social mores: b'day party invites?

[foxxynhounds]

Okay, I get that not everyone gets invited to birthday parties, and that kids will often tell others at school that they are invited, when in fact they are not. When this happens to my kids, they are disappointed, but I remind them that sometimes their classmates don't understand that not everyone is invited and I come up with something to take their mind off of it.

In this situation, a parent of a child that my daughters (twins) regularly play with at school pulled me aside when passing in the hallway and asked for our e-mail address so that she could invite our daughters to her daughter's b'day party. She told me when it was and asked me to set the date aside.

I hadn't heard anything, so I assumed that their plans had changed. I didn't mention anything to my girls. However, their friend (the birthday girl) told them all about it this week, told them they were invited and asked them if they were coming. Thus, the girls came home and relayed this to me.

I still hadn't received an e-mail, but our address is sometimes difficult to understand (we have an O where it looks like it should be a 0), so I reached out to the mom via e-mail and asked if something had changed.

She responded that she was so sorry, but they chose a venue where they couldn't invite everyone (or something like that), and my girls were not invited. She said that she hopes they are not disappointed.

Had this been a standard situation, like I first described, then I get it. But SHE told me they were invited, so I didn't correct them when they told me about the party, as told to them by their friend. I told them maybe it was an e-mail issue. I don't have alternate plans for them (today) b/c I had penciled this in on my calendar.

I'm annoyed. Very, very annoyed. But do I have any right to be?

 

[ZARA]

Okay, I get that not everyone gets invited to birthday parties, and that kids will often tell others at school that they are invited, when in fact they are not. When this happens to my kids, they are disappointed, but I remind them that sometimes their classmates don't understand that not everyone is invited and I come up with something to take their mind off of it.

In this situation, a parent of a child that my daughters (twins) regularly play with at school pulled me aside when passing in the hallway and asked for our e-mail address so that she could invite our daughters to her daughter's b'day party. She told me when it was and asked me to set the date aside.

I hadn't heard anything, so I assumed that their plans had changed. I didn't mention anything to my girls. However, their friend (the birthday girl) told them all about it this week, told them they were invited and asked them if they were coming. Thus, the girls came home and relayed this to me.

I still hadn't received an e-mail, but our address is sometimes difficult to understand (we have an O where it looks like it should be a 0), so I reached out to the mom via e-mail and asked if something had changed.

She responded that she was so sorry, but they chose a venue where they couldn't invite everyone (or something like that), and my girls were not invited. She said that she hopes they are not disappointed.

Had this been a standard situation, like I first described, then I get it. But SHE told me they were invited, so I didn't correct them when they told me about the party, as told to them by their friend. I told them maybe it was an e-mail issue. I don't have alternate plans for them (today) b/c I had penciled this in on my calendar.

I'm annoyed. Very, very annoyed. But do I have any right to be?

Yes you have every right and if it were me, I would tell the mother that her kids told my kids they were invited and she needs to be the one to break it to my kids why they are no longer invited.

 

[LostNFound]

Yes you have every right and if it were me, I would tell the mother that her kids told my kids they were invited and she needs to be the one to break it to my kids why they are no longer invited.

Nope- I dont want someone so stupid talking to my kid.
I dont miss the elementary years AT ALL I tell ya. I used these kinds of social situations to explain to my kids that not everyone is polite, well mannered, caring or even sensible at all times. In fact many people are just plain thoughtless all too often. While Ive taught my kids to act respectful to adults and to grant respect until a reason to take it away pops up, I have never missed an opportunity to clear up the unfortunate fact that many adults, especially parents it seems, can be total morons.

Personally Id explain to my kids - even as young as 7 that this mom is a jerk. That you dont do that to people- you plan better or keep your mouth shut until you know all the details. Furthermore, if we were ever in a situation where we had to renege, we go to that person's FACE (NOT EMAIL) and explain ourselves coupled with a most sincere apology.

The world is not all unicorns and daisies. Its a teachable moment, not a life defining event.

 

[ZARA]

Nope- I dont want someone so stupid talking to my kid.
I dont miss the elementary years AT ALL I tell ya. I used these kinds of social situations to explain to my kids that not everyone is polite, well mannered, caring or even sensible at all times. In fact many people are just plain thoughtless all too often. While Ive taught my kids to act respectful to adults and to grant respect until a reason to take it away pops up, I have never missed an opportunity to clear up the unfortunate fact that many adults, especially parents it seems, can be total morons.

Personally Id explain to my kids - even as young as 7 that this mom is a jerk. That you dont do that to people- you plan better or keep your mouth shut until you know all the details. Furthermore, if we were ever in a situation where we had to renege, we go to that person's FACE (NOT EMAIL) and explain ourselves coupled with a most sincere apology.

The world is not all unicorns and daisies. Its a teachable moment, not a life defining event.

See, you are nicer than I am.

 

[LostNFound]

See, you are nicer than I am.

Ive been called worse

 

[vraiblonde]

I think birthday parties these days are all rude because when I was a kid ALL the kids in your class were invited. It wasn't this picking and choosing and leaving people out.

 

[flyingdog]

The wrong part of this is that the Mom didn't inform you of the change based on her first indication that there was a party and that the girls were invited. The other wrong is that the birthday party person communicated directly with the girls that they were invited. Obviously there is a miscommunication here between the birthday child and the mom. I don't blame you for being annoyed. I do understand not getting to invite everyone - birthday parties are expensive if you have it somewhere other than your home and it is difficult hosting 25 kids at your house. However, then the parent should know the plans prior to communicating. I'm sorry.

 

[sockgirl77]

I don't invite kids from school and my kids do not go to their classmates parties. I've made this our rule for the past few years. This way, my kids are never disappointed.

 

[bulldog]

Life is full of disappointments and kids need to learn to deal with it instead of being protected from it, IMO. There should not be a trophy for every kid and not every kid should be invited to the party. The example given is a perfect opportunity for the parents of the un-invited kids to sit them down and explain that sometimes things happen differently than how we planned for them to happen and when they do, you have to adjust and move on.
I'm just guessing here, but there is a chance that the parent is more upset about the situation than the kids.

 

[bulldog]

I think birthday parties these days are all rude because when I was a kid ALL the kids in your class were invited. It wasn't this picking and choosing and leaving people out.

I don't invite kids from school and my kids do not go to their classmates parties. I've made this our rule for the past few years. This way, my kids are never disappointed.

From the two of you, this surprised me.

Vrai, I'm sure I'm older than you, but probably not by a lot and in my day, we never invited the whole class cause there were simply some who we did not want to be around...especially at a party/celebration.

 

[Misfit]

I remember when I was a kid being invited to a girls birthday party. I walked to her house the day of the party with the present I'd got for her and when I rang the doorbell she opened it and told me she was joking and I wasn't really invited.


I walked home.

 

[vraiblonde]

From the two of you, this surprised me.

Vrai, I'm sure I'm older than you, but probably not by a lot and in my day, we never invited the whole class cause there were simply some who we did not want to be around...especially at a party/celebration.

Yep, even the dweebie nose pickers got an invite. No child left behind before it was a political talking point. That was elementary school, though; once I got into jr. high birthdays were more selective, and in high school I'd go roast a bowl with a couple friends and call it good.

 

[BadGirl]

When I learn of a birthday party for one of my son's classmates, I secretly pray that he is not invited.

I'm mean like that.

 

[GURPS]

I think birthday parties these days are all rude because when I was a kid ALL the kids in your class were invited. It wasn't this picking and choosing and leaving people out.

Mandatory @ my daughters School - if you are having a 'party' all class mates are invited ... which can get annoying with 4 or 5 birthdays in one month

 

[JeJeTe]

When I learn of a birthday party for one of my son's classmates, I secretly pray that he is not invited.

I'm mean like that.

My kid will often tell me he doesn't want to go when invited because he "doesn't like that kid".

 

[sockgirl77]

This is why I was sooooooooooo for the SMCPS making the new rule about not being allowed to send invites into school with the kids. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...they cancelled it.

 

[bulldog]

Wait, what?

You're having a party, for your child, at your house and the scool system mandates that you invite all class mates? That's TFF and I'd have to tell them to blow it out of their azz. Who is running that school anyway, BHO?

 

[bulldog]

This is why I was sooooooooooo for the SMCPS making the new rule about not being allowed to send invites into school with the kids. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...they cancelled it.

Sock, you shock me.

My kids are grown and gone, but if I were still in this position I would not give a crap about them saying we could not pass out invites in school becasue anyone my kids would invite to our home we would know well enough to invite them in person, face to face or by taking an invitation to their home (still face to face). Still, for the school to make a rule about it is, IMO, beyond their bounds in "protecting" kids' feelings. Not their job.

 

[bulldog]

When I learn of a birthday party for one of my son's classmates, I secretly pray that he is not invited.

I'm mean like that.

How do you learn of the party if he is not invited?

I've been out of this kids/school gig for a long time and I guess it shows.

 

[vraiblonde]

I think it's awful for parents to encourage their children to ostracize other kids. If it's a bully or mean kid, that's one thing. But kids tend to get shunned because they're nerdy or have some other trait that's outside the social norm, and I hate that. I never allowed my kids to do it and I dislike it when other parents allow it.