How to explain to my kids?

[shallowater]

What do you think is the best way to explain to your kids (7 & 12) that you and your husband are getting a divorce? This online article Explaining Divorce to your Kids seemed not enough. I need more ideas and suggestions specially from those who have tried it. Thanks.

 

[Zyg]

What do you think is the best way to explain to your kids (7 & 12) that you and your husband are getting a divorce? This online article Explaining Divorce to your Kids seemed not enough. I need more ideas and suggestions specially from those who have tried it. Thanks.

As a child of divorce (my parents split when I was 9 or 10), the best thing you can do is be honest with them. Not to the point of all the nitty-gritty details but let them know that first and foremost, it's not their fault. Second that both you and your husband love them unconditionally and that even though you are not living in the same house, you and your husband are committed to having a peaceful relationship (and do it.) My parents would fight in front of me and my siblings, call eachother names, and use us kids as bargaining chips to get something from the other. Lastly, I would suggest counciling for the whole family. This gives the kids an opportunity to "vent" to an outside party all the fears, emotions, and worries that they might not want to share with you or your husband. I know I always felt like I didn't want to make mom cry anymore with all the emotions I was dealing with by the divorce because she was sad enough already. Just be honest and keep your kids up to date on what will happen next. The kids will worry less if they know more. Hope things work out for everyone.

 

[Larry Gude]

They will totally...

What do you think is the best way to explain to your kids (7 & 12) that you and your husband are getting a divorce? This online article Explaining Divorce to your Kids seemed not enough. I need more ideas and suggestions specially from those who have tried it. Thanks.

...take your cue as to how to react. If you put it to them then they will be

If you put it to them matter of fact, here's what's going on and reassure them that everything will be fine, then that is how they will take it.

Someone very wise did it the second way and I thought that was simple, to the point and the best way to go about it.

Now, if you've reached divorce, and you can tell the kids it is for the best and it will fine be, then make it so. I repeat; then make it so.

 

[High EGT]

What do you think is the best way to explain to your kids (7 & 12) that you and your husband are getting a divorce? This online article Explaining Divorce to your Kids seemed not enough. I need more ideas and suggestions specially from those who have tried it. Thanks.

I,m sure you'll gets lots of advise but be sure of one issue and that the children understand that the reasons for the divorce have nothing to do with them. Sounds simple but you would be surprised how often kids regarded themselves as one of the key reasons and undertand too that their likely not going to confess thoughts of guilt right up front to you so you may have to draw it out of them to insure they truely understand. Good Luck....

 

[Nickel]

As a child of divorce (my parents split when I was 9 or 10), the best thing you can do is be honest with them. Not to the point of all the nitty-gritty details but let them know that first and foremost, it's not their fault. Second that both you and your husband love them unconditionally and that even though you are not living in the same house, you and your husband are committed to having a peaceful relationship (and do it.)

I agree with all of this...the counseling not so much. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my brother was 8. My mom sat us down and explained it to us, and my dad did the same, both on separate terms. It helped that we were hearing the same thing from both parents separately....it made it sound more true. My parents never fought in front of us. Ever. It came as a bit of a shock that they were getting divorced (because we never saw them argue), but it's nice that I can look back on my childhood and it's not tainted by argument after argument. Even after the divorce, arguments didn't involve us and didn't happen around us. We certainly didn't need counseling, because our parents didn't completely shut down and cry all the time. They stayed strong, and we had a good support system within our extended family. Kids go through divorce all the time, so assuming you handle it with a little tact, they should be fine.

 

[Zyg]

I agree with all of this...the counseling not so much. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my brother was 8. My mom sat us down and explained it to us, and my dad did the same, both on separate terms. It helped that we were hearing the same thing from both parents separately....it made it sound more true. My parents never fought in front of us. Ever. It came as a bit of a shock that they were getting divorced (because we never saw them argue), but it's nice that I can look back on my childhood and it's not tainted by argument after argument. Even after the divorce, arguments didn't involve us and didn't happen around us. We certainly didn't need counseling, because our parents didn't completely shut down and cry all the time. They stayed strong, and we had a good support system within our extended family. Kids go through divorce all the time, so assuming you handle it with a little tact, they should be fine.

The counciling was to learn how to work as a family after the divorce. My mom was strong but she also was a stay at home mom who never worked and didn't know how she'd support 3 kids because she knew my dad wouldn't be diligent with child support. She was scared.

 

[vraiblonde]

Now, if you've reached divorce, and you can tell the kids it is for the best and it will fine be, then make it so. I repeat; then make it so.

Let's repeat this once more just for good measure.

Mama, this is YOUR divorce. They're not getting divorced, so they should not have to deal with drama and the reasons why you've decided to break up their home. They don't get any choice or say-so in the matter.

That said, children go though divorce all the time and it doesn't always have to be some traumatic thing. If you're calm and matter of fact, they will be calm and matter of fact. They will be sad and scared, and it's your job to reassure them and be strong.

"Daddy and I have decided to live in separate houses. You've probably noticed that we don't get along very well and it's creating an unpleasant atmosphere, so we think it will be better for everyone if we don't live together."

 

[vraiblonde]

you and your husband are committed to having a peaceful relationship (and do it.)

Let's repeat this, too, to make sure it doesn't get lost.

 

[Cowgirl]

Let's repeat this, too, to make sure it doesn't get lost.

Don't ever make your kids feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent...and don't say bad things about the other parent in front of your kids ever ever ever.

 

[Mrgaritavill]

Don't ever make your kids feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the other parent.

I was 9 and my brother 5 when my parents divorced. I think they were smart about approaching us each separately to discuss the divorce so that they could explain it differently in ways we would both understand. Divorce is so prevalent in our society that I think most kids know that sometimes marriages dont work out and that the decision to split up has nothing to do with the children. My brother and I are both very grateful that our parents got divorced. We grew up much happier and healthier in dual households than we would have if our parents had stayed together. I think the key is for both parents to listen to their children and take their feelings and wants into consideration. Luckily our parents never had a problem (or at least didnt let us see it) with one or both of us wanting to spend a "dad day" with mom, or vice versa.

 

[Larry Gude]

Let's clarify a bit...

: ...and don't say bad things about the other parent in front of your kids ever ever ever.

Bad mouth, no, OK, but they do need to know what's going on to some extent.

We don't want kids to have the constant perception that everything is just peachy between you and ex yet, for some 'unknown' reason, you can't be a family and live together?

Kids are not stupid. They perceive and their perceptions need guidance.

You don't need to go into age inappropriate gory details, but a basic understanding that mommy and daddy don't agree on some important things and can't disagree in a way that lets them live together is good enough.

4 year olds don't need to be told anything. 8 and up are starting to need a little more understanding.

Just my opinion.

 

[Cowgirl]

Bad mouth, no, OK, but they do need to know what's going on to some extent.

We don't want kids to have the constant perception that everything is just peachy between you and ex yet, for some 'unknown' reason, you can't be a family and live together?

Kids are not stupid. They perceive and their perceptions need guidance.

You don't need to go into age inappropriate gory details, but a basic understanding that mommy and daddy don't agree on some important things and can't disagree in a way that lets them live together is good enough.

4 year olds don't need to be told anything. 8 and up are starting to need a little more understanding.

Just my opinion.

Sure...but instead of saying, "You're daddy is a whore and can't keep his tallywhacker in his pants," you could say something like, "Daddy's feelings for Mommy has changed so we are going to live in separate houses. :shrug: Or something to that extent.

 

[MDTerps]

When my ex and I divorced, I chose to sit my son down and tell him that we would be living else where. Everything else would stay the same, school friends, family... The reason was that dad and I didn't get along any more, although we still cared for each other it just wasn't working out between the two of us. That we felt it best to for him that we live apart so that he could grow up in a warm loving caring home. Not a home where his parents fought all the time. It had nothing to do with him or anything that he had done or didn't do.

My ex on the other hand decided to throw a big fit and call out son out to the room and tell that mommy was leaving and not going to live with them anymore. That I was breaking up our family. Meanwhile I'm sitting there just a over what my ex was tell him our son. After he left I explained it my way.


I think it would be best that the two of you sit and discuss what you will tell the the children. So that you can agree and won't end up fighting in front of them during this time. Then sit with the kids and explain what is going on, and that it's the two of you that don't get along well any more and feel it best to live apart. They don't need to know whos idea it was and if there are other reason behind it. There were other reasons behind my ex and I spliting up but at 6 years old I didn't feel my son needed to know those things. When he is older and understands better I will tell him, but only if he ask.

JMO

 

[Ehesef]

My parents hardly ever fought, but we were 15, 14 and 11 when they split up and we weren't stupid. When Daddy sleeps on the couch for 8 months, you know that everything isn't kosher. About 2 months before my dad moved out, he sat us down and told us that him and mom were going to be splitting up and he was going to be moving out. It wasn't our fault and blah blah blah. Since I know my dad and his behavior, I wasn't surprised. I was actually pretty pleased that the tension in the house would be gone. This part was handled fairly well and we were older, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

When he actually moved out, I was on my way home from a trip to Vermont. I called him in New York and talked to him about picking me up from school when the bus arrived. He didn't say a word about it, but he was packing at the time. When my mom picked me up to take me home, she told me that Dad had left and I walked into a house of crying family members. That sucked and I don't reccommend that course of action to anyone.

One thing I learned throughout the whole thing is this: If you have a son, make sure he understands that just because his dad is gone, he does not need to assume the "Man of the House" role. It was really draining for my brother (14 at the time) because he felt like he had to fill my dad's shoes.

 

[poster]

I think I would meet with the school counselor and ask advise.
The counselor (and their teacher's) should be aware of the changes anyway. They need to be on a look out for behavior/schoolastic changes and they may have advise on how to present this info as they already have a relationship with your kids.

 

[JPC sr]

Batman

What do you think is the best way to explain to your kids (7 & 12) that you and your husband are getting a divorce? This online article Explaining Divorce to your Kids seemed not enough. I need more ideas and suggestions specially from those who have tried it. Thanks.

I say you need to find a way not to get a divorce.

The divorce will ruin your family and everything thereafter will be inferior.

The idea that staying together for the children is the hight of virtue,

and it is a fraud from those that say otherwise.

 

[vraiblonde]

I say you need to find a way not to get a divorce.

The divorce will ruin your family and everything thereafter will be inferior.

The idea that staying together for the children is the hight of virtue,

and it is a fraud from those that say otherwise.

That's two intelligent things you've said today. You're on a roll

 

[Mike]

Looks like you have a lot of great advice here. My wife and I have been on the verge of divorce now for about 3 years. I detest the idea and bend over backwards to keep the peace. My kids (15 and 12) see it and I think they resent their mom for it.

I have a feeling it is time to stop saving for college and start saving for their psychiatrists.

 

[usagent]

I say you need to find a way not to get a divorce.

The divorce will ruin your family and everything thereafter will be inferior.

The idea that staying together for the children is the hight of virtue,

and it is a fraud from those that say otherwise.

I agree totally. Stay married. I dont care what your going through or how miserable you are. It's not about you. You will suffer more in the long run from divorce. Mother is another word for God on the lips of all children

 

[LusbyMom]

I agree totally. Stay married. I dont care what your going through or how miserable you are. It's not about you. You will suffer more in the long run from divorce. Mother is another word for God on the lips of all children

You say stay married. So if your spouse is cheating on you do you stay married? What about physical or mental abuse? What if you are fighting all the time? Where do you draw the line about staying married?