Daughter's Boyfriend

[Sharon]

Originally posted by demsformd
Ok, I''ve mentioned this a couple of times but I really need some help here. My youngest daughter (child for that matter) is currently dating a young man that is 2 years older than her (read: college guy taking advantage of an inexperienced high school girl). He and I have had several run-ins about the way that he acts and the type of person that he is. This lil sh*t has alreay told me to f myself as well as other terrible things. But his behavior is rubbing off on my little girl who is moving more and more into seculsion and her grades are dropping. When I talk to her about it, she goes into a tirade about how she is being an "individual." I need to end this terrible relationship but my daughter will hate me for it. How can I deal with this?

If one of my kid's dates disrespected me like that, they would no longer be welcome at my home (including their car in my driveway) and their phone number would be blocked from calling. I would forbid my kid from seeing that person. Your daughter might still sneak out to be with him on the sly, but it would make it hard for her, especially if you are the type that punishes for catching your kids in lies. After a while she might just find someone else.

When the kids don't play fair neither do I, and I've done a lot of things to keep my daughter in line that I wish I never had to do. I also found out a lot of things she was doing that I wish I never had to know.

Teenagers are very hard to raise, especially when they have their minds set on their own selfishness. Sometimes they learn from their mistakes and other times they make the same ones over again. If I only had a nickel for every time one of them said they "hated" me for punishing them. Don't give up and don't wimp out. As long as she is in your home - you have rule of the roost.

 

[Ken King]

Teenage girls, man oh man, what a pain. My youngest daughter is 24, with a loser boy friend currently cooling his heals in the County hotel. I know your pain.

You're between a rock and a hard-place. Anything you do or say against him will make her want him more and more. After all, like every teen, they know more than us old farts or so they think. But it is your life, besides your daughters, that this jerk is screwing with. If you don’t like it don’t deal with it, fix it.

His words and actions towards you are enough to get a no trespassing warrant against him. Get one and enforce it, your daughter can’t allow him to be there if you don’t. Catch him there, lock his @ss up. Don’t play around with the punk, don’t argue with him, just take the action as you see fit.

Let your daughter know that, while you love and support her, you aren’t going to just sit around and watch what he is doing to her or let it continue any longer. Re-enforce that what you are doing is not only for your sanity but for her protection. Remind her that, if and, when she graduates and goes out into the world on her own she can do what she wants, how she wants, when she wants, and with whom she wants. But as long as she lives under your roof that you call the shots and this clown isn’t going to be one of your calls. Time for a little tough love, buddy.

 

[vraiblonde]

Okay, Cattitude, I'm NEVER going to complain about my kids again! Pinky swear!

Dems, I'm trying to imagine how many teeth that kid might have had left in his mouth if he'd have dared tell Larry to F himself. If you haven't taught your daughter basic respect at this point, you're going to have a tough time starting now. You said that you told your wife's father to F himself too - guess what? You reap what you sow.

 

[RoseRed]

Me thinks that if you try and forbid her from seeing him, she will just sneak around to see him anyway she can. You are in a tough spot and I cannot give you advice. I was one of those kids that did whatever I damn well pleased because my father would never follow up on what he said so I got away with whatever I did. Surprisingly enough, I turned out to be a decent and responsible human being. (I am sure that could be debatable though)

 

[RoseRed]

Originally posted by cariblue
I did this and fortunately it worked. She stopped seeing the boy. I was concerned that she would sneak around behind my back, but she didn't. Now, when this boys name comes up, she gags. It is hard to say how this will turn out, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down. I had always told my kids I wouldn't pick their friends as long as they made sound decisions about who they hung out with. This wasn't a good decision on her part, so I was compelled to step in.

You are fortunate. I think it is a 50/50 chance of her going either way. I think a lot depends on the relationship between the father and daughter. I didn't have respect for my father so I never listened to him and did what I wanted because I could. I am speaking of my experience.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by demsformd
Ok, I''ve mentioned this a couple of times but I really need some help here. My youngest daughter (child for that matter) is currently dating a young man that is 2 years older than her (read: college guy taking advantage of an inexperienced high school girl). He and I have had several run-ins about the way that he acts and the type of person that he is. He is the type of person that subscribes to Mariyln Manson (sp?) music and the whole dark chlothes and other unfashionable clothes genre. This lil sh*t has alreay told me to f myself as well as other terrible things. I have allowed this relationship to last a little while now because I remembered how I was with my wife when I was a kid and how much her dad hated me (after all, I told him to f himself). But his behavior is rubbing off on my little girl who is moving more and more into seculsion and her grades are dropping. When I talk to her about it, she goes into a tirade about how she is being an "individual." I need to end this terrible relationship but my daughter will hate me for it. How can I deal with this?

Dems, you old dog........here's my two cents worth on this subject.

1. Music has nothing to do with the person, it’s not the music’s fault he’s a maggot.
2. I started dating my wife when she was 15 and I was 19. Her grandparents hated me with a passion because “I was only there for one reason.” In time, being the great person I am, they have learned to love me more than her. (her words)
3. The more they pushed us apart, the more we snuck around to see each other.

The dropping of her grades could be a sign of drug use amongst other things, I’m sure I’ll get for saying this, but I remember seeing it happen to people when I was in school. It may just be that she’d rather be with boyfriend than do school work; I hope it’s the latter.

I can only suggest you keep your relationship with your daughter very close and open. Try your best not to push your standards down her throat (even if you want to ring her neck) and hopefully she will see what an a$$clown this dirtbag really is.

I feel your pain though; I’m not looking forward to this stage in my daughter’s life.

 

[yakky doodle]

Originally posted by RoseRed
You are fortunate. I think it is a 50/50 chance of her going either way. I think a lot depends on the relationship between the father and daughter. I didn't have respect for my father so I never listened to him and did what I wanted because I could. I am speaking of my experience.

I explored my teen years while living with my father(parent's divorced when I was young). That was probably the worst thing that my mother could have ever "okay'd" in my opinion. My father (some of you hear me refer to him as a 50-year-old Hugh Hefner ) shot pool, played golf, drank beer and worked (in that order). He never once questioned my boyfriend at the time (who I came to realize was a low-life) or my grades when they began to fall (in fact, I don't know if he even ever saw my report cards, come to think of it ). I had the run of the town and did what I wanted, to include going to a college campus in another state on weekends as a junior in HS with my b/f . I'm very lucky -- I could have turned out far worse considering the crowd I sometimes hung out with and my boyfriends "influence." Luckily, I woke up upon graduation and realized I was not in the 'life' that I wanted to be in 10 years from then. I didn't want to stay in the same, blue-collar/farming town and join my classmates in competing for that minimum wage job at 7-11.

I think that talking to your daughter about how her decisions today will shape who she is tomorrow and letting her know that you respect her desire for individuality and can understand it but demand respect from her and her 'friends' (male and female) while she explores her youth will go miles ahead of pushing her in one directon or another and forbidding her to do certain things.

Good luck! I'm glad I have a few years and all of you to watch in dealing with this in today's society before I have to go through it. Of course, my 4-yr-old already got married on the trampoline at daycare, so I guess my worries are through

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by justhangn
Try your best not to push your standards down her throat

You can't be serious.

 

[Kimmy]

Re: Re: Daughter's Boyfriend

Originally posted by justhangn
Dems, you old dog........here's my two cents worth on this subject.

1. Music has nothing to do with the person, it’s not the music’s fault he’s a maggot.
2. I started dating my wife when she was 15 and I was 19. Her grandparents hated me with a passion because “I was only there for one reason.” In time, being the great person I am, they have learned to love me more than her. (her words)
3. The more they pushed us apart, the more we snuck around to see each other.

The dropping of her grades could be a sign of drug use amongst other things, I’m sure I’ll get for saying this, but I remember seeing it happen to people when I was in school. It may just be that she’d rather be with boyfriend than do school work; I hope it’s the latter.

I can only suggest you keep your relationship with your daughter very close and open. Try your best not to push your standards down her throat (even if you want to ring her neck) and hopefully she will see what an a$$clown this dirtbag really is.

I feel your pain though; I’m not looking forward to this stage in my daughter’s life.

I have to agree with what justhangn just posted.
I am going to use what happened to me as an example.
I was dating this guy when is was 17 and he was bad news. But I wanted so hard to prove my parents wrong. I had in my mind that I was going to change him and we would live happily ever after. WRONG!!! I was soon pregnant by 18. We moved in with each other and that is when everything went down hill. The beatings, the stolen stuff, the drugs etc. etc.. I even went to jail for a day because I was sooo in love and was sooo much believed everything that he said. A checked bounced for an amount over $300.00 and because I believe him that there was money in the bank I signed my name and I done the time. Well anyway to make a long story short. The more that my parents b!@#$ to me about him the more distance I got. I just couldn't take NO for an answer.
I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer on how to handle a teenager. We could give you advise all day long and still not solve a thing. The only advise that I can give is to keep communicating with her. Tell her no about things that happened to you when growing up. Even if you do have to lie. Or better yet have a talk with that boyfriend and tape record what you guys talk about. And if he says anything that may change your daughters mind than play it for her.
Good-Luck

 

[Makavide]

I still have a few years to go before I have this worry so hopefully I will get some good advice now from you all on this.

But my thoughts are since your daughters grades are falling I would use that as a "weapon". Talk to them both at the same time, explain that since her grades are falling there will be some restrictions on them seeing each other. Let them know that the daughter is not allowed to go out (much) until the grades improve, but that if they really want to see each other, the b/f is welcomed into the house to help her study (and must improve on his showing respect) in the living room only. If the guy really wants to see your daughter he will help her study and get the grades improved, but if that is too much of a hassle for him he won't help and your daughter will realilze what kind of a guy he really is.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
You can't be serious.

No matter how hard you try to make your child what you want them to be, they will do what they want, you can only hope that what you have taught and showed them helps them in their life.

You can't possibly think that your children do as you say when you are not there.......are you that old you don't remember your own childhood??

 

[Voter2002]

Jeez...I have 7 & 13 year old girls at home...this is what I get to look forward to???

I afraid that if any "boyfriend" told me to f**** off, I would have done the Incredible Hulk transformation and the maggot would have been immediately eating dirt and begging for forgivness before I choked the living breath out of his lungs...

 

[yakky doodle]

the only 'heartburn' i have with this whole mess is the guy. I'd make very few concessions for him b/c let's face it -- there are very few stand-up guys at that age (JustHangn is the exception ) who are truly wanting a smart girlfriend to excel in her studies outside of sex-ed. I'd smack that little maggot down and tell your daughter that if he's going to disrespect her father, that he'll disrespect her 10-times worse.

you might consider enlisting the wife's assistance here. have her plan a 'girl-night' and rent some movie showing what a dirtbag some chic's boyfriend is and how she screws her own head on right and ditches him and his ignorance in the end. hollywood has a movie about everything; surely this storyline didn't escape them.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Voter2002
Jeez...I have 7 & 13 year old girls at home...this is what I get to look forward to???

I afraid that if any "boyfriend" told me to f**** off, I would have done the Incredible Hulk transformation and the maggot would have been immediately eating dirt and begging for forgivness before I choked the living breath out of his lungs...

Yep, I have to agree with that...Dems did an awesome job controlling his temper.

 

[Voter2002]

but that if they really want to see each other, the b/f is welcomed into the house to help her study (and must improve on his showing respect) in the living room only

...uh....excuse me....you would allow this kid back into your home after he tells you to f*@# off? Not on my watch! If he didn't have the intelligence to show respect in the first place, I don't see how you can take any future sign of respect as real...just a false respect so he can continue his quest to get your daughter. But then again, it sounds like this loser doesn't have the intelligence to even attempt real respect.

 

[Kimmy]

Why don't you talk to his parents. And tell them what there son is up to....

 

[Makavide]

Originally posted by Voter2002
...uh....excuse me....you would allow this kid back into your home after he tells you to f*@# off?

I would rather have them in my house, where I can watch/control what goes on, instead of having them sneek around unsupervised.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Makavide
I would rather have them in my house, where I can watch/control what goes on, instead of having them sneek around unsupervised.

Ah guys........me and the she did all kinds of things AT THE GRANDPARENTS HOUSE when we were only supposed to see eachother there.

 

[yakky doodle]

Originally posted by justhangn
Ah guys........me and the she did all kinds of things AT THE GRANDPARENTS HOUSE when we were only supposed to see eachother there.

it's like they say ... most car accidents happen within 5 miles of the home. So do other types of "accidents."

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by yakky doodle
it's like they say ... most car accidents happen within 5 miles of the home. So do other types of "accidents."

Adrenaline adds to the excitement!!

and we are the classic example of what happens when the thrill of it being taboo wears off.