littlelady
God bless the USA
Interesting.
Any resources for what to do with an aging parent?
- Thread starter PeoplesElbow
- Start date
Interesting.
PeoplesElbow
Well-Known Member
I transfered my mom from the rehab hospital to a nursing and rehab center today. This is temporary because medicare and her insurance will cover 100 days 100%. To say she is unhappy would be quite the understatement.
I feel like im going to puke.
I feel like im going to puke.
I wish you and her the best. This is a huge change in both your lives.
That's a pretty normal attitude. People want to stay in their own homes where they feel safe and comfortable, and certainly not end up in an institution, even if it is just assisted care.
I know how you feel. My sister promised my mother that she would never send her to a home (she was an RN at a nursing home most of her career, so she knew what went on), so she took her in until the end. Even though both her and her husband worked, they were able to make it work. There was an employee of his who had come on hard times, so they let them live in the basement apartment in exchange for the wife being a full time care giver (plus some salary). The money from renting out her house and SS provided for the other expenses such as the required in-house medical expenses.
Mom had dementia for the last 4 years of her life while with my sister, pretty much non-responsive for the last year. So. it was hard on my sister to see it every day. But, I'm sure it was much appreciated by my mother.
GWguy
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Saw an ad on PBS for an outfit called Brightwood near Timonium. Looked nice for the quick ad, so I did a quick search and it led me to this:
It's a listing of about 88 different places around the tri-county area. You can narrow the search by zip code.
It's a listing of about 88 different places around the tri-county area. You can narrow the search by zip code.
I completely understand. Please reach out anytime if you need a shoulder to vent on.
PeoplesElbow
Well-Known Member
Anyone have problems with a parent that completely throws your plans for them sideways, ie "Im not staying here any more, Im moving back into my house"
I've tried asking, explaining, reasoning, and finally yelling after losing my temper.
I've tried asking, explaining, reasoning, and finally yelling after losing my temper.
GWguy
*
It's tough. Been close to that a few times, but not quite. Dad obviously wants out, would much prefer to be in a house on his own terms, playing with projects, etc.... But it's just not a reality, can't even shower on his own. The tough one is that he insists he could go take the driver's test and pass. Hasn't had his license for 4 years, but it still sticks in his craw that it was 'taken away'.
Sorry you're having tough times with your mom. Does the place she's at have counseling services? No doubt she'd refuse to go, but check into it.
Sorry you're having tough times with your mom. Does the place she's at have counseling services? No doubt she'd refuse to go, but check into it.
I've gone through this with my mother and my uncle. Both have passed. My uncle would change his mind every day. First he wanted to stay home with home care workers. I spent all day getting the set up and then they moved his sofa pillows
. Next day he wanted to go to a Nursing Home. Spent the next day getting him scheduled to move. Spent one night there and called, needed to go to a different Nursing Home and then of course wanted to go back to home care. We finally told him that we couldn't keep doing this. It was chaos! He lived his last week in the nursing home of his choice surrounded by his friends that lived close by.I know this doesn't give you any advise as to what to do, just know that others have been there, know what you are going through and are sending you thoughts and prayers!!!
PeoplesElbow
Well-Known Member
They do, and I know she won't. She complains she has nothing to do but will not participate in any of the activities, or even go eat in the dining room with "those people".
I don't think I have ever been so mad and so sad at the same time.
Does she seem depressed to you? You might be able to have her doctor prescribe some antidepressant pills and see if it helps with her attitude. It helped my Grandmother to be a little bit easier to handle.
PeoplesElbow
Well-Known Member
Most likely she is, she keeps saying she is in hell....
I'm so sorry you are and she are going through this. It is very hard.
It's a very hard place to be, that's for sure. You are not alone - it has happened to many of use.
My mom was in nursing home in FL and they were talking of her possibly needing a long term care facility. My sister had passed that same year and there was no one to help take care of my mom. Brother worked down in the Keys for a gov't contractor. I figured a way to move her up here, and my BFF and I moved mountains to drive my mother and some of her things back up here and she transferred into a nursing home here in Calvert. I had NO idea she would get better - but I kid you not- she was "meeting all her goals" within 1 month and the nursing home released her! The day before Thanksgiving. I had NO options and about 1 week notice - so she had to come home with me. It was very difficult on my 2 sons and myself. I worked fulltime, had 1 teenage son, and 1 son who is developmentally disabled and still acts like a teenager and then mom was acting like one, as well. She was going to move to St. Mary's County to be close to the base and military health care. (Dad was retired) Never mind that I couldn't go back & forth from Prince Frederick to (wherever in ) St. Mary's County every time when she needed something or someone to take her someplace - which was nearly daily!
The nursing home "admins", her care workers, her social worker, whatever all their titles were - were OF NO HELP TO ME. The mindset was "she's an adult and entitled to make her own decisions". They didn't help sway her to stay in Calvert, they were not useful in leading me towards resources to help me. I was nearly on my own in every aspect. It was so frustrating. My only sibling was not always on the same page with me (my mom played him against me) and that made things even more difficult at times. Mom was even convinced she was going to get her MD Drivers License, again, too. Thank GOD her doctor told her he would not approve it!
I guess all of these little stories are to say that your mom IS an adult and she can make her own decisions. She wants to remain independent. Of course. The problem is you are her son and the roles are reversed, so it's not fun for either of you. The other major problem is - she also NEEDS you to assist her. She probably doesn't want to, but she does. I had to learn to pose things to my mom like this: "well, mom - if you are going to move to St. Mary's then you are going to have to figure out who is going to be helping you out over there. I have my job and the kids and I can't just drop things to run you over to the grocery store, or Walmart, etc. etc." I just had to keep saying and doing those kinds of things to get her to slow down on the plans to move. Her health continued to decline and she was in Hospice in a few months, as she had been diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer, which we didn't know about.
I understand what you're going through. If YOU have some support - a spouse, a group of friends, even a counselor for yourself. It will help. Good luck to you
PeoplesElbow
Well-Known Member
Well here we go again, mom has been with me for over two years now but has gotten worse. She has poor short term memory and today asked me where we were.
She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.
She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.
I wish I had some advice for you. Good luck.
Grumpy
Well-Known Member
Have to agree with RoseRed, I had to deal with my mother and mother in law suffering from alzheimers/dementia, tho not at the same level as you. It's really heartbreaking having to deal with decisions like you are facing.