travelingQ
Member
Just looking for others in unhappy marriges,would love to talk to them....
Unhappy marrige
- Thread starter travelingQ
- Start date
PmoneyandTT
New Member
Instead of focusing on how unhappy you are.. Go out to piney point tonight.. You might have some fun..
Its not going to make it go away - thinking about it.. Enjoy today - you might be gone tomorrow..
Its not going to make it go away - thinking about it.. Enjoy today - you might be gone tomorrow..
travelingQ
Member
with her or without? she is a homebody like you cannot believe.
and all that time at home....never mind....
and all that time at home....never mind....
AnonymousPenguin
Lead Penguin
Trav,
I'm not in an unhappy marriage...well, I'm not even in a marriage...but I'm willing to listen.
A suggetion: If you are in an unhappy marriage, then change it...make it a happy marriage...it takes two to tango...it takes two to make an unhappy marriage... If you are in an unhappy marriage, chances are your spouse is also in an unhappy marriage. You said that you would love to talk to others in an unhappy marriage. Well I found one for ya, your wife ...talk to her... maybe it'll help...
I'm not in an unhappy marriage...well, I'm not even in a marriage...but I'm willing to listen.
A suggetion: If you are in an unhappy marriage, then change it...make it a happy marriage...it takes two to tango...it takes two to make an unhappy marriage... If you are in an unhappy marriage, chances are your spouse is also in an unhappy marriage. You said that you would love to talk to others in an unhappy marriage. Well I found one for ya, your wife ...talk to her... maybe it'll help...
B
BigBrothaCon
Guest
Hey Trav,
Regardless of what AP says, I know first hand what it is like to be in an unhappy marriage. Being married myself, I can say that at times it really sucks and at other times it is really great. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but I remember when I first got married and me and my wife moved together, I found out she has some really bad habits that made my life miserable. I am a neat freak and I like to keep my house clean. Well, she did not grow up with the same teachings my parents taught me. Things would be left dirty in the kitchen or in our bedroom and I would really get mad about that. We would argue about it and we would not talk to each other for long periods of time. That of course is never healthy in marriage and we had to come to some conclusions about how we would deal with our differences. For us, we learned how to except the other for how we are. It took some time and alot of praying, but we finally made some significant changes in our lives with the help of God. Some would credit that to themselves, but I believe God leads us in every direction that we go and sometimes we follow our own way of doing things and that is usually what I or you want to do instead of what me and my wife or both of you want. My point is that you have to communicate with your wife whenever you feel bad or when she feels bad. Communication and trust is the most important thing in a marriage next to love. Not saying your not doing that already, but those two things always play a part. If it ain't about money then it definitely has something to do with those two things. If you feel you have tried everything to work things out, try counseling or try and go out and meet some married people. You might find out others have the same problems you are experiencing and you can help grow your marriage. Praying works for me, but others need something different. You sound depressed to me in your posts and you probably need to get away for awhile. Come on out to piney point and get your mind off things. It might help.
Regardless of what AP says, I know first hand what it is like to be in an unhappy marriage. Being married myself, I can say that at times it really sucks and at other times it is really great. I don't know how long you guys have been together, but I remember when I first got married and me and my wife moved together, I found out she has some really bad habits that made my life miserable. I am a neat freak and I like to keep my house clean. Well, she did not grow up with the same teachings my parents taught me. Things would be left dirty in the kitchen or in our bedroom and I would really get mad about that. We would argue about it and we would not talk to each other for long periods of time. That of course is never healthy in marriage and we had to come to some conclusions about how we would deal with our differences. For us, we learned how to except the other for how we are. It took some time and alot of praying, but we finally made some significant changes in our lives with the help of God. Some would credit that to themselves, but I believe God leads us in every direction that we go and sometimes we follow our own way of doing things and that is usually what I or you want to do instead of what me and my wife or both of you want. My point is that you have to communicate with your wife whenever you feel bad or when she feels bad. Communication and trust is the most important thing in a marriage next to love. Not saying your not doing that already, but those two things always play a part. If it ain't about money then it definitely has something to do with those two things. If you feel you have tried everything to work things out, try counseling or try and go out and meet some married people. You might find out others have the same problems you are experiencing and you can help grow your marriage. Praying works for me, but others need something different. You sound depressed to me in your posts and you probably need to get away for awhile. Come on out to piney point and get your mind off things. It might help.
PmoneyandTT
New Member
You say she is a homebody - did you know this before you married her? Think about the reasons you married her - and try focusing on that.. Maybe both of you should write a list down - one side - what you like about the other person. on the other side - what you dislike about the other person. Exchange lists - and talk about them.
Do you have any other married friends? Does she have any hobbies? If your decision is already to be unhappy - you will stay unhappy.. Your attitude about things - change your situation. Look at yourself - and what is it about you - that needs changing.. Sometimes its not always the other person.. It could be you.. Don't be prideful - humble yourself if you want your marriage to work.. Admit your weakness and faults to your wife.. It may change alot of things.. Help her get out of the shell you think she is in.
Do you have any other married friends? Does she have any hobbies? If your decision is already to be unhappy - you will stay unhappy.. Your attitude about things - change your situation. Look at yourself - and what is it about you - that needs changing.. Sometimes its not always the other person.. It could be you.. Don't be prideful - humble yourself if you want your marriage to work.. Admit your weakness and faults to your wife.. It may change alot of things.. Help her get out of the shell you think she is in.
travelingQ
Member
To start, let me thank all those who have offered input.
You know, I wish it were easier, and we have been seeing a counselor and making lists and all that. But let me give an example of what I mean. Not long ago she thought that I lost her dry cleaning, and the explosion that followed was one with red face, screaming, spittle flying and in the end, me being punched and kneed in the .. you know. While I was on the floor she kicked me. I am not a small man, but I would never hit a woman. An hour later I talked to her, she said I was an a**hole and she hated being married to me sometimes and I need to grow up. I asked her if her response was an adult one and got her to admit it wasn't. Then I asked if our son, who is almost two, screws up or makes a mistake will she react the same? She said she didn't know. Oh, I should add, the shirt that caused all this...was on the floor of her closet, it had fallen off the hanger.
I am no innocent babe in the woods, I mess up. And I married her because she was not like this, she was a caring, smart, driven and dedicated lady. Now, work is a strain and she lashes out like the incident above. And don't think that intimate moments are even in the equasion ... I bring that up and I am told men have a one-track mind and "there's too much we need to get done, work, you know, painting, cleaning, before fun!"
I have faults, I make mistakes. I also have feelings and desires. I love her, I really do, and my son is my life. I am just afraid I am going to go looking for someone on the side who at least will share intimacy, not work and abuse.
I am confused and very alone. Thank you all for hearing me out. You are nice people.
You know, I wish it were easier, and we have been seeing a counselor and making lists and all that. But let me give an example of what I mean. Not long ago she thought that I lost her dry cleaning, and the explosion that followed was one with red face, screaming, spittle flying and in the end, me being punched and kneed in the .. you know. While I was on the floor she kicked me. I am not a small man, but I would never hit a woman. An hour later I talked to her, she said I was an a**hole and she hated being married to me sometimes and I need to grow up. I asked her if her response was an adult one and got her to admit it wasn't. Then I asked if our son, who is almost two, screws up or makes a mistake will she react the same? She said she didn't know. Oh, I should add, the shirt that caused all this...was on the floor of her closet, it had fallen off the hanger.
I am no innocent babe in the woods, I mess up. And I married her because she was not like this, she was a caring, smart, driven and dedicated lady. Now, work is a strain and she lashes out like the incident above. And don't think that intimate moments are even in the equasion ... I bring that up and I am told men have a one-track mind and "there's too much we need to get done, work, you know, painting, cleaning, before fun!"
I have faults, I make mistakes. I also have feelings and desires. I love her, I really do, and my son is my life. I am just afraid I am going to go looking for someone on the side who at least will share intimacy, not work and abuse.
I am confused and very alone. Thank you all for hearing me out. You are nice people.
PmoneyandTT
New Member
violence isn't good for the child.. Well if you would like to find out somemore about marriage counsel - you can email me - and I will give you more in detail.. Believe me - I have been there - and done that.. The grass isn't greenier on the other side.. Sex with someone else will not solve your main problem.. Unless self gratification is what your really looking for.
travelingQ
Member
I should add, I failed to, that the baby is away with family for the week. We planned this week for his to see them and us to try to work on our problems. My fault for not adding that.
AnonymousPenguin
Lead Penguin
Well, the fact that both of you are seeing counseling and trying to resolve the problems is a good thing.
Sounds like you are not only in an unhappy marriage...but also in an abusive marriage. Maybe you should suggest that your wife go to some counseling to deal w/ her anger... this is probably something that she needs to deal with...something that she has to want to change within herself... let her know how much it scares you...let her know how much it hurts you... don't let her get away with it...especially if this is a regular pattern.
Now, you said that you asked your wife if she would treat your son the same way and that she said she didn't know. That tells me that your son is in an unsafe environment where one of his parents may abuse him.
Make your wife aware of the possibilities of seriously harming you or your child...
If you were to look for someone on the side, it will only make matters worse for your marriage.
If her violent behavior is a serious threat to you or your child, maybe leaving her is an option.
Are you a young couple?
Maybe spending time with other married couples will be healthy for your marriage...
I'm sure it is a lot more complicated and difficult to actually be in your situation. Do you guys ever go out to just enjoy each other's company? Go to dinner...do some of those things that you two did when things were good... I'm sure marriages are difficult...and there will be arguments...however, there should be "good times" to balance the bad times...
Anway, Good luck....
Sounds like you are not only in an unhappy marriage...but also in an abusive marriage. Maybe you should suggest that your wife go to some counseling to deal w/ her anger... this is probably something that she needs to deal with...something that she has to want to change within herself... let her know how much it scares you...let her know how much it hurts you... don't let her get away with it...especially if this is a regular pattern.
Now, you said that you asked your wife if she would treat your son the same way and that she said she didn't know. That tells me that your son is in an unsafe environment where one of his parents may abuse him.
Make your wife aware of the possibilities of seriously harming you or your child...
If you were to look for someone on the side, it will only make matters worse for your marriage.
If her violent behavior is a serious threat to you or your child, maybe leaving her is an option.
Are you a young couple?
Maybe spending time with other married couples will be healthy for your marriage...
I'm sure it is a lot more complicated and difficult to actually be in your situation. Do you guys ever go out to just enjoy each other's company? Go to dinner...do some of those things that you two did when things were good... I'm sure marriages are difficult...and there will be arguments...however, there should be "good times" to balance the bad times...
Anway, Good luck....
Basically reiterating what Penguin said:
Trav, I hate to bring this up but...have you considered divorce and getting on with your life? (Just be sure to get custody of the kid)
Most people will shrink in horror at my suggesting it but I believe that a destructive marriage is detrimental to the welfare of your child. He grows up seeing how you all do with each other, then grows up to think that that's the way it's supposed to be. So he goes on to his own volatile marriage, and so on... You really do owe it to your son to show him what a productive marital partnership is all about. Or, failing that, productive single-hood.
That said, counseling won't help you or your wife unless you <b>both</b> want to make some changes. Other than that it's a waste of time and money. Let me stress again that BOTH of you have to want it! But maybe counseling just for you would teach you how to deal with her anger better, so that's always an option.
But I would definitely think about her answer to your question of whether she'd abuse your son or not.
Trav, I hate to bring this up but...have you considered divorce and getting on with your life? (Just be sure to get custody of the kid)
Most people will shrink in horror at my suggesting it but I believe that a destructive marriage is detrimental to the welfare of your child. He grows up seeing how you all do with each other, then grows up to think that that's the way it's supposed to be. So he goes on to his own volatile marriage, and so on... You really do owe it to your son to show him what a productive marital partnership is all about. Or, failing that, productive single-hood.
That said, counseling won't help you or your wife unless you <b>both</b> want to make some changes. Other than that it's a waste of time and money. Let me stress again that BOTH of you have to want it! But maybe counseling just for you would teach you how to deal with her anger better, so that's always an option.
But I would definitely think about her answer to your question of whether she'd abuse your son or not.
PmoneyandTT
New Member
No wonder divorce rate is up so high.. What? 50% of all marriages.. Im not in his situation - so Im not going to tell him to divorce his wife - because of the example he gave us. There are two sides to ever single story. Whether she is wrong or you are wrong.
Giving up is the best solution to everyone's problem?.. The only way I would agree to divorce if one of you cheated. But if anger is the biggest problem your facing right now.. Then she has to want to change.. There is such thing as free counseling.. But like I said before - if you want that information - you have to email me. Im not going to post the information - this is a personal matter - and what you decide to do - should be discussed privately.. And just pointing you in the right direction doesn't have to be known to everyone..
Giving up is the best solution to everyone's problem?.. The only way I would agree to divorce if one of you cheated. But if anger is the biggest problem your facing right now.. Then she has to want to change.. There is such thing as free counseling.. But like I said before - if you want that information - you have to email me. Im not going to post the information - this is a personal matter - and what you decide to do - should be discussed privately.. And just pointing you in the right direction doesn't have to be known to everyone..
travelingQ
Member
I am not considering divorce, not yet. I don't believe in it. And you are right, there are two sides.
I am just conflicted in what is going on, you know?
Sometimes life is just like the Taliban...it sucks.
Thanks all. You are, believe it or not, a help.
I am just conflicted in what is going on, you know?
Sometimes life is just like the Taliban...it sucks.
Thanks all. You are, believe it or not, a help.
AnonymousPenguin
Lead Penguin
I think violence is a bigger problem than cheating.
TT,
You mentioned the free counseling... Is that just marital/relationship counseling?? ...I'm under a high stress situation and would consider free counseling to help me cope. Ofcouse I have no marital/relationship probs as I am not married... Well, let me know... I really am serious.
TT,
You mentioned the free counseling... Is that just marital/relationship counseling?? ...I'm under a high stress situation and would consider free counseling to help me cope. Ofcouse I have no marital/relationship probs as I am not married... Well, let me know... I really am serious.
PmoneyandTT
New Member
Yes - violence is a big issue.. Its almost like - which is the lesser evil.. With cheating - you can never take it back - and over a course of time trust can come back.. You have foiled the trust between you and your partner.. Its pure disrespect and dishonor.. With hitting - thats also disrespect and dishonor - but that comes from anger.. Im not justifying one is worse then the other.. Its just easier to know your partner has not shared him/herself with someone else.. I have been in relationships where the husband cheated.. NO collecting anything from me.. Its over - done - I will move on - and I have moved on.. I have been hit - and I hated it - I didn't give up my marriage right away - but eventually the hitting never stopped so I had to leave.
I did give a second chance on hitting - but I did not give any chances when it came to extra martial affairs.
Travel - how long have you and your wife been married? If under 5 years - those can be the roughest.. And I tell you - it isn't easy out there being single.. Not saying if worse came to worse thats what you have to do.. But don't go out there thinking - you will find this perfect women.. She doesn't exist.. Marriage is work - love is work - I wish people would stop staying its easy.. You want the marriage - you will work at it.. All I can say - from me going through marriage counseling - I have learned you have to change your inner-self first.. When your spouse starts to see a change in you - then they might change - they might not..
AP - Hey when you don't go to up North one weekend.. Come and go with me somewhere maybe you will enjoy it.. Maybe you won't.. I will email you privately..
I did give a second chance on hitting - but I did not give any chances when it came to extra martial affairs.
Travel - how long have you and your wife been married? If under 5 years - those can be the roughest.. And I tell you - it isn't easy out there being single.. Not saying if worse came to worse thats what you have to do.. But don't go out there thinking - you will find this perfect women.. She doesn't exist.. Marriage is work - love is work - I wish people would stop staying its easy.. You want the marriage - you will work at it.. All I can say - from me going through marriage counseling - I have learned you have to change your inner-self first.. When your spouse starts to see a change in you - then they might change - they might not..
AP - Hey when you don't go to up North one weekend.. Come and go with me somewhere maybe you will enjoy it.. Maybe you won't.. I will email you privately..
AnonymousPenguin
Lead Penguin
TT,
will do...
will do...
travelingQ
Member
TT,
We are celebrating our sixth anniversary this year. But because of the service (we are both out now) the first two years were apart. (Activated by the Guard and Reserves...we got out of active when we were married so we would not be apart! LOL Ironic...)
One of the things about the violence is.....I try to be a gentleman, but I don't know how long I can take being hit/kicked/etc without responding.
BTW - last night she sort of apologized. Kind of. Oh well.
We are celebrating our sixth anniversary this year. But because of the service (we are both out now) the first two years were apart. (Activated by the Guard and Reserves...we got out of active when we were married so we would not be apart! LOL Ironic...)
One of the things about the violence is.....I try to be a gentleman, but I don't know how long I can take being hit/kicked/etc without responding.
BTW - last night she sort of apologized. Kind of. Oh well.
SxyPrincess
New Member
WOW Travel, it sounds as though times are pretty tough for you. I've been in the same situation before and I can completely understand what you are going through. No matter how many times we tried to talk and work things out...the past was constantly getting brought up, which just made everything even more unbearable. Neither of us were willing to forgive or forget. There was A LOT of control and insecurity on his part. I felt as though I couldn't wipe my own a$$ w/out his permission. It wasn't a happy relationship, and even though we tried SEVERAL times to make it work...we just ended up hating each other in the end. 
We haven't talked to this day, and this was over 5 years ago. I've gotten over the whole experience and couldn't be happier today. You need to search for peace and harmony and do what makes YOU happy. 
We haven't talked to this day, and this was over 5 years ago. I've gotten over the whole experience and couldn't be happier today. You need to search for peace and harmony and do what makes YOU happy. AnonymousPenguin
Lead Penguin
Trav,
Glad to hear that she sorta apologized...
Glad to hear that she sorta apologized...
AnonymousPenguin
Lead Penguin
I think that most relationships turn sour and have too many problems if you let the relationship take care of itself...no matter how much love there is. What both of you need to realize is that it is both of you that make and define your relationship....It is hard work at times...but it wil be a more enjoyable ride for both of you. So, what you may need to ask your wife is...does she want to be in a happy HEALTHY marriage? does she want to be together forever?...If that is what <b>both</b> of you really want...then <b>both</b> of you need to work to accomplish those goals...the future of your marriage is in the hands of you two...it is hard work, but it's worth it to save your marriage and find happiness...
communicate...give in at times...do little things for the other...appreciate each other...
Like TT said...often times we expect so much out of the other person...but forget about "what can <b>I</b> do!"..."what can <b>I</b> do for my spouse!"..."what can <b>I</b> do for my marriage!"..."what do <b>I</b> need to stop doing??"...
communicate...give in at times...do little things for the other...appreciate each other...
Like TT said...often times we expect so much out of the other person...but forget about "what can <b>I</b> do!"..."what can <b>I</b> do for my spouse!"..."what can <b>I</b> do for my marriage!"..."what do <b>I</b> need to stop doing??"...