Unhappy marrige

vraiblonde

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
That's all well and good but I think if she's physically abusive you need to get out of the relationship.  Or maybe you'd rather wait until she hurts your son?

Like it or not, you're responsible for that child.  Your wife has already proved that she doesn't put his best interests at heart.  Someone has to.  That someone is you.
 
travelingQ

travelingQ

Member
perhaps i am making excuses, but she's never done this whith him around....
plus, leaving her and taking him is not so easy, i am trying to do everything i can to make it work....
it's all so hard, so very hard
 
vraiblonde

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
Life's hard, Dude - but only if you make it that way.

You face a dilemma and I don't envy you.  At least you're realistic about it which sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

Have you considered a seperation, just to get your heads together?  Sometimes just getting away from the situation for awhile can clear your mind.  Stay with a buddy or a relative for awhile - go to counseling and work on your relatioship when it's not smacking you in the face every day (no pun intended).  Date and remember what you liked about each other without the day to day hassle.  Work back into it.

Just me being a busybody :smile:

What I <i>definitely</i> wouldn't do is have an affair, no matter how frustrated you are.  That will only make the situation worse.

You sound like a sharp guy and I'll bet you already know the answer to your problem.
 
Christy

Christy

b*tch rocket
Q, let me give you another possibility (from my own experience).  You mentioned  that your wife is under a lot of stress from work.

I for one can attest to going a little bit psycho at times from juggling responsibilities of work, responsibilities of wife, and responsibilities of mother.  You wind up feeling that you are failing in every aspect.  The  first responsibility that suffers is being a good wife.  After all, you've gotta be able to pay the bills so you can't slack up on the job, and you can't very well neglect your child, so by default the husband is on the bottom of the totem pole (unless of course you are Bill Gates and your wife is simply working for fun, then my theory is shot).

As far as what you can do to make it better, that's a tough one.  It all depends on personality.  We women are tricky sometimes.  Most of the time when my pressure valve is ready to go, my husband just lets me go off ranting and raving (he'd probably nail me right back though if I hit him), when I turn it on him he just looks at me and says "I'm not your enemy, I'm the one that loves you and always will", then the insanity fog on my brain lifts a little and I feel better.

Marriage is tough, even good ones.  I am always in awe of folks who can stick it out and still really love each other when they are old and gray.  Or as my husband puts it, "hobbling around and having to wipe each other's rear ends." :)
 
Christy

Christy

b*tch rocket
Sxy, Ugh!  He is on my bad side today, so he needs no encouragement that he is sweet!  (He reads these things).  What he is, is lucky to be blessed with such a Goddess for a wife! :)
 
A

AnonymousPenguin

Lead Penguin
It is extremely sweet...and true!

Sometimes we take out so much of our anger on those that are the ones we shouldn't be taking it out on!!

His response probably works well too...after all, how can you continue to rant and rave after such a remark... :cheesy:

However, physical violence is on a completely different level from screaming and yelling...
You can't just be sweet to someone that is physically being violent with you...if anything, it will give them more dominance...  There is no reason you should accept and just deal with violence either...  Hitting back isn't the solution either...if you do that, you have two abusive people living together.... :eek:  
If you are determined to stay in the relationship, you have to make the person realize what they are doing and how wrong it is.  Sometimes, an abusive person will not realize the implications of their actions until they lose you.  If that is the case, separation is the best choice.
 
Trav,
Hopefully you can make your wife realize how bad it is to be violent with a mate...and change her ways....before someone is seriously harmed or the relationship ends.  Good luck!  Be strong!
 
V

Vicki

Member
Lots of good advise, especially from vraiblonde - just separate for a while to get your heads straight and all that...
I can tell you from personal experience, that no matter what you do, how hard you try, if you two are two pieces of a different puzzle, marriage won't work, no matter what. Whatever you two decide, try hardest at being cordial to one another, for the sake of your kid, an ugly divorce/separation will only hurt him and in the long run you will both benefit from being considerate to one another through the whole ordeal.
 
Christy

Christy

b*tch rocket
Divorce is brutal on a kid, even in the best of circumstances. (mom and dad being civil to each other)
 
travelingQ

travelingQ

Member
Christy -- that quote of yours could apply to some marrigages as well.  :)  Just trying to inject a bit of levity.
 
vraiblonde

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
Shoot, Trav beat me to it!

To expand, nothing is more detrimental to a child than to grow up in an abusive household with parents who are constantly at each others' throats.  The kid grows up basing their idea of relationships on what they saw growing up and can carry that dysfunction throughout their whole life.  Trav's kid grows up thinking that all women are psychos so he seeks out what he considers "normal" and can't have a relationship with a non-combative woman.  Or he becomes abusive himself in his desire to have the upper hand in his relationships.

Listen up because this sh*t cost me $100 a hour to learn!  Trav, you can't change your wife's behavior.  Only she can do that. The only thing you can do is change your <i>reaction</i> to her behavior.  If you tolerate her abuse, she has no reason to change it, right?  So tolerance isn't the answer.

Understanding why she does this is a good first step.  Get to the heart of her frustration and anger.  How did she grow up?  What was her parents' relationship like?

But her saying she's sorry doesn't cut it.  "Sorry" means nothing.  A true heartfelt apology is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and a promise to not do it again, not merely words to pacify the wronged.  So you might ask her if she's really sorry about the state of your marriage.  If she is, she'll be willing to do something about it.  If not, there's your answer.
 
P

PmoneyandTT

New Member
Since Blondie keeps telling you to give up.. Why don't you and her go out on a date... Maybe finding love from another women will be your answer.. I really don't think you should discuss your unhappiness with people - that really don't know the whole situation - we only can go by what you are posting.. And that really isn't fair to your wife - who your suppose to respect - dispite what we think - or what you are telling us.. I just think its really sad - that giving up is what your looking to do - whether you think about it now or later..

I have known women to hit on their boyfriends or husbands because they didn't like something they did or said.. But maybe no one on this forum has; but I know it goes on.. This world is so disfunctional.. Marriage isn't a bed full of roses.. If you thought that going into it - I understand why you are so stressful now.
 
Christy

Christy

b*tch rocket
vrai,  Oh I agree with everything you are saying.  Been there done that.  I do know I've worked ten billion times harder at making the second marriage work than I did during the first.  Lessons learned I suppose.

Kids desperately need to grow up in a stable environment, where they see that their parents love each other and treat each other with respect.  

My husband and I made complete A$$'s of ourselves one time in front of the kids with a big nasty fight, and our kids will never let us forget it (thank God!).  Strange how sometimes it's your kids that have to make you aware of how childish you can be.

If your wife doesn't put forth any effort to make things better, it is for the best that you cut your losses and move on before it gets even uglier.
 
vraiblonde

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
Christy, you and your honey only did that <i>one</i> time?  Man, Larry and I go after it every couple of months or so!  He's lucky I'm so patient or it would be more often. The kids come up and go, "Are you and Daddy getting divorced?"  And I tell them, "No, but I may KILL him!"  But we don't duke it out, just yell.  So my kids will probably end up on a shrink couch sometime in the future.  When he pi$$es me off too bad, I call his sisters and <i>they'll</i> read him the riot act! :razz:

TT, sorry - if I go out on a date then <i>I'll</i> be posting in this forum about my unhappy marriage!

I think this gives Trav a good outlet for his frustration.  He's anonymous here so nobody really knows his business.  At least nobody who counts, anyway.  Heck, they could be your neighbors or best friends and you'd never know.

I can't even imagine what Larry might do if I slugged him one, especially considering he's a foot taller than me and outweighs me by 100 pounds.  But I'm not a hitting type - just a yeller - so we'll probably never find out.  My son said some of the other guys get upset when the DIs yell at them and bark orders.  He told them, "That's nothing.  You oughta hear my Mom go off!"
 
Christy

Christy

b*tch rocket
Vrai, Oh we argue and bicker A LOT!  The one that horrified my kids was a little different, I'd landed a direct hit on Steve's head with a salt shaker.  It was one of those things where I threw it wanting to hit him upside the head with it, but knowing that I can't throw straight to save my life, so there was no way it was actually going to hit, but it hit it's intended target.  Left  a massive goose egg right above his eye.

We all stopped and looked on in horror!  I had that horrible feeling, like when you're a kid and you know you've just done something unforgivable, (like busting up your mom's antique china or something) and you just know you are in for it, and there is no escape.  That's exactly what it was like, and I think my kids were thinking... "Oh no, mom's dead".  I did the wise thing and gathered up the kids and went to bed (sleeping with one eye open, for fear of retaliation).    

It's funny to talk about now, but when it happened it wasn't.  I've still got family pulling me aside at family get togethers asking "So what's the story with you giving Steve a black eye".  Word has traveled from Coast to Coast.  I don't think I'll ever live it down.  My grandkids will probably be asking me about it!
 
travelingQ

travelingQ

Member
Christy,

Thanks for worrying.  It has been a long, interesting week.  We had a very long, very deep late into the night talk and put everything on the table.  I will say, that in the days since the talk, about 10 now,things are as good as they have been in along time, like since we met.  I am hopig we hav turned a corner.
 
Christy

Christy

b*tch rocket
Q, glad to hear that.  Good luck to both of you and, keep us posted.

The people on here are great.  This group of "strangers" have helped me through a few rough times.
 
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