Being a grandparent and the guilt

[acommondisaster]

We're long distance grandparents; 8 hour drive.We're the "bad" grandparents - we can't visit as often as the other set of GP's because of my work schedule and our handicapped daughter just makes it more difficult. Factor in the weekends we've had to spend getting the house they left behind ready to rent (on our dime) and our time and resources have been stretched thin. I also feel that we do a lot for them they don't think about (ie the house).

The other set of GP don't have the obstacles we have and visit more often and are able to get the kids pretty much everything they want/like. It's not a matter of getting a barbie when the kid likes a barbie - it's about getting e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g associated with barbie that's sold in the store (an example, not really barbies). To me, that seems almost manic. And a little unhealthy.

We're not able to go there for Christmas (I work Christmas night). As you can imagine, they have everything. They have more toys in their 2 and 4 years of living than I have had in my entire life - probably more clothes and shoes (definitely shoes), too. I can't get them any of their favorite things because I know they'll get duplicates - it happens every gift giving occasion; nothing gets returned, or given to charity - the kid just has two (or in some cases three) of the same thing. I'm sending 3 gifts to each of them, but I'm getting a constant barrage of lists. I've made it clear that I'm pretty much done shopping. But I just can't get over this feeling that we're once again the GP's that don't "do" as much. The other GP's are great at pointing this out - can you tell we don't get along?

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

 

[Caution]

We're long distance grandparents; 8 hour drive.We're the "bad" grandparents - we can't visit as often as the other set of GP's because of my work schedule and our handicapped daughter just makes it more difficult. Factor in the weekends we've had to spend getting the house they left behind ready to rent (on our dime) and our time and resources have been stretched thin. I also feel that we do a lot for them they don't think about (ie the house).

The other set of GP don't have the obstacles we have and visit more often and are able to get the kids pretty much everything they want/like. It's not a matter of getting a barbie when the kid likes a barbie - it's about getting e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g associated with barbie that's sold in the store (an example, not really barbies). To me, that seems almost manic. And a little unhealthy.

We're not able to go there for Christmas (I work Christmas night). As you can imagine, they have everything. They have more toys in their 2 and 4 years of living than I have had in my entire life - probably more clothes and shoes (definitely shoes), too. I can't get them any of their favorite things because I know they'll get duplicates - it happens every gift giving occasion; nothing gets returned, or given to charity - the kid just has two (or in some cases three) of the same thing. I'm sending 3 gifts to each of them, but I'm getting a constant barrage of lists. I've made it clear that I'm pretty much done shopping. But I just can't get over this feeling that we're once again the GP's that don't "do" as much. The other GP's are great at pointing this out - can you tell we don't get along?

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

No grandkids here but just had a talk with my son the other night about what he is getting for Christmas. My expectations are a B average and perfect attendance. The attendance comes onto play because he has recently been caught skipping classes and even whole days.

I spelled it out to him. "I will give you what I think you deserve." "If you get anything other than a card, I was feeling generous."

But IMHO loading kids up with toys/gifts just makes them think that is the way life is going to be.

And the other grandparents sound like real winners.

 

[mamatutu]

We're long distance grandparents; 8 hour drive.We're the "bad" grandparents - we can't visit as often as the other set of GP's because of my work schedule and our handicapped daughter just makes it more difficult. Factor in the weekends we've had to spend getting the house they left behind ready to rent (on our dime) and our time and resources have been stretched thin. I also feel that we do a lot for them they don't think about (ie the house).

The other set of GP don't have the obstacles we have and visit more often and are able to get the kids pretty much everything they want/like. It's not a matter of getting a barbie when the kid likes a barbie - it's about getting e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g associated with barbie that's sold in the store (an example, not really barbies). To me, that seems almost manic. And a little unhealthy.

We're not able to go there for Christmas (I work Christmas night). As you can imagine, they have everything. They have more toys in their 2 and 4 years of living than I have had in my entire life - probably more clothes and shoes (definitely shoes), too. I can't get them any of their favorite things because I know they'll get duplicates - it happens every gift giving occasion; nothing gets returned, or given to charity - the kid just has two (or in some cases three) of the same thing. I'm sending 3 gifts to each of them, but I'm getting a constant barrage of lists. I've made it clear that I'm pretty much done shopping. But I just can't get over this feeling that we're once again the GP's that don't "do" as much. The other GP's are great at pointing this out - can you tell we don't get along?

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

Yes. I don't think it has so much to do with parenting, as it has to do with technology, and how kids think it is so easy these days. The fact that you put so much thought into this post, shows me, right there, how values are changing, and you recognize that. We are on the threshold of becoming GP's for the first time, ourselves. I always wonder how that will go. Also, another thing you pointed out is that life is out of control as far as present buying; especially, when others are willing to point that out. Which is shameful. Don't worry about what they think. Your children/child/grandchild will gravitate back to you when they, finally, realize you are right. We are the last generation that can carry on the true values of America, and what hard work and common sense really stands for. You will do great.

 

[MarieB]

We're long distance grandparents; 8 hour drive.We're the "bad" grandparents - we can't visit as often as the other set of GP's because of my work schedule and our handicapped daughter just makes it more difficult. Factor in the weekends we've had to spend getting the house they left behind ready to rent (on our dime) and our time and resources have been stretched thin. I also feel that we do a lot for them they don't think about (ie the house).

The other set of GP don't have the obstacles we have and visit more often and are able to get the kids pretty much everything they want/like. It's not a matter of getting a barbie when the kid likes a barbie - it's about getting e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g associated with barbie that's sold in the store (an example, not really barbies). To me, that seems almost manic. And a little unhealthy.

We're not able to go there for Christmas (I work Christmas night). As you can imagine, they have everything. They have more toys in their 2 and 4 years of living than I have had in my entire life - probably more clothes and shoes (definitely shoes), too. I can't get them any of their favorite things because I know they'll get duplicates - it happens every gift giving occasion; nothing gets returned, or given to charity - the kid just has two (or in some cases three) of the same thing. I'm sending 3 gifts to each of them, but I'm getting a constant barrage of lists. I've made it clear that I'm pretty much done shopping. But I just can't get over this feeling that we're once again the GP's that don't "do" as much. The other GP's are great at pointing this out - can you tell we don't get along?

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

Sounds like my sister's in laws, and it does bother my mom from time to time and she's there. Christmas morning is obscene, and it seems more to be about the grandmother and what she bought than about the kids. My mom said the kids were so overwhelmed a few years that they would just unwrap, say thank you, and toss aside - note, these are not ungrateful kids.

Please don't feel bad, even though I know you wish you were there. I partly blame your kiddo for not dividing up the list and communicating with you more so that there are not duplicates.

Do you have time before or after the holiday to do a "staycation" with the kids?

 

[vraiblonde]

ACD, do the youngers indicate that they think you're the "bad" grandparent, or is that just the way you feel because you can't do what the other set does?

My grandson's other grandparents are quite well-to-do and Nana doesn't work so she will fly her daughter to pick up my grandson and bring him back to their house for a couple weeks. They do this several times a year, in addition to buying him everything under the sun.

I can't do that because of my work constraints, plus I don't have unlimited income so I see my grandson twice a year and Skype with him as much as his attention span will allow. Neither my daughter, nor her bebe daddy, nor his parents have ever made me feel like I suck because I can't do for Riggs like they can. As a result I can simply be glad that they are able to spend so much time with him, and be jealous but not have any ill will.

Riggs is quite close with his other grandparents, but I'm the fun Dodie and we enjoy our time together. His other grandmother is pretty good about sharing pics and funny things he does when he's there - in a nice way, not lording it over or anything - and it's a decent inlaw relationship.

Can you speak to the other grandparents and coordinate the gift thing so you can get the kids something great and it not be a duplicate? You kind of indicated that they're aholes, but do you think they'd work with you if you brought it up?

 

[ZARA]

We're long distance grandparents; 8 hour drive.We're the "bad" grandparents - we can't visit as often as the other set of GP's because of my work schedule and our handicapped daughter just makes it more difficult. Factor in the weekends we've had to spend getting the house they left behind ready to rent (on our dime) and our time and resources have been stretched thin. I also feel that we do a lot for them they don't think about (ie the house).

The other set of GP don't have the obstacles we have and visit more often and are able to get the kids pretty much everything they want/like. It's not a matter of getting a barbie when the kid likes a barbie - it's about getting e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g associated with barbie that's sold in the store (an example, not really barbies). To me, that seems almost manic. And a little unhealthy.

We're not able to go there for Christmas (I work Christmas night). As you can imagine, they have everything. They have more toys in their 2 and 4 years of living than I have had in my entire life - probably more clothes and shoes (definitely shoes), too. I can't get them any of their favorite things because I know they'll get duplicates - it happens every gift giving occasion; nothing gets returned, or given to charity - the kid just has two (or in some cases three) of the same thing. I'm sending 3 gifts to each of them, but I'm getting a constant barrage of lists. I've made it clear that I'm pretty much done shopping. But I just can't get over this feeling that we're once again the GP's that don't "do" as much. The other GP's are great at pointing this out - can you tell we don't get along?

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

If the grandkids are spoiled rotten (that's not a slight. my son is spoiled too), instead of sending gifts, put money away into a college account for them and send them the receipt. They are young and bamboozled with other gifts, but when they become older, your gift of an education, will mean more to them than any old barbie doll.

 

[Larry Gude]

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

Speaking as a 50 year old 6 year old, the family members I remember loving and being excited about where the ones that gave me what you CAN'T buy; attention; played a game with me. Talked with me. Played catch. Took a walk. I can't remember one gift from that age that was so 'special' that I still remember who gave it to me and how awesome they were.

There are two kinds of granparents in this world; the ones who are DONE parenting and just enjoy the grandkids for being kids and the ones who, for whatever reason, feel like they have some sort of parenting role. There is nothing in the world that can get in between you and the special bond of those kids getting all excited when they see you and THAT is what they will remember.

In my view.

 

[Bann]

I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

No. Not all kids. Not mine - and that's the truth, I'm not just saying that. My son (12th grade) picked the least expensive athletic shoes he could find in Famous Footwear at the beginning of the school year, because I had a school clothing budget limit that I set when we went shopping. He picked name brand shoes, but shoes that cost less, so he could "save money".

I don't know how to handle this with your grandchildren and inlaws. My kids weren't raised to expect big payouts on Christmas day - mainly because I don't go into debt for it. I buy them what I can afford, based on my income. I have always done that, from the time they were little and to this day, they realize all of that comes with a price and it has to be paid for some time.

I don't see what would be wrong with explaining to your son/daughter your situation with the cost of getting the rental house ready and also, surely, your son/daughter understands the needs of your handicapped daughter? Are they unreasonable about the fact that you can't take off on Christmas or that your trip is at least 8 hrs away?


**Just because I know about these things, have you ever gotten respite care? I don't mean for the holidays, of course, but for other times so you and your husband can take a trip now & then for the weekend? You probably don't need information about it, but if you do, please PM me.

 

[acommondisaster]

I guess the problem is mine. I think the kids have too much, and get too much. I don't feel bad that we don't appear to give as much, because I know the fact is we do, on a monthly basis to support this family. They're slowly getting on their feet after a long distance move, and soon will be fully on their own.

But I know that we are portrayed as the ones who do nothing. Not by our kids, but by the inlaws. And I guess I just need to realize they need a bowl full of STFU and I need to not worry about what they think. I guess jealousy creeps in, that we don't shower the grand kids with stuff - and kids love stuff.

Vrai - there's no way we could coordinate with them - they hate us. Not dislike - hate.

Bann, thanks for mentioning respite - we already get (and use) 30 hours of respite a week. The trick is finding someone who actually will do an overnight with our daughter's special needs.

 

[vraiblonde]

But I know that we are portrayed as the ones who do nothing. Not by our kids, but by the inlaws.

.....

Vrai - there's no way we could coordinate with them - they hate us. Not dislike - hate.

They're going to be sorry they did that when the kids are older and able to see it, and no longer want to be around them to listen to ####ty comments. Trust me on this. Jealous (and they are clearly jealous of you or they wouldn't do it) busting on other family members always backfires.

Always.

Sorry this is happening to you. But try not to let it get to you. You know that you do for the family, and if the kids aren't being aholes then you're good. Don't feel like you have to compete against the other GPs; they are obviously already competing against you, which means you can sit back a gloat a bit that they're so threatened.

 

[BadGirl]

I guess the problem is mine. I think the kids have too much, and get too much. I don't feel bad that we don't appear to give as much, because I know the fact is we do, on a monthly basis to support this family. They're slowly getting on their feet after a long distance move, and soon will be fully on their own.

But I know that we are portrayed as the ones who do nothing. Not by our kids, but by the inlaws. And I guess I just need to realize they need a bowl full of STFU and I need to not worry about what they think. I guess jealousy creeps in, that we don't shower the grand kids with stuff - and kids love stuff.

Vrai - there's no way we could coordinate with them - they hate us. Not dislike - hate.

Bann, thanks for mentioning respite - we already get (and use) 30 hours of respite a week. The trick is finding someone who actually will do an overnight with our daughter's special needs.

Wow.

The in-laws hate you. Then you know exactly why they are outspending you to the nth degree, right? It is to ensure that they are the ones outspending you (but really, probably not with all of your household contributions). It is a perception that they are giving more. "Hey, look! We love you more because we can buy you more crap that you don't need. And we are doing this to purposely outshine the other grandparents.".

Ok, they are not verbally saying that out loud to themselves, but that is exactly what their actions are saying. If the grand kids and their parents are buying in to that crap, then it is a perfect for everyone involved.....well, except for you and your husband.

But keep your head high and know that you are not buying your kids' love, not buying your grandchildren's love. You are doing it your way, how you can, when you can, and under your own terms.

I'd say that you and your husband are far better people than the other set of grandparents.

 

[Roman]

My Mother's Parents always showered us with gifts, where my Father's Parents did not. Every Christmas my Grandmother (Mom's Mom) would call to see how we liked everything. Then she'd throw in, "What did your other Grandparents get you"? I always hated that, even as a young child. Yes..it was nice getting new things, but I hated how she'd pick us apart to see what we scored from the other side. As an adult, I was closer to the ones that didn't shower us. Go figure.

 

[vraiblonde]

My Mother's Parents always showered us with gifts, where my Father's Parents did not. Every Christmas my Grandmother (Mom's Mom) would call to see how we liked everything. Then she'd throw in, "What did your other Grandparents get you"? I always hated that, even as a young child. Yes..it was nice getting new things, but I hated how she'd pick us apart to see what we scored from the other side. As an adult, I was closer to the ones that didn't shower us. Go figure.

Exactly. That stuff always backfires.

 

[Bann]

They're going to be sorry they did that when the kids are older and able to see it, and no longer want to be around them to listen to ####ty comments. Trust me on this. Jealous (and they are clearly jealous of you or they wouldn't do it) busting on other family members always backfires.

Always.

Sorry this is happening to you. But try not to let it get to you. You know that you do for the family, and if the kids aren't being aholes then you're good. Don't feel like you have to compete against the other GPs; they are obviously already competing against you, which means you can sit back a gloat a bit that they're so threatened.

Wow.

The in-laws hate you. Then you know exactly why they are outspending you to the nth degree, right? It is to ensure that they are the ones outspending you (but really, probably not with all of your household contributions). It is a perception that they are giving more. "Hey, look! We love you more because we can buy you more crap that you don't need. And we are doing this to purposely outshine the other grandparents.".

Ok, they are not verbally saying that out loud to themselves, but that is exactly what their actions are saying. If the grand kids and their parents are buying in to that crap, then it is a perfect for everyone involved.....well, except for you and your husband.

But keep your head high and know that you are not buying your kids' love, not buying your grandchildren's love. You are doing it your way, how you can, when you can, and under your own terms.

I'd say that you and your husband are far better people than the other set of grandparents.

ITA with both!!

 

[Vince]

We're long distance grandparents; 8 hour drive.We're the "bad" grandparents - we can't visit as often as the other set of GP's because of my work schedule and our handicapped daughter just makes it more difficult. Factor in the weekends we've had to spend getting the house they left behind ready to rent (on our dime) and our time and resources have been stretched thin. I also feel that we do a lot for them they don't think about (ie the house).

The other set of GP don't have the obstacles we have and visit more often and are able to get the kids pretty much everything they want/like. It's not a matter of getting a barbie when the kid likes a barbie - it's about getting e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g associated with barbie that's sold in the store (an example, not really barbies). To me, that seems almost manic. And a little unhealthy.

We're not able to go there for Christmas (I work Christmas night). As you can imagine, they have everything. They have more toys in their 2 and 4 years of living than I have had in my entire life - probably more clothes and shoes (definitely shoes), too. I can't get them any of their favorite things because I know they'll get duplicates - it happens every gift giving occasion; nothing gets returned, or given to charity - the kid just has two (or in some cases three) of the same thing. I'm sending 3 gifts to each of them, but I'm getting a constant barrage of lists. I've made it clear that I'm pretty much done shopping. But I just can't get over this feeling that we're once again the GP's that don't "do" as much. The other GP's are great at pointing this out - can you tell we don't get along?

And then there's the other thing - I put a lot of thought into the presents I send. I don't open the floodgates and fill the shopping cart, but with the tidal wave of toys they always get, I wonder if anything's ever special. Is it this way with all kids today?

I am 4.5 hours away from my daughter and my grandson. My son-in-laws parents are great folks and help out the kids financially as much as I do. It's not about gifts, it's about helping your kids as much as you're able. If you can't help financially, then they'd better appreciate you being there for them in other ways. My daughter has always appreciated me being there for her. Hopefully, someday, I won't be as far away as I am now.

 

[luvmygdaughters]

I think the other grandparents need a lesson in what Christmas is really about. Not quantity, quality. Being a grandmother of two granddaughters, I try to help my daughter out by buying the kids clothes, some groceries ,etc. Therefore, I don't spend a lot on Christmas. Not only that, my daughter is divorced, that means the kids get two Christmases. I have a feeling the over achieving grandparents will be sorry as the kids get older and only see them as gift providers and not loving grandparents.

 

[twinoaks207]

Kids are pretty good about figuring out who loves them -- seriously! While they might be temporarily blinded by "things" at certain points, it's not really the "things" that matter. You raised your child with your values and now your child is raising those grandkids the same way. I feel sorry for your kid, who is really in the middle of this mess, trying to juggle kids, spouse and toxic in-laws who just happen to be the parents of the spouse. That's not an easy way to go.

Have faith. Have faith that your grandkids are going to turn out fine and will appreciate you and your love. Have faith that your kid knows how much you are doing to help out and is grateful for it, even though it's not stated.

Do what you can & then let the rest go. You will not be able to change those other grandparents who obviously have issues that were in place long before your kid married into the family. If your kid can't coordinate "the lists" by holding back some items for you & not telling the other grandparents about them, then your kid has a more serious issue going on with dealing with the in-laws and you really don't want to put them in the middle of that.

I love the suggestion someone else made about putting money into an account for the kids for education or a new car or whatever. You may have to come up with a creative way to do it now (for example, get a little matchbox car & attach it to an account statement that you've set up a savings account for them to buy their own car when they bigger, etc.) or not. But it is a wonderful idea, especially considering that the kids are overloaded with toys (that will very soon take over the house & cause misery down the road).

I wish you continued love from the grandkids and a beautiful holiday full of joy. It is, after all, not the gift that is important, but the love behind it. <3

 

[acommondisaster]

Thanks for all of the responses. It's been a kind of a sad holiday. Bad enough that I had to work, but not seeing the grandkids on Christmas was harder than we expected it to be. My husband, who rarely expresses himself said he missed the kids so much, my heart ached for him.

I do feel bad for my son, as he is in the middle of all of this. His in laws hate us, hate any time we spend with my son's family. They do their best to make their daughter miserable any time we spend time with them. They withdraw support, make demands and berate her for spending time with the "perfect family" (that's what they've called us), though they frame it as their daughter being a disappointment or disrespectful, or ungrateful, eventually it comes out that it has to do with us. My son and his wife try to divide any time they have between both families, but it never seems to be seen that way to her folks. My son would be happy if they never had to deal with her family anymore, but even at their worst, my DIL wants/seeks a relationship with her family (that she always hopes will improve, but never does). I worry how this will manifest itself in their kids. I'm not going to "up my game" in terms of presents to win the kids' favor.

The bank fund is a good idea - we've talked about setting up an IRA for the kids, I will have to mention it to my husband again.

 

[Caution]

Thanks for all of the responses. It's been a kind of a sad holiday. Bad enough that I had to work, but not seeing the grandkids on Christmas was harder than we expected it to be. My husband, who rarely expresses himself said he missed the kids so much, my heart ached for him.

I do feel bad for my son, as he is in the middle of all of this. His in laws hate us, hate any time we spend with my son's family. They do their best to make their daughter miserable any time we spend time with them. They withdraw support, make demands and berate her for spending time with the "perfect family" (that's what they've called us), though they frame it as their daughter being a disappointment or disrespectful, or ungrateful, eventually it comes out that it has to do with us. My son and his wife try to divide any time they have between both families, but it never seems to be seen that way to her folks. My son would be happy if they never had to deal with her family anymore, but even at their worst, my DIL wants/seeks a relationship with her family (that she always hopes will improve, but never does). I worry how this will manifest itself in their kids. I'm not going to "up my game" in terms of presents to win the kids' favor.

The bank fund is a good idea - we've talked about setting up an IRA for the kids, I will have to mention it to my husband again.

Patience. People can make the biggest asses of themselves without help from others. May take a while but it will happen. Bite your lip and don't say anything negative about these people at all. Just go on about your business and let them continue to put their foot in their mouths. Karma is a BITCH.

 

[Retrodeb54]

Thanks for all of the responses. It's been a kind of a sad holiday. Bad enough that I had to work, but not seeing the grandkids on Christmas was harder than we expected it to be. My husband, who rarely expresses himself said he missed the kids so much, my heart ached for him.

I do feel bad for my son, as he is in the middle of all of this. His in laws hate us, hate any time we spend with my son's family. They do their best to make their daughter miserable any time we spend time with them. They withdraw support, make demands and berate her for spending time with the "perfect family" (that's what they've called us), though they frame it as their daughter being a disappointment or disrespectful, or ungrateful, eventually it comes out that it has to do with us. My son and his wife try to divide any time they have between both families, but it never seems to be seen that way to her folks. My son would be happy if they never had to deal with her family anymore, but even at their worst, my DIL wants/seeks a relationship with her family (that she always hopes will improve, but never does). I worry how this will manifest itself in their kids. I'm not going to "up my game" in terms of presents to win the kids' favor.

The bank fund is a good idea - we've talked about setting up an IRA for the kids, I will have to mention it to my husband again.

Lets just hope your DIL fell far from the tree and won't become more like them as she ages. That being said, it will work out. People like those expose themselves to all and in the end even the children will catch on. You have to just continue to do what you can when you can and let the Jones continue to be a#$'s.

When you do have time with them, make it special. Childhood memories are made of this My one Aunt always gave me the most current toys, many and even showed up Santa most times.

On the other hand my favorite Aunt took me on the bus every year to Christmas shop with her. We would have lunch downtown (grew up in DC) walk around looking at the wonderful animated Christmas window decorations at the high end dept. stores. Shop till we dropped as they say. lol She also was the one who taught me the fine art of saving. I remember the day we went to the bank to open a Christmas Club account for me with my $2.00 allowance. I felt so grown up.

I loved her soooo much and that's what its about, not giving the most or best, but giving tradition to enjoy and memories to cherish.