Dilema

[jeneisen]

Ok, I need some advice. I don't have children but most of my friends do. I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night and she flat out asked me if I thought she was a good mom and if her kid was a brat. I had no idea what to say so of course I said of course your a great mom and no she's not a brat, but really I don't feel that way. Her kid isn't a brat but her mothering skills leave a lot to be desired. Did I do the right thing? I try not to give advice to people with children b/c I don't have any but sometimes as an outsider I see things moms might not.

So, should I just keep my thoughts to myself until I have kids, or when asked should I be honest? Would you moms really take advice from someone who doesn't have children?

 

[justhangn]

A dad of two here.


ALL OF US could use a parenting class, one time or another, you may suggest this to her.

 

[jeneisen]

Yeah but I really don't want to lose a friend here and she asks me advice all the time and once when I gave it to her she said, " well you'll change when you have kids" so I just shut up after that. I believe don't ask for advice if you don't really want to hear it.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by jeneisen
Yeah but I really don't want to lose a friend here and she asks me advice all the time and once when I gave it to her she said, " well you'll change when you have kids" so I just shut up after that. I believe don't ask for advice if you don't really want to hear it.

When seeking advice, you first need to ask yourself if you can take the answer.

To me, it sounds like she is immature. IF she is a true friend, she will THINK about what you are saying and understand. Obviously she is questioning her parental skills in the first place.

Recommend S.T.E.P. to her. http://www.incaf.com/courses.php

 

[SxyPrincess]

IMO - since you DON'T have children, you could not know some of the stress that goes along with kids. I'd say keep quiet until you have some of your own. Wouldn't want your mouth to get you in trouble, would ya?

 

[JabbaJawz]

I would have told her that she was a good mother in general, and proceeded to 'tactfully' discuss the areas where she could use some work. I like to be honest, but try to not be completely brutal in areas I know people are sensitive. Remember - you can be honest with people, it's just all in HOW you say it. If you say it one way they could get all offended, but if you word your statement correctly you can be honest and they'll appreciate the comments more (as opposed to getting defensive). I mean, she is the one who asked for your opinion, but I'm sure still wouldn't want to be bashed, ya know. So, I recommend you just be tactful about it!

 

[Kain99]

What a tough spot..... Obviously momma is worrying about her own skills. If the two of you are close friends maybe you can sit down with a nice cup of coffee and have a heart to heart.

The best approach will be one of "understanding" Play the "parenting in today's society is really tough card."

Tell her that you care about her and are willing to brainstorm with her. Together you guys can come up with a plan..... It's all about psychology. If you attack her or belittle her she'll stay a bad mom and your friendship will most certainly end.

If you build her up and stroke her ego she will hang on every word you say and hopefully turn things around.

 

[jeneisen]

Exactally thats what I am afraid of but sometimes common sense prevails and you have to necessarily have kids to relate. For example, she sees nothing wrong with letting her daughter call her a b*tch. She is 5 years old. Now I don't think I have to go through labor to know that its not right for that to happen. She thinks its cute. I don't think its cute.

 

[RoseRed]

Originally posted by jeneisen
Exactally thats what I am afraid of but sometimes common sense prevails and you have to necessarily have kids to relate. For example, she sees nothing wrong with letting her daughter call her a b*tch. She is 5 years old. Now I don't think I have to go through labor to know that its not right for that to happen. She thinks its cute. I don't think its cute.

OMG!!! That is so NOT cute! If my 5 year old called me that, I would have to knock her into next week! That is bad parenting to let her child talk like that.

 

[Sharon]

Originally posted by jeneisen
For example, she sees nothing wrong with letting her daughter call her a b*tch. She is 5 years old. Now I don't think I have to go through labor to know that its not right for that to happen. She thinks its cute. I don't think its cute.

She needs help, don't lie to her anymore. Tell her that it's just plain wrong to let her brat act like that and it'll only get worse. If it costs you a friendship, it probably wasn't worth it in the first place. Kids need guidance, not immature parents.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by jeneisen
For example, she sees nothing wrong with letting her daughter call her a b*tch. She is 5 years old. Now I don't think I have to go through labor to know that its not right for that to happen. She thinks its cute. I don't think its cute.

UFB, that kid will one day kick her mothers butt.

REAL CUTE.

 

[jeneisen]

Oh that is just one of the many things I can name. She isn't a bad kid but he doesn't get punished for anything. The problem is I don't see her that often b/c they live in a different state but when I do see her its always something.

I don't know what to tell her. She used to let her hit her but after she hit me and I smacked her back, she stopped. I told my friend that I didn't want to see that in my house again and so far I haven't. I just see a long painful road ahead for both of them.

 

[JabbaJawz]

That kid is totally outta control!!! If she can't control a 5 year old, imagine when that child is 15!!! LOOK OUT!! She'll be on Montell crying and boo-hooing while the daughter (pregnant/stripper/or worse) will strut out in next to nothing! I can see it now...

That is complete disrespect and if the mother doesn't control the child now someone else eventually will.

 

[jeneisen]

Thats exactally what I think but I don't have kids and I know you parents out there might have a problem hearing that from me. I have said things in the past to friends and family and I always get the you don't understand thing. After a while you just shut up. I don't have to live with it and I can promise you when I do have kids they will not treat me that way.

 

[JabbaJawz]

Originally posted by jeneisen
Thats exactally what I think but I don't have kids and I know you parents out there might have a problem hearing that from me. I have said things in the past to friends and family and I always get the you don't understand thing. After a while you just shut up. I don't have to live with it and I can promise you when I do have kids they will not treat me that way.

BUT, just remember - in this case, SHE is the one who asked for your opinion. So, it's not like you're busting up on her with it out of the blue.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by laureng
That kid is totally outta control!!! If she can't control a 5 year old, imagine when that child is 15!!! LOOK OUT!! She'll be on Montell crying and boo-hooing while the daughter (pregnant/stripper/or worse) will strut out in next to nothing! I can see it now...

That is complete disrespect and if the mother doesn't control the child now someone else eventually will.

You are so right.

Children NEED control and guidence, if you fail at either or both of these, you end up with my daughter, I mean a hellian.

YES, my wife lets my daughter get away with murder and I spend MOST of my time trying to rewire her to act civilized......

 

[Kyle]

This thread is kill'n me...



Honesty!

 

[blueeyes76]

IMO - since you DON'T have children, you could not know some of the stress that goes along with kids.

Well, the way I see it...I was a kid once! I know how much of a pain in the ### I was but it didn't stop my parents from disciplining me when I needed it. Too many parents today just give their kids what they want to keep them quiet.

 

[SxyPrincess]

Re: This thread is kill'n me...

Originally posted by Kyle


Honesty!

I've seen some people kid(s) (who have posted on this thread) act up. I won't give out names, though!

 

[JabbaJawz]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
Well, the way I see it...I was a kid once! I know how much of a pain in the ### I was but it didn't stop my parents from disciplining me when I needed it. Too many parents today just give their kids what they want to keep them quiet.

Agreed. Parents have to stand their ground and let the children know what is expected of them, as well as what will not be tolerated. The main mistake I see other parents make is to NOT FOLLOW THROUGH with punishment. Don't tell the child he is 'not going to get to do this or that' or that you are going to take away a toy, etc... if you have no intention of actually following through. Then the child knows who's in charge of the arguments - they are! I get looked at as the ogre a lot of times, in public too, because when I say there will be a consequence for my daughter, I mean it. If she presses on with her bad behavior, I roll on with the punishment - no exceptions!