Something bugging me!!

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I don't play the biological - non-biological card with him. I tell him all the time that he needs to respect him. He is the one that is here right now not that other man. (His real father)

If your husband is going to be raising your son with you, as a partner to you, then all the rules have changed... and that means the way you raise your son must change. Because if the way you raise your son doesn't change to accommodate how your husband feels the boy should be raised, then your husband is just a babysitter.

Take care,
Melody

 

[Kimmy]

I agree with everything that everyone is saying. I do want my husband involved in raising him. But when there is a coat on the floor just ask him to please pick it up and leave it at that. Don't ramp and rave about how many times you have been told to pick it up. The more that ramp and rave on a child the more angry they will get. Think about when you were a child and when you did something wrong and your parent went on and on about how you should have not don't it didn't it make you kind-of upset?

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I agree with everything that everyone is saying. I do want my husband involved in raising him. But when there is a coat on the floor just ask him to please pick it up and leave it at that. Don't ramp and rave about how many times you have been told to pick it up. The more that ramp and rave on a child the more angry they will get. Think about when you were a child and when you did something wrong and your parent went on and on about how you should have not don't it didn't it make you kind-of upset?

Frankly, this is exactly the kind of thing that gets my noodle... I'm dealing with it in my own life.

How many times, how many days in a row, should your husband be expected to ask nicely for your son to pick up his coat? At what point does your husband get to tell your son to pick up his coat? And at what point after that do consequences start being invoked for your son?

Cause it may feel like, to your husband, that you are always wanting him to ask and that really doesn't put your husband in a good position... think about it, your saying that an adult, that you've said your son should respect, has to ask a child to do something that by now the child certainly knows to do.

Take care,
Melody

 

[JabbaJawz]

If you are having the problems with the 7-year old, I'd imagine you'll have the same parenting issues with your younger child. I don't think it's 100% an issue of step-pareninting, but parenting differences in general. Prior to getting married did you and your husband discuss views of parenting, disciplining, etc...?

 

[yakky doodle]

Am I the only one wondering how much value is placed in this marriage? I keep hearing, "he does this, he doesn't do that" in reference to the husband, but nothing positive about him. Is it that he's dishing out what he receives as well?

just a thought.

 

[vraiblonde]

Kimmy, #1, why would you want to be best friends with a 7 year old?

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable by expecting certain things out of your son. You've also not given any examples that I feel are not age-appropriate.

Since he's your son, you can do whatever you want and raise him however you please. Maybe what Pixie said is right - get a divorce and do what you please without interference from some husband. One of the nice things about a two-parent household is that you have another person around who brings their own ideas, which may be better than yours. But if you're not open to to it, then you shouldn't be part of a two-parent household.

 

[Kimmy]

Yes my husband and I did discuss the issue before we got married. I guess I might as well finish the rest of the story. My husband and I had some problems at the beginning of our marriage. All the responability was left for me to do instead of it being 50 50. Well he would leave for a couple of days and it would hurt my son. The youngest was to young to understand. He would come back like nothing happened. I think that he may still be hurt because of him just leaving and then coming back. But we seeked counseling and everything is good now. Just the correcting issues with my son. I know that he needs to be correct when doing wrong but I would just like for him to do it in a different manner. I have talked to him about it and thing will go good for about a week and then back down hill again.

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by yakky doodle
Am I the only one wondering how much value is placed in this marriage?

No, you're not the only one.

 

[Kizzy]

Yakky, the answer is no on that as well from this end.

 

[Kimmy]

Oh believe me I love my husband with all my heart. He has come a lonnnnng way. I will not consider a divorce. Just would like to see his correcting habits change. That is all..

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
Just the correcting issues with my son. I know that he needs to be correct when doing wrong but I would just like for him to do it in a different manner. I have talked to him about it and thing will go good for about a week and then back down hill again.

How, specifically, did you use to correct your son on the issue of leaving his coat on the floor?

And how are you willing to modify that now?

If you're not willing to modify it at all... then that's not fair to your DH and you don't really mean that you want to share parenting with him.

Cause I still say that expecting a grown person to always have to "ask" a child to do something that the child already knows he should do just isn't right... it's giving all the power to the child... at which point you're contradicting yourself when you tell the child that he has to respect your husband.

So how would you prefer that your husband handle just the coat on the floor thing? At what point will there be consequences for your son?

Take care,
Melody

 

[blueeyes76]

Originally posted by Kimmy
Think about when you were a child and when you did something wrong and your parent went on and on about how you should have not don't it didn't it make you kind-of upset?

Yes, but it also made me try harder to do things right, and to respect my parents and their rules. No offense Kimmy, but it sounds like the problem is you are a little too soft.

I lived with a guy who's mother did everything for him when he was a child, cleaned his room for him, did his laundry, cooked for him. What did he expect from me? Everything she did. Remember, your job, as well as your husband's, is to try to make him grow to be a responsible adult.

 

[Kimmy]

It's not like he has to be reminded everyday of things that he didn't do. But if he slips up once oh boy look out. He listen's to everything that I tell him to do without any lip. But when my husband does it he back talks him. That is when I step in and he goes on and does what he has to do. I don't like to step in but if I don't then they sound like brothers fighting back and forth. I have a displine plan that I use and it is "Three Strike's and Your Out." First it a warning, Second is a talk, and Third is the good old butt wooping." I never ever get to the third one because the talk does the job. That is what I would like for my husband to do.

 

[Kizzy]

I lived with a guy who's mother did everything for him when he was a child, cleaned his room for him, did his laundry, cooked for him. What did he expect from me? Everything she did. Remember, your job, as well as your husband's, is to try to make him grow to be a responsible adult.

I married one and it is tough. I had to put my foot down early on and say hold up, I'm not your mother. I think some parents just think it is easier to just do it themselves instead of putting a foot down.

 

[Kimmy]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
Yes, but it also made me try harder to do things right, and to respect my parents and their rules. No offense Kimmy, but it sounds like the problem is you are a little too soft.

I lived with a guy who's mother did everything for him when he was a child, cleaned his room for him, did his laundry, cooked for him. What did he expect from me? Everything she did. Remember, your job, as well as your husband's, is to try to make him grow to be a responsible adult.

That is one thing that I learned from my husband. He is a momma's boy and she did everything for him except wipe his butt. (She did everything including balance his checkbook) I do not clean my son's room nor do I pick up after him. He has a list of chore's that is expected of him everyday and he does them. I refuse to let any of my boys be a momma's boy. He$$ no!!

 

[blueeyes76]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I refuse to let any of my boys be a momma's boy. He$$ no!!

I wasn't implying that you were, I was just using that as an example.

 

[Kimmy]

Let me use an example of what happened last night. D was sitting at the table he was up to the table as far as he could go. He got a couple of noodles on his shirt and the H got so upset that he took the chair and pushed it up more. He was up as close as he could get and he pushed him up even more so that it put pressure on his stomach. He had to push himself out some because it hurt. He had his head over his plate as far as it could go. We have a booster chair but he is to big for it. He is a weird height right now so when he sits down he butt is not able to touch the back so he can sit up straight. Where is legs bend is causing him not to be able to sit up straight. He would have to sit with his legs straight out to sit up stragiht.

 

[pixiegirl]

Kimmy don't get pissed at this but I'm going to go all out and say what I think. This sound too much like the relationship I had with my ex husband not to chime in.

First it sounds like you're having a control issue/power struggle with your husband probably fueled by the crappy way he use to treat you and your son. You said that he use to leave for days then come back like nothing was wrong. Apparently you couldn't stop him and I think you're probably harboring some resentment and are trying to compensate by running the show now.

That's not a personal attack by any means. My ex use to do the same thing. Long before I even married him. I found myself telling him what to do and/or how to do things and I would get soooo pissed and irritated when he wouldn't. It was absolutely a compensation for how he treated me before. Though I really didn't realize it at the time.

Second, being a single mother currently raising my son on my own I can empathize. My boyfriend was mad about something that I had done and instead of having the issue out with me he chalked it up to me being an irresponsible mother. I was furious. No one had the right to use my son as a weapon, especially someone who wasn't the parent.

Being a single mother doing it completely on my own I feel that I have rights and say that no one else does. Yet I take into consideration that if I marry this man one day I will have to share those rights, especially when and if we have children together. My boyfriend has been around since my son was 2 months old. Thank God my son is not at the age of needing discipline yet. I do think that when you marry someone and you're the one bringing the child into the relationship you have to consider how lucky you are to have found someone that is willing to help raise that child when the other biological parent is absent. No matter how long you raised your son on your own; you're not on your own anymore. You married this man and you had a child with him.

Just as someone else said; if you're having these issues with this child you're going to have them with the next as well. IMHO it's a control issue with you most likely fueled by your husband's past indiscretions. You say you love your husband and don't plan on leaving him. If that's the case then it's your responsibility to make things better for yourself and your children. I think that you and your husband would benefit from additional counseling and family counseling as well with your son.

Not trying to overstep any bounds or harp on you. I've been where you're at with my ex husband. I know how it feels and that you probably can't see it. I've been there, I've done it. Eventually I realized that I really didn't love my ex, that it had become a war. He treated me bad and I was bound and determined to make him treat me right and make up for what he had done no matter what the cost. Finally I realized I couldn't change him I could only change me.

 

[Kimmy]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
I wasn't implying that you were, I was just using that as an example.

I know I just wanted to let the reader's no. I would be destroying his life if he were a momma's boy!!!

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
It's not like he has to be reminded everyday of things that he didn't do. But if he slips up once oh boy look out. He listen's to everything that I tell him to do without any lip. But when my husband does it he back talks him. That is when I step in and he goes on and does what he has to do. I don't like to step in but if I don't then they sound like brothers fighting back and forth. I have a displine plan that I use and it is "Three Strike's and Your Out." First it a warning, Second is a talk, and Third is the good old butt wooping." I never ever get to the third one because the talk does the job. That is what I would like for my husband to do.

I think you need to handle the backtalking your son does to your DH a little more agressively than that. If I'm reading you right, you're saying that you are handling the backtalking in this same way... except that it's not working.

Why doesn't your son give you any backtalk? What would you do if he did?

It must be very frustrating for your husband. Perhaps if you can better address the issue of your son talking back, then your husband will back off on the other issues.

Take care,
Melody