Honest Opinion and/or Insight
- Thread starter lnmarsh
- Start date
kwillia
n/a
Either way, it seems to have made him question whether or not he sees himself with her for the long term.
Nanny Pam summed it up best... it can't be forced.
lnmarsh
Love * Luck * Faith
I really appreciate your complete honesty - this is the type of opinion I was hoping for. Not to say this is exactly what I want to hear/see, but I appreciate a well-constructed opinion.
I want to make on edit to my original post. I forgot to include some things that he said that really fuels my confusion on the whole ordeal. When we were talking he said that he loves me. He loves me more than hes ever loved anyone else and he always will love me. He wants to grow old with me and have babies and make a life together. He loves the great times we've had together and wants to create more good memories. Hes just not sure that we're compatable; hes not sure if we're too alike or too different.
Thats the part that makes no sense to me... Im so confused. If he loves me like he says he does (and hes not the type to sugarcoat things to make it easier on people, including me) and wants to grow old with me and make a life together, then any is he questioning things? What is there to question?! I, personally, think he is "waiting for the other shoe to drop." He was really thrown through a loop when I miscarried... And now we've been doing really well but between the baby and other things that happened in the past, he's just stuck on waiting for something bad to happen. Do you, kwillia, think that has something to do with it? Does that change your initial opinion or do you stick by your post? How about anyone else?
GWguy
*
A guy's perspective:
If he has been distant for a while, he's had lots of time to consider what he is doing and the ramifications. His choices may or may not have to do with the loss of the child. If he is the nice person you make him out to be, I suspect he has already made up his mind that he does not want to pursue the relationship any further, and thinks (wrongly) he is sparing your feelings by not saying anything. But his actions speak for him.
I agree with not questioning him right now about it. You've spoken your mind, he knows what is next. Let him make the move. As was said, let him go. If he doesn't come back, better now than stretch it out with both of you being unsure and miserable.
If he has been distant for a while, he's had lots of time to consider what he is doing and the ramifications. His choices may or may not have to do with the loss of the child. If he is the nice person you make him out to be, I suspect he has already made up his mind that he does not want to pursue the relationship any further, and thinks (wrongly) he is sparing your feelings by not saying anything. But his actions speak for him.
I agree with not questioning him right now about it. You've spoken your mind, he knows what is next. Let him make the move. As was said, let him go. If he doesn't come back, better now than stretch it out with both of you being unsure and miserable.
GWguy
*
That makes it sound like he's scared of the future. The permanence of it all, getting married, etc..... He's not able to make a commitment and deals with it by becoming distant.
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kwillia
n/a
You know the answer to all your questions already. You are just hoping for one of us to give you something different to hold onto because you are afraid to let it end. Bottom line is that none of our opinions will have any affect on the outcome of your relationship with him. Woman up and face the reality, be it what may.
lnmarsh
Love * Luck * Faith
No... I miscarried at 12 weeks and 6 days. I guess I should have been more clear; sorry about that.
I know there is a big difference in losing an unborn child and losing a child that has already been born. A BIG difference. I couldnt imaging losing a baby that I has carried to term and delivered sucessfully. But nevertheless, the ordeal really did take a toll on both of us; we would be 1st-time-parents.. I know, big deal, right? But we were really excited about it.
Losing the baby really hurt us both. I know its not uncommon and maybe Im dwelling on it more than I should... IDK. Off topic I guess
libertytyranny
Dream Stealer
Because all of that sounds good. who wouldn't want that? To grow old with someone they love more than anything? But reality somtimes causes feelings that fantasy didn't allow for. Like being unsure, or having doubts, or being somewhat relieved they don't have to care for a child when they weren't ready. these feeling cause conflicts in people. So they can feel both ways at once, and feel the need to stifle to conflict or justify it. That could very well be the reason why he is worried you are not "compatible" because he needs to find a reason for why he feels both sure he loves you, and unsure he wants to continue.
lnmarsh
Love * Luck * Faith
haha, thanks for that. I just noticed that part.
Excellent advice
Last year, when I was in my early 20s, I had some girlfriends who went through similar situations with their long-term boyfriends whom they'd been dating since they were very young. They all seemed to go through a space-needing thing and, while some of them split for good (and moved on happily with their lives) a few actually stayed (or got back) together, got married and had kids. But with the ones who did get back together, giving the dude lots of S-P-A-C-E was a key factor. It's not easy when you love someone and feel them slipping away and want to cling to them, but you have to do it. Listen to the Nanny! She's a smart one!!
migtig
aka Mrs. Giant
My two cents:
As his g/f do you have any connection with any of the Key Wives with the Corps? If he is at 8th and I (you said DC and I'm presuming) there is an excellent Key wife program. I would suggest you "outreach" to them and ask if there is counseling available to you both due to the loss of the baby - Do NOT share anything esle with the key wife you speak to.
I really recommend you both go through counseling, if nothing else. You may discover you don't want to be with him afterwards though.
Secondly, you are young, you've been together through a lot, but he is not the end all of your world. You are. You need to take care of you.
You need to work out this weekend a few things - if you split, would you go back to NC? Do you have family there that could help you get on your feet. Do you have a job now? Do you have your own money? Will he pay to move you back to NC? Seriously, think about these things.
Lastly, men say things that leave you head scratching, because they don't want to hurt you, and to avoid confrontation. Your B/f is doing that. he doesn't want to hurt you, and he avoids personal conflict. Take everything he's said about grwoing old and babies and love and through it out the window.
I bet he does care for you, but he doesn't think you are the "one" and he may just be right.
Nothing you can do can change the outcome of his decision, whatever it may be. So get your ducks in a row and be prepared for the worst outcome when he comes home, but do it with diginity if you can.
I know you are seriously emotionally invested in him, but think things through as much as you can and work out what you would do if this relationship ends, and what you would do differenlty if you had it to do over again.
If the best outcome is he does go to counseling with you and he does make an effort to stay and reconnect, learn a lesson from this. Heck learn a lesson from this anyway. Always, always take care of you first. Have your own friends. Have your own job. Have your own money. Have your own car. Have your own activities outside of the home. And always have your own back-up plan.
Oh and take K-Jo's advice, be looking your darn classiest best when he comes home. But not for him, for you.
As his g/f do you have any connection with any of the Key Wives with the Corps? If he is at 8th and I (you said DC and I'm presuming) there is an excellent Key wife program. I would suggest you "outreach" to them and ask if there is counseling available to you both due to the loss of the baby - Do NOT share anything esle with the key wife you speak to.
I really recommend you both go through counseling, if nothing else. You may discover you don't want to be with him afterwards though.
Secondly, you are young, you've been together through a lot, but he is not the end all of your world. You are. You need to take care of you.
You need to work out this weekend a few things - if you split, would you go back to NC? Do you have family there that could help you get on your feet. Do you have a job now? Do you have your own money? Will he pay to move you back to NC? Seriously, think about these things.
Lastly, men say things that leave you head scratching, because they don't want to hurt you, and to avoid confrontation. Your B/f is doing that. he doesn't want to hurt you, and he avoids personal conflict. Take everything he's said about grwoing old and babies and love and through it out the window.
I bet he does care for you, but he doesn't think you are the "one" and he may just be right.
Nothing you can do can change the outcome of his decision, whatever it may be. So get your ducks in a row and be prepared for the worst outcome when he comes home, but do it with diginity if you can.
I know you are seriously emotionally invested in him, but think things through as much as you can and work out what you would do if this relationship ends, and what you would do differenlty if you had it to do over again.
If the best outcome is he does go to counseling with you and he does make an effort to stay and reconnect, learn a lesson from this. Heck learn a lesson from this anyway. Always, always take care of you first. Have your own friends. Have your own job. Have your own money. Have your own car. Have your own activities outside of the home. And always have your own back-up plan.
Oh and take K-Jo's advice, be looking your darn classiest best when he comes home. But not for him, for you.
lnmarsh
Love * Luck * Faith
Last year, when I was in my early 20s, I had some girlfriends who went through similar situations with their long-term boyfriends whom they'd been dating since they were very young. They all seemed to go through a space-needing thing and, while some of them split for good (and moved on happily with their lives) a few actually stayed (or got back) together, got married and had kids. But with the ones who did get back together, giving the dude lots of S-P-A-C-E was a key factor. It's not easy when you love someone and feel them slipping away and want to cling to them, but you have to do it. Listen to the Nanny! She's a smart one!!
Thanks for the advice, K_Jo. Im really, REALLY bad at the whole space thing. I definitely go overboard with letting-him-know-Im-here-for-him thing. I dont meant to be clingy, but I dont ever want him to think for a second that Im not here for him for anything he needs.
I guess for now Ill take your advice and the advice of some others on here (including Nanny) - Ill let him have this weekend to just do his own thing. Im just worried about what state of mind he'll return in; if he would have missed me, or if he would have decided to let things go. Ultimately I guess I cant influence his decision. I feel like he is dwelling on bad things that have happened in the past and now that things are going really well for us again he is expecting that something bad is right around the corner. And since nothing bad is happening, he is almost trying to create a problem (i.e. us not being compatable). I just hope he dosnt call things off on the notion that something bad may happen
I just wish I knew what state of mind he'll be in when he gets back... Im not a very patient person. Waiting this out is going to kill me
Cowgirl
Well-Known Member
Just think about how your future will be if you're constantly wondering, "Does he love me? Does he want to be with me? Is he pretending?" Life will be miserable if you think you love him more than he loves you, or if you want to be with him more than he wants to be with you. You want someone who can't live without you. If you don't get that feeling from him, it's probably time to move on. Right now it feels like you've been together forever, but it's nothing in the grand scheme of things.
nomoney
....
lnmarsh
Love * Luck * Faith
I think I may have been unclear about the whole Marine Corps, DC thing. When I met him, he was stationed in NC and I lived in MD. I was on vacation in Myrtle Beach with my two best friends during August of 2006. My friend, Sarah, grew up with a guy who was in the Corps and was stationed in NC, so we took the 2 hour drive to the barracks so Sarah could see her friend. Well, Sarah's friend, Karl, was friends with my now boyfriend. Karl introduced me to my now boyfriend and we started talking about random crap. I asked where he was from originally. He said a little middle-of-nowhere town called Dunkirk in MD. I said "Im from Chesapeake Beach." So he started coming home on weekends, etc... we really hit it off and the rest is history.
The whole thing with him going to DC is strickly because a bunch of guys from his unit decided to do a reunion. They were going to go to Vegas but 1.) wives threw a fit and 2.) they all decided they didnt have the money. So they all decided to go to DC instead. Im not sure that they're going to do in DC for 5 days, but knowing those boys they'll find something to get in to
If I thought for a second I could get him to go, I would. But I know he wont go.
Like I mentioned before, I actually always lived in MD so family, etc isnt a problem. I do have my own job and my own money, etc. Right now we're not even living together... we both think its kind of crazy to pay money to rent a place (why pay someone else's mortgage), so we unfortunately both live with our parents. We pay rent to our parents to cover food, etc., but both his family and my family are cool with having us stay home as long as we 1.) continute to pay rent and 2.) contribute to the house. We wanted to wait to live together until we bought a house together because if we're going to be paying anyone's mortgage, it might as well be our own. Right or wrong, thats just the mentality we have I guess
Thank you for your honesty and advice
I definitely have my own friends, job, money, car, hobbies, etc. I just hoped to always have him around, too
If he wanted you, there would be nothing that could keep him away. Men don't do drama like women do - they're pretty simple creatures. "I need space" is standard code for "I'm done with our relationship."
Sorry.
Sorry.
Might I suggest a Brazilian wax? Baja28 has a salon in her basement.
cattitude
My Sweetest Boy
If he wanted you, there would be nothing that could keep him away. Men don't do drama like women do - they're pretty simple creatures. "I need space" is standard code for "I'm done with our relationship."
Sorry.
You're joking, right?
And to the OP, give him space and move on.
But their drama is fairly simple and nothing that needs major deciphering, don't you agree?