Report Card

[cattitude]

I keep rereading my original statement, and I still don't see where I am speaking in a derrogatory manner about my s/s. I've been in my s/s life for almost 8 years now, and in no way do I feel that I've disrespected him or bio mom by asking for suggestions to give to my husband. That is directly opposite of what I'm trying for. I'm not asking for suggestions for myself to carry out with my s/s, only to give to s/o. I thought that maybe I could receive helpful advice from people on here, because if you look at the statement underneath the headline "Parenting and Children", it states "being a parent is challenging - let's talk about it here". I know there are several parents on here that are in or have been in a blended family, and silly me thought I would ask for help and get helpful suggestions.
And for Twin Oaks, Wenchy, desertrat and sanchezf, thank you for your advice.

I gave you helpful suggestions.

 

[vraiblonde]

I suggest you butt out. Just because his father married you, that does not make you his mother. He is not your child. It is a far too common mistake step parents make, trying to jump in and and "advise" biological parents on how to better raise their own child. It is not your place to do this and all it will do is cause hate and discontent on all sides.

And nobody freakin' knows that better than me.

 

[RoseRed]

I gave you helpful suggestions.

Of course you did!

I may be a bit but... when I moved in with my Dad, his live in g/f decided to be the tyrant stepmother. She lost. It may have had something to do with the Nair in her shampoo. She moved out.

:shrug:

 

[vraiblonde]

I thought that maybe I could receive helpful advice from people on here

We have given you helpful advice, but it's not what you want to hear, so you're

I have been there, done that. For 10 years. You are in a no-win situation, and the best advice I can give you is to BUTT OUT and let the parents raise their own kid. I'm serious - you will only harm your relationship with your husband AND his child if you continue to try and manage the situation.

You can either take my word for it, or you can see for yourself.

 

[cattitude]

And nobody freakin' knows that better than me.

HOWEVER...there is a big difference when the child(ren) is with the parent and step-parent the majority of the time. I think the dynamics do change somewhat in that everyone is living together as a family unit.

 

[tygrace]

We have given you helpful advice, but it's not what you want to hear, so you're

I have been there, done that. For 10 years. You are in a no-win situation, and the best advice I can give you is to BUTT OUT and let the parents raise their own kid. I'm serious - you will only harm your relationship with your husband AND his child if you continue to try and manage the situation.

You can either take my word for it, or you can see for yourself.

Cattitude you're right, you did give helpful info, I apologize for not including you in that last statement.
Vrai--I know you know about this situation. I'm not trying to be deaf to the advice. The way that you presented the last few pieces of advice is what I have a problem with. Are you telling me that I'm to keep my mouth shut at all times when my s/s is the subject, and not to offer anything to my husband? I still don't get how that is wrong. I'm not going to go to him and demand he take my advice or get upset if he doesn't.
I'm not trying to be a biatch, I'm curious as to what other parents do in a situation like this. As I asked before, what did you do in you and your son's situation? I'm a new parent (with my bio kids) and don't all parents need help?

 

[vraiblonde]

The way that you presented the last few pieces of advice is what I have a problem with.

I'm not a sugar-coater. Sorry.

Are you telling me that I'm to keep my mouth shut at all times when my s/s is the subject, and not to offer anything to my husband?

That is exactly what I'm telling you. You can offer an, "Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear that." But keep your opinions to yourself. If he wants your advice, he'll ask for it. And even then, tread lightly.

With my son, we just let him go for the most part. Reminded him of what was at stake, but I have no memory of punishing him for grades after he got to a certain age. Larry may come back with a different story - my memory may just be failing.

At some point they have to be responsible for themselves and suffer the consequences of their actions. It's the only way they learn.

He skated by with the bare minimum needed to graduate, and really that's all he needed. He wanted to work and make money, not sit in a classroom. So he graduated, went off to the Army to start his career and real life, and those Ds and Fs didn't mean squat in the grand scheme of things. Scored very high on his ASVAB, so we knew he wasn't stupid, and that was good enough for us. Now he's working for a contractor, considering various business ventures, and has his eyes on the prize.

Not all kids are academically minded. If the kid is a doper or a layabout, that's one thing - but if he's basically a good kid with reasonable intelligence, you probably don't have a lot to worry about.

 

[tygrace]

I'm not a sugar-coater. Sorry.


That is exactly what I'm telling you. You can offer an, "Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear that." But keep your opinions to yourself. If he wants your advice, he'll ask for it. And even then, tread lightly.

With my son, we just let him go for the most part. Reminded him of what was at stake, but I have no memory of punishing him for grades after he got to a certain age. Larry may come back with a different story - my memory may just be failing.

At some point they have to be responsible for themselves and suffer the consequences of their actions. It's the only way they learn.

He skated by with the bare minimum needed to graduate, and really that's all he needed. He wanted to work and make money, not sit in a classroom. So he graduated, went off to the Army to start his career and real life, and those Ds and Fs didn't mean squat in the grand scheme of things. Scored very high on his ASVAB, so we knew he wasn't stupid, and that was good enough for us. Now he's working for a contractor, considering various business ventures, and has his eyes on the prize.

Not all kids are academically minded. If the kid is a doper or a layabout, that's one thing - but if he's basically a good kid with reasonable intelligence, you probably don't have a lot to worry about.

Thank you-

 

[vraiblonde]

And I'll leave you with one last bit of advice:

If you want to piss off the ex-wife and make an enemy, go ahead and try to parent her kid. Tell her how to raise him and discipline him because you don't think she's doing it right.

 

[tygrace]

And I'll leave you with one last bit of advice:

If you want to piss off the ex-wife and make an enemy, go ahead and try to parent her kid. Tell her how to raise him and discipline him because you don't think she's doing it right.

In no way do I want to piss her off. She and I really do have a great relationship. We both have acknowledged to each other that we have different parenting views, and she knows that I just want the best for him. In the very beginning of my relationship with my s/o, I was out of place when it came to s/s. My intentions weren't to be controlling, I really have had only the best at heart for him, but it isn't my place to be authorative. It wasn't like a handbook came with the relationship with s/o and s/s.

 

[Pete]

This could be why Dr. Laura says if you are divorced with kids don't date, shack up with or remarry until the kids are grown and move out.

 

[onebdzee]

This could be why Dr. Laura says if you are divorced with kids don't date, shack up with or remarry until the kids are grown and move out.