Dear Wendy:

[RareBreed]

Well there you go. You can't force parents to want to be involved grandparents and yours made it clear over 18 years they didn't intend to take on the role. This should be expected and rollin' off your back. I wouldn't have invited them at all. In fact, I wouldn't be extending an invitation for anything and would go about my life without dwelling on it.

Trying to guilt them into something their not will only harm your mental state and transfer to your kids. Let it go and focus on your boys. If they ask about them tell them tell them they chose to do 'them' and so it's their loss.

I guess why this hurts more than every other time they've done this is because of how my son is reacting to it.

 

[RareBreed]

Your son is an adult now. This would be a GREAT opportunity for him to address HIS non-relationship directly with them. If this is really what he wants, then the emotional freedom he gets from penning his thoughts/feelings and returning the check will be worth the $200 'loss'.

He isn't going to cash/deposit it and will give it back to them personally when they stop by on their way home from NY in July.

 

[GURPS]

The first year was the best, but then we moved in together and his sex drive kind of… disappeared. I noticed that, instead of having sex four or five times a week, it quickly became once every two weeks. When I asked him about it, he would simply say that he was tired. The first few months we would still have sex, but only because I would ask. One day I decided to let him want me, and nothing happened for six months. When I ask, he says that for him sex is not important, that he is just tired, and that, no, he is not cheating. I even asked if he was gay, and he said no to that as well.

I see similar situations on Reddit r/relationship_advice usually a side piece or porn addiction

 

[kwillia]

I guess why this hurts more than every other time they've done this is because of how my son is reacting to it.

Seriously.... this is a teaching/learning moment in his life that you can mentor by simply giving him the space to deal with it himself. Perfect time for him to address it and then MOVE ON. Don't let him harbor the hurt and resentment you've been harboring for years. Let him address it now and he'll be okay going forward... college graduation, wedding, babies, etc.

He should do it with the intention of owning he feelings but with an understanding it will not have an overall impact on their feelings. Even if they get an immediate sense of guiilt, Truth is they are not going to suddenly find some sense of closeness or obligation.

Do the right thing, mom. Let your boy man-up and follow through with his gut instinct. It will be emotionally freeing for him.

 

[vraiblonde]

He isn't going to cash/deposit it and will give it back to them personally when they stop by on their way home from NY in July.

Why? Just to make the grandparents feel bad? And do you think it will work?

If it were me, I'd take the money, say thank you and sorry you can't make it to my graduation. See you in July.

 

[kwillia]

He isn't going to cash/deposit it and will give it back to them personally when they stop by on their way home from NY in July.

I think that's a wrong move. Cashing it now sends no message to them at all. Waiting until July to address it will have little to no impact.

However, sending the uncashed check with his own words as to why he's sending it back says it all. He'll heal enough by July to be able to handle any face to face fallout if there is any at all. His grandparents are likely to never bring it up and go on about status quo.

 

[kwillia]

Why? Just to make the grandparents feel bad? And do you think it will work?

If it were me, I'd take the money, say thank you and sorry you can't make it to my graduation. See you in July.

Not everyone can shrug the emotional baggage as easily as you. You are the 'rare breed' in that sense. I'm reading this all different from you. I'm sensing RB and her children have been harboring the resentment for years and it will continue to fester as long as they continue to believe they can guilt the grandparents into changing.

Let the boy man-up and learn to become more like Vrai. Let him address it head-on in the NOW and then MOVE ON. If he doesn't learn it in young adulthood, he'll end up continuing the family legacy of internalizing the resentment.

 

[RareBreed]

Not everyone can shrug the emotional baggage as easily as you. You are the 'rare breed' in that sense. I'm reading this all different from you. I'm sensing RB and her children have been harboring the resentment for years and it will continue to fester as long as they continue to believe they can guilt the grandparents into changing.

Let the boy man-up and learn to become more like Vrai. Let him address it head-on in the NOW and then MOVE ON. If he doesn't learn it in young adulthood, he'll end up continuing the family legacy of internalizing the resentment.

We don't want to guilt them into changing. They have been like that since my husband was a kid. Everything else was more important than their kids. Even his Dad said they should have never had kids!! We accept that and even my kids don't expect much from them in regards to having a relationship and they will never "rank" in the minds of these people. Son just hoped this might have been the one thing his grandparents felt was important.

 

[vraiblonde]

Not everyone can shrug the emotional baggage as easily as you.

That's because I'm a professional!

I'm sensing RB and her children have been harboring the resentment for years and it will continue to fester as long as they continue to believe they can guilt the grandparents into changing.

This is my sense as well, but again the question is, "How can I get this person to change?" and the answer is, "You can't."

 

[Kyle]

Let the boy man-up and learn to become more like Vrai.

Teach him the phrase... "I'm going to be mean for a moment and say to you...."

 

[vraiblonde]

We don't want to guilt them into changing. They have been like that since my husband was a kid. Everything else was more important than their kids. Even his Dad said they should have never had kids!! We accept that and even my kids don't expect much from them in regards to having a relationship and they will never "rank" in the minds of these people. Son just hoped this might have been the one thing his grandparents felt was important.

Tell me again why your son wants to give back the $200?

 

[kwillia]

We don't want to guilt them into changing. They have been like that since my husband was a kid. Everything else was more important than their kids. Even his Dad said they should have never had kids!! We accept that and even my kids don't expect much from them in regards to having a relationship and they will never "rank" in the minds of these people. Son just hoped this might have been the one thing his grandparents felt was important.

It can't be both ways... either you and your family are emotionally wounded by them and you need to help your now adult son learn to let it go..... or.…. Vrai's perpective is the right one which is expect nothing and take what you can get... cash the check and blow the $200 on something fun.

My mom's mom was the grandma from hell. We took the stance I'm suggesting and it worked. There is no drama at all when you stop sending invitations or set expectations thinking 'it will be different this time'. Life goes on without them and if they breeze in, so be it. If they don't, so be it.

The alternative is Vrai's way of dealing with these kind of relatives. Fake the smile and hug and take whatever guilt money they hand you that makes them feel better. they come passing thru in July and want to treat everyone to steak and lobster... whooooohooo! Rub your full belly and wave as they pull out.

Your posts are very emotional. So that's why I'm leaning toward you and him not yet being able to be nonchalant about them. Thus, my recommendation to let him wash his hands of them... so to speak. It's really a freeing release on the rest of life.

 

[kwillia]

And all that aside, let me state my view on HS graduations.... I think the pomp and circumstance is way over-rated. Most people expect our children to do their 'job' and graduate from HS. I think the ceremony is way more important to the immediate family who had blood, sweat and tears in 12 years of homework, school projects, fundraising, running forgotten whatever to school, etc. , but not that big of a deal to the rest of the family. Yes, everyone is happy and proud, but attending the ceremony isn't really necessary for anyone other than the parents.... that's my take on it.

 

[vraiblonde]

The alternative is Vrai's way of dealing with these kind of relatives. Fake the smile and hug and take whatever guilt money they hand you that makes them feel better. they come passing thru in July and want to treat everyone to steak and lobster... whooooohooo! Rub your full belly and wave as they pull out.

This was my bioDad, but I didn't have to fake the smile and hug because I accepted him for who he was and my glad to see him or hear from him was genuine. He was quite honest about giving me money and stuff to help ease his guilty conscience, and I was like, "Well, I'm not mad or anything but....okay! Thanks!"

 

[kwillia]

This was my bioDad, but I didn't have to fake the smile and hug because I accepted him for who he was and my glad to see him or hear from him was genuine. He was quite honest about giving me money and stuff to help ease his guilty conscience, and I was like, "Well, I'm not mad or anything but....okay! Thanks!"

Yep… my grandma-from-hell died at 80 having never met my husband or kids. Though I didn't expect her to attend, I did invite her to my wedding and I was super shocked when I receive an RSVP stating her intention to attend. But then a week before the wedding she left me voicemail stating she couldn't find shoes to match the dress she planned on wearing so she wasn't going to make it after all. She sent us a check... we cashed it and mailed a thank you note... And because I had long ago come to terms with knowing that was who she was and never to expect different... I enjoyed my wedding day without giving her a thought until it came time to open her card and write her a thank you.

 

[glhs837]

High school graduations are typically hot, crowded, poor sound so you can't even hear the guest speakers, the kids are rushed through the procession and then it's over and the kid is off with friends doing post-grad stuff.

Dont forget the friken airhorns and friken Blues Brothers in church class over the top "This is the high point of young (insert name here) life, let'er rip!!!!" celebrations.

 

[RoseRed]

Dont forget the friken airhorns and friken Blues Brothers in church class over the top "This is the high point of young (insert name here) life, let'er rip!!!!" celebrations.

Like the woman that yelled "I DID THAT!!! I DID THAT!!! I DID THAT!!!" When her daughter walked last week?

 

[lucky_bee]

And all that aside, let me state my view on HS graduations.... I think the pomp and circumstance is way over-rated. Most people expect our children to do their 'job' and graduate from HS. I think the ceremony is way more important to the immediate family who had blood, sweat and tears in 12 years of homework, school projects, fundraising, running forgotten whatever to school, etc. , but not that big of a deal to the rest of the family. Yes, everyone is happy and proud, but attending the ceremony isn't really necessary for anyone other than the parents.... that's my take on it.

I agree. For mine, we lived closer to more family back then and had a bbq/party. We did the same for my college graduation, but I actually wish I had not bothered with walking for that. I'm not sure why I did. I sat there for HOURS, for a college I was meh about, with people I didn't know anymore at that point, and since the ceremony was so long we just did a small bbq again afterwards. I'd rather have had it sent in the mail and gone out to a fancy dinner instead.

 

[lucky_bee]

Like the woman that yelled "I DID THAT!!! I DID THAT!!! I DID THAT!!!" When her daughter walked last week?

I went to a wedding last month where the mother of the groom did that. (she had been previously ostracized from all the groom's family except the groom mama's boy) She was introduced by the DJ during the bridal party entrances and walked out screaming "I GAVE BIRTH TO THE GROOM!! I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM!!"

 

[kwillia]

Dont forget the friken airhorns and friken Blues Brothers in church class over the top "This is the high point of young (insert name here) life, let'er rip!!!!" celebrations.

Yep. We live in a day and age where the vast majority of students are expected to graduate from HS... heck diplomas are now given out as participation trophies in many cases these days.

College graduations are ever more of a charade. My daughter graduated from VCU receiving a diploma in chemistry and a diploma in applied mathematics... the graduating students were a vast auditorium of bodies and as a major was announced the group graduating that major stood up then quickly sat back down again and off it was to the next announced major. Later that day, each department had a choice to have a 'mock' graduation where they handed out a rolled "whooohoo" made out to look like a diploma to your kid as he/she walked across the front of the room in which their mock graduation was being held. My daughter went to her first one (science) and after realizing what a farce it was she decided she didn't need to go to the 2nd. The real diplomas came in the mail weeks later.