Leaping into bed harms relationships

[Larry Gude]

How in the heck are you guys getting "must wait for marriage" out of that article...

That's the implication. :shrug:

And I don't necessarily disagree. My point is more that guys, once we start becoming invested, we're looking more and more for the payoff. Not to be crude about it but, that's the point.

Guys are all kinds of cooperative and understanding and good listeners and compromise-ers if there is some ass involved. So, then, we're invested, met your mom, starting to remember your siblings name and then...then...THEN!!!!!!

Thud.

No real sexual compatibility. No fire in yer soul. So, now what? You like her well enough. And her folks and brother. Get along, for the most part, about money and day to day stuff so, oh well. One of lifes little compromises, right?

Over time, the allure, the idea of magical sex wears on a fella as, I am sure, it does on a woman. Now what? Well, her brother, you never really liked him in the first place. Her mom is annoying and you don't really see eye to eye on money and day to day stuff.

I am NOT saying sex should be, at all, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. I am saying that, at least with guys, our objectivity is somewhat suspect when we are wooing. Take time, yes but, balance. Thorough review.

I am also not saying sex on the first date. What could be more boring? Great sex comes from the building of the relationship, just like all the rest but, just like finding out about other compatibilities, a romp shouldn't be too far down the road.

So to speak.

Life is tough. In our modern age, the obscuring of traditional roles, responsibilities, dependencies, are you really supposed to just deal with it, especially if not enough die diligence went in on the front end. Including sex.

 

[Larry Gude]

I think what Larry was getting at is that waiting until everything else is in place before having sex doesn't necessarily make a satisfying relationship, either. I suspect the women in the article are reacting to the failed relationship attempts more than anything else, and perhaps only think that waiting would have been better when it most likely would have ended the same way.

OK, so, you just saved me 2,000 words.

 

[Larry Gude]

Okay... I'll see if I can get to this today... In a nutshell, I believe you can liken it to the chemical and neurological bond develops when one becomes a mother or a father. It's that physiology that makes a couple able to withstand the bombardment of life over decades of time and still remain bonded.

I agree with that BUT, I think sex is clearly a component of that.

 

[kwillia]

That's the implication. :shrug:

Ummm... no. I understood the recommendation to be wait several months before you layer on the sexual investment into the relationship and that makes complete sense to me because that allows you to get beyond the immediate lust phase and have a better idea as to whether or not the other person is a long term potential or a fine for now fit. Ending a relationship before that level of intimacy and emotional investment would most certainly leave one with less emotional scarring.

Keep in mind we are talking about young adults who are entering the dating field looking for the significant other to share the rest of their life with and not us older (probably already scarred folks) who are no longer interesting in finding a monogomous mate.

 

[MMM_donuts]

My personal experience is this and it doesn't really match results of the study:

I had premarital sex with my husband for years and years before we decided to get married and we have one of the greatest relationships of anyone we know.


I think sex is an extremely important part of the relationship and it's indicative of the rest of how the rest of the relationship will be.

 

[vraiblonde]

Guys are all kinds of cooperative and understanding and good listeners and compromise-ers if there is some ass involved. So, then, we're invested, met your mom, starting to remember your siblings name and then...then...THEN!!!!!!

Thud.

No real sexual compatibility. No fire in yer soul. So, now what? You like her well enough. And her folks and brother. Get along, for the most part, about money and day to day stuff so, oh well. One of lifes little compromises, right?

Thank you - I was trying to figure out how to put that into words.

I think some people can have a vaguely satisfying relationship built on common values and all that rot, with no real sexual passion. Then there are other people who probably better take a test drive before investing a whole lot of time. Because THAT sucks - you meet this guy, he's awesome, you get along, lots in common, you're both thinking long term, then you finally hit the sheets and.....THUD. Bye bye. Sorry it didn't work out.

 

[kwillia]

My personal experience is this and it doesn't really match results of the study:

I had premarital sex with my husband for years and years before we decided to get married and we have one of the greatest relationships of anyone we know.


I think sex is an extremely important part of the relationship and it's indicative of the rest of how the rest of the relationship will be.

The argument isn't about waiting until marriage for sex but rather waiting several months rather than just days or weeks to ensure a physiological bond has indeed been established.

 

[kwillia]

Thank you - I was trying to figure out how to put that into words.

I think some people can have a vaguely satisfying relationship built on common values and all that rot, with no real sexual passion. Then there are other people who probably better take a test drive before investing a whole lot of time. Because THAT sucks - you meet this guy, he's awesome, you get along, lots in common, you're both thinking long term, then you finally hit the sheets and.....THUD. Bye bye. Sorry it didn't work out.

The argument isn't about waiting until marriage for sex but rather waiting several months rather than just days or weeks to ensure a physiological bond has indeed been established.

 

[mv_princess]

Thank you - I was trying to figure out how to put that into words.

I think some people can have a vaguely satisfying relationship built on common values and all that rot, with no real sexual passion. Then there are other people who probably better take a test drive before investing a whole lot of time. Because THAT sucks - you meet this guy, he's awesome, you get along, lots in common, you're both thinking long term, then you finally hit the sheets and.....THUD. Bye bye. Sorry it didn't work out.

So how long would you wait before leaping into bed with someone? Or would you not?

Just discuss it over dinner "Hey listen before I think about this further lets go knock this out just to make sure I don't need to retrain you"

 

[vraiblonde]

I think sex is an extremely important part of the relationship and it's indicative of the rest of how the rest of the relationship will be.

I completely agree with that. The only thing that differentiates your lover from your best friend is....sex. If the sex isn't working, then you are basically just friends and there's no need for marriage or formal partnership.

 

[MMM_donuts]

The argument isn't about waiting until marriage for sex but rather waiting several months rather than just days or weeks to ensure a physiological bond has indeed been established.

"A study into the effects of having sex before marriage suggests it's much better not to. Those who abstain during their courtship or build up a gradual sexual relationship, rather than leaping into bed on the first date, are more likely to have happier and longer relationships"

I read it kinda like this all though I can see what you're saying about the waiting to start having sex vs waiting until marriage.

Am I the only person that feels like the suggested 6 months from the article is an awful long time?

 

[Larry Gude]

Ummm... no. I understood the recommendation to be wait several months before you layer on the sexual investment into the relationship and that makes complete sense to me because that allows you to get beyond the immediate lust phase and have a better idea as to whether or not the other person is a long term potential or a fine for now fit. Ending a relationship before that level of intimacy and emotional investment would most certainly leave one with less emotional scarring.

Keep in mind we are talking about young adults who are entering the dating field looking for the significant other to share the rest of their life with and not us older (probably already scarred folks) who are no longer interesting in finding a monogomous mate.

Sorry, guys. I have to do this; We are on our best behavior for that time period where you think we are developing all these bonds. We are courting you not to pick curtains but to see you nekid. And then some. It's not with ill motive; that is THE motive.

Several months, huh? See each other daily, several times a week? Money, politics, family, work ethic, household behavior, all that stuff?

It is ALL important, critical stuff. However, I can fake interest in your cookie jar collection for some time. I can even remember to use coupons when you're around. However, I'm not going to be able to fake it, nor will you, if, upon the Bed of Love, their ain't no there there.

Then, you find I've, somehow, lost interest in the cookie jars and coupons.

If two people are long distance and not seeing each other much, OK. A couple months. But, man, if you're an adult, what, mid 20's to 30's, see each other a lot, how about, what, a month? And that's being RESTRAINED in my book.

:shrug:

 

[vraiblonde]

So how long would you wait before leaping into bed with someone? Or would you not?

Just discuss it over dinner "Hey listen before I think about this further lets go knock this out just to make sure I don't need to retrain you"

No "retraining" If he doesn't have his stuff going on by the time he is my age, he's a no go.

If I don't have the urge to rip his clothes off after the first kiss, chances are good it's never going to happen. And if I don't have the urge to kiss him after the first conversation, there will be no romantic follow-up. It's a *click* attraction thing. Then it's just a matter of finding out if the rest of him fits. So I'm sort of bassackward from what Dr. Laura says.

The right guy for me will be the same way, and THAT is what I'm willing to wait for.

 

[vraiblonde]

We are on our best behavior for that time period where you think we are developing all these bonds. We are courting you not to pick curtains but to see you nekid. And then some. It's not with ill motive; that is THE motive.

Your honesty is refreshing.

I've had numerous guy pals over the years who talk to me like I'm one of them, and this ^^ is the unanimous opinion.

Oh, what a lovely woman! How wonderful it would be to dust the furniture and change diapers with her!

No.

Relationships are not one-size-fits-all and you can't make a satisfying marriage just because you "like" the person. And 6 months is WAY too long and too much of an investment, only to find out that you have no real physical attraction to this person.

 

[mv_princess]

No "retraining" If he doesn't have his stuff going on by the time he is my age, he's a no go.

If I don't have the urge to rip his clothes off after the first kiss, chances are good it's never going to happen. And if I don't have the urge to kiss him after the first conversation, there will be no romantic follow-up. It's a *click* attraction thing. Then it's just a matter of finding out if the rest of him fits. So I'm sort of bassackward from what Dr. Laura says.

The right guy for me will be the same way, and THAT is what I'm willing to wait for.

I suppose looking at it from a different age is different.


I am taking that the article is based for someone in my age group or younger. Not waiting for marriage but waiting a little longer than being whorish and jumping into bed

 

[vraiblonde]

Not waiting for marriage but waiting a little longer than being whorish and jumping into bed

Why is it whorish to have sex with someone you're attracted to?

 

[mv_princess]

Why is it whorish to have sex with someone you're attracted to?

Someone you just met? You know nothing about them and you are willing to leap into bed, it's a little whorish. How many would you jump into bed with before you think you found the one?

 

[mv_princess]

Why is it whorish to have sex with someone you're attracted to?

Pending - this isn't a set up for just a one night stand. I understand both sides need to fill an urge. I am not against sex.

But sleeping with every man just to think you will find "the one" without anything else is a little bit much

 

[MMM_donuts]

I, personally, would never marry anyone without having sex with them first. I mean, honestly, if there's an area where you're going to see their true personality, it would be the bedroom. Do they compromise, respect boundaries, communicate, have a sense of humor, are they open or closed minded, playful, health conscious?

I mean, it's all spelled out for you right there AND you get to see them naked.

 

[kwillia]

This is the most recent article on the subject and I agree that there is some interjection of personal opinion on the part of the author. I don't think the arguments as to pre-maritial or wait for marriage or as to whether or not 6 months is a magic number are what is pertinent to take away from this article.

Argue all you want folks but there really is a science to finding the right mate developing a lasting bond with that person.

Here... I found this one that might give better insight into the chemistry that we call "love"...

One of the first hormones released when it falls is feniltelitamina (the family of amphetamines), which is responsible for the passion, excitement and blindness “- when we think our love is perfect. Noradrenaline and serotonin are the ones we heard a accelerated rate and dilated pupils.

Dopamine is the hormone of pleasure and reward. This is the beginning of the relationship and makes the sex drive. It is separated if orgasm and produces happiness.

After a few months, the body ceases to secrete dopamine, because it can take in large amounts, and it seems that oxytocin, also called the love hormone. He is responsible for monogamy is an essential part of the design (which is secreted during orgasm, pregnancy and childbirth). It also strengthens the links between couples or between mothers and their newborns.

^^^^^ This is the time in a relationship that gives you insight as to whether or not he/she is long-term potential or really not because the downing of the desire level leaves you no longer interested. This is when you either break it off or evolve the intimacy. ^^^^


Even if it is a hormone involved in the design, is also responsible for monogamous couples. Is released during orgasm and helps to strengthen the ties between the couple. It has been shown that oxytocin monogamous species separated only a few do penguins who have a life partner. Oxytocin is produced in large amounts during pregnancy and delivery and help with contractions. This also helps the mother and child bond in common when the baby is born. These species of animals that segregation of oxytocin are monogamous!

Fortunately or unfortunately, these chemical reactions are addictive, and when we fail to produce withdrawal symptoms may occur as the drug of Pentecost – hence the pain and sadness after a breakup.


Read more: The Chemistry of Love – Why Do We Fall in Love? | Scienceray