Stupid Teenagers or Stupid Parents?

[vraiblonde]

I don't know about ya'll but my daughters are incapable of deciding what to wear and how to do their hair on any given day. Forget them being able to make important decisions!

Delilah, I know you were just kidding but, like Kain, I'm picturing a scenario. Yikes!

 

[Delilah903]

Originally posted by Kain99
Teenagers participateing in the decision?
This is the exact type of politically correct statement that makes my eyes roll to the back of my head! Uggh! It is clearly the job of Mom and Dad to say NO.. even Hell No... if the situation calls for it! Teenagers are not looking for friends in their parents - they are looking for guidance. I read your post and I think you agree wholeheartedly with Vrai but you just opened a can of worms that sends shivers down my spine.

Parents who roll over and say go ahead are just asking for trouble.

Wow!! Talk about opening a can of worms... All I was suggesting is you might want to try, every once in awhile, asking your teenagers opinion about what they think the right course of action should be in a given situation.

I am probably the most "Politically Incorrect" person visiting these forums Kain, but if we don't let our teenagers participate occassionally in decision making how are they ever going to learn? When they get to be eighteen.......do we just say to them...okay you are grown now and you can make your own choices??? It would seem to me that guiding them to making wise choices along the way is a much more beneficial way.

In the final analysis, every parent has VETO POWER if the child makes the wrong choice!!!!


By the way Darlene, I certainly don't mean to argue or reason with two year olds. The only correct answer for a two year old is....because I say so.....and....I am older and meaner than you and I have the POWER!!!

 

[alex]

I wouldn't let my child go either. As for the parents being friends bit, Kain I agree with you. When my son was 5 he would ask me if I was his friend. My answer was I am your Mom first and then your friend.

But Deliah is right, all children should be involved in the decision process so they learn how to make the right one - the one we want them to make! But we also do have Veto Power.

 

[zuchick]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Okay, last night the 15 year old hits me with it:

Apparently the going thing with the teenage set is co-ed slumber parties. Needless to say, she will neither be hosting nor attending any of them. She ranted for awhile wanting to know WHY can't she can't go to this kid's co-ed slumber party? Don't we TRUST her? We don't think she's STUPID, do we?

She said that I'm forcing her to sneak around and lie to us by not giving my permission. After I recovered from my laughter I told her, "Fine, but you better make it worth your while because if I catch you lying to me, I won't trust you anymore." She thought about that for a second, then said, "But what's the big deal? So-and-so's parents let THEM do it!" My standard reply to stuff like that, "Well, maybe So-and-so's parents don't love them as much as we love you."

Now she's right - there are a good number of parents in our community who let their teenagers host and attend co-ed slumber parties. But I think it's stupid and an accident just waiting to happen.

What do you all think about this? I mean, I'm not going to change my mind or anything but I'm just curious how many of you would let your son or daughter have a co-ed slumber party?

You sound like a rational parent who is a parent and not a friend to their child.. Stick to your guns. When my daughter was 14 she accused of spying, being a nosey-body, not letting her have a social life, going through her personal things, keeping tabs on her, not trusting her and she is the first person that has ever called me an MFSOB to my face and still be able to think, walk and move. I simply told her that I was and much much more.. And about the trust issue, I told her that I would trust her with my life, but I simply did not trust her friends which was the truth..

Have the courage to be a parent, you can be friends with your children when they are grown.

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by zuchick
Have the courage to be a parent, you can be friends with your children when they are grown.

That's what we're learning. Our son is 20 and back from Korea and we're enjoying him immensely. Parenting is such a drain and you have to always be on guard against poor behavior. That old "give 'em an inch" thing.

It's inconceivable that one of my kids would call me a filthy name and live to tell about it. We don't have that kind of relationship. Why didn't you smack the sh*t out of her?

 

[Desdemona]

Why would any boys want to be caught dead at a "slumber party" unless there was more in it for them. You'd think they'd be worried about their image unless they thought they'd come back from it with something to brag about to their friends.

I agree with you Vrai, I would absolutely not let my daughter go.

. . . . I wouldn't even let my son go!

 

[zuchick]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
That's what we're learning. Our son is 20 and back from Korea and we're enjoying him immensely. Parenting is such a drain and you have to always be on guard against poor behavior. That old "give 'em an inch" thing.

It's inconceivable that one of my kids would call me a filthy name and live to tell about it. We don't have that kind of relationship. Why didn't you smack the sh*t out of her?

Well that was on the return trip from North Carolina back home to Charleston, WVa. She and her friend had run away. The Police in NC called me and told me where they were, I drove from Charleston, WVa to Bluefield where my brother-n-law took me the rest of the way.. When he heard what she had called me he thought I was going to tear his Bronco up getting back to her, but I remained calm and didn't say a word. My b-n-l told me that he figured he was going to have to pull off the road and stop cause I would have been all over her.. He ask he why I did lay her out and I simply told him that I know what state of mind she was in and that sometimes it is good to throw your kids off balance like that it keeps them thinking.. They know its coming they just don't know when or how.

You know what Grandparents revenge is don't you?

When your grandkids comes over and you spoil them to where you can no longer take them and then call your kids and say, well its time to come get Johnny.

Well, now it my turn.. <Grin) Now she calls me and tells me after our grandson has spent the weekend here and says, "dad you should not let little Johnny have so much candy" or "dad you should not make him everything he wants" or "dad you should not let him do this or that".. I then tell her, "remember when you caused this grey hair or that grey hair? (Big Toothless Grin> ain't it nice to be all grown up". That one's my favorite.. When she is right on the verge of pulling out her hair I will look at her, grin really big and say, "ain't it great to be all grown up and a mommy". (hehe> It drives her nuts!!

I guess that is why my eldest daughter want let her 3 girls have anything to do with me.. (LOL> She gave me lots of grey hair.

 

[BuddyLee]

no way

i wouldnt let her go and im pretty young myself!! besides there might be someone like me at this party

 

[zuchick]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
That's what we're learning. Our son is 20 and back from Korea and we're enjoying him immensely. Parenting is such a drain and you have to always be on guard against poor behavior. That old "give 'em an inch" thing.

It's inconceivable that one of my kids would call me a filthy name and live to tell about it. We don't have that kind of relationship. Why didn't you smack the sh*t out of her?

God knows that I realize how hard it is trying to raise children this day and time and how hard it is to be a parent. But that is what kids need.. Parents! A parent can be a friend when the kids are on theirown because their roles have changed. When the child is grown the parent does not have to be on their guard as much.. One time I remember my youngest son and daughter were really going at it. I seperated them and told them to do Jumping Jacks until I said to stop. I also told them that by the time they were 18, they may hate my guts, but I promised them that they would see 18.. Now our relationship couldn't be better and I would hope they consider me as a friend as well as a parent.

 

[vraiblonde]

Re: no way

Originally posted by BuddyLee
i wouldnt let her go and im pretty young myself!! besides there might be someone like me at this party

Nah, it's not really like that. They're all best buddies and, frankly, if she wanted to have sex, she could do it without a co-ed slumber party. It's more the idea of it.

I told her to call her Aunt Pam and if she could get it by her, I'd go along. She hasn't mentioned it since.

 

[zuchick]

Originally posted by SxyPrincess
Here's my opinion:

If adults are going to chaperon the co-ed party, I would let my daughter/son attend the event.

I think you also have to try and step into your daughters shoes and think "what would she do at this party?" Either you trust her judgment around boys or you don't. I believe it's the going out alone on a date that you'd have more to worry about.

Beinging a FIRM believer in Murphy's Law which boils down to if something bad can happen it will.. The only way I would have ever allowed my children to go to a Boy-Girl Slumber Party is if I were going to sleep right beside my child and then I wouldn't sleep.

I think I were going to play Russian Roulette, I would let my children do it which is about what such a party would be.. I ain't that old not to remember what it was like when I was a teenager.

 

[TWLs wife]

Originally posted by Ken King
Vraiblonde,

My answer is NO WAY IN HELL. While you can trust your kid, can you trust another that you know nothing about? Especially those with a raging hormonal imbalance as teen boys are known to experience.

Just because someone else's parents allow the behavior doesn't mean that you should. Even if you know the chaperones, and believe that they can do a good job of keeping the hanky-panky from taking place, I wouldn't risk it.

I agree with you on this.

 

[Godiva]

Smoke What?!?!?!?!!? Hell no. And no again.

 

[CowGirlUp]

Opinion

Ok I am 21 years old...I was never aloud to have a boyfriend spend the night or for me to spend the night at a boyfriends house. Yes I can agree with VRAILs daughter in saying "She said that I'm forcing her to sneak around and lie to us by not giving my permission." When I was growing up I would rebell against my parents wishes and lie to them...but only because I wasnt aloud. Now I know better....and I wish my parents would have given me more trust in this matter. Since I am not a parent I dont fully understand the way a parent feels when it comes to these decisions. Just because I was staying over a a b/f's house doesnt mean I did anything. I think the harder you are on your children and the more rules you pound in there head the more they are going to rebell. I am still not aloud to have a b/f stay under my parents roof with me. Since I live on my own...they dont like it but they also understand that I am 21 and I pay for my own roof over my head.

 

[CowGirlUp]

PS

I also understand now the reason why my parents never alound this. And your daughter will understand one day as well. It just sucks for her until she does understand...

 

[Ehesef]

My parents never were very strict with me. I had never given them a reason not to trust me. If I went out and decided not to come home, I called and told my mom where I was staying and what time to expect me home. She always knew where I was and that she could reach me on my cell if she needed to. She didn't ask for this info, I just supplied it. I didn't date in highschool, but always ran with a group of friends that included guys. She knew that when I was staying over wherever I happened to be, there were probably guys there too. But she trusted my judgement enough that she never said anything about it. And I never violated that trust. I moved out about 6 months after graduating highschool and she took it very hard. I no longer had to tell her where I was going, what I was doing and who I was doing it with. But she had that trust in me that I wouldn't make a rash decision. Yeah, I have made some bad decisions, but they were mine to make. Thats the way I feel about everyone. If your child has earned your trust and you believe in her decision making abilities, then let her go. But not without talking to the parents/chaperones and ensuring that everything is kosher as far as keeping an eye on these kids all the time...

 

[Ehesef]

Originally posted by kwillia
Oh Ehesef... you give me hope that raising a decent kid can happen after all...

Thankya, thankyaverymuch

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by CowGirlUp
I think the harder you are on your children and the more rules you pound in there head the more they are going to rebell.

That has not been my experience. We have mega rules at our house and I wouldn't describe any of my kids as rebellious. They might have snuck around and done things we wouldn't approve of, but I consider that part of the growing up process. To me, rebellion is when they cuss you or act out right in front of your face - "You can't tell ME what to do!"

We don't hit our kids or anything like that - they fear our disapproval more than anything. And they REALLY hate having to call their aunts or grandparents and tell them what bad thing they did. <---- That's a little trick I picked up from my Mom.

When you let kids do something, you're condoning it. Some parents have the attitude of, "Well, you can't stop them - might as well let them do it." That's wrong. You CAN stop them. You can make it so it hurts and embarrasses them incredibly to disappoint you.

When my son started thinking about marriage with his girlfriend, his qualifier was picturing her sitting around with me and his aunts. Would we love her for herself and not just because she was his woman? Would she fit in with the family? Our opinion is very important to him and that's what we've worked toward with all our kids.

 

[zuchick]

Re: PS

Originally posted by CowGirlUp
I also understand now the reason why my parents never alound this. And your daughter will understand one day as well. It just sucks for her until she does understand...

I hate to say this, but it is suppose to suck.

I've set here for 30 minutes trying to put into words, but I simply can not do it. So I'll say that it is the Fulltime Job of each and every teenager to think their lives suck. It is their jobs to think "my parents simply do not trust me". It is also their job to make their parent's lives unbearable while trying to establish theirown independence.

It is the jobs of all loving parents to do everything in their power to protect their hormone driven child to the point of literally drive their teenager nuts. It is also the Job of a Teenager Loving Parents to make their child's lives suck raw eggs while trying to protect them. It is the the God Given Right of all Child Loving Parents to spy on their children, to constantly snoop in their lives, try an pick their friends, to say NO the what may appear to be the most innocent of things to the immature teenager, who makes it their God given right to turn a even grain of sand into a mountain. It is also part of that God Given Right of every child loving parent to constantly keep tabs on where the child is, who they were with, what they did while they were gone and when they did it.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that it is the job of the child to rebell and the job of the parent try and maintain the status quo realizing there is light on the other side of the tunnel..

Am I making any sense because now I'm confused.

 

[zuchick]

Originally posted by Ehesef
My parents never were very strict with me. I had never given them a reason not to trust me. If I went out and decided not to come home, I called and told my mom where I was staying and what time to expect me home. She always knew where I was and that she could reach me on my cell if she needed to. She didn't ask for this info, I just supplied it. I didn't date in highschool, but always ran with a group of friends that included guys. She knew that when I was staying over wherever I happened to be, there were probably guys there too. But she trusted my judgement enough that she never said anything about it. And I never violated that trust. I moved out about 6 months after graduating highschool and she took it very hard. I no longer had to tell her where I was going, what I was doing and who I was doing it with. But she had that trust in me that I wouldn't make a rash decision. Yeah, I have made some bad decisions, but they were mine to make. Thats the way I feel about everyone. If your child has earned your trust and you believe in her decision making abilities, then let her go. But not without talking to the parents/chaperones and ensuring that everything is kosher as far as keeping an eye on these kids all the time...

So what you are suggesting it Trust, but Verify? If so I think that is what Vrai is suggesting or maybe it is simply time for me to take a breathing treatment so I can get more O2 to my brain and this is all the result of an Oxygen deprived brain which would mean I and somewhere passed out dreaming.