Question for the men

[migtig]

The guys at work complain rarely but when they do it's usually about their woment being lazy.

The guys on my job bring up the fact that their ex-women's were sluts a lot. Sometimes one will kvitvh that his wife made him leave the house cause he was getting on her nerves. Another tells me his wife beats him, but they are kind of bcp stories, so I don't know whether to believe him or not.

 

[kwillia]

#####ing is just #####ing. Most women do it to get it out of their system and vent. When you bring it up to the guy, now it's an *issue* and potential fight. When I have a real problem with Larry, I'll talk to him about it and if it turns into a fight, so be it.

OMG... this is EXACTLY why I'd shrug it off... I would assume he was venting just like I would and that if there was a real problem I'd hear about it. I keep forgetting men don't see things or think the way women do until I see it in black and white...

 

[Kain99]

The guys on my job bring up the fact that their ex-women's were sluts a lot. Sometimes one will kvitvh that his wife made him leave the house cause he was getting on her nerves. Another tells me his wife beats him, but they are kind of bcp stories, so I don't know whether to believe him or not.

Ya know I've heard the slut complaint often, from one coworker in particular but he still loves her!

 

[migtig]

I know I'm not and if I found out mine was :blahblahblah: behind my back.... I'd... well... I'd.... I'd shrug it off. :shrug:

I'm not perfect either. But I'd rather know what I did wrong, so I can learn from my mistakes.

 

[fddog]

If it is bad enough to complain to others,why not just tell your S/o what the problem is and complain to them?

 

[Tonio]

Would someone explain the dynamics of this hypothetical situation, which I found in a book on male/female relationships?

In the situation, the wife warns the husband not to automatically assume PMS when she's cranky. She had a valid criticism. But then the wife talks with her female friends and says, "I have the worst PMS. My poor husband."

Why would the hypothetical wife be OK acknowledging that to her friends but not to her husband? I assume that either she refuses to trust him or that he isn't a trustable person. It almost sounds like she was letting herself be more cranky with her husband than with her friends. Was I reading the book's passage completely wrong?

 

[pixiegirl]

You get a penalty for breaking the rules. And here's two for the BIL

#####ing is just #####ing. Most women do it to get it out of their system and vent. When you bring it up to the guy, now it's an *issue* and potential fight. When I have a real problem with Larry, I'll talk to him about it and if it turns into a fight, so be it.

But having a #####fest is supposed to be sacred, and none of the participants are supposed to run back to anyone outside the group and run their mouths.

How the hell did I break the rules? I got told what was being said about me and brought it up with him when he got home.

I biatch and I listen to other people biatch and don't run my trapola because quite frankly I don't really care what petty stuff happens in other people's lives. Unless of course it's really juicy gossip. Anyway, if I'm the one doing the biatching/venting I live by the rule "don't say anything behind someone's back that you wouldn't say to their face."

B got SOOOO mad at his BIL for running his mouth but couldn't at all understand why I was peeved that he was biatching about me about something I was clueless about. If you have an issue either bring it directly to me or STFU. I don't want to hear through the grapevine that I did something that ticked you off!

 

[vraiblonde]

OMG... this is EXACTLY why I'd shrug it off... I would assume he was venting just like I would and that if there was a real problem I'd hear about it. I keep forgetting men don't see things or think the way women do until I see it in black and white...

Larry complains about me to his best buddy and the buddy commiserates with his own tale of woe. Occasionally the buddy will make the mistake of telling his wife that "Larry says Dee Jay does..." and the wife will light him up "Well maybe if Larry wouldn't X, then Dee Jay wouldn't Y - don't suppose he's ever thought of THAT!"

 

[nachomama]

If it is bad enough to complain to others,why not just tell your S/o what the problem is and complain to them?

Because, in my past experience, when a problem has been addressed, the other person either immediately goes into total denial or the defense mechanism kicks in. Sometimes it's better to just vent and get it out of your system. If the problem is bad enough, it will persist. Then you address it, after you've applied the appropriate protective padding or stocked up on tissues.

 

[kwillia]

I'm not perfect either. But I'd rather know what I did wrong, so I can learn from my mistakes.

IMO people rarely "learn from their mistakes" and make a change. If that were the case, we would not have much to biatch about. It's the repetitive bullcrap that continues to go on time and time again that is worthy of biatch sessions.

 

[migtig]

If it is bad enough to complain to others,why not just tell your S/o what the problem is and complain to them?

That's my reasoning, but sometimes your S/O has communication issues.

 

[kwillia]

If it is bad enough to complain to others,why not just tell your S/o what the problem is and complain to them?

See the post I just posted.

 

[migtig]

IMO people rarely "learn from their mistakes" and make a change. If that were the case, we would not have much to biatch about. It's the repetitive bullcrap that continues to go on time and time again that is worthy of biatch sessions.

Maybe this is why I don't have biatch sessions.

 

[itsbob]

The only thing I ever complain about is her not putting out or not keeping the house clean, but I don't sit around and complain to a bunch of random dudes either Only my close friends get to here me piss and moan.

She said this was a question for the men in here.. don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

 

[fddog]

Because, in my past experience, when a problem has been addressed, the other person either immediately goes into total denial or the defense mechanism kicks in. Sometimes it's better to just vent and get it out of your system. If the problem is bad enough, it will persist. Then you address it, after you've applied the appropriate protective padding or stocked up on tissues.

I use to complain to peeps all the time about s/o in my past, but have learned all it does is open you up for people to complain to you. I have enough head aches in my daily life then to have to listen to other peoples head aches, what the heck do i look like Dr. Ruth And a relationship is nothing with out conversation good or bad. No one is perfect we all make mistakes and do daily things that bother our sig. other. I feel it has been better to talk it out with her then to complain to others.

 

[kwillia]

Maybe this is why I don't have biatch sessions.

Cause you don't hang around for the repetitive bullcrap...

 

[vraiblonde]

How the hell did I break the rules?

Here's how:

B got SOOOO mad at his BIL for running his mouth

Let's say you and Chasey are having lunch, and in the course of conversation you mention that (whoever your boyfriend is) did something annoying or thoughtless. It wasn't a big enough deal to bring it up with him, you just wanted to vent a bit.

Chasey runs back and tells Day and Day runs and tells Boyfriend, who blows it out of proportion and rips your ass for you. Now what was harmless kvetching has become a fight, which the you (the original kvetcher) had hoped to avoid by not making an issue out of it with Boyfriend.

The BIL should have kept his mouth shut. And if he couldn't keep his mouth shut, his wife shouldn't have come and gossiped with you about it - she should have just said, "My my..." and forgotten it. When she ran to you blabbing, you should have taken it for what it was - guy talk and general complaining - and left it alone.

 

[(((echo)))]

It really doesn't matter what we complain about anyway.....the day a man changes a woman is the day the world stops

 

[fddog]

See the post I just posted.

i used to complain on a daily basis about my wife leaving a damp towel on the bed, so i just started putting a damp towel on the clothes she was gonna wear that night, see problem solved. There has been no towels left on the bed

 

[kwillia]

The BIL should have kept his mouth shut. And if he couldn't keep his mouth shut, his wife shouldn't have come and gossiped with you about it - she should have just said, "My my..." and forgotten it. When she ran to you blabbing, you should have taken it for what it was - guy talk and general complaining - and left it alone.

I agree!