Wickedwrench
Stubborn and opinionated
Miawip said:
It isn't your choice in the end,bubba.
Recovering what could be lost.
- Thread starter Miawip
- Start date
It isn't your choice in the end,bubba.
L
lugebob
Guest
Don't Give up
Do not give up. I am hear to tell you that you can turn this around and be more in love than ever before. My wife left after 25 years of what I thought was a good marriage. I found out (after the fact) that she was conciously and subconciously planning her escape for the last 7 years of our marriage. She was going to make it easy on me and was even trying to buy her way out, but I refused to just give up. I, then we, had to work hard to get ourselves straight and are better than EVER. I don't know your details but here is my suggestion on how to win the battle and her heart.
First thing you MUST understand, you cannot change her, but you can effect change. Resist the urge to look at her faults in this and work on yourself. Take a hard look. Are you still attractive to her in everyway or have you let yourself go? You need to look deep on how to make yourself truely attractive as a man, a husband and a father, regardless on how you think married life should be. The fantasy is over and now it is time to work. Do not expect overnight results because once hurt or disillusioned a wife will not trust the changes in you until she sees that it is a way of life for you. Here is what you do.
1. Take care of yourself. Get in shape, get a haircut, wear something different, get a hobby and do things that make you smile. (within reason, remember you are still raising a little one.) The point is make an obvious change in yourself for the good.
2. Do not beg or plead for her to stay. Imagine a man begging his woman for anything. Not very attractive is it. But you will want to out of despiration and loss of control. I found my self doing this alot and looking back it was disgusting. Instead, just state your case that you intend to stay married to her and will do what it takes, for as long as it takes. Remember you have at least a year after seperation, but lets hope it does not get to that, like it did for me.
3. Take responsibility: For something, anything. I was major guilty on this.I would always offer "Help" to my wife with things around the house and with the kids. Because I traveled for work, she did everything, bills, house, kids. When I got home I would offer help, or even criticise how she did those things. I had no right to criticise, since I was just the helper. She wants you to take charge, total responsibility for something and she can be the helper on that when needed. I suggest you pick something she hates. I now do the grocery shopping, all of it and I save $50 a trip over her shopping too. IF you go on travel, shop before you leave. I am also "responsible for paying %50 of the bills. remember she doesn't need a helper, she wants a man in-charge of a few things... that is the partnership part.
4. Kids. perhaps she thinks you are not a great dad. Work on that. Women love and respect great dads.
5. Give her a break. If she is a stay at home mom or works and then comes home and works, she needs a break from all of it and needs something of her own. A hobby, volunteer work, something that involves her with others so that she can continue to develope her own personality and have a chance to smile from time to time.
6. Get help. If she wont go, go yourself. Things will change with just one working on themself. Counseling, read the bible, go to church and or bible study, read books and "Informative websites on marraige. I suggest this site.. it was the best support for me. Divorce Busting
Read her books.
7. Listen to her reasons and complaints. Chances are she is saying something important to her under the anger and you cannot read it or want to beleive it. You may need a translator... this would be the counselor. My wife used to get pissed about how I talked to or diciplined the kids... as hard as I tried I could not see the problem and even though I tried, I did all the wrong things because neither of us could communicate or understand the problem. Once the counselor showed me how I talked to my kids just like my mother treated me as a kid, my eyes were opened and I was able to fix the problem.
8. Make a list of boundries and agreements that you 2 will live by while having these problems, sign it and do you best to respect them.
8. Dont give up. Remember if she can find you attractive once again, she will probably stay and make the change she needs for your happiness.
I have to get back to work. If you would like more info please feel free to PM me. People are ruthless here in many cases and make jokes to forget their own pain and failures.
bob
Do not give up. I am hear to tell you that you can turn this around and be more in love than ever before. My wife left after 25 years of what I thought was a good marriage. I found out (after the fact) that she was conciously and subconciously planning her escape for the last 7 years of our marriage. She was going to make it easy on me and was even trying to buy her way out, but I refused to just give up. I, then we, had to work hard to get ourselves straight and are better than EVER. I don't know your details but here is my suggestion on how to win the battle and her heart.
First thing you MUST understand, you cannot change her, but you can effect change. Resist the urge to look at her faults in this and work on yourself. Take a hard look. Are you still attractive to her in everyway or have you let yourself go? You need to look deep on how to make yourself truely attractive as a man, a husband and a father, regardless on how you think married life should be. The fantasy is over and now it is time to work. Do not expect overnight results because once hurt or disillusioned a wife will not trust the changes in you until she sees that it is a way of life for you. Here is what you do.
1. Take care of yourself. Get in shape, get a haircut, wear something different, get a hobby and do things that make you smile. (within reason, remember you are still raising a little one.) The point is make an obvious change in yourself for the good.
2. Do not beg or plead for her to stay. Imagine a man begging his woman for anything. Not very attractive is it. But you will want to out of despiration and loss of control. I found my self doing this alot and looking back it was disgusting. Instead, just state your case that you intend to stay married to her and will do what it takes, for as long as it takes. Remember you have at least a year after seperation, but lets hope it does not get to that, like it did for me.
3. Take responsibility: For something, anything. I was major guilty on this.I would always offer "Help" to my wife with things around the house and with the kids. Because I traveled for work, she did everything, bills, house, kids. When I got home I would offer help, or even criticise how she did those things. I had no right to criticise, since I was just the helper. She wants you to take charge, total responsibility for something and she can be the helper on that when needed. I suggest you pick something she hates. I now do the grocery shopping, all of it and I save $50 a trip over her shopping too. IF you go on travel, shop before you leave. I am also "responsible for paying %50 of the bills. remember she doesn't need a helper, she wants a man in-charge of a few things... that is the partnership part.
4. Kids. perhaps she thinks you are not a great dad. Work on that. Women love and respect great dads.
5. Give her a break. If she is a stay at home mom or works and then comes home and works, she needs a break from all of it and needs something of her own. A hobby, volunteer work, something that involves her with others so that she can continue to develope her own personality and have a chance to smile from time to time.
6. Get help. If she wont go, go yourself. Things will change with just one working on themself. Counseling, read the bible, go to church and or bible study, read books and "Informative websites on marraige. I suggest this site.. it was the best support for me. Divorce Busting
Read her books.
7. Listen to her reasons and complaints. Chances are she is saying something important to her under the anger and you cannot read it or want to beleive it. You may need a translator... this would be the counselor. My wife used to get pissed about how I talked to or diciplined the kids... as hard as I tried I could not see the problem and even though I tried, I did all the wrong things because neither of us could communicate or understand the problem. Once the counselor showed me how I talked to my kids just like my mother treated me as a kid, my eyes were opened and I was able to fix the problem.
8. Make a list of boundries and agreements that you 2 will live by while having these problems, sign it and do you best to respect them.
8. Dont give up. Remember if she can find you attractive once again, she will probably stay and make the change she needs for your happiness.
I have to get back to work. If you would like more info please feel free to PM me. People are ruthless here in many cases and make jokes to forget their own pain and failures.
bob
D
Dixie
Guest
What a thoughtful response! Sending you good karma.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
I say...
...tie her azz up, throw her in the basement for a few days and then tell her how much you want to work things out, give her her space, take responsibility for what you may be doing wrong, possesiveness, control issues, that sort of thing and just be nice about it. She'll come around after a couple of months, and then, let her out for awhile and just see how it goes. Take it slow. If nothing else she'll thank you for her losing that extra 10 pounds she's been #####ing about.
All kidding aside; this can be a pretty fricking dark and threatening time, acutely accentuated by the profound sense of helplessness. I know. I damn well know. Cowboy up and do the right thing, all day, every day. Tend to the kid, work and the home. STAY IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF.
Time is going to feel like walls closing in, but time, is what this is about. DEAL with it. If you want it to work, be serious about counseling, your own faults and mistakes and hang in there. If it doesn't work out, you'll have done it right and be happy with yourself for doing it right which will give you strength.
In the mean time, find a healthy outlet; hit the gym, play an instrument, do extra stuff with the kid.
For sure it WON'T work if you don't keep it together.
Then, later on you'll find the right person and you can thank the X for setting you free.
Good luck.
...tie her azz up, throw her in the basement for a few days and then tell her how much you want to work things out, give her her space, take responsibility for what you may be doing wrong, possesiveness, control issues, that sort of thing and just be nice about it. She'll come around after a couple of months, and then, let her out for awhile and just see how it goes. Take it slow. If nothing else she'll thank you for her losing that extra 10 pounds she's been #####ing about.
All kidding aside; this can be a pretty fricking dark and threatening time, acutely accentuated by the profound sense of helplessness. I know. I damn well know. Cowboy up and do the right thing, all day, every day. Tend to the kid, work and the home. STAY IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF.
Time is going to feel like walls closing in, but time, is what this is about. DEAL with it. If you want it to work, be serious about counseling, your own faults and mistakes and hang in there. If it doesn't work out, you'll have done it right and be happy with yourself for doing it right which will give you strength.
In the mean time, find a healthy outlet; hit the gym, play an instrument, do extra stuff with the kid.
For sure it WON'T work if you don't keep it together.
Then, later on you'll find the right person and you can thank the X for setting you free.
Good luck.
Dougstermd
ORGASM DONOR
Larry Gude said:
I was so getting a silence of the lambs moment
Larry Gude
Strung Out
It puts the lotion on its skin...
...it loves me and want sot be married forEVER...
...it...
:chills:
The night vision goggles scene....
Dougstermd said:
...it loves me and want sot be married forEVER...
...it...
:chills:
The night vision goggles scene....
Larry Gude
Strung Out
I'm not crazy...
...not at all.
Why, just last night my ex was over to discuss what has turned into this incredibly touchy issue; college for one of the kids. Every single facet of what was dysfunctional and just wrong about us ever being a couple came spewing forth and ended up with me errupting like a volcano. We have issues.
I called her later to apologize for losing my temper but she and I couldn't agree on how flipping a coin can be used to make decisions. Oil and water.
I'm married now to a person who, as a couple, we just work together pretty damn good in addition to her being the hottest thing on two legs I've ever seen and who is also on a determined quest of making the PERFECT smoked ribs.
Find a way to do it right. Someone wise said, many times, 'It will work out. You'll see.'
Miawip said:I want to thank all of you for helping me out. Even to some of you crazies out there. You have addedlittle humor to my day. Thanks especially to Dixie and Lugebob. I will keep you all posted. - Miawip
...not at all.
Why, just last night my ex was over to discuss what has turned into this incredibly touchy issue; college for one of the kids. Every single facet of what was dysfunctional and just wrong about us ever being a couple came spewing forth and ended up with me errupting like a volcano. We have issues.
I called her later to apologize for losing my temper but she and I couldn't agree on how flipping a coin can be used to make decisions. Oil and water.
I'm married now to a person who, as a couple, we just work together pretty damn good in addition to her being the hottest thing on two legs I've ever seen and who is also on a determined quest of making the PERFECT smoked ribs.
Find a way to do it right. Someone wise said, many times, 'It will work out. You'll see.'
D
Dixie
Guest
Miawip said:I want to thank all of you for helping me out. Even to some of you crazies out there. You have added
I wish ya'll a good life together.The dreadful update
Well heck, counseling was a waste of time. Wife only punctuated the fact that she wanted out. It sucks, but what can you do. I hope after some time apart, she might see that it is worth trying to work things out. I am some what hopeful. But I feel that she is gone for good. - Miawip
Well heck, counseling was a waste of time. Wife only punctuated the fact that she wanted out. It sucks, but what can you do. I hope after some time apart, she might see that it is worth trying to work things out. I am some what hopeful. But I feel that she is gone for good. - Miawip
L
lugebob
Guest
Dude
I feel your pain. When my wife and I went the first session we were in the same boat. I wanted to to fix us and she wanted out with minimal damage to the kids. The counselor quickly figured out that the sessions would be counter productive and that we needed individual session to understand and fix our own problems before we could ever take the next step.. which ever way we went. Eventually we did come together and did some constructive heavy hitting in joint sessions.(still felt like a boxing match, but no pain, no gain)
I warn you counselling alone will not cut it and niether will posting on this message board. For you and others in the same boat I suggest these things
1. counseling for one or both
2. go to Divorce Busting and read everything and use those message boards. IT is testimony on how one person can turn things around.
3. Read the book Controlled Separation (CS) THis is key to keeping the lawyers from turning up the NASTY LEVEL.
4. Do not talk to family about details. Talk to someone you look to as a mentor or that you respect.
5. Go to church and more important go to a home fellowship / bible study. You can talk with couples that have indured alot more than you thought possible, by doing things the way the bible teaches.They will show you how. These small groups are wise, comforting, and life saving.
6. And once things start to head in the right direction, sign up for Retrouvaille This weekend away from EVERYTHING distracting, workshop will shake the earth you stand on and teach you what seems like magical skills on how to communicate to each other.
7. And everyday thank God for what you have and ask for wisdom on what to do next.
My wife and I now have the "story book" marriage. Life together is better than EVER, But we had to heal from 25 years of fighting, cheating, abandonment and not really communicating. IT did not happen overnight.
Do not give up.... you took the vow....and this is the sickness and tough times the minister was refering to.
One last thing. IF she wants to walk and you do not want her to(it is called WAW walk-away-wife syndrome) then you can not stop her. But make sure she WALKS out of the house, away from her husband and away from here child. Those things belong to the marriage until a judge says otherwise.
My wife and I are praying for you and your wife.
BOb
I feel your pain. When my wife and I went the first session we were in the same boat. I wanted to to fix us and she wanted out with minimal damage to the kids. The counselor quickly figured out that the sessions would be counter productive and that we needed individual session to understand and fix our own problems before we could ever take the next step.. which ever way we went. Eventually we did come together and did some constructive heavy hitting in joint sessions.(still felt like a boxing match, but no pain, no gain)
I warn you counselling alone will not cut it and niether will posting on this message board. For you and others in the same boat I suggest these things
1. counseling for one or both
2. go to Divorce Busting and read everything and use those message boards. IT is testimony on how one person can turn things around.
3. Read the book Controlled Separation (CS) THis is key to keeping the lawyers from turning up the NASTY LEVEL.
4. Do not talk to family about details. Talk to someone you look to as a mentor or that you respect.
5. Go to church and more important go to a home fellowship / bible study. You can talk with couples that have indured alot more than you thought possible, by doing things the way the bible teaches.They will show you how. These small groups are wise, comforting, and life saving.
6. And once things start to head in the right direction, sign up for Retrouvaille This weekend away from EVERYTHING distracting, workshop will shake the earth you stand on and teach you what seems like magical skills on how to communicate to each other.
7. And everyday thank God for what you have and ask for wisdom on what to do next.
My wife and I now have the "story book" marriage. Life together is better than EVER, But we had to heal from 25 years of fighting, cheating, abandonment and not really communicating. IT did not happen overnight.
Do not give up.... you took the vow....and this is the sickness and tough times the minister was refering to.
One last thing. IF she wants to walk and you do not want her to(it is called WAW walk-away-wife syndrome) then you can not stop her. But make sure she WALKS out of the house, away from her husband and away from here child. Those things belong to the marriage until a judge says otherwise.
My wife and I are praying for you and your wife.
BOb
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BS Gal
Voted Nicest in 08
Look at yourself...Think about things. How may times did you:
1. Let her go to the grocery store, unload everything and then she took care of putting everything away and then expecting her to make dinner?
2. Expect dinner at a certain time? Like, where is it and how come it's late? You may be working in the garage or doing something, but do you "expect" dinner at a ceratin time? And do you "expect" her to make it?
3. Do you think it is her job to take care of the kid and when you have to do it, it's called "babysitting."
4. She has to get the child ready in the morning, drop her/him off, pick him/her up? And you're just there to be the daddy after all the hard stuff is done?
5. She is done with her day, dropping the kid off, making dinner, doing the dishes, bathing the child and you want something and she is exhausted?
Think about it?
Just wondering ifi you fit into any of these categories.
1. Let her go to the grocery store, unload everything and then she took care of putting everything away and then expecting her to make dinner?
2. Expect dinner at a certain time? Like, where is it and how come it's late? You may be working in the garage or doing something, but do you "expect" dinner at a ceratin time? And do you "expect" her to make it?
3. Do you think it is her job to take care of the kid and when you have to do it, it's called "babysitting."
4. She has to get the child ready in the morning, drop her/him off, pick him/her up? And you're just there to be the daddy after all the hard stuff is done?
5. She is done with her day, dropping the kid off, making dinner, doing the dishes, bathing the child and you want something and she is exhausted?
Think about it?
Just wondering ifi you fit into any of these categories.
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