When a spouse has a major life change

BOP

BOP

Well-Known Member
vraiblonde said:
This is inspired by mAlice's thread, but not specifically about her or her situation so don't read too much into it - I don't know anything about her personal life. It just made me interested in the dynamic of change in a marriage.

Say you've been married for a long time - 20+ years - and suddenly your spouse undergoes a major life change. Embraces a new religion; wants to have a child to fill the empty nest; quits their job to roam the earth; takes up smoking or doing drugs; becomes a vegan hippie; whatever. What change would be a deal breaker for you? As in, what life change could your spouse make that would cause you to reassess the marriage?
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You mean like if he came to you and said "Honey, I'm tired of being on the road, sleeping in motels, having a 5-peice band, starin' at the back-side of me, I'm going give it all up and raise flowers" kind of thing?
 
mamatutu

mamatutu

mama to two
luvmygdaughters said:
Cant think of anything. We've been together for 23 years this December, however, only married for 2. If his ass started cheating at this point, more power to him and the one he's cheating with, she's gonna need a lot of patience. If he started doing drugs, I can only think it was advised by a Dr. besides that, I smoke cigarettes, he bitches about it but doesn't really do anything. He does like his beer on the weekends but for the most part is a happy guy and he is fun to be around, makes me laugh. Hell...I think even if he got a sex change, I'd still hang out with him cause he is fun. Nope, cant think of a thing that would make me leave.
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:lol: You made me laugh. Your humor and honesty is always refreshing. Always love your posts!
 
acommondisaster

acommondisaster

Active Member
I guess it would depend on the change and how it affected my life. Illness - I'd stick it out, unless he said go. Lifestyle change, it would depend. I got married, I didn't become a clone of my spouse and we're not matching bookends or hooked together like a pocket on a coat. If we still have a common thread, I'd be okay. As long as his change left room for him to respect me and treat me with love and kindness, I think I'd be okay. But no sex changes. If he became a raging, abusive alcoholic, I'd give him an ultimatum and be gone if he chose booze over me.
 
Radiant1

Radiant1

Soul Probe
dontknowwhy said:
I actually planned for my life change the very day i got married...20 yrs married then file for divorce.
Bitch beat me to it. Now i will never forgive her for destoying the family.
And remind the kids to blame mommy for any failure they may experience in life

If you intend on making a life change, be prepared for the fallout you inevitably will create
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Are you my ex-husband? :confused:

Chasey_Lane said:
Maybe she didn't destroy your family. Divorce is not the worst thing for every relationship and sometimes it is for the best.

Instead of holding a grudge (not good for you), release the bad energy and move on. You'll appreciate your life more.
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I have someone I need you to talk to. :yay:



After a 20-year marriage dealing with lots of issues my ex developed an opiate addiction and became abusive. I told myself for some time to stay together for the kids who were still young until one day my spouse and I were arguing with each other, at the same time my two sons were arguing with each other, my daughters were arguing with each other, and the cat and dog were fighting. I just stopped as the realization hit me how sick the household had become. That was the deal breaker, and I did something about getting healthy and started divorce proceedings. Although it's been a struggle, and perhaps with the exception of my ex-husband, I wholeheartedly believe we're better off for it.
 
bulldog

bulldog

New Member
vraiblonde said:
I guess my take is different - surprise surprise. When I choose a mate, he is chosen, not just grabbed off the street. If I wanted a Scientologist, or a polygamist, or a drug addict, or a homebody, or a gay man I'd have gotten one in the first place. So if my partner made a major life change that didn't coincide with what is best for me, I'd wish him well and we'd have to go our separate ways. I'd think he'd want that as well, considering any major change that had any impact on me would make me less attractive to him and less interested in continuing our marriage.

If my husband decides he's gay, or he embraces a religious cult, he is no longer going to be interested in me as a spouse. He will want to move on to his new life, and I would encourage that so that I can move on with my life.

Him getting sick is different because he didn't choose that; a major lifestyle change, however, was specifically his choice and means that he no longer wants the life we had together.
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^^^This, pretty much exactly.^^^

We knew what each other was about when we tied the knot. Make a drastic change now, or expect me to make a change and it's time to walk away. For example; tell me that you have a sudden heartache with me hunting or riding motorcycles, I'm out. I've been doing both of those things since before we met and they were known about so don't suddenly change your mind. Start smoking: See Ya! Do drugs: I'm gone. Cheat: Bye, bye. Get sick and need me, I'll be right there with you every single step of the way and even give up hunting and motorcycle riding to take care of you.
 
somdfunguy

somdfunguy

not impressed
Amazon just made available a show similar to this topic called Transparent

Father/husband decides to be public about his cross dressing ways. It was actually pretty good.
 
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