I am the mother of "that child"

[foxxynhounds]

If I may ...



Where is the other parental unit, aka, the father, in this story? What has he done? Has he taken a belt, stick, branch, bat, a top this boy's skull? Ok, ok, a bit figuratively? These type of behaviors just don't materialize overnight.

Good point...my husband is very much in the picture, we've been happily married for 15 years. However, he can physically overpower our son much easier, so he doesn't end up with the bruises that I get. And, we are both running incredibly low on leave at this point (multiple suspensions and appointments will do that), but I earn it faster, so I'm typically home more.

All if the interventions/consequences/etc are approached jointly - for whatever reason (maybe feeling sorry for myself because of the bruises I'm currently sporting), I only wrote this from my perspective.

And no, the behaviors did not materialize overnight. They have always been there, albeit to a lesser extent, since he joined our family at 5yo. However, with the onset of puberty, increasing strength and no corresponding increase in self control, we have now reached a dangerous tipping point.

 

[LightRoasted]

If I may ...

Went back and fully read the other posts. He's a adopted from a foster, or is a foster? Why are you lamenting now if he had these manifesting issues when you took him in? In any case, send him back. (Yes it is harsh statement) You missed the formative first five years. It's like getting a used car without knowing how the previous owner treated the car, then complaining about the repairs needed to get it into decent shape. (People, don't lambast me for the analogy) It is extremely difficult to change, correct, the behavior of people, even kids. Even with all the love, compassion, attention one can muster. Why you made a decision take him in is a personal one, and none of, my, our business. But, I think, to truly do right by him, is to give send him back where he can get the treatment he needs, and freeing up your family's well being and safety, and allowing you to move on with your lives. It is not your fault the way he is. You have given it your best. You do not have to save the world, one person at a time. I wouldn't fault you if you sent him back. It might be the best thing for him.

 

[vraiblonde]

If I may ...

Went back and fully read the other posts. He's a adopted from a foster, or is a foster? Why are you lamenting now if he had these manifesting issues when you took him in? In any case, send him back. (Yes it is harsh statement) You missed the formative first five years. It's like getting a used car without knowing how the previous owner treated the car, then complaining about the repairs needed to get it into decent shape. (People, don't lambast me for the analogy) It is extremely difficult to change, correct, the behavior of people, even kids. Even with all the love, compassion, attention one can muster. Why you made a decision take him in is a personal one, and none of, my, our business. But, I think, to truly do right by him, is to give send him back where he can get the treatment he needs, and freeing up your family's well being and safety, and allowing you to move on with your lives. It is not your fault the way he is. You have given it your best. You do not have to save the world, one person at a time. I wouldn't fault you if you sent him back. It might be the best thing for him.

The kid is adopted from foster care.

There are a great many children who have been saved by foster care, and when a child is that little their behavior problems can many times be corrected. Clearly this kid has more going on than simple behavior issues. "Sending him back where he came from" isn't as easy as it sounds; she is his legal parent/guardian now that she's adopted him, and that has legal ramifications. Not to mention the emotional aspect.

I applaud foster parents; I wouldn't do it, so I admire those who do.

 

[black dog]

Good point...my husband is very much in the picture, we've been happily married for 15 years. However, he can physically overpower our son much easier, so he doesn't end up with the bruises that I get. And, we are both running incredibly low on leave at this point (multiple suspensions and appointments will do that), but I earn it faster, so I'm typically home more.

All if the interventions/consequences/etc are approached jointly - for whatever reason (maybe feeling sorry for myself because of the bruises I'm currently sporting), I only wrote this from my perspective.

And no, the behaviors did not materialize overnight. They have always been there, albeit to a lesser extent, since he joined our family at 5yo. However, with the onset of puberty, increasing strength and no corresponding increase in self control, we have now reached a dangerous tipping point.

I can't imagine the pain my Father would have inflicted on his or any child living in his home if one of us left bruises on our mother.
It would have been safer for that child to run away and join the carnival.

I just talked to a family friend that has done the Foster Parent thing for decades, I asked him what he would have done with a problem child at 5 years old.
He instantly replyed that most likely they never would have taken that child and if they did as soon as they realized it was a problem, that child would have been returned to the Foster Care system..
Why would someone bring that into their home is beyond me..

 

[black dog]

The kid is adopted from foster care.

There are a great many children who have been saved by foster care, and when a child is that little their behavior problems can many times be corrected. Clearly this kid has more going on than simple behavior issues. "Sending him back where he came from" isn't as easy as it sounds; she is his legal parent/guardian now that she's adopted him, and that has legal ramifications. Not to mention the emotional aspect.

I applaud foster parents; I wouldn't do it, so I admire those who do.

I agree and admire those who do also, but you can't fix broken. And you gotta know when to say WHEN.. why would someone put the rest of the family in jeopardy?????

 

[vraiblonde]

I agree and admire those who do also, but you can't fix broken. And you gotta know when to say WHEN.. why would someone put the rest of the family in jeopardy?????

You have compassion for an abused 5 year old and give them love, structure, and understanding with the hope that they'll respond to that. I'm guessing the problem got progressively worse as the kid got older, and by then they'd adopted him and couldn't just take him back to the pound.

 

[black dog]

You have compassion for an abused 5 year old and give them love, structure, and understanding with the hope that they'll respond to that. I'm guessing the problem got progressively worse as the kid got older, and by then they'd adopted him and couldn't just take him back to the pound.

I grew up with lots of kids that grew up as infants or were dropped of or sent by the Court system to the Baptist Home for Children in Bethesda. I think they can it the Baptist Family Home now...

I have kept in contact with a few over the years and I will say that the ones I still talk to and the others that they still keep up with, all are pretty F'ed up still..
That's what I have seen in my life.. it's sad....

 

[Gilligan]

My foster brother was Lloyd Welch. Google it. Not pretty.

 

[vraiblonde]

My foster brother was Lloyd Welch. Google it. Not pretty.

Are you making that up?

 

[Gilligan]

Are you making that up?

No......

 

[black dog]

My foster brother was Lloyd Welch. Google it. Not pretty.

My younger sister and my Dad remember him as the fill in driver for our Good Humor route. And two of my cousins went to school with the older Lyons sister.

 

[Gilligan]

My younger sister and my Dad remember him as the fill in driver for our Good Humor route. And two of my cousins went to school with the older Lyons sister.

Small world..back then.

 

[black dog]

Small world..back then.

How did he end up in Wheaton/ Kensington....

 

[Gilligan]

No idea. He left our household when he was about 10 or 11. Lisbon.

 

[black dog]

My uncle lived about a mile and a half off the Mt Airy side of the 70 exit.
Nuke Engineer for Bechtel.
I always stopped at the Highs store there. Cancer got him about 5 years ago.
My Dad's side is out of Walkersville.

 

[Bann]

Thank you all for your kind words - I honestly worried that someone would be critical, saying that I've overlooked a resource or am not trying hard enough or am a failure as a parent, or...

I'm late to the forums today and I see a lot of the same things I'd have said to you already posted. Vrai said it best - no one should blame you or be critical of you at all. They should have sympathy for what you're going through. It's obvious that you have been doing all that is humanly possible and then some. My heart truly goes out to you. I hope you do find some relief soon.

I have a son with developmental disability and he's gone through some phases where his behavior was out of control. Even though he didn't have a "psychiatric" disorder, some things going on in our family were pretty severe and stressful for him. (Long story short: my sister and mom died within a year of each other and it was difficult for my son to process and deal with.) We had to have the police called out to the house on several separate occasions because it got so bad. He was finally hospitalized at CMH for a time, while his medications were worked out. I only had a very small dose of what you are going through, and while my son's situation was very short-lived compared to your son's, I can completely relate to the vicious circle of "lack of" care out there. I don't have any real solutions to offer, because there seems to be huge gaps in "care" where these kids slip through the cracks. It's very disheartening. I have a friend who has a teenage son and she is also in the same circle as you are. (she's been involved with the same agencies you listed, and with lots of the same issues you posted)

I'm glad you were able to share this because, while it may seem hopeless right now, maybe someone will see it and they will have another resource or can help in some way.

Please take some time for yourself, any time you can get while you are able. I'm sure you know how important it is to recharge. The advice of seeking therapy for yourself is also very good advice. I'm going to guess you are already doing that - but if you're not - it's a good idea. It's very helpful.

 

[christy217]

Foxxy,

I sent you a PM with some information that may be able to help you out. Please feel free to reach out to me there.

Thanks,
Christy

 

[foxxynhounds]

To clarify - yes, he had issues at 5, when he came to us, and at 7, when we adopted him. Issues you'd expect of a child who had been neglected and abused. He threw tantrums, but generally seemed to be adjusting well, and we hoped that it would continue to get better, the more distance he put between himself and his past. AND - we truly felt that our home was a better place for him than continuing to be raised in the "system." How many times do we, as a society, lament "broken" people? The ones who can't escape the dregs of society? If we all turn a blind eye, and aren't willing to try to help, there isn't any hope for children like him. We wanted to help him avoid that fate.

However, I have come to the conclusion that if we are only able to save him or the rest of our family, because the resources are not available to help him within get better within our family unit - well, that decision is easy (but hard, if that makes sense). But, we are his parents...so the process isn't that easy - either to help him, or to let go of him.

 

[SamSpade]

You have compassion for an abused 5 year old and give them love, structure, and understanding with the hope that they'll respond to that. I'm guessing the problem got progressively worse as the kid got older, and by then they'd adopted him and couldn't just take him back to the pound.

Exactly. Would any one give up their natural born son if he became a problem? How easy would THAT be? My son may not be my flesh and blood, but he is my life and heart.

That said, I've read dozens of stories of parents in similar situations who have transferred their sons (or daughters) to group homes where they can be cared for.

That woman a few years back that was in the news, because she sent her son back to Russia with a note pinned to his chest? He'd been seriously violent and molesting her daughter.
There were better solutions, but I remember the swift condemnation she got from all around, until I heard her story directly on a forum we both belong to.

 

[frequentflier]

Is it possible some of his issues are hereditary?