Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.