How would you like your son to marry this little #####?

[2ndAmendment]

I would call and ask to be allowed to attend. Don't just show up. The "real" wedding may never happen; I know this from experience. If you are not allowed to come, don't give a wedding gift. If they ask why, tell them you are waiting for the real wedding.

I offer advise to my natural daughter. I told her that is my right as her father. I also told her that she is an adult and has the right to do what ever she wants including ignoring my advice. She used to ignore my advise at first. Gradually, she has started listening. Dad, it seems, is smarter the older she gets.

Be as involved as they are comfortable with. Just don't meddle. They will want much less involvement at first since they are just establishing their own identity as a couple. As their relationship matures, they will probably welcome more involvement as long as it is offered and not imposed. A good rule of thumb is don't offer advise until it is asked for.

JMHO

 

[Fruitcake Lady]

I disagree. This is the real wedding. This is when they tie the knot. I'd be hurt if my daughter did this to me.

yay for you and your stupid opinion.

 

[JabbaJawz]

I disagree. This is the real wedding. This is when they tie the knot. I'd be hurt if my daughter did this to me.

 

[Oz]

I offer advise to my natural daughter. I told her that is my right as her father. I also told her that she is an adult and has the right to do what ever she wants including ignoring my advice. She used to ignore my advise at first.
...
A good rule of thumb is don't offer advise until it is asked for.

I would advise you to give her good advice!

 

[2ndAmendment]

That's just asking for trouble.

Vrai, don't take this personally, but I find it hard to be sympathetic with your situation. Not the JOP wedding, because I think they should have invited you and Larry. But just the assumption that your future DIL is to "blame." Ultimately, it's their wedding and they can do what they want.

You've seen some of the posts about my family. Here's the specific incident that led to me cutting off my family:

When my wife was due with our oldest daughter, the OB wanted to induce. So I told my family to stand by that day and wait for my phone call after we knew how the labor was progressing. I did this specifically because we knew we would be uncomfortable with a big welcoming party when we arrived at the hospital. My father's response was, "That's not good enough for the women." My mother goes behind our back to call my mother-in-law (the other labor coach) to find out what time we would be arriving at the hospital, so I call my mother to tell her I didn't appreciate her behavior.

Then on the day of the delivery, I call my father as planned, and he tells me I have no right to get angry at my mother. Offensive enough as that was, I was in disbelief that he would say something like that to me during the birth of my child. So after my parents visit in the delivery room for a few minutes, the nurse shoos them away and my mother then tries to peek over the doorway curtain. Later, when I demand an apology for that, both parents insist that she did nothing wrong and she did what she did out of love. They had no clue how betrayed and violated we both felt when she did that.

Sorry for rambling so long, but my point is that a married man must stick up for his wife, even if it's at the expense of his mother.

I agree that a husband must defend his wife, but the wife should also respect her husband; it is not just one way. Sounds like you have real issues and from the situation you describe, I don't think the problem is your parents. I think you have an identity problem regarding your own independence.

 

[Kizzy]

Tonio,

I feel you should re-think your disconnection with your mother, although I do have to give you credit for sticking up for your wife, I just don’t think that the particular situation warranted disassociation. I think they were just excited about a new grandchild.

I could write a novel on the horrid things my MIL has done, but instead of putting everyone thru the long list of melodrama, I’ll just mention what happened 5 minutes ago. My oldest son is having a tough time in school this year. He is in a new school and he has had a difficult time focusing, and often, he has had to re-do assignments over and over again until he gets it right. My MIL had the nerve to say that the problem could be that I don’t give him enough attention. WTF She has some nerve, but I didn’t get angry, I just cannot get upset about things like this anymore. All that matters is that I am confident in the way I have handled the situation, but I did call and tell my DH about the conversation. He said a few . There was a time, early on in the marriage, where I was very close to walking out. You cannot live 1.2 miles from the in-laws, be treated like crap by your MIL and his brother and anyone expect that anyone wouldn’t grow tired of it. I hate the fact the relationship between me and his mother is strained, because I don’t have a mother, she died a long time ago. But over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not needy enough for her, nor will I ever be. My mother drank and abused prescription drugs, was very selfish and all about herself, for as long as I can remember, and the only nice thing she ever said to me was on her death bed, so I would never expect my DH to cut ties with his mother over her nonsense. He is lucky to have a mother, even if she middles too much, because at the very least, it shows she cares.

Vrai,

I agree you should express your feelings on the issue. I think it is very sweet that the both of you really want to be there for the special day. They don't know how lucky they are to have you two care so much, but if they just "do it anyway" all you can do is be supportive there too.

P.S. After living with my mother's mother for 8 years, I have a clearer picture of where my mother's problems began.

 

[Tonio]

Heaven forbid your parents should want to be their for the birth of their grandchild. Sounds like a good reason to cut them out of your lives.

You missed the point. We wanted them at the hospital, just not when we got there first thing in the morning, because we were nervous enough as new parents. And we didn't want them in the delivery room during the final stages of delivery. There was no excuse for my mother peeking into the delivery room.

 

[Tonio]

Tonio,

I feel you should re-think your disconnection with your mother, although I do have to give you credit for sticking up for your wife, I just don’t think that the particular situation warranted disassociation. I think they were just excited about a new grandchild.

Here's some context--my family had a history of being nasty and insulting toward my wife in passive-aggressive ways. And whenever I confronted them about it, they played innocent and acted hurt that I would think them capable of hurting her. And all during the pregnancy, my parents would go behind my back and try to make decisions for the baby without even talking to us.

 

[Kizzy]

You missed the point. We wanted them at the hospital, just not when we got there first thing in the morning, because we were nervous enough as new parents. And we didn't want them in the delivery room during the final stages of delivery. There was no excuse for my mother peeking into the delivery room.

As strained as my relationship was with his mother, I still invited her into the delivery room. She was there when he came into the world.

 

[JabbaJawz]

As strained as my relationship was with his mother, I still invited her into the delivery room. She was there when he came into the world.

See, I can't hang with this. Even though I love my MIL dearly, there ain't no way she was viewing all that.

 

[Tonio]

I think you have an identity problem regarding your own independence.

How so? My experience of the situation was that my wife and I had set boundaries as to what was acceptable behavior, and my parents didn't respect those boundaries. Wouldn't you be angry with your mother-in-law if she tried to see you half-naked?

 

[Tonio]

As strained as my relationship was with his mother, I still invited her into the delivery room. She was there when he came into the world.

That was your decision. Our decision was to have only me and my mother-in-law in the delivery room, and have everyone else wait in the waiting room. We were (and are) the ones to make the decisions regarding ourselves and our children. If my parents weren't happy about a specific decision, they should have discussed it openly, instead of trying to circumvent our decision.

 

[Tonio]

If my parents weren't happy about a specific decision, they should have discussed it openly, instead of trying to circumvent our decision.

And that's the point I was trying to make to Vrai and Sharon.

 

[2ndAmendment]

How so? My experience of the situation was that my wife and I had set boundaries as to what was acceptable behavior, and my parents didn't respect those boundaries. Wouldn't you be angry with your mother-in-law if she tried to see you half-naked?

I would express that it was inappropriate behavior on their part, but I would not cut contact. Cutting contact is what brings out the identity issue.

 

[Kizzy]

See, I can't hang with this. Even though I love my MIL dearly, there ain't no way she was viewing all that.

When she asked, my friends were like no effing way in hell they would do that. But she is a women, she has had 3 kids, and it was something that was important to her, and of course, my mother wasn't able to be there.

Anyway, she would have done the same thing as Tonio's mom, just barged into the delivery room.

Anyway Tonio, you have to remember that our children only get one shot knowing grandma and grandpa. They will not understand your reasons, they will resent you and your wife for steeling the opportunity to know them. That is JMO.

 

[CableChick]

That's just asking for trouble.

Vrai, don't take this personally, but I find it hard to be sympathetic with your situation. Not the JOP wedding, because I think they should have invited you and Larry. But just the assumption that your future DIL is to "blame." Ultimately, it's their wedding and they can do what they want.

You've seen some of the posts about my family. Here's the specific incident that led to me cutting off my family:

When my wife was due with our oldest daughter, the OB wanted to induce. So I told my family to stand by that day and wait for my phone call after we knew how the labor was progressing. I did this specifically because we knew we would be uncomfortable with a big welcoming party when we arrived at the hospital. My father's response was, "That's not good enough for the women." My mother goes behind our back to call my mother-in-law (the other labor coach) to find out what time we would be arriving at the hospital, so I call my mother to tell her I didn't appreciate her behavior.

Then on the day of the delivery, I call my father as planned, and he tells me I have no right to get angry at my mother. Offensive enough as that was, I was in disbelief that he would say something like that to me during the birth of my child. So after my parents visit in the delivery room for a few minutes, the nurse shoos them away and my mother then tries to peek over the doorway curtain. Later, when I demand an apology for that, both parents insist that she did nothing wrong and she did what she did out of love. They had no clue how betrayed and violated we both felt when she did that.

Sorry for rambling so long, but my point is that a married man must stick up for his wife, even if it's at the expense of his mother.

Guess what they say is true ....

A son is son until he takes a wife
But a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.


I couldn't think of something more heart wrenching. You should be ashamed!

 

[Tonio]

Cutting contact is what brings out the identity issue.

I did that because my parents insisted that my mother had done nothing wrong. In my judgment, they were refusing to respect the boundaries I had set regarding my wife and child. I didn't feel I could trust them ever again. A mother who would try to look at her DIL half-naked would be capable of kidnapping a grandchild from his or her school.

 

[Tonio]

I couldn't think of something more heart wrenching. You should be ashamed!

Don't lecture me about my family responsibilities! Who the hell do you think you are?!

 

[sleuth]

Guess what they say is true ....

A son is son until he takes a wife

That's oversimplifying it, but the meaning behind it is Biblical in nature. 2A would probably know the verse, but there's one somewhere about how a husband or wife's loyalties are expected to shift from their parents to their spouse upon marriage.

 

[Sharon]

A mother who would try to look at her DIL half-naked would be capable of kidnapping a grandchild from his or her school.

Get real.

You said so yourself, she was the other labor coach.

My mother goes behind our back to call my mother-in-law (the other labor coach)