Grossly Overweight Spouses

[RabbitLady]

I know I will "get flack" for this conversation, but I would like to hear from other spouses who are frustrated and tired of their grossly overweight spouses not taking the effort to lose weight. My spouse should have the gastrick bypass surgery because he is over 150 pounds overweight...but all I hear is "that there are so many side effects from this operation...yet he can barely walk!! He doesn't diet and prefers to be constantly tired all the time. He's been huge, for over 10 years now!!! Even my older children are embarassed at times to be with their dad.

(No, I'm not this "pixie-thin" wife, and I know I married my husband "for better or worse", but his weight problem has brought many problems to our marriage.)

~Help

 

[Dymphna]

If you and the kids are embarassed to be seen with him, he has every right to feel unloved. Why should he care if he's tired or feels bad, nobody really cares about him anyway.

If it's a matter of he's risking heart disease, stroke, diabetes and a host of other illnesses which will kill him and leave you without the love of your life and leave the kids without a father that they love and will miss, maybe already miss spending time with because he cannot get around much, maybe that's worth living for.

I'm not saying that you don't love him and really want what's best for him but you sound more embarassed and ashamed of him. If that's how it sounds to me, a total stranger, imagine how it sounds to him. Maybe if you change your attitude, it'll help him change his. Maybe he can avoid the risky surgery he's afraid of and learn to change his habits if he felt that you love him no matter how he looks and you are only concerned with keeping him around for the long haul.

 

[Oz]

I'm not sure what kind of comraderie you were looking for, but here's a suggestion. Maybe if you changed your diet, shopped for healthier items, and cooked smaller portions, he would reap the benefits of your committment to changing your lifestyle. Sure, I'd love a second plate of spaghetti, but if I already had a serving size, then I'll just have to fill up on salad and vegetables or some lowfat popcorn later.

Sorry, I'm out of bacon and eggs, but here's a bowl of Total. If he has an extra value meal for lunch every day, overlook that in the beginning. Forget the Oreo's and have fresh, washed fruit in a bowl on the counter, ready to go. No chips or Dorito's, but have microwave popcorn in that spot. (Read the label on the popcorn before you buy it - some of that can be wicked too!)

Portion control (just don't cook as much) can have an impact on his weight. Maybe, if he sees a slight reduction without realizing the changes you have made, he'll be motivated to try harder. Point out the reduction in your own weight that these subtle changes have made, as motivation to him.

Forget the soda's and buy water. Get a Brita pitcher for the fridge. That way, chilled water is always ready to go. Drink water instead of something with sugar in it. If he drinks alcohol, it might be tougher to find a way to scale back on that without him being committed to losing weight. (Alcohol=sugar!) Water will also curb your appetite.

Being a disciplined person is very difficult. Most people are not willing to do that until they have a major event to wake them up.

You don't want to turn into his mommy, because that will backfire on you. Just make some more transparent changes and maybe the results will bring about more change and improvement, and become motivation for bigger changes in the future.

He didn't gain 150 pounds in a year or two, so losing it should be a long-term project and not a crash diet. If he needs to lose 100 pounds a year from now, and 2 years from now he's trying to get that last 50 off, then you will have succeeded, he won't be as tired, and the likelyhood of being a younger widow will be greatly reduced!

 

[vraiblonde]

RabbitLady, it's not about him being unattractive - it's about him dying of a heart attack and leaving you a widow. I used to laugh at women who monitored their husbands' diet like some little martinet - "You can't have that!" "Don't you eat that!" Now Larry is carrying 30 extra lbs. and I live in fear that he's going to keel over. We have our retirement plans in place and it would really screw us up if he doesn't take care of his health.

Would he consider counseling? A happy, productive person doesn't just gain 150 lbs. - that's another whole human! Obviously there's something else going on that would make him do this.

I wish you good luck and hope everything works out for you!

 

[Otter]

Originally posted by Oz
I'm not sure what kind of comraderie you were looking for, but here's a suggestion. Maybe if you changed your diet,

Lot of truth to that advice, I've lost 20 lbs since Catt went on her diet just because of little changes like more fruit, eatting better foods and such.

 

[Kyle]

I got rid of half the extra I was carrying by just eliminating, then limiting, the trash food. (Ice Cream, Cake, candy chips, extra sugar and less fast food)

Best of luck to both of you.

 

[Kizzy]

I publicly announced that I started the Atkins diet in February 2003 at 228 pounds. Ok, maybe I initially lied and said 223, I cannot remember. I know my official weight was 228 at the doctor’s office and I may have lost a few pounds before Atkins doing a low fat diet. I stepped on the scale today and I weight 170. That is 58 pounds in 23 weeks. This isn’t the first time I have lost a large amount of weight. After the birth of my 1st child, I walked out of the hospital weighing 242 and managed to get myself down to 170 before finding out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Before I got married, I was officially engaged at 233 pounds and on my wedding day, I was 118 pounds. The weight came off doing the Atkins diet and I was tired lugging all that weight around. Now, I am not hungry and in fact, I eat more now than I ever have in years of dieting on other diets. There are all types of books out on different diets, but I have had the best luck on Atkins and the Schwarzbein diet. This is going to be a change of lifestyle and you must be supportive and even change your eating habits for him to succeed. I know 4 people who have gotten the gastric bypass surgery, both lost a significant amount of weight, but I understand your husband’s apprehension with the surgery. It is risky and it doesn’t work for everyone. In fact, of the 4 people I know, one of them is larger now than she was before the surgery. But I think the benefits outweigh the risk involved. If he keeps up this weight, it will become harder and harder on his body.

If I can drop weight, anyone can. Now that my eating habits have changed, so have the eating habits of my entire family. I don’t have cookies and chips in the house all the time. The kids eat healthier and I cook pretty much what I eat and add a side dish for them.

Good luck, and if your hubby needs support, get him on this forum. We will support him.

 

[Kain99]

Originally posted by cmcdanal
If you and the kids are embarassed to be seen with him, he has every right to feel unloved. Why should he care if he's tired or feels bad, nobody really cares about him anyway.

I'm not saying that you don't love him and really want what's best for him but you sound more embarassed and ashamed of him. If that's how it sounds to me, a total stranger, imagine how it sounds to him. Maybe if you change your attitude, it'll help him change his.

I agree with cmcdanal. I feel so sorry for your husband. Don't you love him?

Sometimes, excess weight is a form of self punishment, just like alcoholism only harder to hide. Don't you realize that he is judged every waking moment of his life? The very same people who go home and down a six pack every night look at him with contempt and disdain.

You are his wife..... Fearing his death is one thing, publically humiliating him on this forum is another.

You should look into counseling or maybe a divorce. I am certain that there is a woman out there who will love your husband beyond what you are capable.

 

[Otter]

Geez, she came out here for advice...Would she really set herself up for forum abuse if she didn't care?? The other side of the coin is that she may be at her wits end worrying bout him and is looking for opinions on helping him because what she may have tried is not working. Why over-analyze???

And as an aside, IM4 has done wonderful with her diet, she's looking great..(but so is Catt..)

 

[Kizzy]

Kain,

If she didn't love him, she would not push so hard to get him to drop the weight nor would she be searching for support in dealing with the problem. She would have left within the last 10 years at some point. I have struggled all my life with my weight and never once did I feel unloved. Now if she posted naked pictures of him or even pictures in general, than she would be publicly humiliating him.

Like OZ and I have said before, in order for him to loose, he is going to have to change his eating habits. And the best way to do that is to change everyone else's eating habit in the house. My stepmother has been hard on my father. He is about 100+ pounds overweight, but she wants him to be around for years and that means being healthy and not overweight. No harm in that. My sister is 5’3” and about 350 pounds. I’ve been hard on her, just like rabbit ladies hubby, my sister can barely walk and breath at the same time. It is so bad, that she has been hospitalized for her lack of oxygen. It isn’t an easy feat by all means, and maybe her hubby wants to get the weight off, but like so many people, they don’t know where to start.

 

[Ken King]

Originally posted by Kain99
I agree with cmcdanal. I feel so sorry for your husband. Don't you love him?

Sometimes, excess weight is a form of self punishment, just like alcoholism only harder to hide. Don't you realize that he is judged every waking moment of his life? The very same people who go home and down a six pack every night look at him with contempt and disdain.

You are his wife..... Fearing his death is one thing, publically humiliating him on this forum is another.

You should look into counseling or maybe a divorce. I am certain that there is a woman out there who will love your husband beyond what you are capable.

Why feel sorry for a person willing to risk their life due to laziness and apparent gluttony? Doesn’t he love her and his family enough to get healthier and stay around for awhile?

IM4,

What diet were you on when you went from 233 to 118, was that an error or was it a really long engagement?

 

[Kizzy]

Thanks otter.

Catt looks fantastic. Catt is doing weight watchers. A couple of people have been very successful with weight watchers.

Ken,

Nope, not a typo, I was a big girl. I started a program, very much like Atkins, in October, by August I had dropped the weight off. I was only 20 at the time and it came off much easier than it is now in my mid 30’s. But then again, I went to aerobics 3-4 times a week back then.

 

[Kain99]

Originally posted by IM4Change
Kain,

If she didn't love him, she would not push so hard to get him to drop the weight nor would she be searching for support in dealing with the problem. She would have left within the last 10 years at some point. I have struggled all my life with my weight and never once did I feel unloved. Now if she posted naked pictures of him or even pictures in general, than she would be publicly humiliating him.

Had RL said the first thing about love or his health I'd consider her a different type of human being. She is embarrassed as are her children.

Let me suggest that roles be reversed here. Imagine....Your husband wrote in describing how fat you are and how embarrassed he was. As a remedy he invites you to join the forums so the people there can help you take off the weight. You see his post. .....

Humiliated?

Why feel sorry for a person willing to risk their life due to laziness and apparent gluttony? Doesn’t he love her and his family enough to get healthier and stay around for awhile?

This is how she's looking at the situation. Horrible mistake. His weight is not a result of a lack of love for her or the children. It is about a lack of love for himself. She's going through pain and so is he. Fat is not something he's doing to her. She's failing to see the forest for the trees.

As a side note: Fat is not always a result of laziness and gluttony. But I'm sure you'll find some law to post that will prove otherwise.

 

[Kizzy]

See, I just don’t see it the way you do Kain. Sometimes, the motivation to loose comes from those around us or because of health issues. It is easier to cope when you have support, whether it is to feel better about yourself or to get your body in better shape to avoid or ward off health problems. If he can barely walk, he has a health problem.

My hubby never said “you’re fat,” but he didn’t need to. I know that it is why he is friskier now and groping me all the time than he was say 6 months ago.

 

[vraiblonde]

I get bored with people who think you shouldn't be embarrassed when your husband or parent is 100+ lbs overweight. Of course you're embarrassed - they look bad and they're not the person you married anymore. If it's your parent, the other kids tease you and make you even more miserable. It's hard not to resent that person for impacting your life like that.

But Kain is correct in one point - that an overeater is very similar to an alcoholic, just a different drug. People who have other issues tend to turn to drugs, alcohol or food to dull the pain. If you're 20 or 30 lbs overweight, that's one thing. But when you gain over 100 lbs, now you're trying to kill yourself.

Food-o-holics, like alcoholics, can control their behavior and their addictions. They just have to want to do it and they must get the help they need in order to be successful. The problem with this is that the more involved they get with their addictions, the lower their self-esteem goes, which makes them eat or drink even more. Then they alienate those around them and the problem just becomes worse.

Rabbit, get tough with him. Tell him he's just not allowed to kill himself right in front of you and the kids. MAKE him get counseling. He'll thank you for it later. Gastric bypass is a crock - behavior modification is the key.

 

[Katie]

I opened up this post and wanted to cry. Some of the people know on the board that I have lost quite a bit of weight, and remember how much it hurt when I was much heavier then I am now. The tauntings from the men, the stares, my own family making comments and saying to me to just diet. Even one date that I went on the guy took one look at me and left. He called my cell phone and told me that if I lost 200 lbs he might go out with me. I was upfront with him and told him I had a lot of weight to lose. I used to have people stare at me and just gawk. I tried to have a tough exterior towards it all, but it still hurt.

It is not that easy to just diet. You need to have a lifestlye change and want it. Gastric Bypass is not the answer. There as more risk then are publicied. What is wrong with working hard and modifying your life style?

He should join something like Weight Watchers, I have lost 50 yes 50 lbs with weight watchers, and I had lost more with modifiying my behavior alone. I still need to lose some more, but heck, I have lost this much why not keep working on it.

Sorry if I am getting off topic but this really hurts my feels that you can talk about your hubby like that. Why don't you help him.
Cook healthy, there are lots of recipe books out there. Eat more vegatables. Cut out the refined simple sugars.

 

[Kizzy]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Gastric bypass is a crock - behavior modification is the key.

I really worry about this procedure. It hasn't been around long enough, and I wonder if it affects on a person’s life expectancy. Only 1 out of the 4 people I know who had it done had it for a health reason, which were high blood pressure and a heart valve problem. The doctor felt a quick fix in dropping the weight was the answer. Afterwards, she had a stomach the size of a change purse, but she would eat M&M's all the time. After nearly a year, she started to put the weight back on, and she is having problems with her blood pressure again. The heart valve problem corrected itself, which would have happened without the surgery. You MUST be 100 pounds over weight to qualify for the surgery or have some health problem. Since he is only 50 pounds from not qualifying, I’d venture to say a well-structured diet is the answer.

Rabbit, get tough with him. Tell him he's just not allowed to kill himself right in front of you and the kids. MAKE him get counseling. He'll thank you for it later.

You are so right here. My “tough” came directly from a doctor. He was down right nasty to me and that was more embarrassing to me than anything a loved one could have said. He was a stranger and I felt he had no right. I have been able to enjoy my kids much more than ever before, I feel better than I have in a long time, so I have totally forgiven him now.

 

[vraiblonde]

Why don't you help him.

Katie, she's probably been doing just that for 10 years. If he won't help himself, what's she supposed to do? Just sit back and be compassionate while he eats himself to death? As IM pointed out, if she didn't care about him, she'd have divorced him long ago. She's stuck it out this long so she obviously cares.

Cook healthy, there are lots of recipe books out there. Eat more vegatables. Cut out the refined simple sugars.

Unless she's going to follow him around all day, it's impossible for her to monitor what he eats. And even if she could, short of beating him up she's not going to be able to get him away from anything he really wants to eat.

You need to have a lifestlye change and want it.

That's exactly right - YOU wanted it and YOU got it. Your motivation came from within - you went from some guy telling you to lose 200 lbs to riding 340 miles on your bike! (You're awesome, by the way! ) Rabbit's trying to figure out how to get her husband to want it, too.

 

[Kizzy]

The tauntings from the men, the stares, my own family making comments and saying to me to just diet.

How about NOT holding the door for you when you walk into a store. I have noticed in the past 2 weeks that men will now hold the door for me. Was I unfricken invisible before? That is a crappy feeling to have people shut the door in your face, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

Katie,

You look fantastic and your 340 miles on your bike shows you are serious about this.

 

[Kizzy]

BTW, mainman

You are awesome. 8 1/2 months and 70 lbs. Keep up the great work!

It is so easy to gain the weight and much harder to get it off. I will admit that pictures of various family trips would be taken and if I got a hold of a fat picture of me, I tore it up. I do have 1 picture stashed in the house to be dug up after I get all the weight off.