SMO: Staying together 4 the kids....

[somd whisper]

That's a damn shame. But how is she going to take care of herself, the kids and the new baby? If nothing else, she's going to need his income.

These are practical matters that need to be addressed before she takes off. And, Q, whatever you do, don't let her use you as a crutch. If she's going to leave him, she needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and make a life for her children.

Thats a good point and I have seen friends tell others to leave only to have the couple get back together again later and then tables turn on the friend. Tough call. I feel for both you and your friend.

 

[LexiGirl75]

If they are staying for the children and not their own security.

I disagree. They will say, "Thanks, Mom, for caring enough about us that you didn't break up our home."

And how does she know she'll be any happier if she's single with children? Then they'll be like, "Thanks, Mom, for busting up our home just because YOU weren't happy, and now NOBODY'S happy. "

Some situations can work out that wonderfully where the parents have a one track mind called "the kids" and they do what they have to in order to finish together what was started. As long as they remain focused that it's for the betterment of the children then it could work. It takes two very determined and selfless people to do that though.

Flipside, depending on what is going on in the home packing up could be the best thing. If hubby or wifey is not being a good father or mother to the children, as well as a well behaved spouse in front of the children, then staying could be damaging. Some memories affect children well into adulthood and those adults probably wished they had been spared.

 

[somd whisper]

I'm highly offended that she would leave. I will call the police to make her stay!!

Oh come on Mike. Someone as cute and sweet as you would not have to worry about things like that.

 

[Abby]

Kids also learn by example. My parents divorced when I was five, and my sister and I recognized that not only did our parents still love us just as much as before, but they no longer argued. Everyone was much happier. I'm not sure I would respect either of them today if I had been raised in a loveless home. I know I'd have no idea what a healthy relationship looked like if they hadn't remarried people more suitable for them.

My father was just as involved after the divorce as beforehand- maybe even more so. Divorce does not mean the absence of a father figure. If he isn't involved now, then he's nothing more than an ATM with an attitude. Single mothers can and have survived before without partners. It's difficult but it can be done, and then there is the possibility of finding a good partner. You should be 100% sure before walking out that it's what you want, but a marriage gone bad smells to high hell and should be disposed of ASAP.

Marriage is about two people living out their lives together. Children eventually leave, but the responsibility remains regardless of marital status, so I don't see how it relates to them so long as they are still well loved by their parents. You should not stay together for the children in general, although there are exceptions (like a disabled child who has more involved needs, for instance).

My mother told me this and as a hard and fast rule it simplifies everything: Don't ever get involved in anyone else's relationship. Be a friend and support her emotionally, but don't try to fix her problems. Let her make up her own mind without any thought of approval or disapproval from you- getting that close to the problem will only backlash on you later.

If she does need somewhere to stay, put a time limit on it and set out guidelines. After I divorced my first husband (abuse) I moved in with my mother and she charged me rent, which she put into a bank account and did not touch. At the end of the allotted time to live with her (six months), she gave me all the money from the account so I would have a nest egg of my own. That was the best help I received from anyone... besides free child care from my sister, maybe.

Hope this helped. Good luck!

 

[vraiblonde]

Good points, Lexi and Abby.

I guess I'm just looking at it like divorce isn't some magic bullet that will suddenly make everyone happy. You're not going to stop hating someone just because you no longer have to live with them. The husband may abandon the kids altogether, which will piss you off. Or they'll come home from their weekends with him talking about all the presents his new girlfriend bribed them with.

Larry and his ex fight more now than they ever did when they were married. The first time I ever had a major fight with my ex was LONG after we got divorced.

I've also seen a ton of women leave their unhappy marriages, only to take up with all manner of inappropriate men to boost their self-esteem.

He's not going to start rubbing her belly and caring about her just because she leaves him. So she really needs to think realistically about the pros and cons and stop worrying about "happiness" - that's such a subjective thing and changing your life isn't necessarily going to make you "happier".

 

[somd whisper]

only my two cents worth

It is understandable that there is no guarantee that changing your life will make you happier but it is a start. Sure it will be hard at first, but you will have a chance to pull your life together if you really want to.

IMO...... it is not a good plan to stay in a bad marriage out of fear of the unknown or because things are going to get hard. I would rather take my chances then stay in something that I know is not going to work out after trying everything to make it work.

I find it amazing what some people are willing to go through to avoid being alone or to delay the unpleasantness of a breakup. there are so many people out there that are so fearful of being alone that they would chose to remain in a bad relationship or they find themselves rushing into another relationship to avoid being alone, but on the other hand, staying in a bad relationship they could find themselves more alone than actually being by themselves.

IMO I think if you are willing to change as your life circumstances change, caring for yourself, your children, and others can make your life healthier and more enjoyable.

I guess it would be reasonable to admit that you are not going to stop hating someone just because you separated. I can only suggest that to try and not hate your ex after the divorce or breakup, especially if there are children involved. It is non-productive just keep in the back of your mind that you while he may still be in your life you have more control over yours.

It is nice to be able to talk with friends or family about things like this, it is a wonderful support system but I have to strongly recommend that your friend consider talking things through with a counselor that is trained in relationship issues.

But even then she has to realize that it is not the counselor's job to provide her with all the answers, but understand that the counselor is there to help her focus on the issues of importance and ultimately have her understand and choose what is best for her and her children.

I know this is only my two cents worth but I hope it helps.

 

[MDTerps]

I don't think that one should stay in a relationship just for the kids. I've been through this, I stayed with my ex b/c we have a son. A child of divorced parents myself, I didn't want my son to have to grow up in a broken home. Other reasons I stayed were, I was scared of being alone, the friends I would probably lose, and disappointing my family b/c I failed.

After 3 years of trying for forgive and forget the things our relationship had been through, I just couldn't do it any more. I finally realized how depressed I was, and that I didn't love my ex any more. It wasn't healthy for my son to see his parents fighting, no love showen between them, his mom sleeping all the time, and not interested in playing with him any more. It did more harm then good to stay in that relationship.

As stated by Whisper I do have more control over my life now. There were controling issues in our relationship as well. Now I'M IN CONTROL and it feels great. I'm not depressed any more and I love to spend time with my son and play. He had a hard time in the beginning with the seperation, but he has come to terms with the way things are, he is a very happy child, and he understands why daddy and I aren't together any more and that it had nothing to do with him.

 

[somd whisper]

I don't think that one should stay in a relationship just for the kids. I've been through this, I stayed with my ex b/c we have a son. A child of divorced parents myself, I didn't want my son to have to grow up in a broken home. Other reasons I stayed were, I was scared of being alone, the friends I would probably lose, and disappointing my family b/c I failed.

After 3 years of trying for forgive and forget the things our relationship had been through, I just couldn't do it any more. I finally realized how depressed I was, and that I didn't love my ex any more. It wasn't healthy for my son to see his parents fighting, no love showen between them, his mom sleeping all the time, and not interested in playing with him any more. It did more harm then good to stay in that relationship.

As stated by Whisper I do have more control over my life now. There were controling issues in our relationship as well. Now I'M IN CONTROL and it feels great. I'm not depressed any more and I love to spend time with my son and play. He had a hard time in the beginning with the seperation, but he has come to terms with the way things are, he is a very happy child, and he understands why daddy and I aren't together any more and that it had nothing to do with him.

I am so glad you and your son is in a better place.

 

[Kain99]

I think it is a POS move to walk out of a marriage without regard for your children.

You... as an adult can find love and happiness "whenever" SUCK IT UP! Raise your babies in a stable home and quit being such a selfish lil' biatch.

Thank you for your time. See a shrink!

 

[Ken King]

I think it is a POS move to walk out of a marriage without regard for your children.

You... as an adult can find love and happiness "whenever" SUCK IT UP! Raise your babies in a stable home and quit being such a selfish lil' biatch.

Thank you for your time. See a shrink!

The home can become more stable after the divorce, as was my case.

 

[bresamil]

The home can become more stable after the divorce, as was my case.

Mine as well. In fact, my children have thanked me repeatedly for separating the household. They may have been young, but they felt the tension. It's been 6 years and they are doing spendidly.

 

[camily]

I think it is a POS move to walk out of a marriage without regard for your children.

You... as an adult can find love and happiness "whenever" SUCK IT UP! Raise your babies in a stable home and quit being such a selfish lil' biatch.

Thank you for your time. See a shrink!

My husband and I have been through sooo much. You would not believe half of it, but we stayed together. Had he been abusive to me or the children it would have been a different story. My kids are so happy we stuck with it. As I have said before, marriage doesn't fail, the people fail the marriage.

 

[vraiblonde]

The home can become more stable after the divorce, as was my case.

This is true, but those are generally homes where there was abuse, drugs and alcohol or some other extreme problem.

Q's friend sounds very immature. Counseling sessions are draining - you walk out of there either purged and spent or feeling strong and clear-headed. Yet this woman has enough still in her to run over to Q's house and cry on her shoulder.

She has two children and another on the way. She is not going to be happier if she divorces this guy. Does she have any means to support herself and her children? Does she have anywhere to live besides cramming in with a friend?

Q says the guy doesn't give her love and affection, but if that's what she's looking for, who does she think will rub her belly and view her ultrasounds with her when she leaves him?

 

[bresamil]

This is true, but those are generally homes where there was abuse, drugs and alcohol or some other extreme problem.

Q's friend sounds very immature. Counseling sessions are draining - you walk out of there either purged and spent or feeling strong and clear-headed. Yet this woman has enough still in her to run over to Q's house and cry on her shoulder.

She has two children and another on the way. She is not going to be happier if she divorces this guy. Does she have any means to support herself and her children? Does she have anywhere to live besides cramming in with a friend?

Q says the guy doesn't give her love and affection, but if that's what she's looking for, who does she think will rub her belly and view her ultrasounds with her when she leaves him?

I think, due to previous posts by Q, that this chick's problem isn't the man, it's herself. She is looking for someone to make her happy. That's not the way it works. She needs to choose to be happy, not rely on someone else to do it for her. Once a person is happy with themselves they can be open to a myriad of possibilities and be part of a mature relationship.

 

[SouthernMdRocks]

Some situations can work out that wonderfully where the parents have a one track mind called "the kids" and they do what they have to in order to finish together what was started. As long as they remain focused that it's for the betterment of the children then it could work. It takes two very determined and selfless people to do that though.

Flipside, depending on what is going on in the home packing up could be the best thing. If hubby or wifey is not being a good father or mother to the children, as well as a well behaved spouse in front of the children, then staying could be damaging. Some memories affect children well into adulthood and those adults probably wished they had been spared.

That's a great way to look at it if both parents can be selfless, unfortunately I think those cases are fewer. I think I could stay in a non-marriage for the sake of my children if both parents were willing and able to stay on the same page. Kids are very perceptive, mine pick up on things I didn't even think were very obvious. Mine also are very caring about how I feel. It's a very hard decision whichever route one chooses.

 

[Bronwyn]

Well he admitted that he doesn't love her anymore, doesn't want to marry her but is with her just for the kids. She thinks he's cheating. He comes home whenever he wants to. Doesn't say hi or bye but when he wants some ass thats when he'll try to be nice.

And she's on her 3rd kid so going through a pregnancy alone is rough. Well technically she's not alone - he's there, but only because of the kids. She doesn't get any love or attention, no kisses or hugs...just met with a hi and bye and how was work and when is the food gonna be ready and where's my clean work clothes type of greetings.

She wants to come live with me but I told her she should work it out for the sake of the kids only because I know what its like growing up without a father and I wish my mom did do everything possible to keep him there. But now that i've grown up i realized you can't make a man love you and want to stay with you - just you...NOT the kids.

(thinking of when Jerry Maguire stayed with her just because he was in love with her son - not her.)

i'll check back on this topic later...gotta go

I wonder what his side of the story is? I heard this one woman talk about leaving her hubby because he was so "insensitive", wouldn't "touch" her anymore... Over time I got to know her better and I got to know her soon to be ex as well. He was a really nice guy and she is a nut case. I feel sorry for him and amazed that he was willing to put up with her insanity for the sake of their children. She on the other hand knew she would whore around, so insisted that divorce and freedom were more important than the happiness of their two children. But of course she wanted custody and child support after she left!

 

[vraiblonde]

Over time I got to know her better and I got to know her soon to be ex as well. He was a really nice guy and she is a nut case.

I've seen situations like that, too. You sit there with the girlfriend going, "Gosh, that's too bad! Oh my, that's terrible!" But then you get the other side and observe a little more and your whole perspective of the situation changes.

 

[somd whisper]

There is not one answer for everybody. Each situation is unique.
I still would suggest seeking out professional counseling. She needs to make that decision, no one should tell her to stay or not to stay because we just don’t know all the facts and even if we did we still do not know what the repercussions will be later down the road.

 

[Abby]

I think, due to previous posts by Q, that this chick's problem isn't the man, it's herself. She is looking for someone to make her happy. That's not the way it works. She needs to choose to be happy, not rely on someone else to do it for her. Once a person is happy with themselves they can be open to a myriad of possibilities and be part of a mature relationship.

This is so true. There was every kind of abuse in my marriage and the divorce needed to happen. I'll never forget how happy I was a few months after my ex and I split, and I realized that he wasn't my problem anymore. I realized a moment later how messed up it was that that was what it took for me to be happy, months after the abuse stopped. I was happy from within after that and ever since- and if someone had waved a magic wand and solved my problems for me, I'd probably still be ripping myself up that I couldn't "help" him and make my marriage work. I said in another thread that I think way too many people leave a troubled marriage because it isn't "ideal", but there are exceptions, as has been said, like real abuse.

So I stick to what my Mom told me before I left home- don't get involved in other people's relationships or try to solve their problems. If a friend asks for advice, I'll give a brutally honest summation of what I would do in that situation, ending with "You're not me and make up your own mind" but as a friend I'd be there for a boost whenever they needed it. Let people solve their own problems, it's better for everyone.

 

[chernmax]

This thread is in need of Dr Phil...