Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
Those exact questions. Is it rude when you don't know the person?
Asking How Someone Died
- Thread starter mAlice
- Start date
Those exact questions. Is it rude when you don't know the person?
mAlice
professional daydreamer
No, it's not really, but again, if I didn't know the person, I wouldn't be compelled to ask. It's also not a sad time, it's something that is being celebrated.
When I run into strangers in the grocery store I might say "cute baby", or "how old", but I don't ask how much the baby weighed when it was born, or what the baby's name is. There strangers. Why would they want to share that with me?
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
Toxick
Splat
I'm not sure what Ms. Manners' official response is, but it seems to me that the only appropriate time to ask how someone (someone who is not in your family) died is immediately when you find out.
"Billy-bob died? Oh my god - what happened?"
IMO, If you miss that window - or if the person who told you doesn't know - you do not get to ask again. You will either find out later, or you'll have to make peace with not knowing.
Of course, if it's family or a person you've numbered among close friends - like, someone who regularly helps you clean up after parties, someone who you have bailed out of jail at least twice or vice versa; someone for whom you have at least two stars next to your name in their contact list; or someone for whom you are listed in their Close Friends Groups on Google+ or Facebook - then you probably have more leeway, and wouldn't hesitate to ask anyway.
IOW: If you have to ask what the etiquette is, you probably shouldn't ask how they died - the exception being the immediate response to the news.
I think it's ok to ask but it would depend on the time, place and people involved. I think asking 'privately' would be ok if the person asking was a friend of the person who has passed at some point in time.
mAlice
professional daydreamer
There are several pages of responses to the same question here Do you ask HOW someone died? - BabyCenter, many of them quite thoughtful.
It validates my position about not asking.
It validates my position about not asking.
kwillia
n/a
I agree with Tox. The initial "Oh my gosh... I'm so sorry. What happened?" is all you get and if the answer is general such as "He/she died of a sudden illness" or "He/she died as a rusult of an accident" than that means the person does feel the need to give you details and it would be rude to push for more. If on the other hand they replies with, "He/she died from falling and cracking their head on the concrete while jumping rope in rollerskates on a picnic table" than that means the person had no issue giving you explicit details. The choice is that of the giver of info and not the receiver of info.
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
I don't see anything wrong w/those answers. They are to the point w/out too much gruesome information. I don't view it as them avoiding answering the question. I guess it's all subjective... along with everything else.
mAlice
professional daydreamer
Pretty much.
If I cared enough to want to know how a person died, I would rather ask those close to the deceased directly than gossip behind their back and engage in speculation. It's fairly normal to ask "what happened?" when someone dies, and if the family doesn't want people to know they can simply say, "It's a private matter." I fail to understand what is so secretive about a death, but whatever.
You're either the type who engages with those around you, or you're not. Neither is right or wrong, just different personality types.
You're either the type who engages with those around you, or you're not. Neither is right or wrong, just different personality types.
Im_Me
Active Member
I understand the curiosity. It never fails to disappoint me that obituaries don't tell how a person died. They may be total strangers, but when I read about a person under 65 dying I want to know why. I'm always trying to read between the lines by what charity they designate.
When I die I want the obit to tell the story (and even embellish...I never heard a good story that wasn't all the better in the colorful telling). I have a BIL that will pass on soon from cancer. I think he should be lauded for the grace he has shown through out his long ordeal.
Truly sorry about Wenchy. I didn't know her, but we "passed" as they say in the south.
When I die I want the obit to tell the story (and even embellish...I never heard a good story that wasn't all the better in the colorful telling). I have a BIL that will pass on soon from cancer. I think he should be lauded for the grace he has shown through out his long ordeal.
Truly sorry about Wenchy. I didn't know her, but we "passed" as they say in the south.
pelers
Active Member
For real. If I die of something boring I want you guys to make up a great story.
Like jumping rope while wearing roller skates on a picnic table?
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
Often we hear of someones unexpected passing due to a stroke/heart attack/aneurysm/blood clot, etc., and go "Wow!" If more people would come forth and be open about the person's cause of death, I think it might make another individual evaluate their own health and get a physical. Someone's death might be able to save another from the same.
So how did he die? Was it unexpected, was he sick?
Dye Tied
Garden Variety Gnome
Celebrated...I like to celebrate a person's life but if they offed themself, I sure as hell am not going to celebrate.