Yes or no?

[vraiblonde]

People will literally try to make you feel bad about helping your GROWN kids but How do u as a parent sit back and watch your child struggle??

I don't care how old mine gets I will always be THAT parent! Short on your light bill??.... Mama got that!! Car broke down??.... Come get mine til' we get yours fixed!……You get in some trouble, even though I may not condone in it, Momma is coming…….you need a place to stay, let me get this room right till u get on your feet! I will not leave my child out here 2 be homeless, hooked on drugs or killed because the struggle was 2 hard 4 them! At some point we grow up (hopefully) especially when we know we are all they got! If somebody says my child was sleeping on a floor trust me it's cause they didn't wanna sleep in a bed!!....& If mama ain't got it, trust me, she gonna go out there & get it (even if it takes her a minute)... my children will always be mine, even when if we as parents feel forgotten at times. I will always be there however I can
*Copy & Paste if you are that parent too!*
**I AM THAT PARENT!!! My children will always have me as long as I'm breathing

This was on a friend's wall and I refrained from comment - see me being all adulty and just scrolling right on by?

See, I am and was not "that parent". I was the parent who was acutely aware I was raising future adults, not children. The handful of times I was "that parent" it bit me in the ass hard. I wanted to be "that parent" - the indulgent "Mommy fix" who swooped in and came to the rescue, but that never - not one time - worked out well for me. It just created monsters. Like overnight. As in all these years of teaching self-reliance came apart at the seams over one act of "Mommy fix".

When they're little kids and even teenagers, sure - you step in and parent/teach them. But 30 year olds still living "at home" and needing someone to pay their bills....uh, hard no. I left home at 18 and my parents haven't supported me financially or otherwise since. And I know a zillion others who are same, so it's not like it's impossible.

I think there's a pathology with parents who need to be constantly coddling their adult offspring. They don't want that kid to grow up and be independent, because then what's the parent going to do for self-esteem? They need to be needed, even if it does their kid no favors.

I'm interested in hearing from "that parent". Give me a different take.

 

[RoseRed]

My take? Narcissistic mommy who needs to point out all the "good things" she has done and will do. Adulate HER. Not her giving her kids the kudos they may well deserve. And also pointing out what phuck-ups her kids are if she has to continue to bail them out. Classic enabler.

 

[SamSpade]

The FIRST time I went to my Dad for help - money - I was in my 30's.

He said this is a LOAN - to be paid monthly (which was a tenth) over ten months - and no more until it's paid.

 

[Sneakers]

I always preferred to be self-reliant/sufficient and although my dad, being the imagined philanthropist has was, would constantly offer to buy me things. Tools, car, etc... Never took him up on it. But Christmas was his "payback". When I was 30 and buying my first house, I asked mom and dad for a loan. It was paid back in a year.

As dad got older (in his 80s, 90s), he had significant savings put aside. His philosophy was "I can't take it with me, yes, you'll get it as an inheritance, but I get pleasure out of seeing you use it now." So, he'd still offer to buy me new trucks, cars, tools, especially during financial tough times after the divorce. I took him up on some tools and half of my pop-up trailer. He was thrilled he could do that for me. My brothers...... yeah, they wanted something, dad would offer, and they'd take the money and run!

So it's not just "offering a hand". For some parents, there is a real psychological component, and refusing their offer can make for off-put feelings.

 

[Kyle]

The FIRST time I went to my Dad for help - money - I was in my 30's.

He said this is a LOAN - to be paid monthly (which was a tenth) over ten months - and no more until it's paid.

That's similar to what I did with my nephews.

At one point each of them got into a financial or transportation strife and when i "loaned" to them to assist, it came with unbreakable rules that had to be observed and followed.

 

[Clem72]

When they're little kids and even teenagers, sure - you step in and parent/teach them. But 30 year olds still living "at home" and needing someone to pay their bills....uh, hard no. I left home at 18 and my parents haven't supported me financially or otherwise since. And I know a zillion others who are same, so it's not like it's impossible.

What's your stance on 30 year olds who still live at home but do pay there own bills (including rent)?

 

[limblips]

The money thing has caused some strife between the wife and I. Steps think of her as a personal ATM and they have the PIN. Wife divorced when her kids were young and she didn't have a lot of money to provide extras and treats for the kids. I think she is trying to overcome that in her mind by over-compensating.

 

[OccamsRazor]

Rule #1: NEVER loan money to family with the expectation of it being paid back. EVER! Either give it freely or don't give it.
Rule #2: Help your child solve their problem. DO NOT solve it for them.
Rule #3: Always offer to house your child TEMPORARILY. Have a warm bed and a meal available to comfort them BUT, assure them that it is only temporary. They are an ADULT now and need to provide for themselves.

 

[DaSDGuy]

I've made major purchases for my son in the past, no strings attached. He always paid me back anyway. He's a good man. I guess I did something right.

 

[vraiblonde]

What's your stance on 30 year olds who still live at home but do pay there own bills (including rent)?

There are circumstances where that's appropriate for the family situation, but I'd think most young adults would want to have their own place without Mommy and Dad around. I think it's odd when teenagers aren't interested in driving and young adults don't want the privacy of their own home. I associate it with stunted maturity and delayed adulting (unless there are circumstances as I referenced above).

I'd also think most parents would want their adult offspring out of the house so they themselves can finally get a life, but I do understand there are people whose whole life IS the kids and they can't let go of that. I associate that with a Mommy and Dad who aren't interested in private time with each other. Dad's banging the secretary, Mommy's wrapped around the kids...that type of thing.

That's why I want to hear from people with a different take/situation. Broaden my viewpoint.

 

[lucky_bee]

I am surrounded by parents like this...and the need to take deep long breaths around them is too strong sometimes. Helicopter parents control the majority in my generation and it drives me up the wall. You are doing them NO service by constantly doing for them. Granted my kiddo is a naturally independent and curious little one, so getting him to do things himself has been very easy. And his daycare shares a similar mindset. But he will be an adult one day. I certainly cherish all the *precious moments* -- he's still a toddler but also, reality is he needs to be able to do age-appropriate tasks, reasoning, and thinking all on his own. You can't just release them Day Two at 18 years old and expect them to figure it all out then. Childhood is a constant layering of essential skills that will one day be called upon.

That said, watching 18 year olds figure it out first semester of college was WILD, man. Entertaining for sure, and certainly a main bonding point for my college bestie and I.

I'm certainly not a super smart intellect, but my parents were very big on independent learning and valuing common sense over "book sense". We were given a lot of extra opportunities and assistance during our high school and college years too, but their was a very strong understanding that it could all be gone in a moment if we ****ed up. But they set decent foundations in the beginning and continued that strong layering so "****ing up" was rare for us and mostly only committed by the youngest brother because one of us had to

And I'm not against 18+ living at home either, as long as they're contributing in many other ways to the household and to society - and working towards a goal of moving out. My brothers and I always knew we had a back up plan with our parents, and each of us has had to enact on that for various reasons, albeit temporarily. Because their house came with stipulations and rules, all appropriate and intending to get us back on our little independent feet. I hope to continue providing a similar household for my kiddo.

 

[Clem72]

There are circumstances where that's appropriate for the family situation, but I'd think most young adults would want to have their own place without Mommy and Dad around. I think it's odd when teenagers aren't interested in driving and young adults don't want the privacy of their own home. I associate it with stunted maturity and delayed adulting (unless there are circumstances as I referenced above).

I'd also think most parents would want their adult offspring out of the house so they themselves can finally get a life, but I do understand there are people whose whole life IS the kids and they can't let go of that. I associate that with a Mommy and Dad who aren't interested in private time with each other. Dad's banging the secretary, Mommy's wrapped around the kids...that type of thing.

That's why I want to hear from people with a different take/situation. Broaden my viewpoint.

I mention it because I know several people with adult kids at home, where the kids are employed but haven't saved enough to be able to move into a nice area and would rather not live in the ghetto or 30 miles from town.

 

[lucky_bee]

There are circumstances where that's appropriate for the family situation, but I'd think most young adults would want to have their own place without Mommy and Dad around. I think it's odd when teenagers aren't interested in driving and young adults don't want the privacy of their own home. I associate it with stunted maturity and delayed adulting (unless there are circumstances as I referenced above).

I'd also think most parents would want their adult offspring out of the house so they themselves can finally get a life, but I do understand there are people whose whole life IS the kids and they can't let go of that. I associate that with a Mommy and Dad who aren't interested in private time with each other. Dad's banging the secretary, Mommy's wrapped around the kids...that type of thing.

That's why I want to hear from people with a different take/situation. Broaden my viewpoint.

100%. I've watched so many friends lose their entire sense of self-worth and personality because being a mAmA bEaR is their only form of identity now a days. I'd frikkin die for my kid...but I will not harbor a fugitive.

I mention it because I know several people with adult kids at home, where the kids are employed but haven't saved enough to be able to move into a nice area and would rather not live in the ghetto or 30 miles from town.

I think its perfectly reasonable, in fact a right of passage if you will, to live in a crappy apartment, sometimes in the not-the-greatest areas until you can move on up and out. I lived in a couple myself. Its a part of growing up. You go to mom's house on the weekends to do laundry and raid the leftovers (and pantry) and then go back to your little 1 BR. UNLESS they're truly unsafe. There's a difference between living in a crappy apartment for the sake of independence, and living in such a shithole, you require multiple forms of security and certain kind of license.

I also don't think 30 miles from town is that big a deal when independence is at stake either. I lived with a boyfriend in a sketchy bleak apartment 1.5 hours away (via traffic) to work at my first big girl job outside of NYC. That's where and what we could afford, so that's where we lived. When that ended, I made a pit stop at my parents house for two months until I could afford the U-Haul rental and a few months extra cash to keep moving to my best friend's house down here. Also, in a slightly sketchy area bc WE WERE INDEPENDENT If we waited til we could afford decent living, we wouldn't have left home until 28+.

I've had those friends who didn't want that independence (driving, living, working, etc.) and I've had friends as those parents who WANT their children to depend on them for everything and I can't think of a worse way to make myself miserable. Those lives were not and are not for me.

 

[vraiblonde]

I mention it because I know several people with adult kids at home, where the kids are employed but haven't saved enough to be able to move into a nice area and would rather not live in the ghetto or 30 miles from town.

Why not? That's a real question. I know a number of 20-somethings in SoMD who own their own home, and I know many many 20-somethings and even 18 year olds who have apartments with or without roommates.

As far as not wanting to live in "the ghetto" or "30 miles from town" ... what? They think at 25 they should be able to afford something as nice as what 50 year old Mommy and Dad have? That they shouldn't have to start small and be inconvenienced like everyone else did? Help me understand this.

I associate that with kids who come from money and are quite entitled. Feel free to change my mind.

 

[my-thyme]

I let son's baby mama move back in once with an end date. Extended the date for two weeks, but she showed no sign of leaving. New end date came and went.

Once I turned the heat off to her room, she left.

 

[Sneakers]

I mention it because I know several people with adult kids at home, where the kids are employed but haven't saved enough to be able to move into a nice area and would rather not live in the ghetto or 30 miles from town.

Sounds like we're only looking at this from the "white middle class" perspective. Don't forget that in many cultures, 3, 4, even 5 generations all live together in a bonded family. The thought of someone moving out makes family members freak out.

 

[Clem72]

Why not? That's a real question. I know a number of 20-somethings in SoMD who own their own home, and I know many many 20-somethings and even 18 year olds who have apartments with or without roommates.

As far as not wanting to live in "the ghetto" or "30 miles from town" ... what? They think at 25 they should be able to afford something as nice as what 50 year old Mommy and Dad have? That they shouldn't have to start small and be inconvenienced like everyone else did? Help me understand this.

I associate that with kids who come from money and are quite entitled. Feel free to change my mind.

The specific people I am thinking of are in California, not Maryland. And I don't think wanting to avoid living adjacent to a homeless encampment or having your home/vehicle vandalized regularly is the same as wanting to skip the early adult struggles and move straight into a McMansion. But I have been here a few years now and I think I have witnessed you change your mind on a subject maybe twice, so I won't bother.

 

[Kyle]

Sounds like we're only looking at this from the "white middle class" perspective. Don't forget that in many cultures, 3, 4, even 5 generations all live together in a bonded family. The thought of someone moving out makes family members freak out.

Damn.

That sounds like a really crowded house.

Privacy would definitely be out the window there.

 

[vraiblonde]

The specific people I am thinking of are in California

Is there anywhere in CA that you won't live adjacent to a homeless encampment or have your property burglarized/vandalized? Or have such exorbitantly high cost of living that you are either a Kardashian or a homeless person living adjacent to them?

I think I have witnessed you change your mind on a subject maybe twice

That's because I've already thought long and hard about the subject before I post about it. You'll have to come up with new information or something I hadn't thought of if you want me to change my mind.

 

[Kyle]

Is there anywhere in CA that you won't live adjacent to a homeless encampment or have your property burglarized/vandalized? Or have such exorbitantly high cost of living that you are either a Kardashian or a homeless person living adjacent to them?



That's because I've already thought long and hard about the subject before I post about it. You'll have to come up with new information or something I hadn't thought of if you want me to change my mind.