I am the mother of "that child"

[Bonehead]

Thank you all for your kind words - I honestly worried that someone would be critical, saying that I've overlooked a resource or am not trying hard enough or am a failure as a parent, or...

It sure seems to me that you looked into every resource available. God Bless You.

 

[black dog]

I admit it's all anecdotal (though some of it directly from the folks working in juvenile services) but I've heard Cheltenham referred to as "Future Repeat Offenders Academy" and "Future Criminals U".... When my youngest found himself in legal trouble a few years ago, his "parole counselor" made it pretty crystal clear that she wanted to help keep him out of Cheltenham at all costs.

I agree to a point, when my son attended Dent they took a class trip to Cheltenham, my son called it Juvie... It scared the crap out of him...
It was the best 6 dollar class trip ever.. money well spent..

 

[Lovely]

My oldest child had severe behavioral issues and would act out primarily at home. It was so bad that he actually put me in the hospital twice, the first time he was only 9 yrs old. When my oldest would start to act out My 2.5 year old would take my 1 yr old and lock themselves in the bedroom. That's how bad it was! I didn't get help until I pressed charges for assault & my children's father told the state to have him put in a treatment facility because I feared for the safety our other children. If they didn't we'd hold them responsible if he hurt the younger children. This was said in the court room & on the record, they had no choice.

 

[SamSpade]

You certainly have an extreme situation and I'm not sure why anyone would want to "shame" you for something that isn't your fault, and that you're trying to deal with. There should be sympathy, not condemnation. I like to reserve my condemnation for those whose children aren't mentally ill and only need a firm parental hand that they're not getting.

Making THAT determination doesn't always arrive at the truth - my kid doesn't "look" like he's mentally ill - most of the time, he just seems immature.

My son is a much milder version of this - but it's been trending worse over the past several years. I've mentioned his condition before and he was born with it.
Mixed with puberty, and it's beginning to get very, very difficult. He's starting to just refuse, and punishment of any kind is beginning not to bother him at all.

And I can say it DOES happen that no matter how much progress you make, there are always people in his life whom - over time - become convinced that YOU are the problem and not the child. Usually these are people who have never experienced a child with special needs like his - or worse, never had kids.

Some think he just doesn't get enough discipline - and I can tell you clearly that he almost never learns from the consequences of his actions. Try to think of a kid who continually pets a dog who bites him, or puts his hand on a hot stove - and after screaming - does it again (unlike a normal child who would almost certainly refuse to ever touch a dog or be near a stove).

Some will think you don't put enough time into them - until they watch you spend two or three hours a night with their homework, or hours on end teaching them to tie their shoes (and finally succeeding - after six years).

The people who are the MOST helpful are parents and persons who have a LOT of experience with such kids. I'm drawn to them like a magnet. They don't always have answers, but they know what you're going through. I can tell you they are some of the best parents, PERIOD.

 

[Roman]

I am so sorry that you, or anyone is going through this. No judgment here. I wish only the best for you, and for that little boy.

 

[Lovely]

Thinking about my journey down your road, I tried for 9 + years to get help & so many doctors just put a bandaid on it by prescribing " different medicines" each only helped for a few months because he'd become immune to it & it would stop working or it would have a drop off effect & he'd blow up at the slightest thing when the meds would wear off. Nothing helped long term until he got treatment & worked through his anger that still slips out occasionally at almost 30.. I found that medicine was only a temporary fix with the anger issues & didnt work until he got therapy in an inpatient basis for about a year.

Since he's on probation, have you tried talking to anybody at DJS? They can be really helpful, they know what type of help is out there.

Can you get a doctor to refer him to inpatient therapy? I know the problem can be finding a doctor. Have you tried Dr. Saleh? He is in Calvert?

 

[Lovely]

You can't abandon him, you'll end up in trouble. You can go talk to DJS. Does he have a probation officer? I spoke with the DJS supervisor back when I was having issues 17 years ago. Sadly, hearing your story tells me nothing has changed to help parents get help for our youth. Feel free to message/email me.

Don't let him hurt you or your other children. Be firm and let him know you love him but that you can't let him hurt you. If he hurts you & leaves marks call the police press charges for assault. That might be the only way to get him the help he needs. Please Verify that with DJS.
I went & talked to DJS & they told me that was the only way they could help me to get mine help/treatment facility was to press charges & go in front of a judge. Keep in mind Juvenile records are just that & they are sealed when they become an adult, better now than when he's 17 or 18 and charged as an adult.


Good luck

 

[Hannibal]

Wow. I cannot imagine dealing with this. As a father of three, I have one in particular who is a bit challenging but on a far less scale. And even with that, it can be extremely tiresome and disheartening. At least mine seems to limit his behavior to inside the house (as he's generally an angel outside). Point being, it's extremely challenging dealing with what is likely more normal than not so I cannot imagine how you feel.

I hope you find what you're looking for in terms of advice or sanity because I don't think I qualify well enough in either to offer you much. As was stated above, I'd have to imagine there are those who've dealt with similar experiences and that they can offer you some advice or at least some support. Are there website/forums or support groups for this type of thing? There seems to be one for any "thing" now a days so I'd believe there is. That may be a place to find some guidance or at least some relevant support.

My best to you. I can say with great certainty that he is far better now than he would've been without you in his life.

 

[Gilligan]

I agree to a point, when my son attended Dent they took a class trip to Cheltenham, my son called it Juvie... It scared the crap out of him...
It was the best 6 dollar class trip ever.. money well spent..

The guy in charge of the SMC juvenile services office pulled me aside one day and gave me quite the "education" about why he and his staff were always focused on doing anything and everything to keep the judge from sending kids to that place. I recall being somewhat astonished at his level of frankness.

It is indeed a shame, the lack of mental health services and possibilities to obtain help overall. I have an ex that works in the field (in the alcohol/drug counseling side) and have heard many stories about how little support they get.

 

[HeavyChevy75]

I can't imagine how hard it is for you. I do wish MD had the facilities to handle this type of situation.

 

[inkah]

Unfortunately, he can't (or won't) deal with what happened before he came to us, so he doesn't even know why he's so angry. I truly believe that, until he comes to grip with his past, we can't move forward - and he can't do that safely in an unsecured setting.

At 11 - that makes sense. Do you know what all happened?

 

[BernieP]

I admit it's all anecdotal (though some of it directly from the folks working in juvenile services) but I've heard Cheltenham referred to as "Future Repeat Offenders Academy" and "Future Criminals U".... When my youngest found himself in legal trouble a few years ago, his "parole counselor" made it pretty crystal clear that she wanted to help keep him out of Cheltenham at all costs.

the child needs help, not warehousing with felons.

he needs to be in a hospital setting to evaluate, medicate and start therapy. Two weeks is a joke.
Right now he's on his way to being a high school dropout and will probably turn to street drugs or alcohol to ease "his pain".

 

[black dog]

The guy in charge of the SMC juvenile services office pulled me aside one day and gave me quite the "education" about why he and his staff were always focused on doing anything and everything to keep the judge from sending kids to that place. I recall being somewhat astonished at his level of frankness.

It is indeed a shame, the lack of mental health services and possibilities to obtain help overall. I have an ex that works in the field (in the alcohol/drug counseling side) and have heard many stories about how little support they get.

My live in is a attorney that practiced Family Law in MD for a dozen years or so.
The kids took a huge toll on her in those years. She now does Corporate Law down in Indianapolis. 9-5 M-F..... No phone calls in the middle of the night from dui's, drugs, beatup wife's, abused kids and on and on... It's easier on the soul.

 

[Clem72]

I agree to a point, when my son attended Dent they took a class trip to Cheltenham, my son called it Juvie... It scared the crap out of him...
It was the best 6 dollar class trip ever.. money well spent..

Ah heck, I remember back in junior high a couple of our wanna-be badass classmates got a 1 day forced fieldtrip to juvy. Scared straight really worked back then. The one I knew well told me he had to barricade himself in his room behind the mattress because people walking by would throw feces at him through the window.

 

[BernieP]

The people who are the MOST helpful are parents and persons who have a LOT of experience with such kids. I'm drawn to them like a magnet. They don't always have answers, but they know what you're going through. I can tell you they are some of the best parents, PERIOD.

People who have not had a child with a problem are typically quick to pass judgment, they have a snap answer.
It's easy to discipline a normal child, the exasperation comes with the child that doesn't care about punishment.
Oh, and wait until they learn what power they have if they go to school and report physical abuse.
The only blow back they might get is from older siblings who will get yanked from class and interrogated.

 

[Gilligan]

the child needs help, not warehousing with felons.

he needs to be in a hospital setting to evaluate, medicate and start therapy. Two weeks is a joke.
Right now he's on his way to being a high school dropout and will probably turn to street drugs or alcohol to ease "his pain".

bingo. But the only "guaranteed and paid for" path is the one that leads inevitably to Cheltenham or, later on, an adult facility. That's what is so sad about our system but, frankly, I have no clue what the "better way" could actually look like. Have to leave that to folks that know something more about it. I just know from my own experience with my child..the path is either not there or it sure is well hidden. I sure do feel badly for the original poster.

 

[Lovely]

From very personal experience, I know that there are quite a few inpatient treatment facilities that Maryland sends troubled youth to for rehabilitation type services, counseling and behavioral therapy. Several are in Frederick County Maryland and in surrounding counties. I've seen them do a great job with a lot of troubled kids. Please don't let people scare you by saying he will go to Cheltenham. Please go talk to his probation officer or somebody at the Department of Juvenile Services, (a supervisor & ask them how to get help, I posted previously what we had to do to get help. It was hard, but I couldn't risk my babies getting hurt. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Restless]

My heart aches for you! I cannot even imagine what you have been going through. I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm going to call my brother-in-law in Missouri who is a probation officer and see if he has any suggestions. If he has any new one, I will post them. In the meantime, I will be praying for you.

 

[PeoplesElbow]

Not much to add to this other than a story about the worst kid I knew growing up. In 7th grade he tied a dog to the train tracks, dog of course got hit by train, in 9th grade he actually blew up a small out building at the mall. His dad was a judge, sent his ass to some military school, apparently it took and he straightened out.

 

[LightRoasted]

If I may ...

Please bear with me - this is long, very personal (and probably self-identifying), but I feel it's VERY important.

I have five children (3 by birth, 2 by adoption from foster care), so I'm intimately familiar with bullying and other behavior problems in schools. And, I'm disappointed and embarrassed to say that I am the mother of "that child." You know the one - disruptive in class, bullying other students, absorbing a significantly disproportionate share of resources to simply maintain a safe classroom.

This past school year, he has sexually harassed, bullied and instigated fights with other students. He has attacked staff members and is known to become agitated (to the extent that a violent outburst is a very real possibility) over simple things, like a chair squeaking or being told it's time to work on division. He lies and steals. His Behavioral Intervention Plan (BIP) practically allows him to go unchallenged in the event that he gets frustrated, in order to avoid a confrontation that could lead to an unsafe situation. Staff at the school has had to undergo additional training to learn safe restraint techniques and they have plans to evacuate his immediate area of other students. They have had to execute these plans more than once........

Where is the other parental unit, aka, the father, in this story? What has he done? Has he taken a belt, stick, branch, bat, a top this boy's skull? Ok, ok, a bit figuratively? These type of behaviors just don't materialize overnight.