Something bugging me!!

[Kain99]

Kimmy, wether you stay in or get out of this relationship you need to realize one thing.

Your crippleing your son with all of these excuses!

People without legs can run! Stop babying him to death. One day he will be all grown up and Mommy won't be there to kiss the boo-boo's.

 

[blueeyes76]

You're starting to confuse me Kimmy

Maybe you should consider talking your husband into going to counseling (both of you I mean)!

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
Maybe you should consider talking your husband into going to counseling (both of you I mean)!

Blueeyes, you're my favorite forum member today!

 

[justhangn]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
Maybe you should consider talking your husband into going to counseling (both of you I mean)!

UH HUH!! Have him read a few books on self control and anger management!!

 

[Kimmy]

I don't see where I am babying him. Or making excuses. All that I want is for my husband to change his correcting habits instead of letting his anger get in the way. You guys have given me some really good advice and I thank you. Just for him to be the adult instead of acting like the seven year old. Say what you have to say and leave it at that. Don't keep harping and harping about it.

 

[Christy]

I think y'all are being a little hard on Kimmy. I feel her pain. I've been there. Steve will also tell you that I'm like a mother lion when it comes to my kids. Brandon went through the same exact behavior as Kimmy's boy. Steve did the same exact punishment type stuff that Kimmy's husband it doing. The problem with my kid went beyond setting down some rules. I knew there was something bigger wrong than just being "lazy" or "learning disabled". I also knew that being a Nazi to him did the exact opposite of it's intent. He just got way worse with the attitude and simply didn't care about anything anymore.

The public school system did a lot of damage to my kid, and we probably did too, by buying into their propaganda.

 

[Kain99]

Originally posted by Kimmy
Don't keep harping and harping about it.

What??? You kept posting and posting! We're all just trying to help.

Counseling is your best bet. But don't expect the shrink to tell you everything you want to hear. It just doesn't work that way.

 

[yakky doodle]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
Maybe you should consider talking your husband into going to counseling (both of you I mean)!

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Blueeyes, you're my favorite forum member today!

hey, didn't I say that same thing on page one or two.

so much for thinking I'd be special today.

 

[yakky doodle]

Originally posted by Kain99
What??? You kept posting and posting! We're all just trying to help.

Counseling is your best bet. But don't expect the shrink to tell you everything you want to hear. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm with you Kain; I'm thinking that we could offer miracle advice, but there'd be some excuse for why it won't work.

good luck kimmy!

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I don't see where I am babying him. Or making excuses. All that I want is for my husband to change his correcting habits instead of letting his anger get in the way. You guys have given me some really good advice and I thank you. Just for him to be the adult instead of acting like the seven year old. Say what you have to say and leave it at that. Don't keep harping and harping about it.

Perhaps I'm the lone wolf out but that's not what I've been saying.

Sure each of you need to behave as adults. And there certainly may be issues from the past affecting the present.

But... your son is your son... he is not your husband's son. There is a tie, an understanding, a knowing that exists between you and your son that simply is not there between your son and your husband. There is no right or wrong to it... it just simply is. Sure such a tie might eventually happen between your son and your husband but it will take time.

And in the meantime... your son simply does not have the same respect for your husband when your husband tells him to do something that your son will have for you if you were the one telling him to do it. And your son is not going to respect your husband just because you tell him to. Every time your son is disrepectful to your husband (backtalking etc), you need to deal with it and you need to deal with it as a separate issue from what the disrespect was about.

One of the reasons I separated from my husband was because I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. I started out by asking my husband's kid to do something. After a while of getting excuses and having to ask over and over and over again I switched to "telling" the kid what to do. And yet there were still no consequences I could impose that my husband didn't think I was being mean and unloving.

Did your husband go overboard on the "noodle" thing... yep, I'd say so... but are you so very sure that it didn't come from a lot of frustration and feeling powerless because you are not insisting that your son respect your husband? (And just telling the kid is not insisting.)

Take care,
Melody

 

[Kimmy]

Originally posted by Kain99
What??? You kept posting and posting! We're all just trying to help


The harping thing was not directed towards any of you. Toward's my husband to stop harping.

 

[justhangn]

Would it help your husband if YOU were to step into the situation BEFORE he gets overly angry??

 

[Kimmy]

I have talked to my son over and over again telling him that when he is asked to do something that he is to do it without any lip. I have told him that he needs to respect him and if he doesn't then he is not going to get respect back. He is here providing you with these gifts that you receive, clothes on your back, food in you stomach, health insurance etc etc... You don't see your real father doing this for you. If you don't appreciated these things then maybe you need to go and stay with your real father and see what kind-of attention you get from him. That is pretty much what I tell him.

 

[vraiblonde]

The harping thing was not directed towards any of you. Toward's my husband to stop harping.

Okay, but don't you think if he got the results he wanted, he'd stop harping?

Your husband is not going to change his correcting habits to suit you, any more than you're going to change yours to suit him. Like I said, so far you haven't told us anything that I consider out of line. Maybe the dinner table incident but who hasn't lost their temper with their kid at times and been a little rougher than what they intended? Or maybe I'm just the ogre - who knows?

He's 7, not 3. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to put his coat away and sit up to the table when he eats.

 

[vraiblonde]

That is pretty much what I tell him.

I wouldn't even bring the kid's "real" father into this. It has nothing to do with him. Besides, it seems to me that his "real" father is the one who's insisting he be responsible - not the POS that ditched him and left it for you to do by yourself.

 

[Kain99]

Originally posted by Kimmy
You don't see your real father doing this for you.

Crap Kim! Maybe your the one killing your son!

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I have talked to my son over and over again telling him that when he is asked to do something that he is to do it without any lip. I have told him that he needs to respect him and if he doesn't then he is not going to get respect back. He is here providing you with these gifts that you receive, clothes on your back, food in you stomach, health insurance etc etc... You don't see your real father doing this for you. If you don't appreciated these things then maybe you need to go and stay with your real father and see what kind-of attention you get from him. That is pretty much what I tell him.

Now that you've established that talking to your son hasn't worked, what's the next step with your son?

(btw, just gotta tell you, even though maybe I shouldn't, but it is so not right to compare biodad with stepdad and to tell the kid "that maybe you need to go and stay with your real father". That is just so not right in so many ways.)

Take care,
Melody

 

[blueeyes76]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Blueeyes, you're my favorite forum member today!

Thanks!

 

[Kimmy]

I know that I should have not involved his realfather into the situation. But I was trying to get my point across. Would you rather stay with someone who care or someone who doesn't.

 

[Kain99]

Originally posted by Kimmy
Would you rather stay with someone who care or someone who doesn't.

Wow! UFB................

Why don't you just take a bat smash it over your son's head screaming "Your Real Father doesn't love you! "