Any resources for what to do with an aging parent?

lucky_bee

eyes up here, buddy.
The only thing she wants is to be back in her house on her own again. The rehab center tells me this will never be able to happen, of course she disagrees.
PE I totally sympathize. My mother runs a home healthcare facility - she employs and directs the nurses who visit patients in their own homes. About 85% of their patients are elderly folk like your mother. Their care can range anywhere from a couple visits a day, to once a week, once a month, etc. It's very customizable and they typically work directly with a caregiver if needed - someone usually hired help to keep the patient company and help with daily tasks like making meals and showering and driving to and from dr. apts - this is also customizable. They can't administer medications or change post-op dressings so that's when my mom's nurses step in.

And because my mom does what she does, she's also been a couple family members' advocate/healthcare proxy. She's been in your place a few times for family too, most recently for a very close aunt. She was incedibly stubborn with dementia and lived in the middle of nowhere. Even though my mom was proxy, she felt pressured by her own mother and her other aunts to let this aunt live out her days at home, however she would have benefited greatly from going to an assisted living facility. As much as the sisters didn't want to move her, they also didn't want to help with the work and my mom ended up being her nurse, on top of her full time job running these types of nurses, and really wore herself out trying to help our aunt. It was frustrating to listen how even though this was her JOB and she was an expert on elderly care, noone would listen when she insisted it was time to move my aunt to a home. And of course whenever my aunt was lucid enough, moving would never have been an option to her.

It's frustrating. However I suggest starting with nurses and caregivers that can come visit your mother at home - and make sure you keep strong lines of communication with them.

edit to add: these kinds of places work directly with insurance. This is not ALL out of pocket.
 

PeoplesElbow

Well-Known Member
Thank you everyone.

Does anyone know of any other places like Aberly Crest?

My moms case worker is telling me that she is going to need one or two visits a day from a nurse so she doesn't mess up her meds, and some possible assistance with some daily tasks.
 
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Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
Thank you everyone.

Does anyone know of any other places like Aberly Crest?

My moms case worker is telling me that she is going to need one or two visits a day from a nurse so she doesn't mess up her meds, and some possible assistance with some daily tasks.
PE - is that the Abberly Crest in St. Mary's?

Will your mom be able to live on her own in a place like that? As an aside, is she still driving? My friend has found that while her mom has increasingly declining health issues (she has end stage liver disease) she is still mobile/driving. The doctors/case workers have told her that Medicare and many insurances will not pay as long as the patient is driving. (She would have to pay out of pocket, and of course, those costs would add up really fast).

Have you looked into Cedar Lane Apts in Leonardtown?
 

PeoplesElbow

Well-Known Member
PE - is that the Abberly Crest in St. Mary's?

Will your mom be able to live on her own in a place like that? As an aside, is she still driving? My friend has found that while her mom has increasingly declining health issues (she has end stage liver disease) she is still mobile/driving. The doctors/case workers have told her that Medicare and many insurances will not pay as long as the patient is driving. (She would have to pay out of pocket, and of course, those costs would add up really fast).

Have you looked into Cedar Lane Apts in Leonardtown?
She never drove, did not know about Cedar Lane I will check them out. I thought Abberly Crest was in Solomons?
 

Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
Senior Living Facilities - (I didn't know that many existed over there)


I also found this page for St. Mary's County - there are tons of resources on it!

 
I am biased but give a call to Options For Seniors in LaPlata. They service the tri-county area as well as most of the state. Either of the ladies there can give advice on what questions to ask, where to go for help. The number is 301-392-1387. If you talk to enough people in So Md, one name will keep appearing in conversation. Some will be surprised where she is now. She has been told that she is an encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to caring for a loved one.
 

PeoplesElbow

Well-Known Member
Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is? Is that a normal thing?

I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.
 
Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is? Is that a normal thing?

I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.
Ah. Glad you mentioned that. When we were looking for a place for my folks, there were a number of places that did this. You pay them some incredible fee, we saw as much as $350,000, just to be there, THEN pay a monthly fee to remain. We didn't see that it really gave you any added benefits or services. In a lot of cases, the pay-up-front fee was non-refundable. If you have tons of money you don't want, and want the notoriety of living in one of these places, go for it. If you're normal, consider other options.
 

Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is? Is that a normal thing?

I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.
Did you talk to anyone in person? I have a friend who's mom lives there and she loves it! It's a waterfront community. She lives in one of the condo apartments. She can cook in her apartment, or she can go down to a beautiful dining room. There are activities, trips, and all sorts of things she does with people she's met/neighbors. She drives, so she is always on the go. She's 82. She doesn't have to do yard work, or maintenance, take her trash out, or any of those dumb things! They even painted the condo to suit her tastes before she moved in. So, maintenance is covered, and they have all kinds of amenities! That buy-in ensures that the other services they offer, like the assisted living suites, rehabilitation & skilled nursing health center are there for you later in your life if you need it.

I don't know what the monthly fee is, but when you buy a condo, you still have insurances to pay, maintenance to cover, HOA or other Owner fees to pay. This comes with a peace of mind that you can receive those other "continual life services", Heck, I'd love to live there. :lol:
 
They even painted the condo to suit her tastes before she moved in. So, maintenance is covered, and they have all kinds of amenities! That buy-in ensures that the other services they offer, like the assisted living suites, rehabilitation & skilled nursing health center are there for you later in your life if you need it.
The assisted living place we put my dad in has all of this, did all of this, and there was no up front fee.
 

littlelady

God bless the USA
Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is? Is that a normal thing?

I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.
Ah. Glad you mentioned that. When we were looking for a place for my folks, there were a number of places that did this. You pay them some incredible fee, we saw as much as $350,000, just to be there, THEN pay a monthly fee to remain. We didn't see that it really gave you any added benefits or services. In a lot of cases, the pay-up-front fee was non-refundable. If you have tons of money you don't want, and want the notoriety of living in one of these places, go for it. If you're normal, consider other options.
Wowzers. Sad. Trying to take care of parents the best you can, should not be a price gouging biz. Disgusting.
 

Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
The assisted living place we put my dad in has all of this, did all of this, and there was no up front fee.
I'm not surprised - it's not in Maryland! :lol: Asbury is also a "waterfront" community, so that probably adds to the price, and may not be in everyone's price range. I get that there are many options and alternatives to every suggestion, but we're just giving PE a heads up on what's available here in our area.

I will say that my friend's 82 year old MIL is not in the assisted living section of Asbury. She is living fully on her own, in a apartment and is her own caregiver. She still drives her own car and has no need for their transportation system. There is no need for assisted living right now. However, the assisted living benefit is there for the future, and that is great peace of mind for her and everyone involved. That's what you're paying for when you choose a continuing care retirement community, like Asbury.
 

Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
Wowzers. Sad. Trying to take care of parents the best you can, should not be a price gouging biz. Disgusting.
It is a business. No one is price gouging. It's an option for people who can afford it.

There may not be many options in the Tri-County area, but those options have increased. I felt I had few options 7-1/2 years ago when my mother came to live with me for the short time before she passed. There are so many more services and companies that provide those services than there were back then. IF my mother had the income available to her - I'd have recommended Asbury (or similar community) in a minute! She would have loved it there. There is a long waiting list to get in there, so they must be a popular place!
 

ginwoman

Active Member
Good luck. I know it isn't easy.

Surely someone on here knows of some resources to help you.
I know of a couple of honest trustworthy and loving ladies who have been helping with my mother who will soon no longer be with us :( Depending on where you are they may be able to do some fill in times for you.
 

RoseRed

American Beauty
PREMO Member
It is a business. No one is price gouging. It's an option for people who can afford it.

There may not be many options in the Tri-County area, but those options have increased. I felt I had few options 7-1/2 years ago when my mother came to live with me for the short time before she passed. There are so many more services and companies that provide those services than there were back then. IF my mother had the income available to her - I'd have recommended Asbury (or similar community) in a minute! She would have loved it there. There is a long waiting list to get in there, so they must be a popular place!
My mother is far from needing assisted living, but has been considering moving across the road to Asbury. Before she can do that, she needs to come home from another one of her cross-country road trips! :lol:
 

PeoplesElbow

Well-Known Member
Apparently Asbury doesn't want anything to do with anyone who has had problems that requires assisted living first and the buy in fee is sort of a long term care insurance. The lady I talked to couldn't seem to get off the phone with me fast enough.

It is a place you go to before you have problems, nice to know for myself I suppose.
 

Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
My mother is far from needing assisted living, but has been considering moving across the road to Asbury. Before she can do that, she needs to come home from another one of her cross-country road trips! :lol:
That's awesome!
 

Bann

Doris Day meets Lady Gaga
PREMO Member
Apparently Asbury doesn't want anything to do with anyone who has had problems that requires assisted living first and the buy in fee is sort of a long term care insurance. The lady I talked to couldn't seem to get off the phone with me fast enough.

It is a place you go to before you have problems, nice to know for myself I suppose.
Well, it's good to know ahead of time, like you said. :yay: When I hear of other places, services, etc. I will gladly keep passing on the information. Your mom is lucky to have you! :huggy:
 
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