Is breaking your wedding vows...

[Larry Gude]

So...

No, reason good enough! No one deserves to be cheated on.

Would you say that once it's happend, there is no way, no reason, to save the marriage?

 

[Chasey_Lane]

Would you say that once it's happend, there is no way, no reason, to save the marriage?

IMO, it depends on the person/couple. Personally, I would have a hard time being able to trust my partner. I would question every phone call, email and even "late" working nights. I don't think a relationship could have the stability it once did before the affair.

 

[dems4me]

Would you say that once it's happend, there is no way, no reason, to save the marriage?

Personally, I don't think there is anyway to get over something like that. Cheating cuts to the bone... it will always be in the back of your mind and there will always be suspicions, insecurities and other feelings of annomosity that has the potential in itself to wreck a marriage that is trying to overcome the indiscretions of the past. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt when it's completely obliterated by the hurtful act of being cheated on by your spouse. :shrug:

 

[crabcake]

Would you say that once it's happend, there is no way, no reason, to save the marriage?

I don't think it's impossible to save a marriage where adultery has been a factor. If the person who strayed did so solely for a piece of azz and it was just sex (no emotional attachment), and both spouses understand that, I can see it being a resolveable matter. :shrug:

 

[Wickedwrench]

Personally, I don't think there is anyway to get over something like that. Cheating cuts to the bone... it will always be in the back of your mind and there will always be suspicions, insecurities and other feelings of annomosity that has the potential in itself to wreck a marriage that is trying to overcome the indiscretions of the past. Sometimes trust can't be rebuilt when it's completely obliterated by the hurtful act of being cheated on by your spouse. :shrug:

There is always hope prior to the entire truth coming out. Once I learned the whole story I lost all hope of fixing it. There was too much backstabbing going on and the battle turned into an ugly lawyer fight way too fast.

It hurt like hell for a while. There are better days coming.

 

[K_Jo]

I don't think it's impossible to save a marriage where adultery has been a factor. If the person who strayed did so solely for a piece of azz and it was just sex (no emotional attachment), and both spouses understand that, I can see it being a resolveable matter. :shrug:

I've heard of people doing that, but I doubt I could ever get over it. I'd never again believe anything he told me. It makes me sick to think about it.

 

[dems4me]

There is always hope prior to the entire truth coming out. Once I learned the whole story I lost all hope of fixing it. There was too much backstabbing going on and the battle turned into an ugly lawyer fight way too fast.

It hurt like hell for a while. There are better days coming.

Well I think that's where all of this stands... truth and honesty versus cover ups and exposed lies. If you are forthright and honest about everything, it shows some sign that you are trying to work it out and work through it. If you catch the person in lie after lie and coverup after coverup... you will have a snowballs chance in Hell of making it work again... trust is one of the key ingredients needed for relationships and without it... there will always be strife, suspicions, disbelief and ensuing bitter and very hurtful arguments, etc... :shrug:

Remember -- Stones are thrown from hurting. If the person wasn't hurting they wouldn't be throwing their stones (sarcasim, name calling or whatever at you) - it is because they are hurting.

 

[bresamil]

I don't think it's impossible to save a marriage where adultery has been a factor. If the person who strayed did so solely for a piece of azz and it was just sex (no emotional attachment), and both spouses understand that, I can see it being a resolveable matter. :shrug:

I know that many feel this way - that they only feel truly cheated on if there is an emotional involvement.
I don't. If My SO felt no more fro our vows to forsake all others that they could pick up some chick like milk at the store - its over. Its a sign of a much bigger problem.
I've always said if you step out don't come back, because if I find out you'll wish you'd stayed away. And I would expect my SO to feel the same way towards me if I would to act in such a cavelier fashion.

 

[Wickedwrench]

I've heard of people doing that, but I doubt I could ever get over it. I'd never again believe anything he told me. It makes me sick to think about it.

I never did. She begged forgiveness but all I could think of is how many months I lost sleep...............................how much time I had spent with my head in a toilet with a case of nerves.....................how bare the house I came home to looked........................how many lies were told to me to cover her ass.


I'd rather die lonely than to go through that again.

 

[Wickedwrench]

And how many times I stood there getting accused of so many things that I knew were lies created to make herself feel better about her actions.

 

[dems4me]

And how many times I stood there getting accused of so many things that I knew were lies created to make herself feel better about her actions.

read my previous post about stones being thrown Also, sometimes when the guilty party is cheating on you... for some inane reason, they feel the need to think you are cheating on them as well and they will be the ones accusing you of cheating... I guess it's how they rationalize their behavior... i.e., your cheating on me (albeit you are not) thereby I can cheat on you.

 

[crabcake]

I've heard of people doing that, but I doubt I could ever get over it. I'd never again believe anything he told me. It makes me sick to think about it.

Having been cheated on in my former marriage, then applying some "grown-up" logic to it, and looking at it from an outsider's point of view and analyzing the reasons he cheated, it wasn't for love; it was for sex and a plethora of his own phsycological issues (his family history crap).

There are a lot of reasons people 'cheat'; it's not always b/c they don't love their spouse. I'm not saying it's right, or that I condone it. But once I understood that, it made it a lot easier to not remain pissed off at him for it and move on in my own life vs. dwell on the past. Not understanding the reasons is why so many people remain pissed off at their exes and calling them a marital dirtbag ... which they are, but it's what causes them to hold on to the grudges created as a result. Once you can let go of the grudge and understand the "why's", I think you can re-open your heart to that person and together, work things out -- if you're both committed to the notion. It won't be easy, and a counselor may be necessary, but I don't think it's impossible.

 

[Wickedwrench]

There are a lot of reasons people 'cheat'; it's not always b/c they don't love their spouse. .

And if there reasons aren't really good ones they will make a few up!

 

[Sassygirl]

Would you say that once it's happend, there is no way, no reason, to save the marriage?

I tried to save the marriage.I loved my ex husband, and I tried for our son as well. But the cheating in the past and work on our future together. But I just couldn't let it go. I always had questions in my mind over everything he did w/o me. I never actually questioned him, but it was there. Then he started in on me, where have you been, with who, why so long blah blah....I just got tired of it. I wasn't happy and I wasn't making the people around me happy.
Notice my sig, In a happy life now! I have a wonderful b/f we get along great. What I feel is a very important part of a relationship, communication! We have that! I have had so many people tell me what a different person I am now. How I always seem to have a smile on my face. The weight of worrying is gone.

 

[citysherry]

I don't think it's impossible to save a marriage where adultery has been a factor. If the person who strayed did so solely for a piece of azz and it was just sex (no emotional attachment), and both spouses understand that, I can see it being a resolveable matter. :shrug:

There is no justification, reason or excuse for adultery. For me, its a deal breaker.

 

[Wickedwrench]

I tried to save the marriage.I loved my ex husband, and I tried for our son as well. But the cheating in the past and work on our future together. But I just couldn't let it go. I always had questions in my mind over everything he did w/o me. I never actually questioned him, but it was there. Then he started in on me, where have you been, with who, why so long blah blah....I just got tired of it. I wasn't happy and I wasn't making the people around me happy.
Notice my sig, In a happy life now! I have a wonderful b/f we get along great. What I feel is a very important part of a relationship, communication! We have that! I have had so many people tell me what a different person I am now. How I always seem to have a smile on my face. The weight of worrying is gone.

Life is so much better when you're not waiting for the next dagger to hit you in the back.

 

[crabcake]

And if there reasons aren't really good ones they will make a few up!

The difference between honesty and is usually age/maturity, IMO.

 

[Wickedwrench]

The difference between honesty and is usually age/maturity, IMO.

Ya got that right.

 

[aahhdrink]

Having been cheated on in my former marriage, then applying some "grown-up" logic to it, and looking at it from an outsider's point of view and analyzing the reasons he cheated, it wasn't for love; it was for sex and a plethora of his own phsycological issues (his family history crap).

There are a lot of reasons people 'cheat'; it's not always b/c they don't love their spouse. I'm not saying it's right, or that I condone it. But once I understood that, it made it a lot easier to not remain pissed off at him for it and move on in my own life vs. dwell on the past. Not understanding the reasons is why so many people remain pissed off at their exes and calling them a marital dirtbag ... which they are, but it's what causes them to hold on to the grudges created as a result. Once you can let go of the grudge and understand the "why's", I think you can re-open your heart to that person and together, work things out -- if you're both committed to the notion. It won't be easy, and a counselor may be necessary, but I don't think it's impossible.

 

[crabcake]

There is no justification, reason or excuse for adultery. For me, its a deal breaker.

That's your prerogative. :shrug: Like I said, I'm not saying I condone it, approve of it, et al. I'm just saying -- personally -- I think it can be overcome under certain circumstances.