i left my lori after 8 mos.

[Sharon]

Melody

Originally posted by Old Dog
How much time does anyone really spend discussing childrearing with any future mate?

I'm probably not in the norm, but my husband and I cleaned this issue to the bone before settling in together. Kids can make and break a relationship. It takes two strong people not to let them ruin it. Not to say that it's always easy, sometimes it's he!!.

I would never get involved with someone who told me, "They are my kids not yours...you have no say in the matter." People fool themselves into thinking that it's okay and everything will be happily ever after, when that is hardly ever the case. Kids will play the parents on all sides and thru the middle if you don't have a plan.

Whatever you are going through, I wish you well.

 

[SxyPrincess]

Originally posted by justhangn
Your spouse is supposed to lay down the ground rules to his children that you are an equal partner and to be treated with that respect, if the demons do not abide by these rules, they need an attitude adjustment to be given by him.

Sharon's husband (2A) and I had a discussion about this on NYE. I couldn't agree with him more when he said that children are guests. They can occupy space in a common ground, and eat you out of household, but they don't pay the bills, and sometimes don't even clean up after themselves. So...why should they be allowed to walk all over you?

 

[Sierra39]

I've been a stepmom, too...although the problem was more the ex in the situation than the child! But no matter what the issue is, it's a tough situation for ALL the players: the kids, the ex's, the stepparents. And the key to working out alot of the rough spots is to acknowledge that the very players who you may be blaming for the friction are also feeling anger and hurt, too.

I have three suggestions for survival, if you think the relationship between you and Lori is worth putting ALOT of effort into salvaging:

1. Stop thinking of it being an "us" (you and Lori) vs. "them" (the kids) situation! By doing that, you are setting yourself up as "the enemy!" (Alot of the perceived "disrespect" you're getting is probably based on the fact that the kids are viewing you as "the enemy" and in addition, are displacing their anger over the divorce at you.)

2. Have a "family" meeting! Sit down with the kids and talk openly and calmly about the situation; let them know that you understanding how difficult it is for them to accept a stranger into their lives (who is taking their mother's attention AWAY from them, even if it's only for an hour!). They also need to hear it from you that you're NOT trying to take their father's place, and that you will be there for them IF they want to come to you for advice/help/etc. Come up with a basic set of house rules and consequences, post it on the refrigerator, and LET EVERYTHING ELSE GO! (i.e. PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY!)

3. Include the kids in your plans, and make them feel welcome, and DON"T be resentful of their time need to spend time ALONE with their mother. If you respect THEIR needs and open the lines of communication, eventually you "earn" their respect...

Good luck!

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by SxyPrincess
So...why should they be allowed to walk all over you?

EXACTLY!!! Children require and seek out guidance, if you let them do anything, they will turn into the beast you create!!

Sharon:

That's exactly what needs to be done and will be done by two adults that are using their heads for more than a hat rack.

 

[Dribbles]

I guess it be wrong fo me to shack-up wit my bebe's daddies, sista's, cous's, uncle den, only afta 2 dates, huh?

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Dribbles
I guess it be wrong fo me to shack-up wit my bebe's daddies, sista's, cous's, uncle den, only afta 2 dates, huh?

Sounds like it may be expected.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by justhangn
That's exactly what needs to be done and will be done by two adults that are using their heads for more than a hat rack. [/B]

So true... except it can be kind of hard sometimes to realize that your partner is just using his head as a hat rack.

In my case, my spouse specifically has stated that he wants me to be as much the kid's parent as he is... except that he doesn't really believe it at heart, or so his actions tell me. He doesn't even want me to be the same kind of parent that he is... I've tested this one out... when I parent as he does I'm considered mean and harsh.

The culture clash between 2 parenting styles can be quite deafening. It can be especially so in a step situation. When I have no kids and he has no kids and we disagree on some parenting issue then we're just disagreeing on a theory. But when he has kids, now it becomes me telling him that he's a bad parent or that there's something wrong with his kid.... especially if he's just using his head as a hat rack.

Take care,
Melody

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Old Dog
So true... except it can be kind of hard sometimes to realize that your partner is just using his head as a hat rack.

In my case, my spouse specifically has stated that he wants me to be as much the kid's parent as he is... except that he doesn't really believe it at heart, or so his actions tell me. He doesn't even want me to be the same kind of parent that he is... I've tested this one out... when I parent as he does I'm considered mean and harsh.


Take care,
Melody

Ahh yes, back to my original statement, it's time to find a new bed to warm.

If he can not live up to his end of the contract, it is time to cut your loses and move on, especially if you do not have any children by this particular hat rack.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by justhangn
Ahh yes, back to my original statement, it's time to find a new bed to warm.

If he can not live up to his end of the contract, it is time to cut your loses and move on, especially if you do not have any children by this particular hat rack.

I'm currently cogitating on that very issue (of cutting my losses, not to be confused with "issue" as synonym for children). Basically I'm trying to decide if I can have a happy marriage as long as the kid mostly doesn't bother me. Keep bumping up against the "respect" aspect... as in, can I love someone when I don't respect him (cause he lets his 11yo walk all over him and I only see it getting worse). Though perhaps I should concern myself more over to whom I would actually be married since my spouse seems to have no defining line between himself and his offspring (what's a good word for no discernible boundaries whatsoever?).

Sorry I was so quick to judge initially... but I'm just so incredibly tired of folks saying "but you're the adult and she's the kid"... cause it's just never really that easy, even if a lot of times it really should just be that simple.

Take care,
Melody

 

[pixiegirl]

Dump him Melody! Take it from me. I don't put up with anyone's b/s and I've never been happier!

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Old Dog
Sorry I was so quick to judge initially... but I'm just so incredibly tired of folks saying "but you're the adult and she's the kid"... cause it's just never really that easy, even if a lot of times it really should just be that simple.

Take care,
Melody

It's quite all-right Melody, I'm used to 'splain'n myself.

It is that cut and dry, the only thing in the way is your heart and rest assured, unless you are the beast from the black lagoon, you'll find another man that will help you forget the hat rack.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by pixiegirl
Dump him Melody! Take it from me. I don't put up with anyone's b/s and I've never been happier!

I've already flushed one spouse... and will definitely not be heading out for a third time at bat if this one doesn't work out.

And, in truth, there does seem to be some progress, though it frequently seems at a snail's pace.

I'm just in the middle of a phase of wondering if that's fast enough.

Take care,
Melody

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by Old Dog
I've already flushed one spouse... and will definitely not be heading out for a third time at bat if this one doesn't work out.

And, in truth, there does seem to be some progress, though it frequently seems at a snail's pace.

I'm just in the middle of a phase of wondering if that's fast enough.

Take care,
Melody

Hmmm.....I think the WELCOME should be a little higher on your shirt.

Good luck and welcome to the Asylum!!

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by justhangn
Hmmm.....I think the WELCOME should be a little higher on your shirt.

Good luck and welcome to the Asylum!!

Okay... must be really, really slow in the old brain pan today cause I haven't a clue...

and I'm still trying to figure out what MPD means... in my day, we just called them trolls.


btw, meant to say somewhere along the way... "Old Dog" cause the theory goes you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and it sure feels like life keeps trying to throw new tricks at this old dog.

Take care,
Melody

 

[pixiegirl]

Originally posted by Old Dog
Okay... must be really, really slow in the old brain pan today cause I haven't a clue...

and I'm still trying to figure out what MPD means... in my day, we just called them trolls.


btw, meant to say somewhere along the way... "Old Dog" cause the theory goes you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and it sure feels like life keeps trying to throw new tricks at this old dog.

Take care,
Melody

I don't have a clue what he meant either. JH - enlighten us please!

MPD - means Multiple Personality Dissorder. We've had a lot of those around here.

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks" I had a guy tell me that ONCE. I dumped him.

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by pixiegirl
I don't have a clue what he meant either. JH - enlighten us please!

The guy is using her like a door mat!!!


smack!!

 

[Old Dog]

Okay... not terribly flattering... but I get it.

Hmm... it's the end of the day and I'm feeling rather fey... so where should the welcome sign be?

Take care,
Melody

 

[vraiblonde]

Melody, may I? My husband and I started out with two of his (kids) and two of mine. We talked about it incessantly before we got married - how we wanted the relationships to be, how we would handle disputes, etc. What a joke! As soon as the sh*t hit the fan, all agreements went out the window. We had MAJOR kid raising issues, even though we had supposedly agreed on what we were going to do. Everyone told me that I'd have problems with his (non-custodial) ex - RIGHT! It was between him and I all the way - she was a peach.

The good news is that after almost 5 years of marriage, we've settled down and things are going smoothly. Hang in there and keep talking to each other! It'll work out.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Melody, may I? My husband and I started out with two of his (kids) and two of mine. We talked about it incessantly before we got married - how we wanted the relationships to be, how we would handle disputes, etc. What a joke! As soon as the sh*t hit the fan, all agreements went out the window. We had MAJOR kid raising issues, even though we had supposedly agreed on what we were going to do. Everyone told me that I'd have problems with his (non-custodial) ex - RIGHT! It was between him and I all the way - she was a peach.

The good news is that after almost 5 years of marriage, we've settled down and things are going smoothly. Hang in there and keep talking to each other! It'll work out.

I'm trying to find my baseline... I keep waffling between "does it really matter why as long as I get what I wanted" and "yep, sure does if the attitude still sucks". Upside... in 7 years (so the theory goes) the kid graduates high school.

It feels like I should be ahead of the game because I've known from the get-go that any "ex" probs or kid probs really are just spouse probs at the end of the day.

And it does help to know that the other shore probably holds happier times... except I seem to have problems finding the stepping stones that go from here to there.

Upside is I have experience in believing in marriage from a long distance over a long time... lol... out of the 15-1/2 years of marriage to #1, the last 6-1/2 we were separated by 750 miles. At least the distance is shorter this time.

Take care,
Melody

 

[Pookie]

Originally posted by IM4Change
Now, be nice to the newbie. We will help him write better and use a smell checker.

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!