The Life of an Addict

[mamatutu]

I've lived it, but not with a child. I disagree that outside advice can't be helpful

I do get hyped up about this subject. You are right that you never know what statement, or piece of advice could hit home; whether it be from outside or within. I just have a personal interest/perspective. Thanks for the discussion, which is always a good thing.

 

[BernieP]

So are the drugs they use.

The drugs are relatively cheap

Most people now consider alcoholism a disease, and nobody would offer an alcoholic a drink. Yet drug addiction is treated just like alcoholism. The problem isn't that the doctors prescribe medications, the prescribed a opiate to a patient that was an addict. The served the alcoholic up a shot.

 

[Railroad]

Addiction is a burden to be borne and dealt with by the addict. Normal folks affected by the addicts they know pay a special and terrible price. How people react to addicts, to coddle or condemn as is their inclination, is a side effect of the addict's condition. Label it a disease or an inclination or a choice or any number of labels, addiction is still a fact. Twelve-step programs, raw nerve, substitutions, relocations, therapy, hypnosis, etc., are among the many things which addicts can try in order to get over their addicition. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, in theory or in practice, which works for everyone. And although non-addicts are perplexed and angered and hurt, none of them can fully understand the depth and breadth of the personal hell which is living addicted. In reality, no labels or sweeping generalizations matter a bit when one is struggling to recover from the condition. The external influences and indications cause people to instinctively judge and react - that's human nature.

 

[BOP]

Well, the objective observer tends to cut to the chase. Like a woman with an abusive ahole boyfriend. The answer is simple: dump him.

Then the emotionally involved woman says, "But I looooove him! I don't know how I can live without him!" However, the solution to her problem remains, "Dump him." The alternative is to continue to try and manage a situation that you have no control over.

It's like that in dealing with an addict: you want something that they do not want and you try to manage their situation that you have no control over. You blame yourself for the addict's behavior (that you have no control over, btw) and transfer the responsibility that belongs to them over to yourself. Now they have one more excuse to not get their #### together: it's not their fault and someone will take care of them. And what happens is that they end up controlling you.

I have known people who fell to the depths of hell from addiction and lost everything, and they came back to have a pretty nice life. I've also known people who killed themselves with drugs and booze. It's a crapshoot and you can choose whether to allow this person to control you or not.

Add me to the bolded list. And I'm thankful every day that I didn't end up on the second list.

I have no one to blame for where my life went, except me. I made the choices; no one forced me into anything.

 

[my-thyme]

Add me to the bolded list. And I'm thankful every day that I didn't end up on the second list.

I have no one to blame for where my life went, except me. I made the choices; no one forced me into anything.

 

[vraiblonde]

I have no one to blame for where my life went, except me. I made the choices; no one forced me into anything.

And there's your recovery right there: taking responsibility for your actions and decisions.

 

[Bann]

Well, the objective observer tends to cut to the chase. Like a woman with an abusive ahole boyfriend. The answer is simple: dump him.

Then the emotionally involved woman says, "But I looooove him! I don't know how I can live without him!" However, the solution to her problem remains, "Dump him." The alternative is to continue to try and manage a situation that you have no control over.

It's like that in dealing with an addict: you want something that they do not want and you try to manage their situation that you have no control over. You blame yourself for the addict's behavior (that you have no control over, btw) and transfer the responsibility that belongs to them over to yourself. Now they have one more excuse to not get their #### together: it's not their fault and someone will take care of them. And what happens is that they end up controlling you.

I have known people who fell to the depths of hell from addiction and lost everything, and they came back to have a pretty nice life. I've also known people who killed themselves with drugs and booze. It's a crapshoot and you can choose whether to allow this person to control you or not.

I have, too. This is why I refused to enable the person I am referring to when they were going through it.

In the case I am talking about, I was the *only one who totally stood by my convictions about it and I was very unpopular for it. I stood alone. It caused me great stress, and great emotional pain, but I found my own support network to help me stand by my convictions. I didn't have to feel stress and didn't have to feel pain over it, but I loved this person so much I didn't want to see them do that to themselves. I didn't let that weaken me or my stance that I was doing the right thing by them. (by absolutely refusing to enable them). I refused to be a byproduct of their own chosen self-destruction.

 

[Railroad]

I have, too. This is why I refused to enable the person I am referring to when they were going through it.

Being an enabler, no matter how well-meaning, prolongs the agony for all concerned. Compassion sometimes must take the form of tough love. Once recovery starts, positive encouragement is a really big deal.

 

[BernieP]

Being an enabler, no matter how well-meaning, prolongs the agony for all concerned. Compassion sometimes must take the form of tough love. Once recovery starts, positive encouragement is a really big deal.

This is true, as was what Bann said about standing alone.
The problem is first recognizing that you are dealing with an addict.
Then seeking help for yourself.

I know a couple who were both "trained to recognize" drug problems, they just didn't recognize that an immediate family member was an addict.
Support groups, forums, books, any form of education helps you learn.
You learn that addicts are great liars, they are great salesmen. Con artists.
While your instinct is to help, you learn you can't force them to stop, to seek help.
You learn that the law is on their side, it protects them.
1. you can't force them into treatment
2. you can't get a peace bond to stop harassment because they are a family member
3. you can't get a protective order unless there is real violance
4. it's hard as hell to evict them from your home. The courts are very sensitive to the lack of services and are not inclined to throw people out onto the street (from a family home).
5. People who are not educated (on addiction and addicts) see your tough love as rather selfish and will often undo by their uninformed acts of compassion, what you are trying to do.
5. Letting the addict hit rock bottom is not easy, it's painful to watch and it can be over a prolonged period.

 

[Merlin99]

Let me run this theory by you guys and see what you think

Welfare as an addiction,

Definition of ADDICTION

: compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be physically, psychologically, or socially harmful—compare habituation

do you think it fits?

 

[calvertgirl]

For a personal story about a Calvert County family dealing with addiction, read the book "Stay Close" by Libby Cataldi, former headmistress at The Calverton School. Even someone in her position, with the economic resources she had at her disposal, was unable to help her oldest son as he sank deeper and deeper into the hell of addiction. She tried tough love, she tried refusing to help him, but in the end, she had to come to terms with the idea that her son was the only one who could help himself. The title of the book came from words of advice given to her by a priest. A very powerful story that is even more meaningful because it occurred right here at home.

Here's a video interview with Libby and her son Jeff:

Libby Cataldi explains how to Stay Close: A Mother's Story of Her Son's Addiction - YouTube

 

[vraiblonde]

And yet the anarchist Libertarians want to actually legalize this crap and make it more readily available to young people. Crazy stuff.

 

[Railroad]

And yet the anarchist Libertarians want to actually legalize this crap and make it more readily available to young people. Crazy stuff.

I agree. Alcohol is legal, though, and it's a killer, too. People will choose self-destructive behavior for any number of reasons. The legality and availability just raises or lowers the bar of challenge involved. No need to make it easier, though - I see your point, and it's a good one.

 

[inkah]

I have always told you that I think you are a very smart person, and always love your posts. But, you are wrong this time. If you haven't lived it, there is no way you know it, and cannot give any advice that will help. That is just the way it is.

Actually, I would say that most family members are extreme enablers and give the absolute worst advice. My addict's enablers are at least as scary as the addict. They are delusional, in hard core denial and likely contending with their own addictions and mental issues.

And then you have issues with in-fighting. And decision making during traumatic times is extraordinarily difficult.

Sick people getting "help" from sick people....

When I have to go through it, I crave input from the sane.

 

[inkah]

I have, too. This is why I refused to enable the person I am referring to when they were going through it.

In the case I am talking about, I was the *only one who totally stood by my convictions about it and I was very unpopular for it. I stood alone. It caused me great stress, and great emotional pain, but I found my own support network to help me stand by my convictions. I didn't have to feel stress and didn't have to feel pain over it, but I loved this person so much I didn't want to see them do that to themselves. I didn't let that weaken me or my stance that I was doing the right thing by them. (by absolutely refusing to enable them). I refused to be a byproduct of their own chosen self-destruction.

I was this person too, but without the support and I have not figured out how not to be a by-product.

 

[Merlin99]

And yet the anarchist Libertarians want to actually legalize this crap and make it more readily available to young people. Crazy stuff.

Yep, us evil Libertarians believe everyone should be able to go to hell in their own way, not just the government approved ways.

 

[vraiblonde]

Yep, us evil Libertarians believe everyone should be able to go to hell in their own way, not just the government approved ways.

Go to hell all you want, just don't take me and mine with you.

 

[my-thyme]

When I have to go through it, I crave input from the sane.

This is so true, otherwise I go insane.

 

[acommondisaster]

Just how do you catch this disease, anyway? By sleeping with the window open? By kissing the wrong person? By using drugs?

Same way you catch leukemia, you dillrod.

 

[MarieB]

Same way you catch leukemia, you dillrod.

Or mental illness