Dear Wendy:

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron

A few days ago I commited the ultimate sin: I vented on Facebook about how very little housework my spouse, “Clark,” does and how unfair this feels to me. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and he had. I was also in a lot of pain. I am not making excuses — just giving a bit of background that led up to the “incident.” Everything combined into the perfect storm and I blew up. I know I should not have done so on social media.

Immediately, Clark’s sister came promptly to his defense and ripped on me like never before. I have since appologized to her and told her she was right to defend her brother; I would/have done so, too. In her ripping me apart, she stated how I am constantly doing this, which is untrue. This is the first time I have ever posted something negative about my husband. She never comments on any of the positive posts I have put on social media about how grateful/lucky I am to have the spouse that I do. This is the only thing she has chosen to comment on — the one negative post.

Side note: Clark’s family has made it more than clear during our whole relationship — 18 years — that they do not like me; I am not who/what they wanted for him, and they even went so far as to try to set him up with someone else after we had been together for about nine years. They have always invited me to gatherings and events and are civil, but they make it known that they are only just tolerating my being there. His mother has been to our place once in 18 years, and while constantly saying that they are “just toooo busy,” can set the same time/date for us to visit them. His sister, despite many invites, has never come.

In just over a month, Clark’s nephew — the son of said sister — is getting married. We were invited before all this happened. I know that if I go, it will make things awkward and tense and that I will be asked something along the lines of, “How dare you show your face after what you did?” If I don’t go, I know it will be something along the lines of, “Well, now she’s just being petty and childish, just like we knew she has always been.” Not sure what to do. — Damned if I Go, Damned if I Don’t

Dear Damned,

Dump that family. Stop going to their get togethers and stop trying to get them to like you because they've made it clear they will never accept you. Don't worry about why they hate you - it doesn't matter. It's possible that you're overreacting to what was a minor incident, but that doesn't matter either. Even if you're the crazy one, there's still crazy and nobody needs that.

And probably dump Clark while you're at it because he either tolerates his family treating you poorly or you're a nutter and would be doing him a favor.
 

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
My daughter and step-daughter are the same age and in the same grade. I live with my wife and her kids and my daughter lives out-of-state and comes to visit in the summer. Both girls will be having their graduation on the same date, and I told my wife that I really want to be at my daughter’s graduation and that I would have miss her daughter’s. She told me that she and her kids are my family now, that I should put them first, and that if I decide to go see my daughter graduate and miss my step-daughter’s ceremony, she will divorce me. Not sure what to do; right now I am looking at divorce because I feel as a father that it’s my responsibility to be there for my daughter. — Graduation Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,

Dump that bitch.
 

RareBreed

Throwing the deuces
Hey Vrai, how would you answer this? In-laws choose last church service with current Pastor over first Grandson's HS graduation. I plan on going off on them but you have a real way with words that I can use to get my point across better. :lol:
 

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron

My boyfriend, “Fred,” and I have been together for over four years. During our first three years together, Fred and his sister were not speaking due to a fight they’d had a year before we got together. I only met her a year ago and she was very cold to me. He’s not close with her, but they text every now and then. She’s very close with his ex, whom she knew during the eleven years the ex and Fred were married. His ex hates me and has threatened to physically attack me if she ever sees me in person, which makes coordinating holidays very difficult as they have three children together.

I grew up in a house where Thanksgiving and Christmas were very important and we had a lot of traditions. In order to be with Fred, I had to move across the country from my family, so I can’t celebrate with them. Travel isn’t possible right now.

I always try to coordinate holidays so that Fred gets time with his kids (which usually means going to his ex’s house where his sister usually spends holidays) but so that he also spends time with me. Sometimes we have the kids over and have our own day, like our own Thanksgiving on a different day, and then the kids celebrate with their mom and extended family on actual Thanksgiving and my boyfriend and I spend the day together. I think this is a good compromise. I don’t want to rob him of a holiday with his children, but I don’t want to miss out on the holidays with Fred, either.
This year his sister bought a house with her new husband and they have a baby. She lives two hours away and texted Fred a few days ago to invite him to Thanksgiving at her house, saying she’d already invited his ex and the kids. I was furious.

Fred’s mother (who absolutely loves me and has always tried to include me whenever she can) was also furious, and talked about skipping Thanksgiving because of this. The sister’s husband even agreed and thought I should be invited over the ex, but the sister refused to listen. Fred told his sister he wasn’t going to leave me alone on Thanksgiving and he couldn’t make it, and she said, “Understandable. See you next time.”

Now I’m terrified she’s going to ruin Christmas and every holiday for the foreseeable future. What should I do? The only way I can talk to the sister is through Facebook, but I feel like maybe I should try that. I don’t particularly want to be friends with her, but I don’t see why she should control all the holidays and get the chance to exclude me so she can invite the ex.

Fred doesn’t want to fight with either his ex or his sister – the former because of their children and his feeling guilty about leaving them, the latter because they just reconciled last year and fighting again would upset their mother. I just don’t know what to do. I want everyone to have holiday time, but no one is fighting for me. — Left Out of Thanksgiving



Dear Dummy,

Why are you letting this bitch control your life? Have Thanksgiving at your house and invite the family, omitting the ex. If they come they come, if they don't oh well. There's no law that says the alpha sister must have every holiday gathering at her place; she controls the holidays because you let her. And who the hell drives two hours to go to dinner anyway?
 

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
I am a 30-year-old single mother of a 6-year-old girl. It was basically just the two of us for three years until I met my current boyfriend, Rob. Rob is the best in many ways: respectful, mature, down to earth, and smart. Plus, my daughter adores him and we have really become a family; she even calls him “Dad.”

The first year was the best, but then we moved in together and his sex drive kind of… disappeared. I noticed that, instead of having sex four or five times a week, it quickly became once every two weeks. When I asked him about it, he would simply say that he was tired. The first few months we would still have sex, but only because I would ask. One day I decided to let him want me, and nothing happened for six months. When I ask, he says that for him sex is not important, that he is just tired, and that, no, he is not cheating. I even asked if he was gay, and he said no to that as well.

I know it’s a delicate subject especially for guys, so I never shout and I always stay calm when communicating. I begged him to tell me if maybe I am the problem, if maybe I should change something; I asked him to see a doctor as maybe that would give us answers. He finally went to the doctor and nothing was wrong with the blood test results, so I asked him to see a sex expert, saying that I would go with him if he wanted me to, but he doesn’t do anything.

I love him, but I am not happy. One day I am telling myself that it’s over, the next day I will look at him and think, “Why would I leave him when apart from the sex issue everything is going well?” Plus, I don’t want to break his or my daughter’s heart. I hate that I start thinking about other guys just for sex — I am not the kind of person to cheat — but my mind is driving me nuts!

What should I do? Am I being selfish? Should I be more patient? It has been two years, but nothing changes and I am completely lost. I don’t want a life without him, but I don’t want to stay with him if it remains this way. — Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired,

He's just not that into you, and PS he's probably got a sidepiece as well. Dump him. Oh, and stop having your daughter call your boyfriends "Daddy". That's just creepy.
 
Hey Vrai, how would you answer this? In-laws choose last church service with current Pastor over first Grandson's HS graduation. I plan on going off on them but you have a real way with words that I can use to get my point across better. :lol:
I don't know what Vrai will say, but I can give my opinion. I wouldn't have a problem with this especially if you are planning to have a post-graduation celebration and they plan to attend those festivities.
 

RareBreed

Throwing the deuces
I don't know what Vrai will say, but I can give my opinion. I wouldn't have a problem with this especially if you are planning to have a post-graduation celebration and they plan to attend those festivities.
They live in Georgia. They told us/him they'd be there but when they found out it was their Pastor's last service, they said they wouldn't be coming after all. To make matters worse, they must not know we told our son the truth because in their card, they said "old age" was the reason they wouldn't be attending.
 

RoseRed

American Beauty
PREMO Member
They live in Georgia. They told us/him they'd be there but when they found out it was their Pastor's last service, they said they wouldn't be coming after all. To make matters worse, they must not know we told our son the truth because in their card, they said "old age" was the reason they wouldn't be attending.
Did they send a gift?
 
They live in Georgia. They told us/him they'd be there but when they found out it was their Pastor's last service, they said they wouldn't be coming after all. To make matters worse, they must not know we told our son the truth because in their card, they said "old age" was the reason they wouldn't be attending.
There probably is some truth to that... Georgia to MD is a long ride to and back.

I'm just suggesting you look at it from a different perspective rather than being so upset with them. There is nothing personal or memorable about the ceremony. High school graduations are typically hot, crowded, poor sound so you can't even hear the guest speakers, the kids are rushed through the procession and then it's over and the kid is off with friends doing post-grad stuff.

You mentioned this was the first grandchild graduation. It could be that they don't want to set a precedent where they will be expected to attend every grandchild's graduation.

I'm just saying there could very well be a lot of factors in why they aren't going to make the trip and from one mom to another I'm just suggesting you don't take it so personally and focus on your immediate family and enjoy your son's ceremony without harboring ill feelings.
 

RareBreed

Throwing the deuces
There probably is some truth to that... Georgia to MD is a long ride to and back.

I'm just suggesting you look at it from a different perspective rather than being so upset with them. There is nothing personal or memorable about the ceremony. High school graduations are typically hot, crowded, poor sound so you can't even hear the guest speakers, the kids are rushed through the procession and then it's over and the kid is off with friends doing post-grad stuff.

You mentioned this was the first grandchild graduation. It could be that they don't want to set a precedent where they will be expected to attend every grandchild's graduation.

I'm just saying there could very well be a lot of factors in why they aren't going to make the trip and from one mom to another I'm just suggesting you don't take it so personally and focus on your immediate family and enjoy your son's ceremony without harboring ill feelings.
I guess you have to know them to understand why I am upset. They make excuses all the time why they can't visit our boys. My FIL even went as far as saying he was disappointed we had a second boy and "really wanted" a girl. They own a motor home that would make a rock star's tour bus feel like a closet in comparison. They only have two grandkids and the fact that their Pastor is more important to them than our two boys is not ok with me.
 

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
Hey Vrai, how would you answer this? In-laws choose last church service with current Pastor over first Grandson's HS graduation. I plan on going off on them but you have a real way with words that I can use to get my point across better. :lol:


DUMP THEM!

Nah, just kidding. I wouldn't care about this, but if it were something I did care about I wouldn't say anything and then make them pay in a passive-aggressive way in the future.
 

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
They only have two grandkids and the fact that their Pastor is more important to them than our two boys is not ok with me.

Most of the letters to these advice columns boil down to one question: "How can I get this person to change?"

Answer: you can't. The only thing you can do is change your expectations and reaction to them.

I don't know as the Pastor is more important to them, but he's probably a bigger part of their everyday life than their grandson is (sorry to say, but that's the way it is when families live so far apart). Is it important to your son that they be there or does he even care?
 
I guess you have to know them to understand why I am upset. They make excuses all the time why they can't visit our boys. My FIL even went as far as saying he was disappointed we had a second boy and "really wanted" a girl. They own a motor home that would make a rock star's tour bus feel like a closet in comparison. They only have two grandkids and the fact that their Pastor is more important to them than our two boys is not ok with me.
Well there you go. You can't force parents to want to be involved grandparents and yours made it clear over 18 years they didn't intend to take on the role. This should be expected and rollin' off your back. I wouldn't have invited them at all. In fact, I wouldn't be extending an invitation for anything and would go about my life without dwelling on it.

Trying to guilt them into something their not will only harm your mental state and transfer to your kids. Let it go and focus on your boys. If they ask about them tell them tell them they chose to do 'them' and so it's their loss.
 
My son told us he'd rather have them than the check. He doesn't even want to cash it because it sends the message that them backing out at the last minute is forgiven with money.
Your son is an adult now. This would be a GREAT opportunity for him to address HIS non-relationship directly with them. If this is really what he wants, then the emotional freedom he gets from penning his thoughts/feelings and returning the check will be worth the $200 'loss'. :yay:
 
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