Discipline

[wyldanjel]

CCsugarcane on 1:27 pm on Feb. 13, 2002[br]I don't believe in idol threats or bribing my kids to behave.  My kids will learn that if you don't behave there are consequences and sometimes that may mean a spanking while others may mean a simple time out or sent to their rooms.  

I don't give idol threats and a reward for good behavior isn't a bribe.  It shows the child something that will follow her through life.  doing good things will get you rewards.  Look at all the ppl in prison and jails these days.  With so many repeat offenders it's obviuos that the punishment doesn't work.

 

[wyldanjel]

vraiblonde on 1:44 pm on Feb. 13, 2002[br]

I threaten to beat my kids on a daily basis but I haven't actually laid hands on them in years.  Thank God they don't make me "put up or shut up" because I'm not sure what I'd do.

Everytime my husband or I get upset to the boiling point we always say time to call 1-800-Beat A Kid.  Then the other parent will handle the situation. LOL

 

[Ken King]

Karaalexis79,

“Open hands can inflict injury too.  I know from experience.  I spank my daughter when she is misbehaving, but smacking on the bottom or legs to get a point across and slapping in the face are two different things.  I don't think you should ever hit a child in the face (or anybody for that matter).”

I think an open hand can cause pain but unless your talking about a karate chop I don’t think that they can cause injury.  While you might not agree with smacking anyone in the face at this time I wonder if you will feel the same after your kids get older and swatting the bottom doesn’t work anymore.  I also wonder how you would react if faced with the same comments I faced.  The police officer even understood why I did it; now use your imagination as to the level of foulness that came from her lips and you yourself might find a point of losing it.  But as others have said it is the parent’s choice on the forms of punishment to use.  I chose the one I did and you know in over 7 years she has never repeated those words to me, at least not where I can hear them.

Vraiblonde,

If I had said to my parents what my daughter said to me I am positive my father would have killed me or at least beat me within an inch of my life.  Mom would have worn my a$$
out with that special ping-pong paddle she had drilled with holes for speed and affect.

 

[CCsugarcane]

Now there is nothing wrong with rewarding good behavior however its something that should be done in moderation.  My children where good when we went out to eat a few nights ago and I was so proud of them we went to the store and they each got to pick out a toy and we allowed them to get two  just because we were so proud of these 2 and 3 year olds behavior.  However I explained to them and made sure they knew they are always expected to be good that they won't always get surprises for being good.  Kids need to learn to be good to benefit themselves not just to please others.  However a week before that we went out and my daughter acted up, after several warnings and no change in behavior, I took her to the bath room pulled her paints down and gave her one spank on the bottom.  I didn't have no more problems out of her the rest of the evening.  When we got home neither child got any treats because their behavior didn't warent on and they went straight to bed.  

 

[vraiblonde]

Ken, you don't have to explain any further.  My girlfriend and her daughter were having a "difference of opinion" and I don't know which made me gasp more - what the daughter said or when the Mom smacked her in the mouth.  My friend felt bad but it was definitely a well-earned smack.

 

[karaalexis79]

Ken King,
You are right, in a way.  My daughter is only 21 months.  So maybe in 12-13 years, I will change my mind.  I just speak from experience, and know that it wasn't a good thing and vowed I would never beat my child.  But I never did the thing I got smacked in the face for again, so maybe you do have a point.

Kara~

 

[Ken King]

Vraiblonde,

Glad you understand, I too felt bad after I did it but I feel doing nothing wouldn't have done anything but show that I would allow her behavior and no telling where that would lead.  

Kara,

I hope you never have to spank your child either or smack them across the mouth, just take it one day at a time and maybe you will have that child we all dreamed of.

 

[grizmonkey]

We use "time outs" as our usual form of punishment.  I know to most it sounds silly and ineffective, but for our 4 year old it works.  When he is told to go in time-out (which involves sitting on the couch for a while), he usually throws a fit, because to him it is the worst way in the world to be punished.  Once he calms down, we make him tell us why he is in time out, to make sure he understands what he did wrong.  Sometimes he'll try to bargain with us "if I tell you what I did wrong, can I not go to time out?"

On the other hand, when our 19 month old does something bad we ask "Do you want to go to time out?"  His response is always "uh-huh", then he climbs up on the couch and sits there with a big grin on his face.  Hopefully some day he'll learn to hate time outs like his brother

 

[vraiblonde]

I'm a big fan of time-out - gives the kid a chance to break their stride when they're acting nuts.  Sending them to their room, writing sentences, standing them in a corner - those are forms of time-out and we still use it on our kids (10-18) for minor infractions like lipping off, being rude, rough-housing in the living room, etc.  You just haven't lived until you've seen an 18 year old standing in the corner for his smart mouth.

 

[Christy]

I've read all the various forms of discipline everyone uses on here and I have to say I use "all of the above".  It all depends on the situation and age.  For a long time my son would have preferred getting his butt whacked rather than having to go to his room.  So of course, it was off to the room for him.  Now he's at an age where a butt beating is horribly embarrassing to his ten year old manhood.  So it's butt whipping.  When his friends are over, there is nothing worse to him to be sent to his room for a while, when his friends are having a good time.  It's all about the best motivator to get them to not repeat stupid behavior.  He's actually getting to a point where simply verbally letting him know what he's doing is not cool with me.  I reckon that will last a blissful two to three years and then rotten teenager will emerge and I'll have to go with something else.

 

[old school]

I think that if you are executing the proper discipline at home, you won't have to embarass yourself and your child in public. I could just look my children in the eye with a straight face and they would immediately sit down. I only ever swatted my son(physically punish) once on the behind and that was in his bedroom at the age of 6. If parents would follow through with what they tell the children they are going to do and not warn them 100 times first.....they wouldn't have the problems they have today. In addition to this you MUST spend a lot more quality time with kids today because they have so much pulling at them. Time is the most valuable thing you can give your child ! When you send a child to his/her room, you don't send them in there with a TV, Nintendo...... music. I used to stand outside or sit outside my sons door and make sure he laid there and stared at the ceiling or wherever and didn't do anything but think about why he was being punished. A lot of parents today WON'T take the time to do anything correctly.
My answer is........ punish them as soon as they misbehave no matter where you are, when they are adolescents (unless you are in church). When they become teenagers......... make them wonder for a while (hours) before you execute your reaction.

 

[Septgirl]

Guess,

I know I will probably also get some slack about this, but I agree with you that it is annoying and nerve-wracking to have a kid bawling in the store isle because he can't get his way, and then the mother either ignores the child or keeps yelling, "No, I said you can't have that!"  Or, you have the parent that will smack or spank the child, and then the child lets out a "Ear-Busting" scream that rattles your every nerve, especially when you happen to be standing right next to them in the isle!! I will usually go five isles down, and count to 100 while I am going.  To all concerned, I also don't have kids, but I remember being a child, and I also feel that I still can voice my opinion, childless or not.  When I misbehaved in a store or at my relatives home, I can remember that my parents would get me in the car and turn around to me and say, "Wait until you get home!!"  Those rides home were usually the quietest and scariest, because we knew what we would get when we got home; no broken promises in their words!!

 

[Christy]

You know, I don't buy into the fact that executing proper discipline at home prevents a child from pushing their limits when out in public.  I can't say that my kids are monsters when out in public, simply just being kids.  I mean what kid wouldn't be frothing at the mouth over the cool new toy they've passed by or incredibly miserable being drug through the bra section at JCPenny?  My kids absolutely hate going to the store with me due to both of the above.  They don't get the new toys and I don't cater to their boredom when I've got to get some shopping done.  Irregardless of that fact, they still whine, beg, and complain.  Which doesn't bother me at all unless and until they make a scene.  Then I resort to my previous postings.  

 

[CCsugarcane]

I agree my children can be well behaved at home but the second they walk into a store, they become off the hook.  Fighting over who sits in the front of the cart, or roaming off while I'm looking at some clothes. I understand people hate to hear a kid screaming and crying in a store.  However its not easy raising kids and always knowing what to do.  Everybody does things their own way and not everything works on every child.  I truly believe that diciplining my children in public is only going to make them better people in the long run.  I don't always have to spank but when I do I don't care who is around.  People who don't have kids don't always understand what its like to be in the store and have a shopping cart half full and then have a child decide they want to throw a fit for some cookies.  Then when you tell them no they only get louder and start a blood curtling scream.  At that point I haven't even touch my child but when I do give a swat on the butt and tell them to knock that noise off majority of the time it stops.  Like I've said in the past a look doesn't work on my kids at the ages of 2 and 3.  They just think I'm making faces and laugh.  As far as spending quality time with my children.  Thats all they get from me.  My life revolves around them.  From 5 - 8 every evening an Every weekend I'm with them doing stuff with them.  

 

[shamrock]

Kudos to everyone taking the time to think about & discuss a difficult topic.   For what it is worth, our family has always used the term "direct disobedience" for anything that would lead to a spanking.  It sounds really militant, which our family is not, but it defines for all of us when a spanking is a likely result.  We try to stay calm and think of "reasonable consequences" for most usual difficult "kid behavior".  Kids really see things differently and often don't think before they act, and it is important that the adults stay calm and in control.  There are times; however, when some children refuse to be "directed".  If I am asking a child to do something and the answer is "no" - a willful response, that is direct disobedience and a spanking is the consequence.  This only works if the adult is clear and reasonable with their expectation, and if the child is willful in his/her response.  In our family, we do not "swat" the kids, because a spanking is a very serious punishment (we walk to the shelf and get the paddle, then walk back to the kid's bedroom where they get two or three paddles on the behind- this also helps insure that the spanking adult is not too angry!) and this sounds really awful, but I fully expect it to hurt, although mostly it is a very temporary sting and lots of humiliation.  If we are out in public, we generally leave.  I'm sure that this is not a perfect solution for everyone, but I can say that I have two teenage boys who were spanked on occasion when they were younger (when kids know that you are serious, they don't need spanked often at all!) and many people in our community comment on what nice kids they are.  I'm proud of the way that they treat others, (especially me!) with respect and consideration.  I have a seven year old that has only been spanked twice in her life.  Advice:  Keep your expectations for your kids reasonable and teach them to behave & be respectful when they are YOUNG. If they don't listen when they are small, they never will.  Good luck.    

 

[jellybean]

I would rather see a child smacked on the butt than see a parent give in and buy whatever it is that the kid wants to shut him/her up. That just reinforces the idea that a tantrum will get them what they want.  Maybe if more young ones were made to "Toe the mark", they wouldn't feel that they can act any way they want when they are older.

 

[RoseRed]

I for one do not give in and buy a toy or candy or whatever just to shut her up.  If she misbehaves, she loses a treat, whether it be watching Barney or Wizard of Oz or going to the playground.  She needs to learn that one has to earn privileges, not throw a fit to get them and that there will be a consequence for bad behavior.

 

[musicmaker57]

I don't care if you spank or discipline your child n public as long as it doesn't cry or wale or otherwise disturb or distra t me. What I really can't stand is pwopke who let their kids go on like that in public. Take them to the car and then beat them!

 

[wyldanjel]

CCsugarcane on 2:01 pm on Feb. 19, 2002[br]People who don't have kids don't always understand what its like to be in the store and have a shopping cart half full and then have a child decide they want to throw a fit for some cookies.  Then when you tell them no they only get louder and start a blood curtling scream.  At that point I haven't even touch my child but when I do give a swat on the butt and tell them to knock that noise off majority of the time it stops.  Like I've said in the past a look doesn't work on my kids at the ages of 2 and 3.  They just think I'm making faces and laugh.  As far as spending quality time with my children.  Thats all they get from me.  My life revolves around them.  From 5 - 8 every evening an Every weekend I'm with them doing stuff with them.  

Even though my children are 8 and 1 neither of them has thrown a fit in the store for anything.  Consistency is the main thing when it comes to discipline.  And if they are throwing a fit to get something then it seems obvious to me that at some point someone has given into them.   They don't come ingrained with the knowledge that a fit will get them what they want!

 

[Teddy Bear]

wyldanjel,
Check back with us in a few years and see if you can still say 'neither of them has thrown a fit in a store for anything.'  My firstborn was a perfectly behaved child and I took total credit.  Three years later, I followed the same guidelines and had a child who had a mind of his own!  It happens and it's not our fault.  How we deal with it is what makes a difference.  Good luck.