My boyfriend, “Fred,” and I have been together for over four years. During our first three years together, Fred and his sister were not speaking due to a fight they’d had a year before we got together. I only met her a year ago and she was very cold to me. He’s not close with her, but they text every now and then. She’s very close with his ex, whom she knew during the eleven years the ex and Fred were married. His ex hates me and has threatened to physically attack me if she ever sees me in person, which makes coordinating holidays very difficult as they have three children together.
I grew up in a house where Thanksgiving and Christmas were very important and we had a lot of traditions. In order to be with Fred, I had to move across the country from my family, so I can’t celebrate with them. Travel isn’t possible right now.
I always try to coordinate holidays so that Fred gets time with his kids (which usually means going to his ex’s house where his sister usually spends holidays) but so that he also spends time with me. Sometimes we have the kids over and have our own day, like our own Thanksgiving on a different day, and then the kids celebrate with their mom and extended family on actual Thanksgiving and my boyfriend and I spend the day together. I think this is a good compromise. I don’t want to rob him of a holiday with his children, but I don’t want to miss out on the holidays with Fred, either.
This year his sister bought a house with her new husband and they have a baby. She lives two hours away and texted Fred a few days ago to invite him to Thanksgiving at her house, saying she’d already invited his ex and the kids. I was furious.
Fred’s mother (who absolutely loves me and has always tried to include me whenever she can) was also furious, and talked about skipping Thanksgiving because of this. The sister’s husband even agreed and thought I should be invited over the ex, but the sister refused to listen. Fred told his sister he wasn’t going to leave me alone on Thanksgiving and he couldn’t make it, and she said, “Understandable. See you next time.”
Now I’m terrified she’s going to ruin Christmas and every holiday for the foreseeable future. What should I do? The only way I can talk to the sister is through Facebook, but I feel like maybe I should try that. I don’t particularly want to be friends with her, but I don’t see why she should control all the holidays and get the chance to exclude me so she can invite the ex.
Fred doesn’t want to fight with either his ex or his sister – the former because of their children and his feeling guilty about leaving them, the latter because they just reconciled last year and fighting again would upset their mother. I just don’t know what to do. I want everyone to have holiday time, but no one is fighting for me. — Left Out of Thanksgiving
