When is Enough...enough?

[WifeandMother]

So...I've known for many years that the husband is still a kid, but thought he'd step up to the plate as a Dad. Well he may not be Ward Cleaver (Showin' my Age) but he's not a complete loser either. So here's the situation... He hardly ever goes to any of the kids activities. When he does go it's like pulling teeth to get him to go. There are no such things as "family" activities, unless it is something he wants to do...like go out on the boat. (not a bad activity...but not necessarily what one wants to do every time) This weekend my daughter had a performance on Friday night, were supposed to go to a party with his family on Saturday, and do Fireworks on Sunday. He's decided that he's not going on Friday night because we, meaning me and our child are ruining his whole weekend. I told him he was being selfish. He said our child was being selfish and she should get a friend. I don't get it. All she and I want is for him to be with us more and he just wants to act like a single 20 something with no responsibilities. Can someone help me understand this? I think I'm losing my mind!!!!!

 

[Sharon]

...

 

[vraiblonde]

You have two options:

Fight with him constantly
OR
Go without him

I suppose you could divorce him, but you haven't indicated that that's a possiblity.

 

[Kain99]

Classic case of crummy communication. Sit down with him in a non confrontational way and ask him to explain what is really going on.

 

[Larry Gude]

You already understand it...

Can someone help me understand this? I think I'm losing my mind!!!!!

...because you said he's still acting like a kid. So, treat him like one; tell him what you expect and why; be more involved with the kids because that's what dads are supposed to do.

Reward him when he does what you tell him. Punish him when he doesn't. If you want the marriage to last, and you have the patience and love, do it with patience and love. He'll feel like a man with a patient and loving wife and step up to the plate, over time, and thank you for it later. Or, he'll never get it but you tried.

If you don't have the patience or love or you're more concerned that you don't thank you should have to treat a grown man like a child about this, even though he is being a child about this, then resent him for it and make him feel like like a child who has a wife who resents him.

Then, when the divorce is final, you'll either feel like you did the right thing or you won't and he'll wish he'd grown up or he won't. And you'll both feel like you didn't really try.

 

[RoseRed]

Go without him and don't even mention you are leaving. Then again, he may not even notice.

 

[WifeandMother]

...because you said he's still acting like a kid. So, treat him like one; tell him what you expect and why; be more involved with the kids because that's what dads are supposed to do.

Reward him when he does what you tell him. Punish him when he doesn't. If you want the marriage to last, and you have the patience and love, do it with patience and love. He'll feel like a man with a patient and loving wife and step up to the plate, over time, and thank you for it later. Or, he'll never get it but you tried.

If you don't have the patience or love or you're more concerned that you don't thank you should have to treat a grown man like a child about this, even though he is being a child about this, then resent him for it and make him feel like like a child who has a wife who resents him.

Then, when the divorce is final, you'll either feel like you did the right thing or you won't and he'll wish he'd grown up or he won't. And you'll both feel like you didn't really try.

Really....I mean...why should I have to treat him like a kid. He should know better. I see your point...but have a hard time understanding why he can't just come to the conclusion himself

 

[Vince]

Really....I mean...why should I have to treat him like a kid. He should know better. I see your point...but have a hard time understanding why he can't just come to the conclusion himself

Kick him in the azz a few times maybe his brain will get the message. :shrug:

 

[mAlice]

Really....I mean...why should I have to treat him like a kid. He should know better. I see your point...but have a hard time understanding why he can't just come to the conclusion himself

Because he's a selfish, immature brat, and you're an enabler.

There vrai. How's that?

 

[WifeandMother]

You have two options:

Fight with him constantly
OR
Go without him

I suppose you could divorce him, but you haven't indicated that that's a possiblity.

It pains me to think of Divorce...not sure if it's because of the affect on my daughter or me.
I'll end up going without him...but doesn't she (my daughter) deserve better than that?

 

[pixiegirl]

Because he's a selfish, immature brat, and you're an enabler.

There vrai. How's that?

You can't change him or his behavior so change your own.

 

[Geek]

It pains me to think of Divorce...not sure if it's because of the affect on my daughter or me.
I'll end up going without him...but doesn't she (my daughter) deserve better than that?

Ok, how is your sex life? Have you tried using something he likes to train him?

 

[BS Gal]

It pains me to think of Divorce...not sure if it's because of the affect on my daughter or me.
I'll end up going without him...but doesn't she (my daughter) deserve better than that?

Were you pregnant with said child when you got married?

 

[pixiegirl]

I'll end up going without him...but doesn't she (my daughter) deserve better than that?

Of course but what are you going to do to make him do better for her? There's nothing you can do. You can't force people to change. Be there for your daughter, love her and raise her well. Life is certainly not always fair but it's your job as her mother to do the best you can for her.

 

[vraiblonde]

There vrai. How's that?

Thank you, sugey

 

[Larry Gude]

You don't have...

Really....I mean...why should I have to treat him like a kid. He should know better. I see your point...but have a hard time understanding why he can't just come to the conclusion himself

...to. He should know better. And you're not having a hard time understanding why; he's immature.

From here, it's about how you choose to deal with him. Maybe love and patience hasn't or won't work. You get to choose what you do.

 

[Larry Gude]

I...

You can't change him or his behavior

....disagree.

 

[vraiblonde]

....disagree.

You can't disagree. Pixie is absolutely dead-on correct.

SHE can't make her husband change his behavior or attitude. He may change it of his own volition, but nobody can make their spouse/SO do anything they don't want to do.

 

[Larry Gude]

Well...

It pains me to think of Divorce...not sure if it's because of the affect on my daughter or me.
I'll end up going without him...but doesn't she (my daughter) deserve better than that?

...you describe him thus;

So...I've known for many years that the husband is still a kid, but thought he'd step up to the plate as a Dad. Well he may not be Ward Cleaver (Showin' my Age) but he's not a complete loser either.

Given your unhappy with the situation, rightly so, you get to choose if you think the situation is hopeless but tolerable, hopeless and intolerable or...maybe there is good reason to keep going and maybe, just maybe, work at it and see if he responds.

 

[mAlice]

Actually, a little background would help. Did hubby want to be a daddy?