Supporting grown children

[Monello]

Here's a hypothetical example. Your grown child somehow becomes involved with something that you are opposed to. It's nothing illegal, just that their endeavor somehow conflicts with your belief system. They don't ask for any monetary support, just moral support. Do you support them regardless? Do you make your objection known every time you see them? Pretend it's not an issue and just ignore it? Is there any situation that doesn't include breaking the law where you just give up on them?

Here's a few examples. You don't think people should drink alcohol but they open up a bar or liquor store.
They join a pro-life or pro-choice group that is the opposite of your beliefs.
You are anti gun and they open up a gun range.
You think marriage is between a woman and a man but they openly have a same sex partner.
You are a pacifist and they join the military as a grunt.
You don't gamble but they own a dog track or going to the horse track is their main form of entertainment.
You are a big supporter of education but they allow their teen to dropout of high school.
You think a child should be raised by 2 parents but your single child adopts a toddler.

 

[Merlin99]

Here's a hypothetical example. Your grown child somehow becomes involved with something that you are opposed to. It's nothing illegal, just that their endeavor somehow conflicts with your belief system. They don't ask for any monetary support, just moral support. Do you support them regardless? Do you make your objection known every time you see them? Pretend it's not an issue and just ignore it? Is there any situation that doesn't include breaking the law where you just give up on them?

Here's a few examples. You don't think people should drink alcohol but they open up a bar or liquor store.
They join a pro-life or pro-choice group that is the opposite of your beliefs.
You are anti gun and they open up a gun range.
You think marriage is between a woman and a man but they openly have a same sex partner.
You are a pacifist and they join the military as a grunt.
You don't gamble but they own a dog track or going to the horse track is their main form of entertainment.
You are a big supporter of education but they allow their teen to dropout of high school.
You think a child should be raised by 2 parents but your single child adopts a toddler.

My daughter voted for BO and I didn't disown her, think I can put up with most anything.

 

[vraiblonde]

I do not like hunting, but my daughter's boyfriend is a hunter and she has dressed deer with him. I don't like it, but when she called to say how she'd spent her day (to provoke me, I'm sure ) I said, "Good for you! Ick, but good for you."

I make my views known, but it doesn't become a big deal or some bone of contention.

Let one of them knock over a liquor store and shoot the clerk, and that attitude would change dramatically.

 

[black dog]

My sons mother and I have always let him make most of the major decisions in his life, We believe that with doing so he will learn to make good and even better decisions the older he gets. When we dont agree with a decision he makes we both will tell him our opinion and try to let it go.
When he was a child it could have been he felt he didnt need a winter coat to go to school, I laughed and let it go. His mother rode him like Seattle Slew, I got her to lay off and a few days later he started wearing a coat.. That wind rip's up Trent Hall in the winter waiting for the school bus.

I was not happy with my son enlisting in the Marines, and I was very vocal with him about my feelings.

He stood fast because he knows its his boat to sail. Thats what we taught him.

 

[Gilligan]

Is there any situation that doesn't include breaking the law where you just give up on them?

I can't think of one. And after raising four, there have been more than a few tests along the way.

 

[luvmygdaughters]

Not one!! My daughters and I dont always agree on things, but, thats part of being a parent. I raised them to think for themselves, express opinions and be respectful while doing so.

 

[Kyle]

Is there any situation that doesn't include breaking the law where you just give up on them?

Drugs.

 

[Peepaw95]

Drugs.

I believe drugs ARE breaking the law.

 

[Kyle]

I believe drugs ARE breaking the law.

Not always.

However the effects and damage the destructive behavior causes to family isn't worth the trouble of dealing with them.

 

[vraiblonde]

My sons mother and I have always let him make most of the major decisions in his life,

I didn't. My kids were WAY too inexperienced to make important decisions unsupervised. If my son had been left to his own devices as a teenager his life would be remarkably different now, and he thanks me for my intervention (as I assured him he would one day).

 

[Bann]

My younger son, (affectionately referred to on here as Thing2 when I write about him) is a registered Republican, and quite conservative for his age (22). He didn't vote for DJT. He voted for Johnson.

Even though we are both conservative, he has views that differ from mine on some issues, but like Vrai said - I make my views known but it doesn't become a big deal or a bone of contention. I don't tell him how to run his life - I'm more like a coach now -heck, I'm his biggest fan and cheerleader. (Although, he DOES value my opinion and advice and when he needs it, he comes to me to ask for it).

When he was in HS he was a pretty good kid, but there were a few times we clashed and I overruled him. Towards the end of his sophomore year, I disagreed with his change of mind about his future. HE decided he didn't want to pursue college and I put the pressure on pretty hard until we had a big meeting of the minds. I realized the decision had to be his - and was glad he made the decision, because there was NO way I wanted to bust my butt to send him when his mind wasn't set on it. (I had some good advice from Vrai on that, as well) His decision turned out to be a good one, but thenhe faced some hurdles unrelated to his prior decision which ultimately changed the course he was to take career-wise. I supported him throughout those hurdles as he made his way.

He's a pretty straight arrow and hasn't been in any legal trouble, other than a few HS shenanigans, but if he should ever take a walk over to the dark side, he knows he is on his own. I would not support that, and knows it.

Thing1 is different. He has the developmental disability which affects his social-emotional age and he will always be immature. He is still expected to comport himself in a particular way and he doesn't get away with shenanigans. He has chores at home, he works, he volunteers in the community. He doesn't have tendencies towards criminal behaviors - to the contrary - he has a strong sense of right and wrong and in being a decent citizen. That is because it's how I raised him.

 

[SamSpade]

My kids are still too young to have opinions on big issues that are markedly different from my own.
But they may notice that just between my WIFE and I - we do disagree on some major ones.

Since I have a wife and friends who disagree over some of these - I don't think I'd disown any kids,
although I have members of my extended family who HAVE disowned other members of their family.

And it's always the kids with their parents (with one exception) - the kids keep away from Mom or Dad, openly malign them,
insult them while espousing their more "enlightened" views. One of them has a reasonably active blog,
where every post has SOMETHING to say about her parents. She's in her thirties and I'd think she would have
grown past it by now.

I do have a brother who is VERY adamant in his religious beliefs - enough so that his daughter married someone
who was Catholic - and he refused to attend her wedding. She divorced - and later married a Muslim - and again,
he would not attend the wedding. His reasoning was that having raised her in his church, attending the wedding
would lend legitimacy to THEIR religion, and he wouldn't do that. I tried to tell him, look, she's NOT part of your
religion, and if a Catholic or Muslim *friend* asked you to come to their wedding, you'd go.

So - I resolved - THAT would never be me. I would not darken my child's happiest day over something like that.

 

[Monello]

So do you let your childless offspring move back home when their starter marriage ends after a year or 2?

 

[Merlin99]

So do you let your childless offspring move back home when their starter marriage ends after a year or 2?

yes.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

 

[black dog]

So do you let your childless offspring move back home when their starter marriage ends after a year or 2?

Yes, and they pay reasonable rent and groceries and do some help around the house.
My sons room in our house and farm is no different than the way he left it last time he was at them. And I mean ours as his and mine.

 

[vraiblonde]

Nope.

When I divorced my first husband, I figured it out and made it work. I didn't run home to my Mommy. I was an adult and expected myself to act like one, and I expect that of my adult offspring as well.

 

[GURPS]

my 2 oldest daughters 32 [a director for a church day care] and 23 both post tree hugger stuff on their facebook pages,
my oldest son 30 rants from time to time on facebook about God and Religion [but seems to enjoy his Grandmother's Christian Charity while he sits on his ass doing nothing]

my youngest 2; 20 and 13 .. nothing really said


I still converse with all of them .... meh they do their thing I do mine

 

[vraiblonde]

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

So at what point are you adult enough to have your own home, and don't consider your Mom and Dad's house "home"?

 

[black dog]

So at what point are you adult enough to have your own home, and don't consider your Mom and Dad's house "home"?

My first wife and I were 21 when we settled on our first home. It was a new home, She lived in an efficiency apt in Takoma Park and I lived in barracks at Lejeune for a few years saving money for it.

 

[Christy]

So at what point are you adult enough to have your own home, and don't consider your Mom and Dad's house "home"?

Never. I still consider my Mom and Dad's house "home". My kids will likely always consider the house they grew up in as their home. Even when they do buy their own places.

As far as the original question. "supporting" is a trick question. I'll love my kids no matter what, even when some of their life choices are monumentally stupid. I even try not to say "I told you so" when bad choices come to their inevitable bad conclusion. I try not to nag when they don't listen to me, but sometimes I do, but it really works better when I just shut up and let them figure out life for themselves.