Unfaithful partner, what to do

[vraiblonde]

Especially when kids are involved.

I vehemently disagree with this. No woman or man should stay in an abusive relationship "for the children". And unremorseful infidelity is indeed abuse. Kids always know what's going on, or at least that something is wrong, and it sends the wrong message and teaches them the wrong lessons to stay in an abusive marriage and allow them to form that impression as the "norm".

If anything, you would leave the marriage for the children.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

If anything, you would leave the marriage for the children.

^ This. The longer you stay in a dysfunctional relationship, the more you expose your children to do the same.

 

[somdwatch]

OK, so your partner was unfaithful. They swear to you that it was a 1 time thing. Promise never to partake of the forbidden fruit again.

What do you do? Forgive them or toss them to the curb?

Curb, If you truly loved someone, you could not put them through such pain. If you don't love them, it becomes so much easier to be unfaithful.

 

[MMDad]

I vehemently disagree with this. No woman or man should stay in an abusive relationship "for the children". And unremorseful infidelity is indeed abuse. Kids always know what's going on, or at least that something is wrong, and it sends the wrong message and teaches them the wrong lessons to stay in an abusive marriage and allow them to form that impression as the "norm".

If anything, you would leave the marriage for the children.

Staying in an abusive relationship implies ongoing behavior. If so, I would agree with you. But I was under the impression that we are talking about a single instance.

It's never black and white. It's not abuse, it's dishonesty. There is a difference. While the cheater is the guilty party, it's pretty rare that both parties don't share at least part of the blame.

Kids who are old enough can also learn that even big mistakes can be forgiven if the person who made the mistake is willing to change themselves.

The key is to truly look at what is best for the kids. Sometimes that means staying together, and sometimes it means getting out. And those circumstances change over time, so you have to constantly assess the impact on the kids and make the hard decisions when appropriate.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

While the cheater is the guilty party, it's pretty rare that both parties don't share at least part of the blame.

 

[MMDad]

If you get to a point in a relationship where someone is going to cheat, there's usually something very wrong in that relationship anyway. If it was a strong relationship would there be cheating? If it gets to the point of cheating, the other person usually either knows it's bad or is lying to themself.

I'm not saying that justifies cheating, but the entire situation should be looked at before you can pin 100% of the blame on one person.

 

[Bann]

I vehemently disagree with this. No woman or man should stay in an abusive relationship "for the children". And unremorseful infidelity is indeed abuse. Kids always know what's going on, or at least that something is wrong, and it sends the wrong message and teaches them the wrong lessons to stay in an abusive marriage and allow them to form that impression as the "norm".

If anything, you would leave the marriage for the children.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

If you get to a point in a relationship where someone is going to cheat, there's usually something very wrong in that relationship anyway. If it was a strong relationship would there be cheating? If it gets to the point of cheating, the other person usually either knows it's bad or is lying to themself.

I'm not saying that justifies cheating, but the entire situation should be looked at before you can pin 100% of the blame on one person.

I disagree. People cheat for a variety of reasons and it is not always because something is wrong in their relationship.

 

[GWguy]

If you get to a point in a relationship where someone is going to cheat, there's usually something very wrong in that relationship anyway. If it was a strong relationship would there be cheating? If it gets to the point of cheating, the other person usually either knows it's bad or is lying to themself.

I'm not saying that justifies cheating, but the entire situation should be looked at before you can pin 100% of the blame on one person.

That's my thinking too. It's easy to say "they cheated, kick them to the curb." The partner who was 'cheated on' should do some genuflecting to see if they were the reason the SO went astray.

 

[Retrodeb54]

I vehemently disagree with this. No woman or man should stay in an abusive relationship "for the children". And unremorseful infidelity is indeed abuse. Kids always know what's going on, or at least that something is wrong, and it sends the wrong message and teaches them the wrong lessons to stay in an abusive marriage and allow them to form that impression as the "norm".

If anything, you would leave the marriage for the children.

I started to post with MMDAD's quote, but decided to check out the rest of the posts first. Well this makes it the right decision. This is my view exactly. So many try to say stay together "for the children". I don't see fighting all the time, tension in the house *children pick up on this* name calling between parents or physical abuse good for then at all. In addition to the above about sending wrong message. How can any of this be better for the children?

 

[MMDad]

I disagree. People cheat for a variety of reasons and it is not always because something is wrong in their relationship.

I did not say always, I said usually. But to think that there is any such thing as a 100% right and 100% wrong in a relationship is just not true. There's always some give and take, some right and wrong. And that's what I'm talking about - sure the other person cheated, but what was my part in it? How much of the blame do I share? Is it enough for me to accept some responsibility? Or was my part so minor that it does not offset anything?

I doubt you really believe that there's anything black and white in relationships. I'm just saying that you cannot apply a one size fits all answer to something without looking at the entire relationship.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

That's my thinking too. It's easy to say "they cheated, kick them to the curb." The partner who was 'cheated on' should do some genuflecting to see if they were the reason the SO went astray.

Does the same logic also hold true if the husband hits the wife?

 

[Chasey_Lane]

I did not say always, I said usually. But to think that there is any such thing as a 100% right and 100% wrong in a relationship is just not true. There's always some give and take, some right and wrong. And that's what I'm talking about - sure the other person cheated, but what was my part in it? How much of the blame do I share? Is it enough for me to accept some responsibility? Or was my part so minor that it does not offset anything?

I doubt you really believe that there's anything black and white in relationships. I'm just saying that you cannot apply a one size fits all answer to something without looking at the entire relationship.

I'm sorry, but if you cheat on me, that's because YOU made the decision to do so. I don't care if the relationship is strained or not.

 

[GWguy]

Does the same logic also hold true if the husband hits the wife?

No. Physical abuse is never an option.

However, that's not part of the original question.

 

[Im_Me]

Send 'em to the curb...bloodied.

 

[MMDad]

Does the same logic also hold true if the husband hits the wife?

Does the wife hit the husband too? Or otherwise abuse him? Yes, the same logic applies - you have to look at the whole situation. What part did both parties play in what happened? It's usually a simple decision, but you have to take all of the facts into account.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

No. Physical abuse is never an option.

However, that's not part of the original question.

But you are saying that someone else's actions (or lack of) *may* cause another person to cheat. The same can be said for physical abuse. Did the fork make me fat? Did the bar cause my accident? No. *I* choose my actions.

 

[MMDad]

But you are saying that someone else's actions (or lack of) *may* cause another person to cheat. The same can be said for physical abuse. Did the fork make me fat? Did the bar cause my accident? No. *I* choose my actions.

That would be great if humans were logical.

 

[GWguy]

Send 'em to the curb...bloodied.

See, this, like most of the women's comments, assume it's the guy whos cheated and it's ok to not only throw him out on the spot, but use a bat in the process. If you check stats, more and more women are the cheaters. If a woman admitted to cheating and the guy kicked her to the curb with a bloody lip, he'd be in jail faster than lightning.

 

[Im_Me]

See, this, like most of the women's comments, assume it's the guy whos cheated and it's ok to not only throw him out on the spot, but use a bat in the process. If you check stats, more and more women are the cheaters. If a woman admitted to cheating and the guy kicked her to the curb with a bloody lip, he'd be in jail faster than lightning.

OK...Just figuratively bloodied. No physical violence, Let's just say I'd help him move....minus the suitcase and boxes and most of his stuff.

(Also, I'm absolutely hetero, so I'm only going to assume that the cheater is a dude. )