Urrrgh relationships

[yornoc]

Re: Marriage

Originally posted by romance
Ok well since the subject was brought up. Heres the way I see it.

I will get married when Im ready. My divorce was final in Jan of this year after fighting for it for over 2 years. The thought of marriage scares me. Jaime is understanding about my fear of it. Living together isnt as big as marriage. It has alot of difference. I love him and maybe one day in the far future I will get over my fear of marriage. But after the marriage I had Im not all that sure of it. At least this way we can live together, see how things are and how the other person is day after day of being around them, and who knows like I said one day in the far future it could happen.

Except for the obvious legal aspect, what is/are the difference(s) between living together and being married?

Personally, I think there should be NO difference. If you decide to live together (except in a room-mate type situation), then mentally it should be no different from being married. The commitment should be EXACTLY the same. I think if you go into it saying there is a difference, then there is a problem.

 

[romance]

Well.....He is not the transition guy. I was dating within 3 months of my ex and I seperating. I was even living with a guy for a few months but we split as soon as I got preg. (he left me) He wasnt the transition guy for that either. We were friends for a good while before this happened between us so its nothing like that.

Marriage in my eyes is completely different. But if you were to go through a marriage, divorce, living together and spliting up you would see it at least somewhat from my point of view. To me its the next step before marriage. It gives you a chance to see how the person really is on a day to day basis before you do say "I do". It is all on your aspects and how your life in relationships have been. Nobody can change my mind or views on how I feel so ..................

 

[SxyPrincess]

Romance,

I think you should be more worried and interested in your kids well being. Do you think it's good for them to see guy after guy walking in and out of your life? Are you sure they know who their father(s) is?

I'm not trying to sound like b*$#@ but your kids should be FIRST priority, not some guy!

 

[sgtsprout]

another break from work

IN thunder conditions at work...So heres What I have to say.

Firstly, its too late to sit and say or do anything about the kids. How can you keep kids from getting attached and not get attached to the g/f? Only way to do that would be not to get close at ALL. Well the kids love me. I love them. Now it's hard to say--Don't get attached to a guy unless your going to stay with him the rest of your life. Where are those assurances you will be with someone forever? There are NONE. There is no way to know. Unfortunately kids get hurt. I don't fill them full of BS though at least.

If we break up say, yes they will be hurt. This will happen. I dilike the idea, but at the same time. Such is life. What doesn't kill makes ya stronger....But like Becca she is 4 yrs old. She takes things to heart. Shes a little angel...everything hruts her.

We already decided btw, I decided that is we won't move in yet. We will see how thigns go. The plus to this is me getting my life back in order, consdiering I just moved here from PA too for this job--to a almost more expensive cost of living place.

As far as the differences between marriage and living together. Well to each their own. I agree with Crys, that I want to live together and see how everything is, and goes. Maybe I shouldn't move in without intentions on getting married, but thats not me. Crystal knows that. So the problem is in this the girls getting hurt.

In weighs on me yes. It bothers me. Yes. But does that mean women with children aren't entitled to being happy cause they must push ppl away so their kids won't get hurt. NO. They ar ekids, they aren't glass. They will get over things. Thats part of what parenting is there for. You will help make them understand and make up the difference of say lack of a signifcant other. The whole thing was me not sure if I wanted to move in together.
I think sometimes I want to sometimes I don't. Since I am not 100% I won't yet.

Yes it hurts Crys and even the kids maybe as young as they are. but that doesn't mean I will do things at the expense of being sure.

 

[Christy]

How can you guys be so non-chalant about kids getting hurt? It's not "such is life" to the kids. This stuff is really and truly devastating to kids. My divorce was a fairly cordial one and it was, and still is very hard on my son. The only boyfriend my son ever met was the boyfriend I intended to marry. You most certainly can keep your kids separate from your relationships until it turns into a major commitment. I know plenty of people who simply will not introduce their kids to whoever it is they are dating until it's decided that the children will be a part of both of their lives for the long haul. It's not a difficult thing to do. And it keeps your kids from being on an insane emotional roller coaster.

Just my 2 cents.

And really and truly, I think you guys are both decent people. I'm not out to judge, but you put it out here for all to post opinions. The kid crap comes from experience. It broke my heart watching my son adjust to something new, I couldn't imagine if he had to deal with a new guy in my life every so often. Once was enough for him to cope with.

 

[bknarw]

Originally posted by romance
Well.....He is not the transition guy. I was dating within 3 months of my ex and I seperating. I was even living with a guy for a few months but we split as soon as I got preg. (he left me) He wasnt the transition guy for that either. We were friends for a good while before this happened between us so its nothing like that.

Marriage in my eyes is completely different. But if you were to go through a marriage, divorce, living together and spliting up you would see it at least somewhat from my point of view. To me its the next step before marriage. It gives you a chance to see how the person really is on a day to day basis before you do say "I do". It is all on your aspects and how your life in relationships have been. Nobody can change my mind or views on how I feel so ..................

I've done all of the above. Take it from someone who knows!
And, regardless of what you say, he's STILL the transition guy.

 

[romance]

Ok well .....you may have not meant to come off as a bitch but you did. Plain and simple...........I DO put my kids before my sexual desires my life and my feelings ok. So you all can just quit thinking that right now. My kids have been my life since the day they were born. Jaime and I do think about the kids getting hurt. If we stay together they will be happy and fine. If we dont, same goes. They will be heart broken but in time they will get over it. Becca is the only one I seriously worry about. Shes the soft hearted one. Rachel (3yrs old) is take it or leave type attitude. Its been her since day one and shes fine. I dont have men walking in and out of my life. Im 23 with 3 kids. Im not 12. I know a little bit about the ways of getting hurt. I am deeply offended that any of you could sit and say that I would be putting Jaime first. Just because the kids have not been said in these forums does not mean they are not first on my mind. I think of how my kids are everyday and where they will be say 20 yrs down the road and how what I do now influences them.

For those who think that. Jaime is the first guy who was introduced to the kids right off the bat. I thought Jacobs sperm donor would be around forever. For that matter I thought I thought he would be a dad to his son so I was wrong with both conclusions. I have only let a few men meet my kids and the ones who they have gotten attahed to are still around but of course they were not bf's They were only friends. Other then Jaime only my sons father was the only bf they had met. I watch out for my kids. I wait till I see how it goes first. This time with Jaime it was somewhat different. We had the kids with us and we had been close before they had met. Just dont sit there and judge me till you ahve a mile in my shoes. Or till you know ME

Sorry to yall if that came off as me being a bitch but I felt the need to make it clear my kids do come FIRST!

 

[Katie]

I have been reading this thread...

and as bad as it seems I kind of don't blame you for wanting to wait to move into together. That is a serious move, and especially since there is childern involved it is even harder. Also since your g/f would be moving to a whole other state and not know a soul that is hard also. No offense meant Romance, just pointing out that it is a adjustment to a new place.

 

[Christy]

Well you may have not meant to come off as irresponsible but you did. So back atcha.

You guys hopped on here airing the dirty laundry and asked for opinions. That's what you got. Jeesh!

 

[Katie]

Originally posted by Christy
Well you may have not meant to come off as irresponsible but you did. So back atcha.

You guys hopped on here airing the dirty laundry and asked for opinions. That's what you got. Jeesh!

I agree with you on that one Christy. When my b/f and I are having a discussion, no one knows about it becasue it is none of anyone's business. And we do have it out sometimes.

 

[romance]

No offence taken Katie but the move to where I dont know anyone doesnt bother me. I moved to NC when I married my ex without even him there often since he was a Marine.

I didnt come on here airing my dirty laundry so.whatever there... I dont care for though people who dont know me dont know us I should say and make judgements as to whether we are thinkign about the kids. We have not mentioned them much because I for one know that they will be taken care of and are thought of throughout all of this.

I may be over reacting if I am I'm sure Jaime will point it out to me later, but I take offense to being told Im putting needs of a man before my kids. I take offense to being told more or less im not responsible about them. Its not Im out screwing the world as most women my age. (no offense to anybody my age) I have had more then a couple sex partners but no how was kids involved and since Jaime and I have been together (actually for the past year) there has been no man other then him. I have had friends who are men but no male in my life as a companion of sorts

 

[yornoc]

Originally posted by romance


Sorry to yall if that came off as me being a bitch but I felt the need to make it clear my kids do come FIRST!

IMHO, I think if you truily care about the kids, you would not have been this far. Like Christy said,

You most certainly can keep your kids separate from your relationships until it turns into a major commitment.

This decision shoul have been made prior to your kids being intoduced to your b/f.

Now let us supposed that you live together and it don't not work out...Now what? Move on to the next? And if that don't work either? The next? Get the picture? I think you need to be sure before you get married... and just leave the living together stuff alone.
REMEMBER: Your kids are learning ALL this... Especially your daughter(s).

 

[sgtsprout]

lol

No need to get testy. CRYSTAL. lol
I aired the dirty laundry out here though not her. So she might be upset with me doing that. But as I stated somewhere else. I am open like that. Thing is I am serious about crystal....so whens the right time to introduce kids into someone slife? And how can you say its easy to keep them seperate. What world do you live in?

I guess you have money and family willing to watch children all the time. We surely don't. And me If I was a chick, would want a b/f to interact with the kids myself. It's not like we haven't been serious though.

I think we are all getting a little heated here. Well I'm not cause it doens't bother me.
Crystal CHILL out, take it with a grain of salt. I placed a thread on here ya know. So get what we get. You can be mad at me for that.

The whole "Such is life" comment. Sh@t it is. Life....You can't keep your kids in a cocoon their whole life, shielded byt the dangers of life. Rather, it is better to teach the children how to deal with these dangers and worries. Maybe they won't get their panties in a bunch when they get older. My thinking anyways.
It's not like we aren't thinking of the kids at all. It's a thinking of everyone issue. Yes kids come first...partly another reason why I will hold off on the moving in together.

but no need to be assuming everyone is being a b i t c h to evryone. I know I'm cool here ;-)

 

[romance]

Sorry but I dont recall ever saying I was going to keep moving on. For one Jaime and I were serious about each other before they met. They met after we had said we were dating and he wated the kids as a part of it. The kids have been discussed since day one of us meeting

I dont just bounce around from guy to guy. Ive had 3 serious relationships and 3 guys in my kids lives as something serious. The first was their father the second was my sons father and now Jaime.

What would yall rather have happen..........a woman and her kids have a guy around who makes them happy and loves them.........or just be an old maid with 3 kids living alone on a corner block somewhere??? I mean give me a break. I have kids They are thought of but reality is Im not going to not date and have a chance at everlasting love just because they are in my life. Does it say somewhere in the BOOK OF PARENTING that Im wrong?

 

[migtig]

Okay - I am totally neutral - consider me switzerland LOL. Back to the original train of thought - regardless of the who the what or the why of the matter, don't live with someone unless you are 100%+ positive about the whole thing (big picture and all the little things too) Otherwise you might wind up feeling "trapped" in a situation that you have become unhappy with. There shouldn't be any doubts as to what you are doing, when you are making a committement on such a level. I have seen men and women both locked into relationships that had turned horrid just becuase they were living together sharing responsibilities for kids, bills etc and so therefore felt like they couldn't leave. By having doubts and voicing them, and wanting to wait, you have showed a lot more foresight than you can imagine. Now you two can work on the doubts and any problems and the relationship in general without feeling any additional pressure of adjusting to each other and a new family in the process. Good Luck and I wish you both lots of happiness, and lots of patience.

 

[romance]

Well I think everyone has doubts at times even if you have been together for years. My parents have been together for like 30 yrs this Dec but they ahve had their doubts and still do. Everyone I talk to have doubts. Most of them the person they are with and love them but still doubt at times. I think its natural.

 

[Steve]

Oh crap, it's Christy not Steve!

I just posted without signing off the other half! Doh!

Look Sarge and Romance, just talkin from experience, this kind of stuff has a HUGE effect on kids. Which brings me to another point which is sort of off the topic, but why is it so easy for guys (not all, but many) to walk out of a kids life with no turning back. Say you and Romance spend a few years together, the kids adore you and you guys split. Do you still remain a part of the kids life? Will Romance allow you to be a part of the kids life? All those sorts of questions should be answered NOW.

It just sucks that kids must bear the emotional scars of stupid adult behaviour. I'm pointing fingers at all of us who have been divorced, not just you guys.

My kids are extremely fortunate that all of us, not just me and my ex, but his family, his new wifes family, my husband, his family, the whole lot have made a HUGE effort to keep it all together so that the kids are pretty much shielded from stupid adult actions. You HAVE to shield your kids from all the crap and baggage that they cannot possibly understand. All kids understand is their little tiny world and who they love and who is in their lives to make them happy. They can't understand at all when that person is no longer there.

Kids don't have the life experience to think like we do (Thank God!) Let em be blissfully ignorant to it all for as long as possible is my view.

 

[RFM]

Originally posted by SxyPrincess
Romance,

I think you should be more worried and interested in your kids well being. Do you think it's good for them to see guy after guy walking in and out of your life? Are you sure they know who their father(s) is?

I'm not trying to sound like b*$#@ but your kids should be FIRST priority, not some guy!

You have no idea how much I agree with you. This is one thing that I tell my X and she has no clue how much damage she can do.

 

[Christy]

And Sarge it is easy to date and be a couple without the kids knowing you are a couple. My friend has been dating a guy exclusively for well over a year without her kids knowing he is her significant other. They do stuff all the time together with her kid in groups and the kids think he's just another one of the group of friends. This is how she is testing the waters on if they can all someday be a cohesive family. Her girls absolutely love him and will probably be thrilled to death if they ever do decide make it a move in together or marriage situation.

 

[sgtsprout]

No way

I don't see how. Okie, baby! 4 ear old girl and 3 year old girl. We are suppose to go out on dates with groups of people, every weekend or so?

They may have options open to them allowing them to do that. We don't exactly. That makes no sense to me. There is nothing wrong with a guy being in a womens life with kids. AND the kids knowing about it.

I am trying to fathom..the whole. Go out without kids knowing anything. You think kids are stupid? Well maybe some are lol. her kids, especially the 4yr old is very adept. She knows whats what. And she won't let a guy get close to her mom less shes close to her.

You all seem to be so worried about these children, and thats great. You CAN"T protect kids from everything. Thats not possible. Maybe we are wrong for how we gone about our relationship. But we've been nothing but good to the kids. And the children could get hurt. But look at some of these marriages. people getting divorced after 10 years 15 yrs of marriage. THis is the point of you can't protect kids form every source out there. Heck I'd rather kids know how to adapt better then, be shidled and ignorant to the world. No they don't need to know everything in life at 4 years age. But come join us for day out one day and You see how the 4 year old. Shes the soft spoken Wannabe mommy.

I feel almost bad now for starting this thread. lol. I relize we coiuld have waited and not rushed things so to speak. but I feel like...you all, are like children WILL be damaged.

Children do adapt. It breaks parents hearts as they go adapting. And I am NOT taking this lightly...but come on people. How do you all act with your former ex's who have children. I know darn well everyone else life isn't peaches n creams....so when giving us information/advice how about not assumeing too much though....Or take into consideration. Everyones different.

It seems like some of you parents, are the ones guarding over your kids like they are being stalked by some insane killer on the hunt. Give kids a break. Give them some credit. They don't all end up totaly Messed up cause of messed up parenting. Not EVERYONE can be perfect.