Dating and Spoiled Children

[Christy]

He appreciates the respect that my children show me, but is afraid of losing his own daughter by enforcing rules and asking for her respect.
That is sad.

Then get rid of him. It's that easy. Why would you want to be with someone who has a devil child? Do you think that he's going to miraculously change his ways just because you don't like his style of parenting? You either accept it or move on. Easy peasy. :shrug:

 

[Dye Tied]

Then get rid of him. It's that easy. Why would you want to be with someone who has a devil child? Do you think that he's going to miraculously change his ways just because you don't like his style of parenting? You either accept it or move on. Easy peasy. :shrug:

Not so easy when you hope for the best but she will eventually come to that conclusion.

 

[Christy]

Not so easy when you hope for the best but she will eventually come to that conclusion.

Hoping ain't getting, ya know? I learned that the hard way.

Maybe I am in a particularly cantankaraus point in my journey through life, but no way, no how, would I get involved with the raising of any man's child nor would I deal well with any stupid man telling me how I should raise my own children. If they're not my kids, not my business. If they're my kids and not your's mind your own business.

If he couldn't handle his own kid then I probably wouldn't bother with him anyway since he would come off as a bit of a pansy and that is just icky.

 

[Dye Tied]

Hoping ain't getting, ya know? I learned that the hard way.

Maybe I am in a particularly cantankaraus point in my journey through life, but no way, no how, would I get involved with the raising of any man's child nor would I deal well with any stupid man telling me how I should raise my own children. If they're not my kids, not my business. If they're my kids and not your's mind your own business.

If he couldn't handle his own kid then I probably wouldn't bother with him anyway since he would come off as a bit of a pansy and that is just icky.

See? You also had hope. We need to learn that lesson the hard way, it seems. I hope she's got good friends for support

 

[riverview]

Not so easy when you hope for the best but she will eventually come to that conclusion.

You are right...it's not that easy. If he were a complete ass, it would be easy. But he is a very nice man.

I do care for him and his daughter, I just wish things were different. I do not know how to help and do not know how to handle the total disrespect and irresponsiblity.

I had two 13 year olds....I know there will be 'back talk' and I have 'counted to ten' more than once. Pick your battles. This is different.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to say NO to my children. At times, it is hard, because you just want to see htem be happy. I have told them if they really wanted something badly enough, they will have to save for it. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I want them to knwo what is it like to have to be self sufficient and budget their own money. And they have had things taken away for not getting homework finished, not doing chores, etc. All a part of growing up.

I do not belive in smacking a child and at 13, she is too old to be spanked. I think a lot more can be accomplished by talking, reasoning and setting limits and consequences. Limits can be set by taking away sleepovers, cancelling parties, etc. and responsibilty can be taught by not replacing items that were neglectfully cared for.

If he tried this and stuck to it, maybe she would move in with her Mom and see that life is not so fun when no one at home cares.

My son has seen her behavior and THANKED ME for having set limits for him, as she is the walking example of what happens when you do not have any.

 

[Dye Tied]

You are right...it's not that easy. If he were a complete ass, it would be easy. But he is a very nice man.

I do care for him and his daughter, I just wish things were different. I do not know how to help and do not know how to handle the total disrespect and irresponsiblity.

I had two 13 year olds....I know there will be 'back talk' and I have 'counted to ten' more than once. Pick your battles. This is different.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to say NO to my children. At times, it is hard, because you just want to see htem be happy. I have told them if they really wanted something badly enough, they will have to save for it. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I want them to knwo what is it like to have to be self sufficient and budget their own money. And they have had things taken away for not getting homework finished, not doing chores, etc. All a part of growing up.

I do not belive in smacking a child and at 13, she is too old to be spanked. I think a lot more can be accomplished by talking, reasoning and setting limits and consequences. Limits can be set by taking away sleepovers, cancelling parties, etc. and responsibilty can be taught by not replacing items that were neglectfully cared for.

If he tried this and stuck to it, maybe she would move in with her Mom and see that life is not so fun when no one at home cares.

My son has seen her behavior and THANKED ME for having set limits for him, as she is the walking example of what happens when you do not have any.

I understand 110%. I was in your place last year except his kids were early 20's. That's how I know how this girl is most likely to be in a few years. All the caring in the world won't help. It sucks. But now I am having fun again and the weight of all that crap has lifted. Move on and you'll see!

 

[riverview]

Hoping ain't getting, ya know? I learned that the hard way.

Maybe I am in a particularly cantankaraus point in my journey through life, but no way, no how, would I get involved with the raising of any man's child nor would I deal well with any stupid man telling me how I should raise my own children. If they're not my kids, not my business. If they're my kids and not your's mind your own business.

If he couldn't handle his own kid then I probably wouldn't bother with him anyway since he would come off as a bit of a pansy and that is just icky.

I've tried the 'not my business' way of thinking, but when it affects everyone in the house, it's hard not to make it my business.

Pansy...not really, but too kind, yes. I have dated some real arrogant, self centered a**holes in my life, and part of what attracted me to him was his kind demeanor. Unfortunatley, it is also what causing problmes at the time. He needs to be her parent first, friend second.

I'm a nice person, but I would never let my kids walk all over me like this.

I'm sorry that you are at that stage in your life. I have had times when I felt that life on my own would be WAY easier(yesterday definitely was one of them)! But the good days with HIM are pretty darned plentiful. It's learning how to deal with the bad that I am struggling with right now.

 

[riverview]

I understand 110%. I was in your place last year except his kids were early 20's. That's how I know how this girl is most likely to be in a few years. All the caring in the world won't help. It sucks. But now I am having fun again and the weight of all that crap has lifted. Move on and you'll see!

Did you move on because of his kids? I do not doubt that I will have fun with or without him. Thats not the issue. I care for him very much, that is what makes it hard.

I am struggling with "taking the good with the bad" and "just screw it" attitudes!

 

[Dye Tied]

Did you move on because of his kids? I do not doubt that I will have fun with or without him. Thats not the issue. I care for him very much, that is what makes it hard.

I am struggling with "taking the good with the bad" and "just screw it" attitudes!

His adult kids were the major issue, after he let a 25 yr. old move back in because she is too lazy to work. He'll pay her cell, smokes, food and after I have seen this happen 3 times in 3 years I knew it wasn't changing, even with adult kids. I told him to get her lazy ass in the system and stop covering for her. He agreed but it was just lip service. He never did it in 3 years. There's much more to the story but it doesn't matter. This is the man I thought was for the rest of my life so I do know how you feel. You can take it for only so long.

 

[riverview]

His adult kids were the major issue, after he let a 25 yr. old move back in because she is too lazy to work. He'll pay her cell, smokes, food and after I have seen this happen 3 times in 3 years I knew it wasn't changing, even with adult kids. I told him to get her lazy ass in the system and stop covering for her. He agreed but it was just lip service. He never did it in 3 years. There's much more to the story but it doesn't matter. This is the man I thought was for the rest of my life so I do know how you feel. You can take it for only so long.

Nooooooo!!!!!!!! Please tell me it isn't so!
My gut tells me that this is what I am probably heading towards.
My kids can't wait to move out 'to the big city' but I have a feeling home is where she will always be! Aaarrgghh! Nice and comfy cozy. Too cozy.

 

[Dye Tied]

Nooooooo!!!!!!!! Please tell me it isn't so!
My gut tells me that this is what I am probably heading towards.
My kids can't wait to move out 'to the big city' but I have a feeling home is where she will always be! Aaarrgghh! Nice and comfy cozy. Too cozy.

The mom walked out on the kids when they were 2, 4 and 5. When dad took over, 'no' was not in his vocabulary to make up for mom leaving them behind. I see what has happened and after 3 years I knew we would never have adult time, alone time and his adult kids would always expect him to bend over backwards. It's pretty bad. Good luck

 

[riverview]

The mom walked out on the kids when they were 2, 4 and 5. When dad took over, 'no' was not in his vocabulary to make up for mom leaving them behind. I see what has happened and after 3 years I knew we would never have adult time, alone time and his adult kids would always expect him to bend over backwards. It's pretty bad. Good luck

I'm sorry. Thanks for your thoughts

 

[BadGirl]

His adult kids were the major issue, after he let a 25 yr. old move back in because she is too lazy to work. He'll pay her cell, smokes, food and after I have seen this happen 3 times in 3 years I knew it wasn't changing, even with adult kids. I told him to get her lazy ass in the system and stop covering for her. He agreed but it was just lip service. He never did it in 3 years. There's much more to the story but it doesn't matter. This is the man I thought was for the rest of my life so I do know how you feel. You can take it for only so long.

 

[Vince]

His daughter is the most rude, inconsiderate child I have ever met in my life. When she is around groups of people, she is very quiet, almost shy. However, when it is just us, or when her friends are over, she yells and screams at him, throws things at him and dictates what she will do and when she will be doing it. There are absolutely no boundaries.

Read her post again compensating for her likely exagerations and she just described every 13 year old in the world. Differences in parenting styles will easily create friction. It is obvious that this woman is agitated and looking for reasons to make her mans life hell.

Wrong. Maybe your 13 year old, but I don't think it applies to many others. Mine wouldn't dare talk back to me, much less yell or scream. If she tried telling me what to do....... Well, she knew better and was a very respectful child. The product of NON persmissive parenting. Now she is a grown, married woman with good conservative values and I hope someday a good parent.

 

[MoredB]

MOredB...you have absolutley no idea what you are talking about. Possiblya bitter divorce/custody battle in your past, eh?

There are no exagerations in what I have posted. Throwing things at your parents, screaming at them, and calling your mother a F*&%ing b%#$ch IS NOT 'normal teenage behavior'. If that is the behavior in your household, then God help your children as they become adults! This child needs structure and discipline, and she is not getting it consistently in either household. She is setting all of her own rules and her parents are too bent on being the most popular parent and 'winning out' over the other. Neither parenty wants to be the 'bad guy' and set rules of which she should abide. I'm not talking prison rules, but common courtesy and respect should be taught to every child. I would be mortified if my child spoke to me the way she does the both of them.
You are basiclally saying that the child should have no limits, and that they be allowed to 'dictate' which parent gets physical custody by manipulating the other parent with her horrendous behavior. Whoever gives the most and allows the most freedom wins her love. What a prize!
He adores my children and tells me ALL the time what a fantastic mother I am. He appreciates the respect that my children show me, but is afraid of losing his own daughter by enforcing rules and asking for her respect.
That is sad.

I have obviously had some experience with which we speak. I'm starting to believe you now though. I am not saying that the child should have no limits, the exact opposite really. I was saying that you should be more sensitive to his concerns about keeping custody if it is a concern to him (and apparently it is). You would have to find some middle ground that provides more discipline though. I am all too familiar with the buying the childs love thing. Luckily I didn't have the money to do it at the time or I would have been right there with the best of them. I am also familiar with how a childs behavior can be disruptive to a girlfriend. Thank God it's not anywhere near the level that you are dealing with but that screaching hands in the air "I give up" attitude sure seems familiar. You have my permission to leave him now.

 

[Christy]

I'm sorry that you are at that stage in your life.

I'm not. I'm actually quite pleased with myself to be at the point where I don't feel obligated to compromise. It feels pretty good to say "no" and "not my problem".

 

[tiltedangel]

I've tried the 'not my business' way of thinking, but when it affects everyone in the house, it's hard not to make it my business.

Pansy...not really, but too kind, yes. I have dated some real arrogant, self centered a**holes in my life, and part of what attracted me to him was his kind demeanor. Unfortunatley, it is also what causing problmes at the time. He needs to be her parent first, friend second.

I'm a nice person, but I would never let my kids walk all over me like this.

I'm sorry that you are at that stage in your life. I have had times when I felt that life on my own would be WAY easier(yesterday definitely was one of them)! But the good days with HIM are pretty darned plentiful. It's learning how to deal with the bad that I am struggling with right now.

One question. Are you willing to let his daughter ruin the relationship you have with him. Because someday she will move out and then you have lost someone you really care about, and may not find again. It is a pick your battles sort of thing but you also have to think about your future not hers. I think that it is difficult for any new relationship with children but eventually if given the time it will even out. she may also come out of that nasty spell too. I know a girl that was the same way and the next year she was a totally different person...so if you really want the relationship then see how it goes. and if your children are almost grown then it shouldn't affect them. Maybe they might even get to know her a little and get her interested in doing other things and away from the crowd that she is around. think hard and long and follow your gut. The choice is yours. and only yours.

 

[Dye Tied]

Thanks. You know I hung in there. And I had shoulders to listen, when I couldn't take it anymore.

 

[vraiblonde]

You are the step parent of Larry's kids and according to your own words you should have butt the heck out.

I made a fabulous point, step parents should have a say in certain situations. In your situation you had a say and knowing you I doubt you'd have had it any other way. It's not as black and white, one way or the other. Different situations call for different levels of involvement.

And again you're wrong.

These girls lived with me and *I* was the female raising them, and had been since they were very young. If they had lived with their mother, you would have a point and the situation would be different. However, that is not the case and you look foolish trying to insist something is a certain way when I, and everyone who knows me on here, know that it is not.

We'll contrast that with my ex's wife, who has never lived with either of my kids and only saw them once a year when they visited their dad. SHE got no say because she barely even knew them and was not their parent in any capacity.

And I will tell you so that you will have a valid bone to chew on, if I had it to do over again I would have stayed completely out of the "parenting other peoples' children" game. It was a huge mistake and no good came of it, so my advice to KVJ and any other woman considering marriage to a guy with kids stands.

Now, you may have the last word. Try not to be so foolish in the future and ASSume you know everything when, indeed, you don't know ####.

 

[Dye Tied]

One question. Are you willing to let his daughter ruin the relationship you have with him. Because someday she will move out and then you have lost someone you really care about, and may not find again. It is a pick your battles sort of thing but you also have to think about your future not hers. I think that it is difficult for any new relationship with children but eventually if given the time it will even out. she may also come out of that nasty spell too. I know a girl that was the same way and the next year she was a totally different person...so if you really want the relationship then see how it goes. and if your children are almost grown then it shouldn't affect them. Maybe they might even get to know her a little and get her interested in doing other things and away from the crowd that she is around. think hard and long and follow your gut. The choice is yours. and only yours.

If he's not saying NO now, he will continue to let his kid walk all over him into adult life. She will feel free to move in and out as she sees fit, she will manipulate him and walk all over him forever. Why do you feel it will change miraculously?