Something bugging me!!

[Kimmy]

OK I just need to get some opinions on a little problem that has been bugging me from the married life. My husband is driving me up the wall. My oldest son that is 7 has a somewhat of a learning disability okay. But here is the problem. My husband who is a stepfather to my oldest son is not handling the situation very well. He naggs at him all the time for the most stupidest things. Here is an example: This is what is says every night at at the dinner table over and over: "Hold your head over the plate. Sit up straight." Other thing are: "No computer or Play Station until you do better in school." Your coat and bookbag doesn't belong there." He never has anything positive so say to him about anything. The things that he tell the 7 year old to do he can't even do it himself. I try so hard not to say anything to him about it but it is so hard. I have talked to the husband so many times about how I feel and it just goes through one ear and out the other. They are like brothers instead of father and son. I just don't know what to do. My son is a so learner because he had a rare eye disease and is completely blind without his glasses. You don't see to many 7 years old that make there bed every morning, help out with the dishes, clean his bathroom every Friday and his bedroom to, empty the trash cans twice a week. Help I need some opinions on how to tell my husband to back off and treat him like a 7 year old.

 

[yakky doodle]

talk to your son; ask him how he feels about the situation and the things said to him and how his father treats him. ask him to write a letter to his dad using "i feel" statements (i.e., "Dad, I feel like you don't love me when you never tell me anything positive or credit me for doing something right.")

i'm betting that when Dad gets a letter from his son that says he doesn't feel loved, he'll wake up real quick.

Odds are, your son would gladly do the things asked of him; but he also needs positive reinforcement and "kudo's" for doing things right when he does.

 

[Kain99]

Men and women never think alike in these situations. Dad is thinking that your Boy will grow up to face horrifying problems if the other children see him as weak or "behind."

There is so much testosterone surging through his body he has forgotten that your son (7) is still a little boy.

Look him straight in the eye and tell him that he is damaging your son. Explain that your boy already realizes that he's different and that all of the bullying at home is only intensifying the problem.

Make a new rule! Home Is A Safety Zone!

As soon as you step foot out the door you face ten million jerks who can't wait to attack you. Make it clear that you will not put up with that BS at home.

If your husband fails to get the point set up a meeting with the school counselor to explain your sons needs to Dad.

It'll probably tick him off but Oh Well! A little embarrassment for Dad, might go a long way.

 

[Kimmy]

That sounds like a wonderful idea. Having the son right Dad a letter on how he feels. I thought about writing him the letter myself but I thing that it would be better if the son did.

 

[Kimmy]

His dad has put him on restriction now. He told him that until he shows more interest in his school work he can not play the computer or the play station. I think that is too much because kids have to vent to. When he does play either or he is only aloud to play for 1 hour. Just over the weekend we went to some friends house and he had a playstation. Well my husband said that is was fine for him to play. What kindof message is that? You can play at other peoples house but you can't play at your own??

 

[SmallTown]

Maybe I'm missing the whole point (and beginning to see the frustrations that republicans go through dealing with dems) But I don't see a problem at all the the PS restrictions.. If he has problems with school, dreaming away on a PS won't help him.. Sure, kids will be kids, but if you start now with the notion "don't strive for success" then we are just breeding a whole new wave of democrats.. People wonder about the democrat way of thinking, and wonder how they could ever come up with those ideas.. Well, it can stem from how they are raised. The PS playtime should be more like a reward.. If you reward for both good and bad, the kid will never realize the difference..

 

[yakky doodle]

I agree with Smalltown on this and forgot to include that in my post. I don't disagree with imposing certain restrictions for poor performance, but dad should also step in and see what he can do to help the situation improve too, versus saying, "just do better."

I'm guilty of this sometimes, and it's hard to always remember, but our children are children. Sure, some are smarter, taller, more attentive, etc., but they are still children. And they don't always possess the same level of common sense and ration ability as we adults do. It's easy for us adults to say, "do better; figure it out; how could you not have realized," but think back to when you were 4, 7 or 10. You probably didn't have that quite figured out yet like you do now.

 

[SmallTown]

When I was 5 years old, I won this yummy chocolate cake at school.. The next morning, I wanted it for breakfast.. My parents refused, saying I needed something healthier than that.. I didn't want to hear it, so I took it upon myself to get a piece of cake.. I climbed up on the counter and grabbed a plate.. We had those really heave pottery-style plates (whatever they are called).. Well, I slipped off the counter and the plate came down on my finger.. I look at my finger and all I see is this piece of meat dangling from the end.. After the pain, surgery and plain out being freaked out by this, I was more understanding to what my parents tried to tell me and maybe, just maybe, they did know more than me and were doing things in my best interest.

ewww. I'm here with cold chills thinking about that morning.. Just the thoughts of it makes my finger start to hurt again.

 

[Old Dog]

Kimmy,
I'm a stepmom so perhaps I'm coming from the other side of the fence here.

Side note... I personally have no problem with different rules at different places... we (and kids) do it all the time. It might be okay to let out a rip, roaring belch in our own living rooms but not at someone else's house, especially the preacher's house. Kids do fine with multiple sets of rules for different places and people.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... You're right that a talk with your DH is needed here. All kinds of things could be going on...

your DH may be thinking he's supposed to be the "dad", whatever that means in his world. If you prefer to do the disciplining then you need to make that clear to DH. But if you do that you need to provide a way that DH can get you to clear stuff up.

I can only speak from my own experience. My skid, older than your son, would leave 5 cups out, at the same time. My DH would do next to nothing. It didn't matter that I thought the kid should stick to one cup or at least put one away when she got out a new one. And when DH would do something it would be to blow up a bit, which phazed the kid not at all. Kid would leave multiple pairs of shoes in living room, in the way. Time after time, in every nice way you can imagine, I would ask and then tell kid to remove at least all but one pair of shoes. Finally I started just chucking the shoes in her room. One day she goes looking for a specific pair of shoes (btw, kid's room is a huge mess) and cant' find them. DH gets in on finding them and can't. The two of them spend over 1/2 hour looking for shoes. When I tell DH what I did he thinks I'm being mean, nasty, unreasonable, and unloving to kid. IMO, kid should have been made to pick a different pair of shoes, and told to clean her room, not to mention having it pointed out to her if she wasn't going to put stuff away when asked she had to expect this sort of thing.

All this to say, I suppose, that maybe your DH is feeling unheard by you and generally as if what he wants doesn't matter to you. Maybe there are things that bother him but he feels like you just blow him off by thinking his concerns are petty.

Do you ever remind your son to eat over his plate or to pick up his bookbag? You've said the kid can do all that other stuff so why can't he do this too? Because it doesn't really matter? To whom? To you? But what about your DH?

Which all comes back to talking... and setting out house rules that you enforce (even if DH enforces them too). You are concerned about what it teaches son to be forbidden playstation at home but be allowed at a friend's... what does it teach son to be allowed to leave his bookbag lay on the floor some times but not others?

(Course I also realize that your DH might be just being a jerk about all this too. )

Take care,
Melody

 

[Kimmy]

I do believe in restriction but if he going to be put on restriction then you need to stick with it. Not let him play somewhere else just to get him out of your hair. As far as his education my husband shows little interest in that. I try to read to him everynight and have him read me a book everynight. This nik-picking stuff that he does to him is for the birds. I just want to two of them to get along. I have talked to my son about this and told him that he needs to some more respect towards his father and he does. But sometimes he feels that he can't do anything right for his father. When he does something wrong his father and him will go back and forth at each other until I step-in. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Sometimes kids will push your buttons just to see how far you will go and then sometimes when you are at that point you are the one acting like a 7 year old. When my son and me get to that point I just walk away and go back later to explain to him what the problem was. I am not the best mother in the world but I do not believe in taking something away from a child for weeks. He is that type of child when it comes to school work he has a hard time focusing. And if one of us get upset with him when trying to help him he gets so nervous and forgets everything that he have gone over at that point.

 

[yakky doodle]

Sounds to me like a parenting class is in order -- for both of you. (you'll never be able to reaffirm what the class teaches if you don't go yourself.)

 

[vraiblonde]

Here is an example: This is what is says every night at at the dinner table over and over: "Hold your head over the plate. Sit up straight." Other thing are: "No computer or Play Station until you do better in school." Your coat and bookbag doesn't belong there."

What is wrong with that? Why is there a problem with your husband expecting the kid to put his stuff away, use nice manners and learn that school comes before video games?

You don't see to many 7 years old that make there bed every morning, help out with the dishes, clean his bathroom every Friday and his bedroom to, empty the trash cans twice a week.

My kids did all this stuff and more when they were 7 and younger.

SmallTown, you're the only person who doesn't have kids, yet you gave the best response so far. Oh, wait - Larry says HE'S got the best response and will post it when we get to the office!

 

[Christy]

Oh boy, does this sound familiar! First off, you can't punish a kid into liking school. Been there done that. Also, are you sure your son has a learning "disability" or is it that the school has the disability. I bet your kid is smarter than you know and is drowning in the public school system.

My son went through very much the same thing. The more we punished him, the worse it got. We finally went outside "the norm" and found our own solutions.

 

[Kimmy]

Well not to sound to harsh. But before my husband and I got married my son and I were best friends. (and we still are) I raised my son on my own for 5 year with no help at all from his real father. So I had to be the daddy and the mommy. Well when my husband and I got married everything changed because he wanted to change the way that I bring up my son. Not to be rude but I was not going to let that happen. But anyway I feel that my parenting skills are fine. I do not let my kid do whatever he wants. If he plays the PS it is while I am cooking dinner and then after that it is school work. Kids need to vent a little when they come home just like adults. I just want him to be a 7 year old kid not a 27 year old adult. When my husband tells him to pick his coat up off the floor or where ever it is it never ends with just that. How many times to I have to tell you to pick your coat up and put it were it belongs. Everyday I have to tell you. Adults forget can't kids??

 

[yakky doodle]

didn't mean for my 'parenting class' suggestion to be directed at you, but you are married, and it's a 50-50 venture. You can't expect him to participate if you don't do so yourself.

 

[Kimmy]

My son went through very much the same thing. The more we punished him, the worse it got. We finally went outside "the norm" and found our own solutions. [/B][/QUOTE]

What were your solutions. I would love to send him to Catholic school but the tuition is $3500 a year and we just can't afford that. I know that the boy is very smart and bright he just has a hard time reading because of his eyes. He has been in glasses since he was 2 but the real problem was not detected until the beginning of first grade. We took him to the Wilmer Eye Center and that is how we found out. The doctor said that because of his poor vision it was keeping him from learning. His vision is like +600. The poor thing could not tell the difference between his colors.

 

[Kain99]

Originally posted by Kimmy
Well not to sound to harsh. But before my husband and I got married my son and I were best friends. (and we still are) I raised my son on my own for 5 year with no help at all from his real father. So I had to be the daddy and the mommy. Well when my husband and I got married everything changed because he wanted to change the way that I bring up my son. Not to be rude but I was not going to let that happen.

Alas!!! This is your problem! Now, I get it.... I am married for the second time and my new husband and I are raising the kids.

He is Step Dad - but we figured out early on that if he did not have the same "rights" as me the biological parent, the kids would see the cracks and take advantage... You know the whole divide and conquer deal.

If your playing the biological - non-biological card it will only hurt your son.

 

[Kimmy]

Originally posted by Kain99
Alas!!! This is your problem! Now, I get it.... I am married for the second time and my new husband and I are raising the kids.

He is Step Dad - but we figured out early on that if he did not have the same "rights" as me the biological parent, the kids would see the cracks and take advantage... You know the whole divide and conquer deal.

If your playing the biological - non-biological card it will only hurt your son.

I raised my son on my own for 5 year with no help at all from his real father. So I had to be the daddy and the mommy. I was never married and this is my first marriage.

 

[Kimmy]

I don't play the biological - non-biological card with him. I tell him all the time that he needs to respect him. He is the one that is here right now not that other man. (His real father)

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I raised my son on my own for 5 year with no help at all from his real father. So I had to be the daddy and the mommy. I was never married and this is my first marriage.

If you want to be the one raising your son, fine... then your husband should butt out of the table manners things... however, if at some point your husband chooses not to eat with your son because of your son's table manners, you'll have to respect his right to that.

But even if your husband butts out of raising your son, your husband still has a certain right to not having coats on the floor in his own home.

You need to decide whether you want your husband raising your son with you. If you don't, then sit down and explain that to your husband. But your husband will still have the right to expect respect from your son and your husband will still have the right to the comfort of his own home.

Sure that all ends up negotiable... but negotiations aren't going to go far if you believe that your son's right to drop his coat on the floor everyday is higher than your husband's right to not have coats on the floor.

Take care,
Melody