Mothers-in-Law

[ginwoman]

Its a tough situation. Try to hang in there and not get too frustrated. Can you take a Xanax or something while she's there? just saying

 

[vraiblonde]

I will have you know that I have now gone FOUR week long visits with my mother, the remote controller, without having a single cross word with her. I think if I can do that, you can certainly behave with your MIL for a few days.

Of course, I made merciless fun of her and had several belly laughs at her expense, but I didn't get mad or even irritable. She was pretty pissed, but I was calm and serene.

I do not like her doing my laundry, not because I'm worried about her seeing my undiepants but because she doesn't sort. My Dad has more pink t-shirts than anyone you've ever seen. So when she told me to go get my things so she could wash them, I just told her no, I'll do them when I get home. She insisted, I said no, I'm ticky about my laundry. She started getting bent, I asked her if she was seriously going to have a fit because I wouldn't let her wash my clothes. She proceeded to have a fit and I said, well, I guess that answers my question.

My dad was howling

At one point she wanted to drive my rental car for whatever reason. I told her no, it's a rental and she wasn't on the insurance. This was right after she told me her car was in the shop because - ready? - she'd driven it into a concrete wall.

Really.

She huffed and said, "You act like I'm retarded." I replied, "No, YOU act like you're retarded." This made my dad and I both crack up laughing, and she pouted until we'd recovered, then all was well.

But I did not get cross or feel frustrated in any way. And I think if I can deal with that crazy person, you can deal with someone who's actually trying to be nice. Just tell her you're ticky about your laundry - make it your problem and not hers.

 

[sockgirl77]

I will have you know that I have now gone FOUR week long visits with my mother, the remote controller, without having a single cross word with her. I think if I can do that, you can certainly behave with your MIL for a few days.

Of course, I made merciless fun of her and had several belly laughs at her expense, but I didn't get mad or even irritable. She was pretty pissed, but I was calm and serene.

I do not like her doing my laundry, not because I'm worried about her seeing my undiepants but because she doesn't sort. My Dad has more pink t-shirts than anyone you've ever seen. So when she told me to go get my things so she could wash them, I just told her no, I'll do them when I get home. She insisted, I said no, I'm ticky about my laundry. She started getting bent, I asked her if she was seriously going to have a fit because I wouldn't let her wash my clothes. She proceeded to have a fit and I said, well, I guess that answers my question.

My dad was howling

At one point she wanted to drive my rental car for whatever reason. I told her no, it's a rental and she wasn't on the insurance. This was right after she told me her car was in the shop because - ready? - she'd driven it into a concrete wall.

Really.

She huffed and said, "You act like I'm retarded." I replied, "No, YOU act like you're retarded." This made my dad and I both crack up laughing, and she pouted until we'd recovered, then all was well.

But I did not get cross or feel frustrated in any way. And I think if I can deal with that crazy person, you can deal with someone who's actually trying to be nice. Just tell her you're ticky about your laundry - make it your problem and not hers.

I love reading posts about your mom.

 

[BOP]

That is what I'll be doing in the future. The last visit was the first time she touched my laundry so from now on it will either be done BEFORE they arrive or it will be well hidden.

I dunno, it's just really hard because I KNOW she is just trying to be helpful but it ends up making extra work for me after they leave trying to straighten out her help. I think she knows I don't like her doing chores around my house so she tries to sneak them when I'm not looking. It ends up with me having to play treasure hunt all over my kitchen to figure out where she put this, that or the other thing. Or the time I opened up a cupboard and had coffee cups fall out on my head because she tried stacking them on a high shelf.

What are you, 65? I'll tell you like I tell my wife (who is, by the way, 65), when the kids come to visit, and do the same thing: get the hell over it!

If you need to set the boundaries, if you can't figure out how to be tactful about it, zip your lip!

Look, tell her "Mom, I love that you come all this way to see the grandbaby, and it means the world to me that you help with housework and all, but touch my unmentionables again, and draw back a bloody stump; kapish?"

Tell her: "house rules, mom: baby has a schedule, and it's up to you to help me keep her to the schedule."

Put pants on her, but do it in a loving, appreciative way. Use humor. Fer gawd sakes, girl, your house, your child, your rules. And if hubby won't back you up on it, he can move back in with mommy. Ask him if he likes sex. Then ask him if he wants to keep having sex.

Good luck. Confrontations aren't easy; especially for some, more than others.

 

[BOP]

I wish we had had this conversation, because honestly that is how she makes me feel Like a bad wife and a bad mother.

Again, she's a wonderful woman and I know that isn't her intent and regardless of how much rationalizing I try to do to myself I still feel butthurt about it.

Then TELL her that that's how she's making you feel.

And women wonder why men think that all their talking is meaningless yapping.

 

[sm8]

Have not read thru all of the posts but if she still has any time left and has not been claimed by too many others I would like to adopt her as a mom too. We were just talking about this the other day, When I win the mega millions I am going to El Salvador to adopt a mom :0)

 

[Dakota]

Oh wow! I agree she should just sit around smoking in your home, leaving dirty dishes scattered around. Throw her dirty clothes down to you and ask you to take care of them. She should not ever ever make a meal for you to eat after you come home from a long day at work. How dare she!
You are lucky that you have someone to come and visit you and try to help out with the baby. It is not a permanent situation. Get a grip!
now

I hear a key word... TRAVEL... which means she doesn't live close - visits for 3 or 4 days with several week gaps in-between. My MIL only lived 2.2 miles down the street and once took her finger across my china closet and said "hardly the house keeper you used to be... if you are going to choose your career over your family perhaps you should hire a house keeper."

It took 14 years for me to put that behavior in check myself after my husband never did...

anyway....

I'd tell her where all the baby chit is & give her a schedule - ask her to try and stay within that schedule and go shopping, get your nails/ feet & hair done... just don't be your worst critic & create expectations that are not achievable.... enjoy the break and remember to count your blessings... one being that they don't live down the street and two, they do love their grand baby. You might not realize this now... but babies grow up too fast.

 

[my-thyme]

When my boys were 3 and 5, I had a friend my mom's age who would show up at our house unannounced and take the boys for the day. They'd go to MickyD's, the park, her house, bowling, the movies, lord knows where else. They were her psuedo-grandkids, and they all had a great time spending time together.

I adored my boys and loved being a stay-at-home mom, but wow, did I love those afternoons!

 

[Roberta]

Then TELL her that that's how she's making you feel.

And women wonder why men think that all their talking is meaningless yapping.

Tell her how you are allowing her to make you feel.

 

[Bann]

I had an answer but changed my mind & deleted it. Should have read more of the OP's replies first, as they contained more info/background with each one. Honestly, MIL does seem like she's trying to help. Hide your undies or talk to her about leaving yours alone, that should be fine with her if she's as nice as you say.

But the baby in their room while you are there - that's unusual to me. I don't get that and I would have a problem with it, especially if she insists on it. Taking the baby off your hands and you & hubby going off to do things is fine. But if you're there, what do they need to do for the baby that you can't do? It's like you're going to have a mini honey moon while they're in the same house.

SO I think you should view the 4 days as a break for you, but if it bothers you to have the baby in their room & having her do your laundry - tell her nicely.

 

[vraiblonde]

But the baby in their room while you are there - that's unusual to me. I don't get that and I would have a problem with it, especially if she insists on it.

I believe I know the answer to that.

When I stayed with my daughter, there was a bed in Riggs' room that I slept on. He wakes up in the morning, I hear him first, we chat for awhile, then I do his morning tending while Mommy and Dad sleep in.

When we were all at my Mom's house or when I'm at my son and DIL's, he sleeps in a portacrib in my room for that same reason - so I can get him when he first wakes up.

So I suspect Pelers' MIL wants to make sure she hears the grandtot first so she can have the morning with him and let Pelers and Mr. Pelers sleep in. My Mom used to do the same thing when my kids were little.

 

[RareBreed]

Consider yourself lucky that your MIL cares as much as she does. She could be like mine. When kids were little, she would do things that would put their lives in danger because she wouldn't think first. Things like not buckling kids with seat belts, giving 9 month old jello with walnuts in it, placing 1 year old who was not steady on his feet in chest deep water and walking away. Now that the kids are older, she makes every excuse to not see them. Will purposedly avoid Maryland all together when driving from GA to NY. If you say anything about what the kids are up to over the phone, she will quicky change the subject off of them.

Be happy with what you got. It could be worse.

 

[BadGirl]

Consider yourself lucky that your MIL cares as much as she does. She could be like mine. When kids were little, she would do things that would put their lives in danger because she wouldn't think first. Things like not buckling kids with seat belts, giving 9 month old jello with walnuts in it, placing 1 year old who was not steady on his feet in chest deep water and walking away. Now that the kids are older, she makes every excuse to not see them. Will purposedly avoid Maryland all together when driving from GA to NY. If you say anything about what the kids are up to over the phone, she will quicky change the subject off of them.

Be happy with what you got. It could be worse.

Wow. Obviously, your mom has an issue with grandkids, but it begs the question: did she also do irrational/irresponsible/reckless things with her own children? If so, double Wow.

 

[RareBreed]

Wow. Obviously, your mom has an issue with grandkids, but it begs the question: did she also do irrational/irresponsible/reckless things with her own children? If so, double Wow.

It's my mother-in-law, not my mom. As far as her own kids, she worked while the dad had a job that allowed the kids to be with him most of the time. My husband said she was a good mom but not very good with giving any type of praise to her kids. I remember one time when the in-laws were visiting, the dad told us that he thought she should have never had kids. I thought that was really harsh, even given her lack of common sense when it came to the grandkids.

 

[bcp]

Dont get me started on this one.

I could write a book on MILs that need to be put in a group home and strapped down with duct tape..

I have the MIL from hell, one week with her and you will all suddenly appreciate the MIL that you have.

I honestly wish I could have kept the MIL from the first marriage while not having to deal with the MIL from the second/current. Too bad the first MILs daughter was a fence jumping whore,, but thats another story.. with parts left out to keep me from ending up in jail.

 

[BLUIGAL]

Try being grateful for a MIL that cares enough to want to be a part of your childs life, I'm sure from what you have written here that your MIL is only trying to be helpful to all of you, no one is perfect, but calm respectful communication seems to resolve most of the issues for all concerned........I never had a grandparent and always longed for one, I saw so many great loving relationships between a grandparent and child over the years, we never know when we may need help in life and it would be great to know that there is someone to care for our child in our absence, should the need arise, who will genuinely love and care for them. You can't imagine the love you can have for a grandchild, until you become a grandparent............it is one of the greatest joys in my life.......I feel so blessed to have my 2 granddaughters, and am so grateful........relax and let the best evolve.

 

[bcp]

Try being grateful for a MIL that cares enough to want to be a part of your childs life, I'm sure from what you have written here that your MIL is only trying to be helpful to all of you, no one is perfect, but calm respectful communication seems to resolve most of the issues for all concerned........I never had a grandparent and always longed for one, I saw so many great loving relationships between a grandparent and child over the years, we never know when we may need help in life and it would be great to know that there is someone to care for our child in our absence, should the need arise, who will genuinely love and care for them. You can't imagine the love you can have for a grandchild, until you become a grandparent............it is one of the greatest joys in my life.......I feel so blessed to have my 2 granddaughters, and am so grateful........relax and let the best evolve.

All very nice, but I can tell you without any doubt or reservations, should something have happened that required my daughter to no longer live with us, I would prefer her to have gone to become a ward of the state before going to my MIL.
I say this as seriously as I can.

 

[drivingdaisy]

I say do or hide the delicates before the visit. As for the other cleaning do it with her a couple of times so that she will know where things go. Kid in the room, if it makes you feel uncomfortable say "I like him to stay in his own room to help with his routine." If she really is a good MIL she wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable. Maybe if you made sure you were away from the house once a day so they had some one on one time with the baby that would help them feel they were spending plenty of bonding time.

I get that grandparents want to spend as much time with the baby as possible, but so does mom. Mom shouldn't have to give up complete control of the baby for the whole time they visit if that isn't what she is comfortable doing. I would never think that my wants supersede someone's comfort level.

 

[BadGirl]

All very nice, but I can tell you without any doubt or reservations, should something have happened that required my daughter to no longer live with us, I would prefer her to have gone to become a ward of the state before going to my MIL.
I say this as seriously as I can.

And here I've always assumed that the rants you make on your MIL were/are part of your schtick. I never realized that you really disliked her that much.

 

[Christy]

Life is way too short to fret over these type of things. It never ceases to amaze me the things people make themselves miserable over. Enjoy the break your MIL is trying to give you and take it for what it is, her being nice and trying to do nice things for you.

JMHO. :shrug: