SMO: Staying together 4 the kids....
- Thread starter Qurious
- Start date
Qurious
Im On 1.
vraiblonde said:
Well he admitted that he doesn't love her anymore, doesn't want to marry her but is with her just for the kids. She thinks he's cheating. He comes home whenever he wants to. Doesn't say hi or bye but when he wants some ass thats when he'll try to be nice.
And she's on her 3rd kid so going through a pregnancy alone is rough. Well technically she's not alone - he's there, but only because of the kids. She doesn't get any love or attention, no kisses or hugs...just met with a hi and bye and how was work and when is the food gonna be ready and where's my clean work clothes type of greetings.
She wants to come live with me but I told her she should work it out for the sake of the kids only because I know what its like growing up without a father and I wish my mom did do everything possible to keep him there. But now that i've grown up i realized you can't make a man love you and want to stay with you - just you...NOT the kids.
(thinking of when Jerry Maguire stayed with her just because he was in love with her son - not her.)
i'll check back on this topic later...gotta go
pixiegirl
Cleopatra Jones
Thank God I live my own life and don't meddle. 
People make their own beds and they have to sleep in them. Period. If she's woman enough to make 3 babies than she's woman enough to live with her choice of partners or get the hell out herself.
Vrai, I don't agree that kids don't care about the happiness of others. I have a 4 year old you should meet. My ex MIL put into words what I couldn't; he's a very gentle soul. You have not seen a child that cares so much about the happiness of others. I agree that most kids in general don't care but some kids do. Every situation speaks for itself.
People make their own beds and they have to sleep in them. Period. If she's woman enough to make 3 babies than she's woman enough to live with her choice of partners or get the hell out herself. Vrai, I don't agree that kids don't care about the happiness of others. I have a 4 year old you should meet. My ex MIL put into words what I couldn't; he's a very gentle soul. You have not seen a child that cares so much about the happiness of others. I agree that most kids in general don't care but some kids do. Every situation speaks for itself.
I know I tried it for a while, setting aside my happiness for the sake of the kids, but it wasn't working, the entire family was becoming more and more miserable. It got to the point where I was just going through the motions and anesthetizing my sorrows with booze. Then things came to a head and we separated her with the kids and me alone.
Those initial days of the parting were tough but once the divorce was final with custody awarded to me things became more settled and the miserable times also departed. I truly feel it was best for all of us and can only wonder how screwed up it could have became had we continued as we had been doing.
The kids were 11 and 8 at the time we split and they knew that their mother and I were not happy together and neither were they. Over the years since then as they became adults they have said it was the right thing for us to do. I have no doubts about it at all.
Those initial days of the parting were tough but once the divorce was final with custody awarded to me things became more settled and the miserable times also departed. I truly feel it was best for all of us and can only wonder how screwed up it could have became had we continued as we had been doing.
The kids were 11 and 8 at the time we split and they knew that their mother and I were not happy together and neither were they. Over the years since then as they became adults they have said it was the right thing for us to do. I have no doubts about it at all.
pixiegirl
Cleopatra Jones
Ken King said:
I left N's father when he was 6 weeks old. 4.5 years later I can not imagine what my life would be like if I was still married to him. He is still the same punk I started dating 10 years ago. Can't hold a job, smokes pot and has no life or responsibility. If I was still with him I'd be not only taking care of my son but a grown man as well. No thanks. I left him because in the short 6 weeks of N's life it became very clear to me that there was nothing more important to my ex husband than his own selfish desires. His own son, his newborn son, his flesh and blood was not even reason enough to even try to grow up and do the right thing. There was nothing for me to work with or on. I left and have never ever regreted the choice I made. 4.5 years later as I watch N play with a man that didn't have to be a dad to him but is chosing to I know damn well I made the right choice. Each situation has it's own circumstances and you can't make a blanket statement for or against.
Having just returned from my fabulous and highly enlightening counseling session, I recommend that your friend get counseling. Not marriage counseling - this would be just for her. Because she's gonna need it, regardless of whether she stays or goes.Qurious said:
Especially when you come out of a loveless marriage, there are going to be insecurities. It's best she get those out of the way before she starts dating.
somd whisper
New Member
vraiblonde said:I disagree. They will say, "Thanks, Mom, for caring enough about us that you didn't break up our home."
And how does she know she'll be any happier if she's single with children? Then they'll be like, "Thanks, Mom, for busting up our home just because YOU weren't happy, and now NOBODY'S happy."
Great points!
somd whisper
New Member
Nickel said:
I did. I still do as far back as I can remember. I loved them because they were my parents and I wanted them happy, and cared how they felt in many ways.
But staying or not staying together is something that may be a case by case thing. What works for one might not work for another.
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somd whisper
New Member
Qurious said:
Not to be rude by how long has this been going on? Are all three children his?
Qurious
Im On 1.
vraiblonde said:
She is seeing a counselor....as a matter of fact she had a session today and after it was over she came over to my house crying asking could she stay till the end of the summer. I dont know where she's gonna go after that...but she said she couldn't take it and needed to be away from him.
He hasn't went to any of the sonograms with her, he hasn't rubbed the belly or even bothered to feel the baby move. I feel so bad for her...
thats why i need to be sold on staying together for the kids because it seems to be doing her more harm than good. i want to be supportive, but how can I if she is such a wreck....she's lost all self esteem. I wanna curse his ass out!!!! He can fake the funk around his friends and family like everything is kosher in the house but no one knows how miserable she is.
I have my own problems...but I still want to be there 4 her. Why do men do this to families???
Qurious
Im On 1.
kwillia said:
No, if thats what she has to do but she told me he would rather leave. He just bought a new house, why would he do that? She dont want the house or to have anything to do with him after she's gone.
He doesn't want her to struggle like she had to when they broke up before...
Its not like he's giving her the house, he'll probably have the mortgage deducted out of child support or some crazy shyyt like that...
That's a damn shame. But how is she going to take care of herself, the kids and the new baby? If nothing else, she's going to need his income.Qurious said:
These are practical matters that need to be addressed before she takes off. And, Q, whatever you do, don't let her use you as a crutch. If she's going to leave him, she needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and make a life for her children.
somd whisper
New Member
Qurious said:
I am lost you say that you need to be sold on why she should stay but in your other post you said you told her to stay for the kids??? Maybe I read it wrong.
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