Opinions?

[bresamil]

When a teenager asks if they can stay at your house because they feel safer there than at their own home what would be you first response?

Facts in this case:
1. Female, 15
2. Resides primarily with the father as mother lives outside the school district
3. Father has a history of not providing food for child (not buying food, she knows how to cook if food is in the house)

Child has said (no idea if this is true because I have not witnessed it)
1. Father is calling her names
2. Father has been acting aggressive

 

[Bay_Kat]

When a teenager asks if they can stay at your house because they feel safer there than at their own home what would be you first response?

Facts in this case:
1. Female, 15
2. Resides primarily with the father as mother lives outside the school district
3. Father has a history of not providing food for child (not buying food, she knows how to cook if food is in the house)

Child has said (no idea if this is true because I have not witnessed it)
1. Father is calling her names
2. Father has been acting aggressive

My first thought would be to call Child Welfare Services or maybe call and talk to the mother. Other than that I'm not sure what I'd do. Sad the kid
doesn't feel safe at her own home with her father.

 

[bresamil]

My first thought would be to call Child Welfare Services or maybe call and talk to the mother. Other than that I'm not sure what I'd do. Sad the kid
doesn't feel safe at her own home with her father.

This was my thought as well. Especially as I was recently told by the child that the father was going to seek sole custody.

Her mother supposedly knows about the situation and is no position to help (which I don't get).

 

[aps45819]

Tell her she can spend a few nights and see how she behaves.
I'm sure my kid thinks I'm aggressive when I tell him for the 50th time in two hours to clean his room

 

[kk2187]

Especially as I was recently told by the child that the father was going to seek sole custody.

Her mother supposedly knows about the situation and is no position to help (which I don't get).

She could be telling the truth, or she could be stirring things up if she knows Dad wants sole custody and she wants to live with Mom.

I would let her stay for a couple nights, just in case, but definitely contact CPS.

 

[Bay_Kat]

Tell her she can spend a few nights and see how she behaves.
I'm sure my kid thinks I'm aggressive when I tell him for the 50th time in two hours to clean his room

And there's that. My daughter thinks the same way.

 

[struggler44]

Maybe talk to the father about her staying with you if you have contact/know with him; I would stay at a friends house for a month at a time when I was a teenager. Sometimes a little separation goes a long way

 

[vraiblonde]

Since she's only 15, can Dad make her come back home, or can this blow back on you in any legal way? I would hesitate to get involved in a domestic, BUT it's also difficult to sit by and not offer help to the girl. Don't call CPS because once they get involved all hell breaks loose, even if the girl is exaggerating her claims. I agree with Struggler that you should probably talk to the dad or maybe the girl's mom first.

 

[somdnanny1]

I was somewhat similiar to the child you are asking questions about: When I was 14, I was living with my father because I needed a break from my mother (we are too much a like and butt heads still to this day). He would be gone for up to a week at a time...leave Monday morning to go to work and when I got home from school he wouldn't be there because he would already be at the bar getting his drink on and wouldn't come home until he had visitation with my little sister the next week. I often didn't have food to eat (I could cook, been cooking for several years at that point), but there wasn't food to eat in our section of the freezer, fridge, or pantry (because we were only renting two rooms in a house). I often didn't have money on my lunch account, so at one point I went three days with nothing to eat, not seeing my father, no clue where he was because he wouldn't answer his cell phone. My landlord handed me the phone and told me that either I called CPS or she did. I called and CPS read my father the riot act including threatening him with jail time.

So my advice would be to call CPS and have them investigate. At the very least the family is on their radar to keep an eye on to make sure that everything is okay with the child and if there is something wrong, then CPS can step in fix it and protect the child. If there are financial difficulties making it difficult for the father to purchase food CPS can make suggestions, if there are communication issues, CPS can suggest or mandate counceling, ect.

 

[vraiblonde]

So my advice would be to call CPS and have them investigate.

Let me tell you a story:

A friend of mine had a fun run-in with CPS years ago. His daughter was, I think 15 or so, and going through a rebellious stage. There was an argument about curfews, the daughter got quite belligerent and said some pretty ugly things, it escalated, and the dad grabbed her by the arm and marched her up the stairs to make her go to her room.

The daughter then ran away from home and went to a friend's house, presented her (now fading) red-marked arms to her friend's mom, who promptly called the police. Police came, arrested the dad, even though by now the girl was calm and tried to tell them what happened. CPS was brought in, and the girl was removed from the home. The word of the girl and her mother wasn't good enough, because CPS and the cops just said they were fearful and coerced.

It was an incredible mess, brought about because of a flighty teenager and an overzealous child protective system. It took at least a year for the girl to be able to go back home, and she was devastated because of the damage she had caused to her father and family. This has been many years ago, and all is well now, but she still feels terrible about the whole situation.

So...there it is. I wouldn't necessarily take the word of a 15 year old person when it comes to parental tyranny, but I also understand that you don't want to just look the other way in case something is really going on.

 

[Nickel]

When a teenager asks if they can stay at your house because they feel safer there than at their own home what would be you first response?

Facts in this case:
1. Female, 15
2. Resides primarily with the father as mother lives outside the school district
3. Father has a history of not providing food for child (not buying food, she knows how to cook if food is in the house)

Child has said (no idea if this is true because I have not witnessed it)
1. Father is calling her names
2. Father has been acting aggressive

My first response would be "Of course you can stay here." It'll give you some time to get a read on her and maybe you can talk to your own child about their understanding of the situation. Talk to her parents if you know them. I wouldn't rule out calling CPS but it definitely wouldn't be my first choice and not an option I'd consider without more information. As stated above, teenagers are flighty and emotional. I also don't think they can be trusted, but that's my own opinion.

 

[baileydog]

I would let her stay a couple nights to get a read on the situation. Talk to her. Explain that if you call CPS there is a chance she will go to foster care for awhile, she wont like that. Explain to her that if she isnt telling the whole truth correctly they will know. Then when you have all her version told to you in a calm, rational way, take the info to dad or better mom, and let her know whats going on. Or if you feel it warrants, call CPS yourself.

 

[my-thyme]

Tough decision to make.

 

[Moved_south]

Let me tell you a story:

A friend of mine had a fun run-in with CPS years ago. His daughter was, I think 15 or so, and going through a rebellious stage. There was an argument about curfews, the daughter got quite belligerent and said some pretty ugly things, it escalated, and the dad grabbed her by the arm and marched her up the stairs to make her go to her room.

The daughter then ran away from home and went to a friend's house, presented her (now fading) red-marked arms to her friend's mom, who promptly called the police. Police came, arrested the dad, even though by now the girl was calm and tried to tell them what happened. CPS was brought in, and the girl was removed from the home. The word of the girl and her mother wasn't good enough, because CPS and the cops just said they were fearful and coerced.

It was an incredible mess, brought about because of a flighty teenager and an overzealous child protective system. It took at least a year for the girl to be able to go back home, and she was devastated because of the damage she had caused to her father and family. This has been many years ago, and all is well now, but she still feels terrible about the whole situation.

So...there it is. I wouldn't necessarily take the word of a 15 year old person when it comes to parental tyranny, but I also understand that you don't want to just look the other way in case something is really going on.

Wow. I have had the very opposite situation with CPS and recently. Two young girls, troubled mom. Mom stops going for her mandated drug testing, loses/quits job, living with a man that has just been released on bond for distribution of heroin, kids have had lice every time we see them for MONTHS. Finally swallow hard and call in CPS--- NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH. Crazy how different CPS can vary in response. Maybe its a state thing?

But agree with much of what has been said above. Let her stay over. get a feel for what is going on. talk to the parents if possible. Teenaged girls are, almost by definition, dramatic creatures that lack the ability to see the larger picture at times. Good luck with a sticky situation....

 

[Roman]

I am inclined to think that this girl just might be a drama queen. It is a sticky situation, and I'd feel terrible if I turned the other cheek. On the other hand, I would have to get a verbal OK from her Father before I'd let her stay at my house for more than one night. These days, kids are told how to contact CPS, and they also know they can go to a Teacher, School Counselor, or anyone they feel comfortable with to tell them what is going on. I admire you Bres, and wish all parties luck.

 

[kwillia]

1st, As for the "no food in the house" thing... having two teens in the house I can assure you there have been a few dozen times that they both have claimed there was nothing to eat when in fact I had a deep freezer practically full and a pantry of canned and boxed goods enough to feed an small army. Each and every time they got all dramatic about there being no food I didn't budge and the youngest would just not eat and the oldest would leave and go out to eat with friends (on his dime...not mine). And yes, they seriously consider not having anything in the house they WANT to eat as not having any food in the house.

2nd, a 15 year old girl, especially if she's closer to 16, is teetotal over the top full of emotional turmoil and drama... I don't care what their home life is really like.

 

[Merlin99]

1st, As for the "no food in the house" thing... having two teens in the house I can assure you there have been a few dozen times that they both have claimed there was nothing to eat when in fact I had a deep freezer practically full and a pantry of canned and boxed goods enough to feed an small army. Each and every time they got all dramatic about there being no food I didn't budge and the youngest would just not eat and the oldest would leave and go out to eat with friends (on his dime...not mine). And yes, they seriously consider not having anything in the house they WANT to eat as not having any food in the house.

2nd, a 15 year old girl, especially if she's closer to 16, is teetotal over the top full of emotional turmoil and drama... I don't care what their home life is really like.

A lot of teenagers think if it's not pizza or chicken nuggets, it's not food.

 

[drivingdaisy]

Allow her to spend the night if she is allowed. Or at least have her over for dinner when possible.

I'd be concerned about talking with the father if you don't know him very well, he could get angry at his daughter and get even worse.

Definitively try and talk with the daughter more to see if you can figure out what is really going on.

 

[luvmygdaughters]

1st, As for the "no food in the house" thing... having two teens in the house I can assure you there have been a few dozen times that they both have claimed there was nothing to eat when in fact I had a deep freezer practically full and a pantry of canned and boxed goods enough to feed an small army. Each and every time they got all dramatic about there being no food I didn't budge and the youngest would just not eat and the oldest would leave and go out to eat with friends (on his dime...not mine). And yes, they seriously consider not having anything in the house they WANT to eat as not having any food in the house.

2nd, a 15 year old girl, especially if she's closer to 16, is teetotal over the top full of emotional turmoil and drama... I don't care what their home life is really like.

My kids used to do the same thing. Because we didnt have cc cookies, potato chips, nacho chips, soda's, ice cream etc. We didnt have anything to eat. I'd have to talk to the Mom or Dad before making a decision to let her stay with you. Also, if you let her stay without the permission of the parent, what legal repercussions are you facing.

 

[bresamil]

Update:
Talked to her mother's family. Found her another "safe haven" within the family.

As to the food comments - she does not eat junk food of any type. None. Her dad seldom eats at home (other than weekends he either eats out or at his girlfriend's - he does not take his daughter along) so he doesn't buy food. He said she should eat lunch at school.

Anyhow I'm out of that situation.