sunnyside393
New Member
Energy vampires suck.
Kudos to you all for your strength.
Estranged from parents
- Thread starter kwillia
- Start date
Kudos to you all for your strength.
ZARA
Registered User
Today is the first time I saw this post. And I was getting ready to send you a PM. Reading your post made me want to hug you tighter than I have in the past because I know the pain and I know your idea is fabulous. Boy do I have stories! My first thought though was that you are a much stronger woman than I. I was 14 when I had had enough o my mother's crap and left. I was 24 before she was completely removed from my life. It has been 13 yrs and the saddest part of all is that I still miss having a Mom & Dad. I grew up with the shadow of a mom but never the real thing. Maybe in my next life I will be Blessed with a loving family from the day I am born.
BadGirl
I am so very blessed
ZARA
Registered User
Thank you
I envy people who have terrific parents and loving families and hope they appreciate how lucky they are. And I admire you for being so wise at such a young age; it's made you a healthier person and able to form adult relationships that weren't a replay of the crazy parent situation.
jaie
So happy!
Did you ever set up the forum Vrail?
No because next thing you know someone's personal story will become forum taunting fodder and that would suck.
jaie
So happy!
I didn't think about that.
acommondisaster
Active Member
I kind of wish you had. I recently was witness and reluctant participant to some of the most mind-screwing (insert a stronger word there) mothering that I could have imagined. Spent one of the worst weekends of my life trying to console and reason with someone who was being berated and browbeaten by their "doting" vicious, vindictive, jealous, control freak of a mother. My heart was breaking for this person. I never heard of NPD - I just suspected that she had to be bi-polar, but she might well fit the NPD bill, too.
I wonder if this behavior carries over to the children who have to put up with these women, and how the cycle stops, because I know for a fact that the grandmother is cut from the same horrid cloth.
I wonder if this behavior carries over to the children who have to put up with these women, and how the cycle stops, because I know for a fact that the grandmother is cut from the same horrid cloth.
ZARA
Registered User
Thank you
I envy people who have terrific parents and loving families and hope they appreciate how lucky they are. And I admire you for being so wise at such a young age; it's made you a healthier person and able to form adult relationships that weren't a replay of the crazy parent situation.
I envy people with loving parents too. Not in a bad way, I'm not jealous of them, it just makes me feel the loss more deeply. On the other hand, it has made me a very aware, in-tuned, and conscientious parent. I became the parent I wished I had.
I didn't walk away because I was wise. I walked away because I knew if I stayed, one of us was going to die and I was afraid it was going to be me. I have a very strong sense of self-preservation.
Also, I could not tolerate the BS any more. I could not handle the emotional pain, physical pain, or the rage any more. What that woman did to me...she almost destroyed me. I spent years studying psychology just so I could sort through all the emotions I felt and to put things in proper perspective.
Does it take a stronger person to walk away or to stay, endure, and try to make things better? I honestly don't know. I have always wrestled with that idea. I have always considered myself weak for walking away but in the same step, I only have one life here, right now, and I want to enjoy and learn as much as I can before it is time for me to move on to the next. I don't want to waste one moment because time flies by so fast.
For me walking away is easy. I have a breaking point and once I reach that point, my emotions die. I don't feel sadness or guilt, just acceptance that I am unhappy with the person and that I can't change the person, so it is time for me to move on and begin a new chapter in my life. *edit: I also feel rage when I walk away. Emotionally speaking, that's my breaking point. You and I could have some fascinating discussions on that subject. However, it's not meant for public forums.
I have zero tolerance for BS.
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Railroad
Routinely Derailed
My family was quite dysfunctional and dad was a tyrant who beat me with a piece of tabletop frequently. I still have problems resulting from all those beatings. I turned out to be a rough bastage too as dads go, and my job took me away from the kids frequently, so that there was little time to give them the love and happy memories they needed so much. I was estranged from my dad, and my son has now removed himself from our little family as much as he can without completely slamming the door on his mother and sister (I am definitely out of his life). I think that supportive and loving parents fundamentally affect the course of one's life, most times for better, rarely for worse. But not having experienced that, I wouldn't really know.
ZARA
Registered User
Your son isn't dead yet. You aren't dead yet. You acknowledge some of your faults. Face the rest and own up to them. Own up to them to your son. Give him a chance to heal and maybe, just maybe, you can fix what you broke and what was broken in you long before you became a parent.
Facing yourself in the mirror, bearing all your sins and short comings, and being honest with yourself instead of passing blame is the hardest part. But once you do that you can see what areas need the most work and you can begin to change who you were into who you want to be.
I use to hate who I was. So I changed into someone I can be proud of. All of us have less-than-desirable personality traits but that doesn't mean we have to act on them.
Railroad
Routinely Derailed
Your son isn't dead yet. You aren't dead yet. You acknowledge some of your faults. Face the rest and own up to them. Own up to them to your son. Give him a chance to heal and maybe, just maybe, you can fix what you broke and what was broken in you long before you became a parent.
Facing yourself in the mirror, bearing all your sins and short comings, and being honest with yourself instead of passing blame is the hardest part. But once you do that you can see what areas need the most work and you can begin to change who you were into who you want to be.
I use to hate who I was. So I changed into someone I can be proud of. All of us have less-than-desirable personality traits but that doesn't mean we have to act on them.
Yup, did all that. Now the ball's in his court.
ZARA
Registered User
It will take time. Be patient and don't give up hope. And most importantly, continue to improve on the person you want to be.
Railroad
Routinely Derailed
Thank you!! That's the plan, ma'am. One day at a time.
Thank you!! That's the plan, ma'am. One day at a time.
And honestly, he may never come around. You need to make changes for yourself so you can be a better person with a happier life, not for someone else.
I do not think, I know, that my mother will never change her behavior. It would stun me if she ever even acknowledged her behavior, let alone took ownership of it. I speak to her now but it's on my terms, and when she starts in I simply bid her goodbye and hang up. I choose not to put myself in any position where she can make me unhappy, and I am under no obligation to deal with her manipulation.
A few halfassed apologies don't erase the slate.
Railroad
Routinely Derailed
VERY well said. For the first time in my life, I'm in this s**t for myself, and those who wish can come along and accompany me, or not. I'm no island, and I do thrive on companionship, but I can choose my companions, too. I know, this is drifting off topic, let me pull it back onto it.
Amends have been made, and are being made, with my ex-wife and kids the best I can within practical constraints - including the constraint of whether or not they allow the opportunity to do so. My ex-wife "gets it" and I think my daughter might. Up to the son to choose his own course.
I have my own life to make, and although it's brand new and involves behaviors which are new to me, it can be fun if I choose to make it that way. So far, so good!