Here is what we learned this week:

[vraiblonde]

It was a HUGE mistake for us to take our kid straight from high school to a big city college. We should have had her do a year at a smaller college closer to home, then see how it went from there before we just tossed her into the pit.

Our oldest daughter is back home after failing another class. Her advisor was trying to get us to let her stay but no. I'd rather she be in an environment where she can succeed, even if it's community college or UMD or wherever.

The demands of a highly competitive school, plus living on her own for the first time, plus the distraction of NYC was a recipe for disaster. I blame myself for letting my pride get in the way of my good sense.

So if this helps anyone from making the same mistake I did, I will consider that well worth the cost of her first year tuition.

 

[jazz lady]

I took 2 yrs at the comm college of so MD and Jazz only has to fix some of my sentences now she will be fine wait and see I can totally see where she was distracted love appy

Breathe, appy, breathe...

 

[Kizzy]

Sorry to hear that, it happens often, and I wouldn't stress over it, nor should she. She shouldn't let this hold her back from getting enrolled into a local community college as soon as possible. Big colleges are not easy, and you really shouldn't blame yourself. My sister's best friend came home from a big university after her 1st semester for the same reasons. I expressed my opinion to her and my sister. My sister decided to take my advice and enroll in a local college and Courtney wanted to go away. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you say, they have to find out on their own. At least this way, she will not think you nor Larry held her back.

 

[PrepH4U]

It was a HUGE mistake for us to take our kid straight from high school to a big city college. We should have had her do a year at a smaller college closer to home, then see how it went from there before we just tossed her into the pit.

Our oldest daughter is back home after failing another class. Her advisor was trying to get us to let her stay but no. I'd rather she be in an environment where she can succeed, even if it's community college or UMD or wherever.

The demands of a highly competitive school, plus living on her own for the first time, plus the distraction of NYC was a recipe for disaster. I blame myself for letting my pride get in the way of my good sense.

So if this helps anyone from making the same mistake I did, I will consider that well worth the cost of her first year tuition.

In a rush to try and be independent a lot of kids find that moving away from the home safety net. Coupled with the self disipline needed for class requirements it is a lot harder than they ever envisioned. Nothing wrong with going to a local school and living in an apartment closer to home. It sure makes it a lot easier for the parents to help out if needed. I feel you are making the right decision for now. I bet she actually will appreciate the move back even though she will not voice it to you immediately. Mine wanted to move to NYC right out of high school, I dragged my feet with all the leg work req'd. Testing her committment to see if she would take the responsibility of all involved. She did not and I escaped that senario by the skin of my teeth!

 

[Agee]

Big colleges are not easy, and you really shouldn't blame yourself.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you say, they have to find out on their own. At least this way, she will not think you nor Larry held her back.

Good points Kizzy!

I think its fantistic your daughter has solid parental guidance, regardless of a side tracked decision.

I didn't have that when it was time to make the college decision. My early college experience suffered because of it. I persevered, graduated, and wouldn't trade the learning experience.

Admire your honesty!

 

[Tonio]

I didn't have that when it was time to make the college decision. My early college experience suffered because of it. I persevered, graduated, and wouldn't trade the learning experience.

That sounds somewhat like my early college experience. At that age I was shy and private and reclusive. Worst possible personality to put in the middle of a huge all-male dorm at a big-city college. But like Airgasm, I survived and graduated.

 

[Larry Gude]

I can't reiterate what Vrai is saying...

...strongly enough.

Our confidence in the kid and the excitement at being accepted to her dream school, the big city, all of it. We just blew past the pause button. Not once did we say "hey, if this is plan A, what's is B? Let's at least discuss an alternative before we leap."

This is my fault more than Vrai because she IS Ms. Plan B and I just led the parade right over the cliff. "Come on! This is great! Weeeee!"

Now, it would have been very difficult to even discuss her NOT going last fall let alone actually doing something different but therein lies the job. We didn't do it then. We were to busy being proud cheerleaders instead of being parents.

So, we got one hurting kid who isn't really interested at the moment in recogizing that we are part of this as well.

It would have been SO much better and easier to fight this battle before it began.

 

[bresamil]

Dear Vrai and Larry
It was not a mistake. It was a rewarding learning experience for all three of you - but particularly your daughter. She tried and maybe overreached a bit - more due to the distractions you mentioned than anything else. The important thing is she tried. No wondering what ifs and feeling stifled. Now she realizes that one of the best ways to achieve is with a strong support structure and proper priorities. I'm sure after a year or two closer to home, she'll be ready to head out on her own again.

 

[Pete]

What a great example of concequence she got early so it makes an impression Good on you two for following through and doing what you must do and not whimping out and just writing another check and passing on a hollow threat.

 

[mrweb]

Similar thing happened to my eldest. She wanted to leave SOMD in the worst way and go to the big city. Well some things happened and she found out that it is pretty harsh out there. After a year of letting it all sink in, she now is back in the local college, and ready to transfer to UMUC so she can continue to stay closer to home. Her career plans changed, found a BF who lives not too far away, and is looking to graduate from UMUC and build a life with the BF close to her parents. Give it time to let the hurting fade and I bet you'll find she learned from the experience and, because of it, did a lot of growing up. I've found that those first two or so years out of high school are about as hard to deal with (as a parent) as the middle-school years were. I also found that I did a lot of growing up as a parent while my daughter was going through those years. It's all worth it, trust me. Don't blame yourself, her, or anybody. Run with what you have and grow together.

 

[sleuth]

I'm confused. What ever happened to the buckle-down, get yer head outta yer azz, Yer payin' yer own way if you fail classes and i'll kill ya approach?

That's the treatment I got after a rough freshman year. Worked for me. Plus it became a matter of pride. I wasn't gonna let it beat me.

I also knew that even though I wanted to stay close to home, I didn't want to be stuck there.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

See, she really does just want her mommy to coddle her some more.

Seriously, Vrai...kids go away to college and succeed; it's not far fetched for one to do so. In all honesty, she showed a pattern of behavioral problems long before failing a class, and I believe this is only the beginning for you.

 

[kwillia]

See, she really does just want her mommy to coddle her some more.

Seriously, Vrai...kids go away to college and succeed; it's not far fetched for one to do so. In all honesty, she showed a pattern of behavioral problems long before failing a class, and I believe this is only the beginning for you.

Actually, Chasey... you have a good point. Vrai, I'm thinking this is the same daughter you had mentioned "cleaning up behind" several times before, even for things such as running her school books to school because she didn't think about them until to late, etc. If it is the same kid, it makes sense pulling her back home if you intend to keep prodding her along and assisting her with her responsibilities into adulthood. There are some kids that need continuous parenting well into adulthood. Perhaps this is how she functions best.

 

[virgovictoria]

I took 2 yrs at the comm college of so MD and Jazz only has to fix some of my sentences now she will be fine wait and see I can totally see where she was distracted love appy

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to appyday again.

 

[Larry Gude]

Clarification...

I'm confused. What ever happened to the buckle-down, get yer head outta yer azz, Yer payin' yer own way if you fail classes and i'll kill ya approach?

That's the treatment I got after a rough freshman year. Worked for me. Plus it became a matter of pride. I wasn't gonna let it beat me.

I also knew that even though I wanted to stay close to home, I didn't want to be stuck there.

Freshman year is over. She wanted to stay in the city and take classes this summer which one parent thought was a bad idea to begin with. The dumb parent said "It'll be great! She'll get some more credits taken care of, what's she gonna do at home, etc..."

The problem was that interim she had all B's and the decision was based partially on that plus my incessant rose colored glasses. So, Summer semester started Monday. Spring grades came out Monday afternoon.

She was to get all C's or better or come home.

It wasn't an issue of buckling down and finishing. She finished. She just didn't buckle down enough.

 

[sleuth]

Freshman year is over. She wanted to stay in the city and take classes this summer which one parent thought was a bad idea to begin with. The dumb parent said "It'll be great! She'll get some more credits taken care of, what's she gonna do at home, etc..."

The problem was that interim she had all B's and the decision was based partially on that plus my incessant rose colored glasses. So, Summer semester started Monday. Spring grades came out Monday afternoon.

She was to get all C's or better or come home.

It wasn't an issue of buckling down and finishing. She finished. She just didn't buckle down enough.

What I'm saying is... instead of "all C's or better or come home",

how about "all C's or better or you pay your own way until you do better".

Ultimately, she'll make the decision as to whether she wants to come home - either by deciding she doesn't want to pay her own way, or deciding she needs to work harder so you'll help her out AFTER she proves herself. Either way, she'd be footing the bill next semester.

Your way - it's you and Vrai pulling her back home. My way, it's the daughter's decision.

You know as well as anyone that people tend to take more pride in their product when they're paying for it themselves. You'd hate to nix her opportunity to get an education from a world-class university just because she's having trouble getting her footing. All B's at interim is pretty darn good.

Just my $0.02, but I always disclaim any parenting advice from me by saying I have no kids, though I think it's what I would do if I had them.

 

[carolinagirl]

When my parents sent me to college, I had no idea what to expect. My parents didn't go to college so I didn't hear experiences and so forth about college life. My sister and I rarely went anywhere without our parents and I really didn't want to go to college and leave my mommy. My freshamn year I failed horribly. Fortunately for me, freshman cannot flunk out. Anyway, my dad and mom picked me up that summer and took me home. They didn't say too much about school, but my dad said, "I have a job lined up for you this summer." I think great, I'll settle in and work, get my own place and not go back to school. The job was working in a mill 3rd shift. I was so miserable, I couldn't wait to go back to school after the second week. After that summer, I never went back home, I took summer classes and worked near the college paying for some of my school and getting off campus housing with a friend. It was a tough lesson in growing up and one I may have to use on my oldest daughter.

 

[Larry Gude]

I hear you...

What I'm saying is... instead of "all C's or better or come home",

how about "all C's or better or you pay your own way until you do better".

Ultimately, she'll make the decision as to whether she wants to come home - either by deciding she doesn't want to pay her own way, or deciding she needs to work harder so you'll help her out AFTER she proves herself. Either way, she'd be footing the bill next semester.

Your way - it's you and Vrai pulling her back home. My way, it's the daughter's decision.

...but at $40k per year we were not willing for her to take on that much debt. We're doing 1/2 and the other half is up to her to get scholarships and loans for.

She had a dog in the race. She chose, as you say, to, in effect, come home.

B's at interim. F at final. You do the math.

 

[Otter]

When my parents sent me to college, I had no idea what to expect. My parents didn't go to college so I didn't hear experiences and so forth about college life. My sister and I rarely went anywhere without our parents and I really didn't want to go to college and leave my mommy. My freshamn year I failed horribly. Fortunately for me, freshman cannot flunk out. Anyway, my dad and mom picked me up that summer and took me home. They didn't say too much about school, but my dad said, "I have a job lined up for you this summer." I think great, I'll settle in and work, get my own place and not go back to school. The job was working in a mill 3rd shift. I was so miserable, I couldn't wait to go back to school after the second week. After that summer, I never went back home, I took summer classes and worked near the college paying for some of my school and getting off campus housing with a friend. It was a tough lesson in growing up and one I may have to use on my oldest daughter.

Great post, smart daddy..

 

[carolinagirl]

...but at $40k per year we were not willing for her to take on that much debt. We're doing 1/2 and the other half is up to her to get scholarships and loans for.

She had a dog in the race. She chose, as you say, to, in effect, come home.

B's at interim. F at final. You do the math.

2+2 equals 4 everytime. Sounds like she needed to come home for now.