Dates with an ex lover

[Dakota]

Okay, here is the deal. Man goes out on dates with a women he used to have sex with but is involved with somebody else. He says they are 'just friends,' and claims to be happy with his S.O.

How would you feel if you were the women the man was now involved with? Men, how would you feel if your girlfriend was having dinner/lunch dates and doing things with somebody they used to have sex with?

My husband and I tend to agree in opinion on this but we were out with some others who had a difference of opinion so I'm curious what the majority stands on this issue.


Originally deleted from Parenting and Children... need more coffee

 

[Chasey_Lane]

I think each individual/relationship is going to have a different side and one isn't necessarily right (or wrong) over the other.

If it were me and my husband, I'd have no problem with it. But I also give him the "you are a loser" speech if he goes to a strip club w/friends and doesn't get a lap dance.

 

[vraiblonde]

It would depend on the female friend (and the guy, too, but that goes without saying - if you can't trust him you shouldn't be with him in the first place). Do they invite the SO to come along when they get together? Does the female friend also have a friendship with the SO? Or does she act like a bitch or try to exclude the SO? Does she call him all the time and demand his attention when she knows he's cuddled with his honey?

I'm good friends with men I used to date but I'm very careful not to stomp on their girlfriend's toes. I have also seen women pull a My Best Friend's Wedding. So it can go either way.

 

[Tilted]

I think it depends too much on the details of a given situation (e.g. the character of the ongoing camaraderie between them, what the 'dates' consist of), for me to have a substantive opinion on the practice in general.

I have exes that I would hope a current girlfriend would feel comfortable with me seeing occasionally. I also have exes that I wouldn't expect a current girlfriend to feel comfortable with me (intentionally) seeing - exes that I myself would think best left unseen. And the same divergence exists with regard to exes of girlfriends I've had. There were some where the nature of the ex relationship would have made it seem fine for them to see each other, and others where it wouldn't have.

I don't see the practice as taboo on principle, or as necessarily problematic, or as necessarily a cause for concern. It's like so many adult decisions, there isn't an easy standard answer that can be applied in a rote manner to every such situation. But most of the time, being in a specific situation we get a pretty clear sense of what would be right or wrong in that particular situation.

Of course, from the doer's perspective (i.e. from the perspective of the person that is seeing their ex), the primary consideration when assessing the appropriateness of the situation should be whether the current partner feels comfortable with it.

 

[vraiblonde]

Of course, from the doer's perspective (i.e. from the perspective of the person that is seeing their ex), the primary consideration when assessing the appropriateness of the situation should be whether the current partner feels comfortable with it.

Now this brings up an interesting question:

If you have a female best pal that you hang out with, purely platonic, no hanky panky whatsoever, and your girlfriend had a problem with it, would you dump the friend or the girl?

Ideally the female pal backs off voluntarily, but let's say she didn't?

 

[JeJeTe]

Now this brings up an interesting question:

If you have a female best pal that you hang out with, purely platonic, no hanky panky whatsoever, and your girlfriend had a problem with it, would you dump the friend or the girl?

Ideally the female pal backs off voluntarily, but let's say she didn't?

Why is the ideal situation for the female pal to back off? :shrug:

If the female friend came along before the girlfriend, is she now just supposed to now back off because he got himself a girlfriend who isn't comfortable with the situation?

 

[Tilted]

Now this brings up an interesting question:

If you have a female best pal that you hang out with, purely platonic, no hanky panky whatsoever, and your girlfriend had a problem with it, would you dump the friend or the girl?

I'm gonna have to repeat myself.

It's like so many adult decisions, there isn't an easy standard answer that can be applied in a rote manner to every such situation. But most of the time, being in a specific situation we get a pretty clear sense of what would be right or wrong in that particular situation.

If the reason the current feels uncomfortable is because she's just insecure in general (i.e. this is likely to be a recurring problem with no good solution), that would probably make it more likely that the current would soon be an ex. On the other hand, if the current was uncomfortable because of some failing on my part - e.g., because I'd handled things poorly, given her reason not to trust me, hadn't done a good job letting her know how much she meant to me and given her enough reason to feel solid about our relationship - then that might call for a different outcome. Either way, it wouldn't really be a choice between current and ex, it would be an assessment of why the current relationship wasn't healthy enough and a decision as to whether it could be made so and was worth the effort to make it so.

 

[KDENISE977]

Okay, my opinion, and ONLY my opinion. My husband and I have an agreement, we don't socialize with anyone we've had sexual relations with. We have BOTH agreed we don't ever worry that either will stray or ever cheat, we have a very strong bond, we did since we first met. We consider it to be out of respect for each other and our relationship. Again, it's not a trust issue, it's a "this person has seen you nekkid and vice versa" and we think that is merely a respect thing. I had a VERY close male friend who was also a past sexual partner and he'd call me on the weekends and even if it was to talk about his current girlfriends or whatever, I could see it made my husband uncomfortable, he never told me to stop talking to him or anything, but it was out of respect because I knew how it made him feel.

 

[ZARA]

Tough question. Too many "If's" to consider.

My outlook, kinda skewed. My ex-husband and I have a great relationship and have lunch together. I invited him and his wife to our son's 16th Bday party and they gladly flew in to celebrate with us. I have offered him the use of my spare rooms for when our son graduates so he doesn't have to waste money on a hotel room. I am also friends with his wife.

I wish my husband had some kind of working relationship with his ex-wife instead of using me as a go between. I have a decent relationship with her too. She has also stayed at my house over night while traveling but only because my husband was on debt. Had he been home it would have been a NONO because he hates her to the Nth degree.

Ex-girlfriends & boyfriends- Need to stay in the past. I have yet to meet one that has not attempted to weasel their way back in. If they are Ex's why do they feel the need to stick around and linger? It's time for them to move on with their lives. Just My Opinion.

 

[vraiblonde]

If the female friend came along before the girlfriend, is she now just supposed to now back off because he got himself a girlfriend who isn't comfortable with the situation?

Yes. She should have enough respect for her friend and his relationship to let them have their space. Then the SO might get more comfortable, or it might not work out between them - anything can happen and it doesn't mean you've lost your friend forever. It just means you're being respectful of his relationship.

 

[Larry Gude]

Okay, here is the deal. Man goes out on dates with a women he used to have sex with but is involved with somebody else. He says they are 'just friends,' and claims to be happy with his S.O.

How would you feel if you were the women the man was now involved with? Men, how would you feel if your girlfriend was having dinner/lunch dates and doing things with somebody they used to have sex with?

My husband and I tend to agree in opinion on this but we were out with some others who had a difference of opinion so I'm curious what the majority stands on this issue.


Originally deleted from Parenting and Children... need more coffee

I am pondering if there is a question about any other subject that could have more 'depends' to it than this one.

 

[JeJeTe]

Yes. She should have enough respect for her friend and his relationship to let them have their space. Then the SO might get more comfortable, or it might not work out between them - anything can happen and it doesn't mean you've lost your friend forever. It just means you're being respectful of his relationship.

Hmm...I think it should be the other way around. The new girlfriend should be respectful of the friendships the guy has already formed and that have been there before and maybe after her.

But that's with the assumption that the friend and guy have never had a romantic relationship. If that has occured then yes, the friend should back off because she realizes it's awkward.

 

[Dakota]

I think if you have children with a previous lover(s), the standard changes.... there needs to be a strong relationship between the parents, or the best that can be expected... so lunch/dinner dates with somebody you have children with should be excluded from this conversation.

 

[Tilted]

Ideally the female pal backs off voluntarily, but let's say she didn't?

To respond to this part you added: I don't necessarily agree. If the problem was on the side of the current (e.g. she was naturally insecure or she was just a bitch) or because of a problem in the current relationship, then I probably wouldn't want the ex-now-pal to back off. I'd expect her to, in the former case, question (to me) whether I should stay in the relationship with this particular current or, in the latter case, help me figure out what I could do to help make the current relationship healthy (or, possibly, advise me that I probably wouldn't be able to). Maybe I'd want her to spend some time with me and the current together so the current could see the nature of my connection to the ex.

 

[vraiblonde]

Hmm...I think it should be the other way around. The new girlfriend should be respectful of the friendships the guy has already formed and that have been there before and maybe after her.

See, but the girlfriend should at least have the opportunity to be #1 in his life so he can practice that "forsaking all others" business in case things work out and they end up getting married. Ideally ideally nobody has a problem, but if there is one the friend should step back gracefully and play it by ear. No sense in tweaking her jealousy. Just my opinion.

 

[sockgirl77]

See, but the girlfriend should at least have the opportunity to be #1 in his life so he can practice that "forsaking all others" business in case things work out and they end up getting married. Ideally ideally nobody has a problem, but if there is one the friend should step back gracefully and play it by ear. No sense in tweaking her jealousy. Just my opinion.

If the girlfriend is so jealous and untrusting then it's not meant to be. I feel that you should not be in a relationship if you cannot trust the person. The jealousy is her issue, not the boyfriend's or his gal pal's. But, that's just my not-so-humble opinion.

 

[Dakota]

I have to get moving because I have so many things to do today and my husband is getting on my case about getting dressed (that rarely happens, BTW)

Anyway...

Some of the opinions we heard were...

1) The person is holding on to the past relationship in hopes that it is a possibility for them if the current one doesn't work out

2) No man is going to want to hang out with a women he isn't thinking about having sex with and if you think it is for the conversation, you're naive.

3) things can happen and it is best to avoid that situation so you don't end up doing something you regret later since we are all human.

4) the only reason a person would hang out with the ex is so they can brag about how happy they are with the current one. See what you COULD Have had type thing I guess.

5) it is disrespectful

6) if you do go out, no drinking because that implies romance.

7) meetings should always be public and never private (meaning at that person's home)

 

[JeJeTe]

See, but the girlfriend should at least have the opportunity to be #1 in his life so he can practice that "forsaking all others" business in case things work out and they end up getting married. Ideally ideally nobody has a problem, but if there is one the friend should step back gracefully and play it by ear. No sense in tweaking her jealousy. Just my opinion.

I can see your point on this. I don't think a lotwomen handle that as well as males do. For instance, guy gets in new relationship and goes through the whole infatuation phase. I think guy friends are more forgiving of this stage than a female friend of the guy.

 

[KDENISE977]

OR
Life is too short, if you need to question a relationship THAT MUCH, screw it, it's not worth all the hassle or explanations.

 

[Peepaw95]

I am pondering if there is a question about any other subject that could have more 'depends' to it than this one.

Incontanance(sp)?