How To Grow A Spine??

[KWAK]

As I’ve mentioned before, my “ex” and I have been living apart for 2+ years now and I essentially spent most of those 2 years fighting for our marriage back. Well, a few months ago I decided to stop fighting for it, started re-building my life and decided that I was actually happier this way. I even started talking to a few different guys and enjoyed the “newness” of it. On our daughter’s birthday and 5 days surrounding it I was emotionally beaten up by him for not caring anymore and he told me he was done, to go ahead with the divorce, he couldn’t take it anymore – to which I replied okay, that I was tired of the arguing anyway and that I couldn’t trust him anymore. After those 5 or so days, he has started asking, almost begging, me to take him back. Told me he was only angry acting because he wanted to try and “scare me into doing the right thing”. He’s been sweet as pie ever since – but the problem is that I don’t want him back – and I never know when the devil is going to come back out! I have told him that we have too many issues to try and make things work – that if he went to a marriage counselor with me I’d consider it, but he’s not willing to do that.

So, since you can’t send me nasty karma anymore about what an idiot I am – help me grow a spine here! What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

 

[kom526]

He's done. If he is not willing to try (after 2 yrs and not taking a shot @ counseling) then follow through on your kick to the curb. Your child is looking at this "relationship" and may end up with screwy ideas later in life.

 

[donbarzini]

tell him to move on, ....he just doesn’t get it

You just did

 

[migtig]

It takes time for you to get your "spine" back. However, it seems you already know what's best for you - stick to your guns on it.

Honestly, he probably doesn't really even want to be back with you. He just doesn't like the fact that you aren't mooning over him anymore. Therefore he's trying to manipulate you and keep you under his thumb.

My personal suggestion is for you to find some affordable counseling and go ahead with that on your own - or even with your child. You need to work on your self-esteem and realize how valuable you are and how much you have to offer without him dragging you down. Also, a divorce is very much like a "death". You need to find a way to grieve over it and move forward with your life and realize that everything you feel is a normal reaction.

Good luck to you. I wish you lots of happiness.

 

[SoMDGirl42]

What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

Have him served with divorce papers. He should get it then!

 

[jenbengen]

As I’ve mentioned before, my “ex” and I have been living apart for 2+ years now and I essentially spent most of those 2 years fighting for our marriage back. Well, a few months ago I decided to stop fighting for it, started re-building my life and decided that I was actually happier this way. I even started talking to a few different guys and enjoyed the “newness” of it. On our daughter’s birthday and 5 days surrounding it I was emotionally beaten up by him for not caring anymore and he told me he was done, to go ahead with the divorce, he couldn’t take it anymore – to which I replied okay, that I was tired of the arguing anyway and that I couldn’t trust him anymore. After those 5 or so days, he has started asking, almost begging, me to take him back. Told me he was only angry acting because he wanted to try and “scare me into doing the right thing”. He’s been sweet as pie ever since – but the problem is that I don’t want him back – and I never know when the devil is going to come back out! I have told him that we have too many issues to try and make things work – that if he went to a marriage counselor with me I’d consider it, but he’s not willing to do that.

So, since you can’t send me nasty karma anymore about what an idiot I am – help me grow a spine here! What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

You just flat tell him that you put all that you can in the relationship and it is really over. Don't say "I'm sorry" or "I wish...", it'll just send him mixed signals. Straight and to the point works best for men. Especially if he is completely unwilling to see a counselor. Doesn't sound like a guy trying to make it work.

Be strong. Your child will respect you one day for staying rational and calm about it.

 

[jenbengen]

It takes time for you to get your "spine" back. However, it seems you already know what's best for you - stick to your guns on it.

Honestly, he probably doesn't really even want to be back with you. He just doesn't like the fact that you aren't mooning over him anymore. Therefore he's trying to manipulate you and keep you under his thumb.

My personal suggestion is for you to find some affordable counseling and go ahead with that on your own - or even with your child. You need to work on your self-esteem and realize how valuable you are and how much you have to offer without him dragging you down. Also, a divorce is very much like a "death". You need to find a way to grieve over it and move forward with your life and realize that everything you feel is a normal reaction.

Good luck to you. I wish you lots of happiness.

I definitely agree with still going to counseling for yourself. I did this once and it REALLY helped to get an unbiased viewpoint and somebody to make me more certain of myself. It's worth it. It'll also help with understanding how this affects your child more, too.

 

[yankee44]

You just flat tell him that you put all that you can in the relationship and it is really over. Don't say "I'm sorry" or "I wish...", it'll just send him mixed signals. Straight and to the point works best for men. Especially if he is completely unwilling to see a counselor. Doesn't sound like a guy trying to make it work.

Be strong. Your child will respect you one day for staying rational and calm about it.

Not trying to sound like an a$$ but as a man I'm telling you don't beat around the bush with any issue. We are not mind readers.

 

[huntr1]

As I’ve mentioned before, my “ex” and I have been living apart for 2+ years now and I essentially spent most of those 2 years fighting for our marriage back. Well, a few months ago I decided to stop fighting for it, started re-building my life and decided that I was actually happier this way. I even started talking to a few different guys and enjoyed the “newness” of it. On our daughter’s birthday and 5 days surrounding it I was emotionally beaten up by him for not caring anymore and he told me he was done, to go ahead with the divorce, he couldn’t take it anymore – to which I replied okay, that I was tired of the arguing anyway and that I couldn’t trust him anymore. After those 5 or so days, he has started asking, almost begging, me to take him back. Told me he was only angry acting because he wanted to try and “scare me into doing the right thing”. He’s been sweet as pie ever since – but the problem is that I don’t want him back – and I never know when the devil is going to come back out! I have told him that we have too many issues to try and make things work – that if he went to a marriage counselor with me I’d consider it, but he’s not willing to do that.

So, since you can’t send me nasty karma anymore about what an idiot I am – help me grow a spine here! What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

Serve him with the divorce papers.

 

[nobody really]

all good advice. i tried for three years to make my 14 year marriage work. It was called denial. I finally just told him. lots of crying from both of us. I went through counseling, but it was better in the end by not prolonging the inevitable. but he's still an #######.

 

[ItalianScallion]

– help me grow a spine here! What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your mind!
You have resolved not to take him back for fear that the devil will come back out of him, now stick to it! Men always want what they can't have. You became more attractive to him because you called his bluff. Move on and stop the emotional rehashing in your mind. Occupy your mind with other things and you'll be fine.

 

[rich70]

Well, I'm going through the same thing. So I know how you feel. Wait, you know how I feel as well. Move on, I'm going to.

 

[BrutalBlonde]

As I’ve mentioned before, my “ex” and I have been living apart for 2+ years now and I essentially spent most of those 2 years fighting for our marriage back. Well, a few months ago I decided to stop fighting for it, started re-building my life and decided that I was actually happier this way. I even started talking to a few different guys and enjoyed the “newness” of it. On our daughter’s birthday and 5 days surrounding it I was emotionally beaten up by him for not caring anymore and he told me he was done, to go ahead with the divorce, he couldn’t take it anymore – to which I replied okay, that I was tired of the arguing anyway and that I couldn’t trust him anymore. After those 5 or so days, he has started asking, almost begging, me to take him back. Told me he was only angry acting because he wanted to try and “scare me into doing the right thing”. He’s been sweet as pie ever since – but the problem is that I don’t want him back – and I never know when the devil is going to come back out! I have told him that we have too many issues to try and make things work – that if he went to a marriage counselor with me I’d consider it, but he’s not willing to do that.

So, since you can’t send me nasty karma anymore about what an idiot I am – help me grow a spine here! What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

All great advice.. I think mig is right on, he wants you fawning over him still. Don't do it. Get the divorce going and keep working on YOU.

 

[Kain99]

Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your mind!
You have resolved not to take him back for fear that the devil will come back out of him, now stick to it! Men always want what they can't have. You became more attractive to him because you called his bluff. Move on and stop the emotional rehashing in your mind. Occupy your mind with other things and you'll be fine.

Read above... Perfect advice!

 

[Pandora]

I have told him that we have too many issues to try and make things work – that if he went to a marriage counselor with me I’d consider it, but he’s not willing to do that.

That is the deal breaker. I don't support divorce at all but when one spouse isn't willing to pitch in towards helping things work, it leaves another to feel very depleted, unimportant and rejected. If you are apart now and you say you feel better without him, right there is your answer. But don't run off and get involved with somebody else anytime soon, because what if he comes back and says he'll do anything to make it work, including counseling? Where is your heart going to be? Somebody will get hurt and that isn't fair to anyone involved.

 

[Kain99]

That is the deal breaker. I don't support divorce at all but when one spouse isn't willing to pitch in towards helping things work, it leaves another to feel very depleted, unimportant and rejected. If you are apart now and you say you feel better without him, right there is your answer. But don't run off and get involved with somebody else anytime soon, because what if he comes back and says he'll do anything to make it work, including counseling? Where is your heart going to be? Somebody will get hurt and that isn't fair to anyone involved.

Oh the coveted "Deal Breaker!" You are absolutely right Pandora!

 

[BS Gal]

It takes time for you to get your "spine" back. However, it seems you already know what's best for you - stick to your guns on it.

Honestly, he probably doesn't really even want to be back with you. He just doesn't like the fact that you aren't mooning over him anymore. Therefore he's trying to manipulate you and keep you under his thumb.

My personal suggestion is for you to find some affordable counseling and go ahead with that on your own - or even with your child. You need to work on your self-esteem and realize how valuable you are and how much you have to offer without him dragging you down. Also, a divorce is very much like a "death". You need to find a way to grieve over it and move forward with your life and realize that everything you feel is a normal reaction.

Good luck to you. I wish you lots of happiness.

You are such a good person.

 

[wkndbeacher]

As I’ve mentioned before, my “ex” and I have been living apart for 2+ years now and I essentially spent most of those 2 years fighting for our marriage back. Well, a few months ago I decided to stop fighting for it, started re-building my life and decided that I was actually happier this way. I even started talking to a few different guys and enjoyed the “newness” of it. On our daughter’s birthday and 5 days surrounding it I was emotionally beaten up by him for not caring anymore and he told me he was done, to go ahead with the divorce, he couldn’t take it anymore – to which I replied okay, that I was tired of the arguing anyway and that I couldn’t trust him anymore. After those 5 or so days, he has started asking, almost begging, me to take him back. Told me he was only angry acting because he wanted to try and “scare me into doing the right thing”. He’s been sweet as pie ever since – but the problem is that I don’t want him back – and I never know when the devil is going to come back out! I have told him that we have too many issues to try and make things work – that if he went to a marriage counselor with me I’d consider it, but he’s not willing to do that.

So, since you can’t send me nasty karma anymore about what an idiot I am – help me grow a spine here! What’s the best way to tell him to move on, when he just doesn’t get it??

No counseling=not willing to try 100%

 

[migtig]

You are such a good person.

No, you are. When do I get to steal you away?

 

[Chain729]

That is the deal breaker. I don't support divorce at all but when one spouse isn't willing to pitch in towards helping things work, it leaves another to feel very depleted, unimportant and rejected. If you are apart now and you say you feel better without him, right there is your answer. But don't run off and get involved with somebody else anytime soon, because what if he comes back and says he'll do anything to make it work, including counseling? Where is your heart going to be? Somebody will get hurt and that isn't fair to anyone involved.

After 2 years I wouldn't wait anymore.

Want to let him know it's over? Send him a copy of a "home video" starring you and some other dude.