A Question for the Guys (Girls too!)

[KBlues]

Ok Guys and girls, please answer honestly.

When you meet a girl you really like, does it turn you off if you find out she has been married before or going through a divorce? Or do women get turned off in anyway by a divorced guy?

My friend Lisa met a man she really liked. She decided to be honest with him, and she told hin that she had been married before and had been through a divorce about a year ago. He told her that he really liked her as well, but that he didn't want the "drama" of dating a divorced woman. Lisa's opinion was that he considered her used goods. Do men really feel this way? Honestly, I want to know. Or was this just a reason to get out of the relationship?

And do women feel this way? Or what if the woman is divorced and has children? Or the guy has kids? Is this a turn off as well?

 

[Erin]

Baggage

Many people consider it baggage. Age is also a factor.

 

[pixiegirl]

Sorry bout your friend K but the BS meter is going off big time on that one. I'm only 23 and in the middle of an ugly divorce. It's not even a speed bump for guys much less a stop sign.

 

[blueeyes76]

I dated a guy who was divorced w/children. I wouldn't say it's a turn off, but it was a difficult relationship. I don't think I'll ever get involved with somebody like that again. Only people who have an extreme amount of patience and self esteem can handle that kind of relationship. Our breakup didn't have anything to do with the children or the ex wife, he actually put me before his kids and I just couldn't deal with that. As far as just being divorced goes, that's ridiculous, sounds like a way out to me, but that's just my opinion.

 

[justhangn]

I'd have to go with "he was looking for an easy way out" myself.

IF someone cares for someone, the baggage of a X is workable.

I have a friend that swears she won’t be involved with someone that has kids from a prior marriage because she doesn’t want to have to deal with the X.

IMHO, it is a maturity thing.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
I dated a guy who was divorced w/children. I wouldn't say it's a turn off, but it was a difficult relationship. I don't think I'll ever get involved with somebody like that again. Only people who have an extreme amount of patience and self esteem can handle that kind of relationship. Our breakup didn't have anything to do with the children or the ex wife, he actually put me before his kids and I just couldn't deal with that. As far as just being divorced goes, that's ridiculous, sounds like a way out to me, but that's just my opinion.

Talk about "father of the year". UFB

 

[pixiegirl]

Matter of fact I'm considering "only" dating someone who's been divorced before. Since divorce rates are 50/50 these days we'll both have gotten our "first" marriage out of the way.

 

[KBlues]

As far as marriages goes, my mother always says that first marriages are just practice to prepare you for the second.

 

[jazz lady]

KBlues - does your friend Lisa have any kids?

 

[KBlues]

Nope, she doesn't. She has expressed interest in having them, but I don't know if she told him that. That could have scared him off too, huh?

 

[sleuth]

Kids vs. Spouse

My mom used to tell me that when I have a family someday, I will realize the importance of having an even better relationship with your spouse than you do you with your kids.

Ideally, it never comes down to choosing, but think of it this way: You always back your spouse up (within reason) when it comes to your kids. Your kids will grow and leave home someday. You will spend the rest of your golden years with your spouse (again ideally).

As a grown man now, I would never expect my mom to put me before my stepdad.

 

[Tonio]

Originally posted by KBlues
My friend Lisa met a man she really liked. She decided to be honest with him, and she told hin that she had been married before and had been through a divorce about a year ago. He told her that he really liked her as well, but that he didn't want the "drama" of dating a divorced woman. Lisa's opinion was that he considered her used goods. Do men really feel this way? Honestly, I want to know. Or was this just a reason to get out of the relationship?

A few years ago I dated a divorced woman who had children. Yes, there was drama in her life, but I think it had more to do with her personality than with her being divorced. There was drama in almost every aspect of her personal life (ex-husband, children, an ex-boyfriend, parents). One of the reasons I broke up with her was because she would lose control of her emotions when her children misbehaved. No abuse, just hysterical screaming.

So I can't say whether this was a "guy" thing. This might come close--we went to an event where her ex was there, and I remember thinking, "Does he still think he has a claim upon her? Does he want to beat me up because I'm with his 'woman' ?"

 

[Frank]

I haven't found it to be necessarily common among guys - then again, in the past many years, I don't know if I've gone out with all that many women that *weren't* divorced. I don't know that the divorce itself is necessarily "used goods" or baggage. There's no guarantees.

I guess I see it this way - sometimes, divorced women are very jaded when it comes to men - but a lot of never married women are that way too. Women who are just out of a divorce aren't always ready for anything serious (same with men, or people out of a long term relationship). There's just more to deal with with divorce, and if there's enough of a relationship it shouldn't matter. I know I don't want a relationship with the ex of any woman I go out with - and ex-husbands can be like that.

It's just easier, but it's not impossible. It really just depends.

So - tell me about your friend, Lisa.............

 

[Ken King]

What has happened prior to today has happened. You can't undo much of it, only deal with it or brush it off. For me, my wife is my second and I am her third husband. We both had kids and brought that out upon meeting, nothing hidden here. My kids have and still call her Mom and her son calls me Dad. We've been together for 11 years, we are now working towards 100.

I've met and get along with husband number 1. It's not too bad considering he is in Georgia. He has spent some time at our home when visiting his son, he even came to our wedding (to see his boy who came in on leave from the Army). Husband number 2, different story here. I have never met but would like to because he needs a solid a$$-kicking. He did some really crappy things to her and her son. He needs to pay for them or at least try them against a man.

Baggage, you bet. Just like anyone else you will meet, we all carry quite a bit around with us and you have just got to work with it. Dealing with the spouse’s kid/s can be tough. But all you need to do is lay out what you expect as to authority, discipline, and punishment, then it becomes no major problem.

Bottom line, single or divorced - no difference.

 

[vraiblonde]

So there ya go - depends on the guy. I, personally, never had a whole lot of luck with guys who'd never been married before. I was a little long in the tooth to be breaking in a newbie.

And I've also met a lot of guys who wouldn't consider a woman who's been previously married. If they have an ex and maybe some kids, it's harder pretend that they were virgins before you met them, ya know?

 

[RoseRed]

Cari....

Originally posted by cariblue
I just can't even imagine the dating scene anymore. Like I said in an earlier post...

"Wait! you forgot your toothbrush!"

You crack me up!

I also can't imagine the dating scene either. I have a single friend and listening to her & other single friends trials and tribulations of the single life sometimes make me feel lucky that I am not.

As for dating a divorced person or not, it is a case by case thing. It depends on the person.

 

[Tonio]

Originally posted by vraiblonde I've also met a lot of guys who wouldn't consider a woman who's been previously married. If they have an ex and maybe some kids, it's harder pretend that they were virgins before you met them, ya know? [/B]

That attitude is still around? I would have thought that only guys born before 1950 still believed in the old double standard. You know, unmarried guys sowing their wild oats and unmarried girls staying "pure". I always thought that was ridiculous. I mean, why was sex supposed to be good for guys but bad for girls?

 

[Frank]

Originally posted by Tonio


That attitude is still around? I would have thought that only guys born before 1950 still believed in the old double standard. You know, unmarried guys sowing their wild oats and unmarried girls staying "pure". I always thought that was ridiculous. I mean, why was sex supposed to be good for guys but bad for girls?

At least twice in my adulthood, some prospective setup for me was described as a virgin, as if that was something 'desirable'. I was horrified. I told them "why on earth would I want someone who had no idea what they were doing?".

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Frank


At least twice in my adulthood, some prospective setup for me was described as a virgin, as if that was something 'desirable'. I was horrified. I told them "why on earth would I want someone who had no idea what they were doing?".

Yea, WTH, if she's not good enough for her own family, why would you want her?? JUST KIDDING!!!!!!


All joking aside, at least you would have the "confidence" that she was STD free.

 

[Boatbuilder]

I have been through a divorce.....then married a woman that too had been through one.
My only concern....and I might add that it's after the fact....is that in my own case there was a bit of rebound going on....for the both of us...
But then you can easliy have that even if both of you were never married.

Kids , like it or not can be a big issue also...even the most respectful , easy going kids can see another man/ woman as the person that's not supposed to be there...even if they had nothing in the world to do with the break up of the marriage.

Bottom line is that as far as dating goes after marriage...it will be a case by case thing for the people involved.....