The breakup - guys, help a sista out

[Hank]

The best way to break up with a guy, especially one you've been in a relationship with for 10 years (hypothetical) is to covertly move all of his clothes and other personal items out of your house one morning, after he has left for work, and put them somewhere else...then call him on the phone at work and tell him to go look where you put the stuff. Don't leave any hints as to why you want him to go look in that place; that would spoil the surprise.

Oh..and leave a nice letter of explanation on top of the stack of clothes.

My .02, anyway. Some of the other idears are good too.

How many guys have you broken up with?

 

[Inkd]

Honesty, every time. I would rather get the truth up front, no matter how hard it is to accept, than to find out later on down the road I was lied to.

 

[Inkd]

I have tried that approach, it never works. I swear men like women better when they are mean. My whole entire female side of the family is a good example. My sister is mean as #### to her husband, so are all of my cousins. They've all been married forever. Go figure. :shrug:

I've seen it work both ways. I was roomates with a guy who seemed to only go for mean a$$ psycho's. I also had plenty of lady friends who stayed with guys who just used them as doormats. I never could figure it out.

 

[Bann]

I've seen it work both ways. I was roomates with a guy who seemed to only go for mean a$$ psycho's. I also had plenty of lady friends who stayed with guys who just used them as doormats. I never could figure it out.

No self worth.

 

[itsbob]

I swear I click on a thread with your name to see what you posted because I like what you say. It could be time for a change.


And for the record, just be honest right up front.

I think this is her way of breaking up with you.

 

[Larry Gude]

I think honesty is about the only thing you've a right to expect from a relation. At least, it's about the only thing you should expect and ask for. When you ask for or expect much more, you're setting yourself up to be less likely to get that honesty. It took me a lot of mistakes and a lot of hurting (and hurt) feelings to get to that enlightenment; but now and going forward I hope to never feel entitled to ask for much more than honesty.

If you want to be here right now (whatever being here happens to mean), then be here right now. If tomorrow you don't, then don't. For that matter, if at any time you don't want to be here, then I'd prefer you not be. That's all you owe me - the feeling that if you are here right now, it's because this is where you want to be right now. It's not because this is where you wanted to be yesterday. It's not because this is where you wanted to be last month or last year. It's not because you made some commitment. It's not because you feel some obligation or don't want to hurt feelings. It's because... at this moment, there's no place you'd rather be than here.

If someone wants to be with you, and you're happy together, great. If they don't, but you still do, maybe that's not so great. It is what it is though, their lying about it (or avoiding being upfront with you about how they feel) won't change that. So... method A.

How many people do you know who are capable of being honest with themselves? And I say this not as a knock but, as a simple reality. Presuming you are the most honest person in the world with yourself and others, what does this mean at 20 years of age? That you are THIS person and like THIS and THAT and don't like THAT nor THAT? Or, that you are less definitive and really aren't sure about this and/or that and the other thing? Some combination of both definitive and evolving?

Love, what it even is, sex, money, family, faith, politics, entertainment, responsibility, right and wrong?

Now, how did that compare to who you were at 25? 30? Add in some kids along the way. Health issues. Maybe a lost job? Things change. We change. We grow. We learn.

I mean, how many couples, ostensibly as compatible as it gets, are together as young adults and, only as an example, he is working to be a doctor, earnestly, she wanting to be married to a doctor and, during, say, residency, he's had it. Then what? They better evolve together or...

Point being there are TONS of what I consider benign forces and influences in this life that don't stop forming and shaping us at 20 years old. Or even 30. Hell, all sorts of people find their 'calling' later in life, 50, even 60. And we are all trying to go through this modern life with expectations of what a relationship is that were formed and formalized in an age when you were born, became what you were gonna be pretty early and that's all you did, every day, for a relatively short life and that is all because of the limitations of what the world used to be and this is to say nothing of how we are all hard wired, our biological drives and that is to say nothing about the endless variations in all of us based on all the endless experiences, accidents, teachings and so forth that add up to the lives, to the person each and every one of us REALLY is. At that time.

Now add the modern world to that equation.

I mean, to Vrai's question, imagine true honesty; START a new relationship with the premise of this will very likely NOT be THE relationship for either of us. "Hi, nice to meet you! This won't last long so, whadday having?" That would make break ups simple; there is no breakup because, in a PURE honesty universe, ANY coupling is temporary because of the form and function of the world we live in. Because of human nature. Because of...you name it. There's be no expectations, no right, no wrong, no values, no judgment. In short, Europeans and have you seen their idea of blue jeans and footwear????

Your 'if you wanna be here' part is beautiful in it's simplicity, it's purity but, if we all operated that way, in the, in our 'real' world, would ANYONE be together?

Vrai asks a valid question but, it disappears in the human miasma that makes up each of us as individuals.

Consider the responses; some guys may well WANT her to be a bytch thereby obviating them of ANY responsibility in coming to grips with why SHE may not be right for them. "But, she's beautiful!" or smart or sexy or has her own house, whatever. But, do they realize this? Are they being 'honest' with themselves?

Some guys may prefer the 'fade'. Do they know this? Really?

And not to knock guys, do ALL women, most, (some?) even know what they are all about, honest with THEMSELVES?

I submit to the group that life is complex, we are complex. Everything about us, around us, conspires, benignly, or otherwise, to challenge who we are, what we do, what matters, pretty much all the time. As attractive as 'honesty' sounds man, I am the most honest person I know;

I have no idea.

 

[Gilligan]

How many guys have you broken up with?

Make sure you post similar comments in response to the suggestions provided by other male forum members too...azzwipe.

 

[struggler44]

I think we are ok with break up no matter how the woman presents it as long as we keep having sex until something else comes along that fills the potential void ..... Hail To The V

 

[czygvtwkr]

I have tried that approach, it never works. I swear men like women better when they are mean. My whole entire female side of the family is a good example. My sister is mean as #### to her husband, so are all of my cousins. They've all been married forever. Go figure. :shrug:

There is something about a woman that is bat #### crazy.

 

[JenniferCNJR]

Honesty is the best policy. Avoiding calls or confrontation only leads to future drama. Spill what's in the heart and be done and over with it. No matter the method....it can be difficult. Honesty provides closure. Skirting around the issue leaves the door open. For goodness sake....just be honest even if it hurts.

 

[Railroad]

here we go again (and no, this is not specifically about me or my breakup so don't start).

Gentlemen, which method would you prefer a woman employ when breaking up with you: The honest approach ("you're a great guy but i don't feel we're right for each other, this thing has run its course, probably time for us both to move on) or the fade (where she stops taking your calls, is too busy to see you, etc etc)?

This is assuming that you still like her and would like to continue to see her.

I'm a big fan of honesty and the clean cut. I think it's more respectful and doesn't jerk the other person around. However it appears that i'm in the minority among my dating peers. I'm curious what guys think about this when it's them getting the boot.

be honest

 

[Dupontster]

Best break up letter on FB.... Strong language so don't read if you are easily offended...

https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=157229524287436

 

[vraiblonde]

Best break up letter on FB.... Strong language so don't read if you are easily offended...

https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=157229524287436

Yep. That was honest.

 

[sockgirl77]

D, you can can this post if ya want to, b/c you may have already read it, idk. just reposted, since Kwillia dumped her post. I have no qualms with you having my number, just in case. Ya never know. 1-251-x2x-xx7x,. All ya have to do is ask privately, I trust you. A totally honest phone chat. No rush, just think about it, that is the adult thing to do.

My reply was honest.

Today, 11:37 AM #52

Originally Posted by vraiblonde View Post

Here we go again (and no, this is not specifically about me or my breakup so don't start). Gentlemen, which method would you prefer a woman employ when breaking up with you: the honest approach ("you're a great guy but I don't feel we're right for each other, this thing has run its course, probably time for us both to move on) or the fade (where she stops taking your calls, is too busy to see you, etc etc)? This is assuming that you still like her and would like to continue to see her. I'm a big fan of honesty and the clean cut. I think it's more respectful and doesn't jerk the other person around. However it appears that I'm in the minority among my dating peers. I'm curious what guys think about this when it's them getting the boot.



Kwillia, ya think about it. Prolly 1 of the most sensible posts this user has made. Ya see, it`s not only an Agenda, those thoughts were HONEST without any rehearsal or bs, spontaneous & direct.

Are you perfect???????? don`t think so. not bein a smartbutt, but u asked.

If she didn`t read it initially, then I may have sent it privately. But (poor grammar beginning a sentence with but/howeva)..........
this way I`m quite sure she`s read this.

Confidence, that`s what a woman looks for in a guy, dang right.

I don`t judge her on who or whoeva r not her shadows/followers. What I say or may say to her, that's up to her to determine who(m), she shares that info with. Trust is earned & neva a given.
As far as FB, no way in heck. Phone # no dang way. Only she will know it.
btw. thnx 4 quotin, predictability is alive in this website.

feel free 2 kurrekt any tipos, idrc.

Outspoken within any realm of sound judgement & proper reasoning. I aint stupid. silly a lil, but we all r.

aftaall justa pooazzredneck w/no $ = Lance.

She knows my zipcode, plus otha info that is only Privy. dial 1-251-


Combine the posts so that David can biatch about 2 many bytes, joke y`all, doesn`t even make a dent.


Reposted briefly.

Honesty is always #1. Declining to accept a phonecall is a surefire no ty sign from either.
If someone asks you, no matter how, a simple honest phonechat can make a huge difference, imo. You seem to be smart also, and a lot can be known quickly in that phonechat.
That in most cases, if a guy is smart, does not constitute a sin.Can learn a lot just by an innocent fonchat. IMO, any chick/woman who continually refers (if the case may be) about her EX w/eva (bf/former husband blah blah blah etc) is a def turnoff.
This valuable (maybe once in a lifetime) time is to exchange info & converse about 2 ppl who`ve taken the (leap) to at least say Hello (or Hey as it may be).
Don't make verbal comparisons i.e., you remind me of, or he/she`d have said that also. Maybe l8r if you become friends sure, but never ever initially. A very smart guy will just walk & say "I`m not him". gtg
If you`re on a rebound, it`s obvious. If you wish to (possibly) develop a friendship only, that may work for some. If a person shows interest, a smart person will make it known without (possibly) words or an Overt comeon.

Everyone is different as you well know, we (as in plural humans) are ourselves & individually made up from different pasts/lifestyles/present lives.Smart ppl exchange certain info/matters if they feel comfortable, if not then that HONESTY as you say does not or will possibly ever exist. Just say Hey was nice talkin (telephonically or in person) with ya, wish ya well, have a nice day, & Bye.
If you live in the past, fine, just don`t share the past about yr EX with a potential Gr8 future. Smart guys can see right thru the bs V.

Justa a comment: Sure you have ties/past, etc in NE/OK/TX for example, & this user/poster admires them; however you haven`t lived everything yet in your life. Be bold besides in this venue & just be yourself & maybe say Hey to someone without any prejudgment or assumptions. May be one of the smartest moves you`ve made to date.

Justa comment. A BDF is Priceless.Niceness is Priceless

I`ll give you my fon # in a PM, but I trust you not to share it. & do not save it on yr fon, embed it in yr memory bank brain.

If not, then just be HONEST & say ty or no ty.

U know the sayin well, You asked for a Real Guys opinion/feelings, u got it.

No harm done, just common courtesy dictates a common courteous reply.

 

[Dupontster]

x2.

 

[RoseRed]

x2.

x3.

 

[Railroad]

It takes a bit of self-control and class to keep one's heart out of the public eye.

But be honest and don't wait, when the breakup is apparently imminent. You don't have to be brutal, but you can be fair and open with the person you're breaking up with.

People seem to think that all this stuff is some kind of dance or game, and they forget that hearts and lives sometimes hang in the balance. Not safe territory.

 

[SamSpade]

Here we go again (and no, this is not specifically about me or my breakup so don't start).

Funny you should mention it this way - the most common way I know of for a GUY to break up with a girl is to just act like a jerk, show lack of interest, call on the phone less until she just gets fed up and boots him out. It's the weasel way out, because you make HER do it so you don't have to deal with it.

Worse, women are socially far more adept than almost all men. I'd say most women see right through this. Their biggest concern is, is his jerk behavior a speed-bump, or am I kicking his sorry ass out because he doesn't want to be with me anymore?

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure it would work with all but the most clingy of men, especially if the sex part completely disappeared. Men are too dumb to figure it out. Their egos just won't let them.

Most women who broke up with me were fairly straight up about it. It still hurt. It hurt just as much to see them with someone else within a week - meaning, this was a planned escape, not a soul-searching, heart-wrenching epiphany. One came up with a real song and dance about MY lack of commitment - only to learn that she'd only dated me in the first place to get some OTHER guy interested.

-
-

Breakups are never good, but it does spare a GUY's feelings to let him think he chose to end it. It's always easier on the person doing the dumping.

 

[vraiblonde]

Worse, women are socially far more adept than almost all men. I'd say most women see right through this. Their biggest concern is, is his jerk behavior a speed-bump, or am I kicking his sorry ass out because he doesn't want to be with me anymore?

Interesting - I just went through this. Was he really a cowardly jerk or did I jump the gun in giving him the boot?

Turns out that he is indeed a jerk and I should have left him on the side of the road where I dumped him 3 months ago. But at least now I know for sure.

I think most of the time our initial impressions are the correct ones and we talk ourselves into "believing" what we want to believe. I mean, really, you can make a silk purse out of any sow's ear if you try hard enough.

Breakups are never good, but it does spare a GUY's feelings to let him think he chose to end it. It's always easier on the person doing the dumping.

You're right about that in theory, but geez - it just drags out forever. "Okay, I'm trying to be as big a ##### as I know how, yet you keep hanging on! WTH is wrong with you???"

 

[kwillia]

Women of all ages who are in the dating arena need to watch "He's Just Not That In To You" at least once every 6 months.

BTW, my sister said the book is even better than the movie as far as offering actual insight.