Dating and Spoiled Children

[vraiblonde]

It feels pretty good to say "no" and "not my problem".

Indeed it does.

 

[Cowgirl]

Maybe the OP could have a talk with him and explain her feelings and why she doesn't want to be a part of this relationship if his parenting style won't change. Maybe she could take a step back and only see him when the daughter is at her mother's? That will give him a chance to see she's serious about what needs to change for her to stay in the relationship, and it will give her a chance to see if he's even willing to change. If nothing changes and he doesn't try, she'll know he doesn't care enough about the relationship enough to change it. And if he doesn't care about the relationship, she doesn't want to be with him anways. :shrug:

 

[sockgirl77]

Maybe the OP could have a talk with him and explain her feelings and why she doesn't want to be a part of this relationship if his parenting style won't change. Maybe she could take a step back and only see him when the daughter is at her mother's? That will give him a chance to see she's serious about what needs to change for her to stay in the relationship, and it will give her a chance to see if he's even willing to change. If nothing changes and he doesn't try, she'll know he doesn't care enough about the relationship enough to change it. And if he doesn't care about the relationship, she doesn't want to be with him anways. :shrug:

Great advice!

 

[Cowgirl]

And I will tell you so that you will have a valid bone to chew on, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed completely out of the "parenting other peoples' children" game. It was a huge mistake and no good came of it, so my advice to KVJ and any other woman considering marriage to a guy with kids stands.

Being a step parent* can really be a challenge. They say you have to love them like your own but then they throw it in your face that they're not yours. Either way you're screwed.



*when the other parent is still in the picture

 

[pixiegirl]

And again you're wrong.

These girls lived with me and *I* was the female raising them, and had been since they were very young. If they had lived with their mother, you would have a point and the situation would be different. However, that is not the case and you look foolish trying to insist something is a certain way when I, and everyone who knows me on here, know that it is not.

We'll contrast that with my ex's wife, who has never lived with either of my kids and only saw them once a year when they visited their dad. SHE got no say because she barely even knew them and was not their parent in any capacity.

And I will tell you so that you will have a valid bone to chew on, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed completely out of the "parenting other peoples' children" game. It was a huge mistake and no good came of it, so my advice to KVJ and any other woman considering marriage to a guy with kids stands.

Now, you may have the last word. Try not to be so foolish in the future and ASSume you know everything when, indeed, you don't know ####.

And kvj said that there is a possibility of moving closer to his kids where as there would be more interaction than once or twice a year. Maybe you missed that part darling.

And, I'm not pretending to know crapola. I KNOW that you were involved in the raising of Larry's children. That you admitted so I don't understand where you think that I'm pressuming to know anything I don't.

The bolded part is a particularly nasty thing to say and I feel sorry for Larry's kids that you'd publicly say that no good came out of your involvement in their lives. I have a half sister who spent Christmas and a couple of weeks in the summer with us who my mom was very involved in major decsions concerning. My sister has on a number of occasions expressed her gratitude for my mother's affection and concern. My sister was never treated any differently than my brother and I and is a better person for it to hear her tell it.

 

[Black-Francis]

I love Pixie and Vrai's relationship!!!

 

[tiltedangel]

If he's not saying NO now, he will continue to let his kid walk all over him into adult life. She will feel free to move in and out as she sees fit, she will manipulate him and walk all over him forever. Why do you feel it will change miraculously?

why you ask? because i am a stepmother and when i met my husband his daughter was the same with me. He could not see it because he knew it was hard for kids having parents separating. He went through it with my son, and i didn't see it because i was feeling bad for my son with the death of his dad. But we stuck with it. I became very close to his daughter and he with my son. All it took was to let them know that the other was not there to take the place of the other parent, but to love them and make sure they were taken care of. I was ready to walk away at one point, and so was he. But we loved each other and stuck with it. Now the kids are grown and doing their own thing and i am thankful everyday i did not let kids get in the way of us. that is why...

also the teen next door was like the one being described. And i watched the transformation. It got as bad as bad could get before it changed, but it did.
that is why also.

 

[vraiblonde]

The bolded part is a particularly nasty thing to say and I feel sorry for Larry's kids that you'd publicly say that no good came out of your involvement in their lives.

Well, goody gumdrops for you. Feel sorry for Larry's kids all you want. You know everything, much more about the situation than me. So pontificate and spend your sympathy however you please, since you know them so well.

 

[Dye Tied]

why you ask? because i am a stepmother and when i met my husband his daughter was the same with me. He could not see it because he knew it was hard for kids having parents separating. He went through it with my son, and i didn't see it because i was feeling bad for my son with the death of his dad. But we stuck with it. I became very close to his daughter and he with my son. All it took was to let them know that the other was not there to take the place of the other parent, but to love them and make sure they were taken care of. I was ready to walk away at one point, and so was he. But we loved each other and stuck with it. Now the kids are grown and doing their own thing and i am thankful everyday i did not let kids get in the way of us. that is why...

also the teen next door was like the one being described. And i watched the transformation. It got as bad as bad could get before it changed, but it did.
that is why also.

You are one of the lucky ones.

 

[tiltedangel]

oooh and i almost forgot. My stepdaughter is my best friend, thank god we stayed.

 

[sockgirl77]

pontificate

Big word of the day.

 

[pixiegirl]

I love Pixie and Vrai's relationship!!!

She's bi-polar like my own mom just more bitter.

 

[tiltedangel]

You are one of the lucky ones.

thanks, I appreciate that.

 

[pixiegirl]

Well, goody gumdrops for you. Feel sorry for Larry's kids all you want. You know everything, much more about the situation than me. So pontificate and spend your sympathy however you please, since you know them so well.

I thought you said that I could have the last word?

I don't have to know anything about the situation to know that your statement was mean and sad for them and for you. Its unfortunate if you and they feel that no good came out of your involvement in their lives because it was a lengthy investment of time and effort.

 

[K_Jo]

I love Pixie and Vrai's relationship!!!

Me, too! Me, too!

 

[Black-Francis]

Me, too! Me, too!

God Bless America!!

 

[lilblondeone19]

 

[poster]

I am dating a man with a 13 year old daughter. He is incredibly caring and thoughtful, which is what I love about him. However, this is also a problem.....
His daughter is the most rude, inconsiderate child I have ever met in my life. When she is around groups of people, she is very quiet, almost shy. However, when it is just us, or when her friends are over, she yells and screams at him, throws things at him and dictates what she will do and when she will be doing it. There are absolutely no boundaries.
This child is given everything single thing that she wants. She has had 4 cell phones since Christmas, wears the most expensive desinger clothes, doesn't take care of them, always "loses" them and they are immediately replaced. She has 'lost' a laptop, cell phone, digital camera and an ipod, all of which were given to her at Christmas. Yet, she still continues to receive eveything that she asks for.
Her father does everything for her. She has no chores, he washes and folds her laundry, cleans the house, cooks, and she sits on the computer while he does all of this for her. I do all of the cooking and cleaning while we are at my house (he takes her laundry home to do it for her)
I do not feel comfortable giving her chores at my house, and he has asked that I not say anything to correct her behavior, becasue he is afraid of her backlashing on me.He says he does this out of guilt, and that he doesn't want her to choose living with his ex over living with him. SO, he sets no boundaries.
I have children of my own, and while they may be spoiled a bit materialistically, they are very polite and always willing to help. They would never think of yelling at me, let alone throw something at me!
This is all very hard to watch. I care for this man very very much, but I do not know how to deal with his daughter. It is hard for me to sit back and shut up while this child is waited on hand and foot, and wathc the total lack of respect that she has for him.
She is not this way with anyone other than her parents. The mother is not as wishy washy, and she is called a f^&%n B*$%ch by her daughter because she tries to enforce limits.
Is it worth staying in this relationship or should I run as fast as I can?????

You have discussed this with him, or it's at least come up, and this is his answer?
That statement is a clear indication that you will be forever 2nd.
I'm not saying he shouldn't put his child before you. He should always put her first but within reason. To not correct a child for fear of retaliation is rediculous. Things will not change, this girl will be in control of his life or constantly try to be.

 

[riverview]

Maybe the OP could have a talk with him and explain her feelings and why she doesn't want to be a part of this relationship if his parenting style won't change. Maybe she could take a step back and only see him when the daughter is at her mother's? That will give him a chance to see she's serious about what needs to change for her to stay in the relationship, and it will give her a chance to see if he's even willing to change. If nothing changes and he doesn't try, she'll know he doesn't care enough about the relationship enough to change it. And if he doesn't care about the relationship, she doesn't want to be with him anways. :shrug:

Very good advice. We did talk a bit about it last night. I really need to get my thoughts together before I go too deep into a conversation with him about it. He immediatley becomes defensive. I think I shoudl print this thread out and read it to him! I really care alot about them both, but he seems to think I only see the negative parts of her. I think she'd be a really good kid (and I'd love to have a gal to pal around with!) if he would only raise his expectations of her. She needs help.
I praise the good that she does, tell her she is pretty, compliment her on her hair. I do not just focus on the negative, even though it may seem that way to those reading the thread. I know she is the way she is because of her parents. I'm working on it.........................thanks for all the input!

 

[riverview]

why you ask? because i am a stepmother and when i met my husband his daughter was the same with me. He could not see it because he knew it was hard for kids having parents separating. He went through it with my son, and i didn't see it because i was feeling bad for my son with the death of his dad. But we stuck with it. I became very close to his daughter and he with my son. All it took was to let them know that the other was not there to take the place of the other parent, but to love them and make sure they were taken care of. I was ready to walk away at one point, and so was he. But we loved each other and stuck with it. Now the kids are grown and doing their own thing and i am thankful everyday i did not let kids get in the way of us. that is why...

also the teen next door was like the one being described. And i watched the transformation. It got as bad as bad could get before it changed, but it did.
that is why also.

Oh you give me such hope! Thank you! I am very glad it worked out for you!