Spousal abuse

[TurboK9]

So what goes on in a male's head that leads them to hit the woman they are with? Especially when it's a fairly big dude and a tiny petite little gal? Seriously. Is this learned behavior or something broken in the brain pan?

I had the ocassion to respond to just such an incident... and I can't wrap my head around how... I mean, I'm 6'3" and cannot even picture striking any female out of anger, let alone one that is 4'10" and less than half my body weight...

I just don't get it. How can a man think this is OK? Anyone know the actual reason some guys do this (as opposed to "some guys are jerks" or some other over simplified answer)?

 

[Proud_Nana]

I beleive they feel the need to be superior and in control at all times. I was an abused spouse for 7 years, and always felt it was my fault for one reason or another. They manage to brain wash you that way. I still wrestle to this day, at times, as to what I am worth and why people care about me. I can honestly say that I would go through it all again to get where I am now. Three wonderful sons came from that abusive relationship, and currently celebrating 25 years in a second marriage. I was fortunate....I came out alive Many don't!

 

[ginwoman]

Control. Probably witnessed it themselves as boys and think its the way to handle a woman.

 

[BuddyLee]

Unraveling.

Some people just lose it for a moment.

 

[TurboK9]

Unraveling.

Some people just lose it for a moment.

MMmmm maybe sometimes... this was at least the third time this guy has done this... we had a 'chat' about it, don't know if it'll do any good... I talked to her too, and now at least she knows she's got help if she wants it. :shrug: Don't really know what else to do.

Seems to me this is definitely more in the 'control' category... but even that, you don't need to beat someone to control them. It's just mind boggling to me I guess. Like people who seriously abuse little kids. I just don't get the mindset. Personally, every fiber of my being rails against that sort of behavior so when I encounter it it's almost surreal.

 

[BuddyLee]

MMmmm maybe sometimes... this was at least the third time this guy has done this... we had a 'chat' about it, don't know if it'll do any good... I talked to her too, and now at least she knows she's got help if she wants it. :shrug: Don't really know what else to do.

Seems to me this is definitely more in the 'control' category... but even that, you don't need to beat someone to control them. It's just mind boggling to me I guess. Like people who seriously abuse little kids. I just don't get the mindset. Personally, every fiber of my being rails against that sort of behavior so when I encounter it it's almost surreal.

Crazy behavior to me as well. That's why it's not set in stone, black and white. Could be any number of factors or a combination. In any case, it's wrong.

I know I personally could never do it. Makes me sick to my stomach. Seeing it in action has it's lasting impressions.

 

[glhs837]

Some, I think, its learned, from Dad perhaps. Others, I think its control through and based on fear. If they dont make the other fear them, they dont think they have any control, because they know they only obey what they fear. Those types, I think can never really change, and will only stop if they fear the consequences of being abusive.

My sisters first husband was abusive, this was back when he was 20 and she was 17. She left then, never went back to him. I think he was the first type. They are a good bit older now, and he has actually turned into a decent guy, treats his wife right. Not sure when he learned, must have been sometime during the 15 years he was not a part of my sisters life. Luckily, none of his kids seem to have picked it up. The cycle can be broken.

 

[suthrncom4t]

My father was an abusive arsehole to my mother for 30 yrs. Personally, I'd like to see someone bigger than him, kick his/their f-ing arse everytime they lay a hand on a woman in anything but a loving manner. Feel it. Know what it feels like...know what I mean?

 

[ArkRescue]

I think a sign that things may not go well in a relationship is when the guy doesn't ever accept responsibility for anything he's done wrong. Then when he hits his woman he blames HER for "making"him do it. Really now? How did SHE make HIM hit her?

Oh there's also the type that hits (violent temper), then apologizes for it, but it becomes a repeated event ..... over, and over, and over ........ I LOVE YOU he says ..... (he only THINKS he loves her .... love does not include regular (or irregular) abuse ....

Usually it is control ..... plain and simple. You will do as I say or else. You will fear me and quiver in your shoes for fear that I may hit you again. You will continue to fear me and therefore be a good woman to me.

Being 5' tall and so small, I can't possibly be much of a threat to anyone, especially not a big guy.

MMmmm maybe sometimes... this was at least the third time this guy has done this... we had a 'chat' about it, don't know if it'll do any good... I talked to her too, and now at least she knows she's got help if she wants it. :shrug: Don't really know what else to do.

Seems to me this is definitely more in the 'control' category... but even that, you don't need to beat someone to control them. It's just mind boggling to me I guess. Like people who seriously abuse little kids. I just don't get the mindset. Personally, every fiber of my being rails against that sort of behavior so when I encounter it it's almost surreal.

 

[craberta]

I was once an abused wife,

I decidied after his first attempt to beat me that I did not like it. I beat the crap out of him with my fists. I hit him like a man would hit him. I balled up my fists and punched him 3 times, it was a right-left-right, and it was over. We were in a pool, and he had been messing with a teenage girl. I was a teen myself, but I knew he was a pervert by then, so I had warned him, "touch that girl one more time and I will beat the crap out of you". He smiled and did it again. Anyway there was a large audience of fellow appartment dwellers, so he was more embarrased. I gave him a huge black eye. It was followed by him hitting me on the head while I dried my hair, and then again the next night, He was embarrased and was trying to get me for it. I knew I was going to kill him, so I dumped him. The next man in my life, I lived with for a year before I married him. He has never laid a hand on me in anger. He is my teddy bear. Men who beat weaker smaller people should never get to be with a woman, or have kids. I chose not to live my life that way, or allow my child to witness that crap like I did throughout my childhood. I did consider my Mom a coward, and didn't want to be like her. I forgot to add that I wrote A$$hole bacwards with perm marker on his forehead so he could read it right way in the mirror the next day, he went to work like that, along with the black eye.

 

[wittykitty]

A man I dated hit me only once. Actually he threw me down the stairs. I was far from home and scared of having nowhere to go, but luckily I had a friend who didn't ask any questions and helped me get back on my feet.

Before I left, I put Nair in his shampoo and took the cover off the air return in his bedroom and deposited frozen fish and meat from the fridge. He'd met another woman and I thought the stench in the bedroom would help his new romance.

 

[TurboK9]

My father was an abusive arsehole to my mother for 30 yrs. Personally, I'd like to see someone bigger than him, kick his/their f-ing arse everytime they lay a hand on a woman in anything but a loving manner. Feel it. Know what it feels like...know what I mean?

Well, I didn't beat him down, but I did punch him in the mouth hard enough to knock him on his arse when he called her a b*tch in front of me. He never actually got it all out... He really calmed down and dropped the attitude after that too. I think some of these guys have never been treated that way themselves, and this guy, now he knows...

At any rate, I heard from her this AM he has agreed to counseling, which he wouldn't do before. I'd like to think I helped with that.

 

[RPMDAD]

Regretfully, incidents like this seem to increase around the holiday season, i heard multiple 10-16's going out yesterday ( domestic problems). Thank you Turbo for stepping in and making a difference. I have done the same as you did and have stepped in the middle of it before, sometimes the abuser and abusee learn but regretfully a lot of times they don't and the cycle just continues.

 

[EmptyTimCup]

I had the ocassion to respond to just such an incident... and I can't wrap my head around how...

You Never Met MY EX-Wife .......... I had to divorce that ##### or I was going to end up killing her .... (not making excuses for Neanderthal's that beat women because they can) my Ex knew all the buttons to push, her shouting matches were character assignations ... not a meaningful discussion about what I did wrong this time ......... but things I did wrong 6 months ago or last yr ....

 

[TurboK9]

We learn at an early age that when we start crying there are going to be guys showing up with their ####s sticking out looking to exploit the situation. So, your knight-in-shining-armor routine doesn't fool me any more than the women's babe-in-the-woods routines.

Nice try. It was my 'little' cousin. Family, jackass. Knight in shining armor? For family? You bet your ass.

Blow me.

 

[Baja28]

We learn at an early age that when we start crying there are going to be guys showing up with their ####s sticking out looking to exploit the situation. So, your knight-in-shining-armor routine doesn't fool me any more than the women's babe-in-the-woods routines.

You sound like someone who needs a good punch or three.

 

[TurboK9]

You Never Met MY EX-Wife .......... I had to divorce that ##### or I was going to end up killing her .... (not making excuses for Neanderthal's that beat women because they can) my Ex knew all the buttons to push, her shouting matches were character assignations ... not a meaningful discussion about what I did wrong this time ......... but things I did wrong 6 months ago or last yr ....

Oh don't get wrong... I've been with women before like that. But wanting to knock the crap out of someone half your size, and actually doing it, are two different things. I've had my share of shouting matches and reduced one or two to tears, sure. But hit out of anger? Um, no. If it is that bad, then you do what you did, get out. :shrug: Women aren't the only ones who can ditch an abusive or manipulative relationship. :shrug:

 

[ArkRescue]

I agree in can go either way. Isn't always physical abuse either.

Most men KNOW if the woman they are with is the type to put him down excessively or not. If she's that type and you don't like that, why are you with her? Why put up with that?

For ETC? Not sure WHAT was going on for her to have such an extensive list of bad stuff to draw on that spanned months and months on end?

Oh don't get wrong... I've been with women before like that. But wanting to knock the crap out of someone half your size, and actually doing it, are two different things. I've had my share of shouting matches and reduced one or two to tears, sure. But hit out of anger? Um, no. If it is that bad, then you do what you did, get out. :shrug: Women aren't the only ones who can ditch an abusive or manipulative relationship. :shrug:

 

[oldman]

Don't remember why but my first wife pissed me off and I slapped her. She slapped me back. First and only time that ever happened. I don't like getting beat up.

 

[Baja28]

A man should never hit a woman.


Unless she doesn't listen.