Mothers-in-Law

[puggymom]

I can definitely understand it being annoying since it ends up being more work for you in the end but honestly I do not think there is any way to word it without sounding like the evil daughter in law from hell, KWIM?

 

[herbivore2]

Approach it Delicately

I know that she is just trying to be helpful and that's why I haven't brought it up with her. I was hoping for some suggestions on a delicate way to ask her to back off a bit because I DO like her and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Honestly I would rather they just put their dirty dishes in the sink and left them there. I will handle them. I have no problems doing that. I was raised that when you have company (family or not) they are GUESTS, and GUESTS do not do chores for you.

They do travel quite a ways to come see us, so they usually stay for 4 days or so at a time. Since the baby has been born they usually come up every few weeks. They want my baby sleeping with them in the guest room, they want to handle all of his diaper changes, are constantly playing with him. I love that they love him so much and want to spend time with him. I hate that they make me feel like I'm intruding and taking "THEIR GRANDBABY" away when he's obviously overstimulated and exhausted and needs a nap and some quiet time. Yes, I understand it sounds like a dream break but it's stressful to feel like you aren't allowed to come near your own child for 4 days!

Do approach her delicately and tell the inlaws how much you love the visit and appreciate everything they do. Also tell them that you want them to be honored guests in your home and to leave the chores to you as well as the night feedings. Make a schedule for the baby to have naps and down time in order to get a break form all the handling and encourage the grandparents to use that time to relax and enjoy observing the baby at play, sleep, etc.

 

[vraiblonde]

For those of you who are mothers-in-law to somebody could you please explain something to me. Why is it that once there is a grandbaby in the picture you seem to totally change? Suddenly it feels like you are trying too hard and it makes what used to be a fairly comfortable relationship awkward and strained.

Is there a polite way to ask you to please, back off just a bit? I get that you want to see your grandbaby and I'm thrilled that you are willing to travel to do it so that I don't have to. But when you get here, could you please not try to take over my home? I like to spend time with my baby as well. I also prefer to do my own dishes and coming home to find out you've done my laundry (and folded my underwear and lingerie) is a wee bit violating (and incredibly awkward).

I mean, I get trying to suck up if it was a bad relationship previously... but it wasn't. It wasn't a Best Friends for LIFE relationship, but it was friendly and comfortable. I'm just at a bit of a loss here.

Your MIL is trying to help you and be a part of her grandchild's life. You should have thought of that before you married someone's son.

Fortunately, my DIL is a joy and a peach, and I couldn't be any more pleased with my son's choice of mate. When I am a guest in her home, I cook, clean, and yes fold laundry. In fact, I'm invading her home for Thanksgiving and am taking over the whole shebang - all she has to do is show up (and make this really yummy casserole thing she does).

This is because she works a full time job, plus she and my son own a new business that takes up the rest of their time. She so far appreciates my help, after we had a discussion during which I assured her I don't think she's a bum or bad wife because I *gasp* cooked a few meals and washed a few dishes. In fact, my son presents me with a list of what he wants me to cook while I'm there, and she doesn't mind a bit.

You may feel that your dainties are oh so personal, but to your husband's mother they're just underpants and she's folded a million of them before. So simply tell her, without attitude, that you don't like anyone doing your laundry because you're picky about it - this is what I told my Mom and it worked out just fine.

 

[pelers]

I can definitely understand it being annoying since it ends up being more work for you in the end but honestly I do not think there is any way to word it without sounding like the evil daughter in law from hell, KWIM?

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?

 

[vraiblonde]

My DIL is a joy - it's my DAUGHTER that tried to be a cow. But we came to terms and now when I'm visiting or she's visiting, she dumps young Riggs off with me for the duration and disappears.



We hook up for lunch or dinner at least once a day while we're in the same zip code, but other than that she sets me up with a car seat and a diaper bag full of supplies, and gets lost.

 

[SoMDGirl42]

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?

I wouldn't let th baby spend the night in their room, but if he's still getting up at night, maybe you could let MIL have one night to tend to him and get a full night of sleep. It could be a good time for her to have some personal time with him to bond as well, and maybe she wouldn't feel the need to compete with you for his attention during the day. Win, win.

 

[SoMDGirl42]

My DIL is a joy - it's my DAUGHTER that tried to be a cow. But we came to terms and now when I'm visiting or she's visiting, she dumps young Riggs off with me for the duration and disappears.



We hook up for lunch or dinner at least once a day while we're in the same zip code, but other than that she sets me up with a car seat and a diaper bag full of supplies, and gets lost.

Once they outgrow that newborn sleep, eat and shiat stage and enter that drooling, crying, temper tantrum phase that's typically what happens.

 

[vraiblonde]

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?

Do you not like her or something? How old is the baby?

 

[pelers]

She so far appreciates my help, after we had a discussion during which I assured her I don't think she's a bum or bad wife because I *gasp* cooked a few meals and washed a few dishes. In fact, my son presents me with a list of what he wants me to cook while I'm there, and she doesn't mind a bit.

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

Again, she's a wonderful woman and I know that isn't her intent and regardless of how much rationalizing I try to do to myself I still feel butthurt about it.

 

[kwillia]

I do know what you mean, and that's why I've been sitting on it. Unfortunately sitting on it just seems to make me feel more and more grouchy about it every time.

So tips to implement for future visits:
*Either have laundry done before hand or stash it

*Offer to let MIL HELP with the dishes rather than making her feel like she has to sneak in and do them when I'm not aware

*Don't hide/avoid when they come to visit, spend more time visiting and gently removing baby when it's obviously naptime

*Maybe let baby spend one or two nights with them, and the rest in his bedroom to keep him on schedule

Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions?

Honestly, if you have to make a list and check it twice in order to 'suffer' through their visits you are simply being too anal. Period. Relax. Go with the flow and just plain give up trying to hog all the 'motherly duties'. It's only a few days every month or so. If you give off biatch vibes the visits will get less and less and your child will have less grandparent time. That sounds pretty self-centered, doesn't it?

 

[pelers]

Do you not like her or something? How old is the baby?

Oh, I like her just fine for the most part. She's very friendly, outgoing and loud. I'm a very quiet, introverted type. So had I met her on the street I doubt I would have pursued a friendship, but (except for the volume) she's a very easy person to get along with.

Baby is a bit over 8 months now, so a lot of the "newborn" issues are gone. He's been sleeping through the night (6-8pm to 7am-ish) since 4 or 5 months, transitioned to his own room/crib at 6 months without a single hitch. Honestly he's a dream baby. Happier than any baby I have ever heard of before.

 

[vraiblonde]

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

She's not trying to - she's trying to help you and enjoy her grandkid.

 

[Kris10]

I don't think you should worry about her doing dishes and such, I'm sure she's just trying to help...especially since you have a little one. As for the laundry, keep your dirty clothes in your room and lock the door or, hide what you really really REALLY don't want her to wash :shrug:

I don't know what to say about the baby though, I'm sure it would bother me too but since it's only 4 days they probably just want to spend as much time with him as they can as it's only FOUR DAYS you know? Try to be patient and remember that you have him for the other 361 days in the year

 

[pelers]

Honestly, if you have to make a list and check it twice in order to 'suffer' through their visits you are simply being too anal. Period. Relax. Go with the flow and just plain give up trying to hog all the 'motherly duties'. It's only a few days every month or so. If you give off biatch vibes the visits will get less and less and your child will have less grandparent time. That sounds pretty self-centered, doesn't it?

Bahaha I am anal, I realize this. Making lists of things actually helps me a lot to calm down and relax. I don't generally stick to them exactly but it makes me feel like I have a plan of action and I'm not just randomly bumping around without a clue.

 

[SoMDGirl42]

She's not trying to - she's trying to help you and enjoy her grandkid.

If she thought she was a bad mother, she would have called social services by now and tried to take custody of the baby herself.


Relax, and enjoy her visits. Soon enough you will WANT her to take him for a weekend.

 

[kwillia]

Bahaha I am anal, I realize this. Making lists of things actually helps me a lot to calm down and relax. I don't generally stick to them exactly but it makes me feel like I have a plan of action and I'm not just randomly bumping around without a clue.

Look at it his way... your son can MOST certainly benefit from more grammy time! With your introvertedness and her extrovertedness he has a chance at acquiring the happy medium!

 

[pelers]

Relax, and enjoy her visits. Soon enough you will WANT her to take him for a weekend.

Soon enough, I'm not quite there yet. Right now he's growing so fast and doing so many new things each week and I hate that I have to miss most of it because of work. I get to play with him for 2-3 hours in the evenings before he goes to bed and on the weeks hubby's parents come up I basically don't get to interact with him at all.

A few weeks ago we went down to their place to visit and while it was much easier stress wise (didn't have to clean house, plan things to do, etc etc) we were dead on our feet. They live 10 hours away and we made the drive overnight so it would be easier on the baby (and us in regards to the baby). We were total zombies while we were there.

As soon as he gets to the Terrible Twos I'm sure I'll totally be shipping him down to visit them for a week or two at a time

 

[pelers]

Look at it his way... your son can MOST certainly benefit from more grammy time! With your introvertedness and her extrovertedness he has a chance at acquiring the happy medium!

Hah he already seems to be soaking that up! Both hubby and I are introverted and I seriously do mean it about him being super happy baby. He loves people, he has grins and giggles for everyone.

But I need to get out of here... need to hit up Target to buy supplies. We're going to have some adventures in baby finger (hah) painting tonight!

 

[Roman]

Bahaha I am anal, I realize this. Making lists of things actually helps me a lot to calm down and relax. I don't generally stick to them exactly but it makes me feel like I have a plan of action and I'm not just randomly bumping around without a clue.

You sound a bit like me. I have this issue with control, and even if my car is dirty..I feel like I am losing that control. As posted earlier..try your best to relax, and enjoy. Being in control all the time, can & does drive one crazy. I think you expect too much of yourself.

 

[Roberta]

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

Again, she's a wonderful woman and I know that isn't her intent and regardless of how much rationalizing I try to do to myself I still feel butthurt about it.

GROW UP!!